In our current times it might be obvious to say that having more self enhancement is not what our world needs. Instead, it may be that what we need is  a way to be with ourselves that isn’t enhancing who we are or diminishing ourselves.

 

The quiet ego is a concept that allows for the middle ground between shaming ourselves and being too self-absorbed.

 

This is not a silent ego but one that allows us to be attuned to our needs and the needs of those around us.

 

…the quiet ego constructs a self-identity that is neither excessively self-focused nor excessively other-focused. (Bauer, et. al., 2014)

 

What is a quiet ego?

We often think of ego as originating from the word egotistical or someone who is absorbed in themselves. Our egos are not good or bad but a necessary part of how we make sense of ourselves and the world around us. We don’t want to get rid of our ego. We need to have a sense of self.

The challenge in today’s world is that our society often is pushing people to continually focus on their needs, wants and desires. This creates an ego that becomes really loud wanting more and more without concern for our planet and those around us.

It is also true that some people grow up in very undernourished environments and come out of these childhoods feeling a deep sense of unworthiness. In some cases they don’t have a sense of self at all. These people look towards others for what they should want, need and desire.

 

Neither of these ways of relating to the world is healthy. A healthy ego is what Scott Barry Kaufman calls the quiet ego. This is an ego that has four main components.

 

1). Mindful Awareness: people with a quieter ego are living in the moment and aware of their judgments and personal viewpoints without the need to put them on other people. It is not a naive awareness, as people with this way of being in the world are aware of the downsides of things.

2). Inclusive Identity: the quiet ego is wanting to collaborate with others. There is an openness to working together and being equally focused on the relational experience as the outcome of the task.

3). Perspective Taking: those with a quiet ego find it easy to walk in other people’s shoes and provide empathy. It is not necessary to only assert one’s needs but to be aware of the process that all needs have importance.

4). Personal Growth: having a quiet ego comes with wanting to develop oneself for the good of the whole. A person with this more relaxed sense of self has a strong pro-social attitude and a desire to both improve oneself while also improving things around them.

 

The idea of healthy self-esteem is another way of describing the quiet ego. Unhealthy self-esteem would be a need to inflate oneself above others. When we cultivate a quiet ego we limit the need to be self-righteous. When we have a healthy sense of our strengths and weaknesses we feel less activated by other’s judgments and criticism. When our ego quiets down we can feel a different level of connection and peacefulness with those around us.

 

It is important to note that a quiet ego is not necessarily being quiet. This is not about quieting one’s personality. If you are expressive and full of energy this doesn’t mean you need to change those qualities. It means you can still be expressive while also being attuned to those around you and not asserting your opinions and points of view over others. Instead, you can take in others ideas and mindfully listen to what others are thinking. It also means allowing everyone to have a seat at the table, not just people that are agreeable to one’s point of view.

 

Having a substantial quieting of the ego is strongly related to having a strong, not weak, sense of self and with increased, not weakened, authenticity. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

 

Quieting Your Ego

Here are some ideas of how to create a softer presence in the world by cultivating a quiet ego:

1. Developing more self-compassion for yourself. Often when we struggle with others it is our own negative self concept that gets in the way. We have to assert our position strongly because our sense of self is on the line. When we have more self-compassion we are not triggered by another’s opinion because we know we are okay even when someone disagrees with you. You can practice self-compassion meditation here.
2. Gratitude practice can be a way of seeing the best in others by thinking of ways you feel gratitude in your life.
3. Assume positive intent. This is a life practice and it is one that can really be helpful in interpersonal relationships. It means that when we are communicating with someone we assume that they regard us in the best light. Often when someone disagrees with us we can feel defensive and irritated. When we assume that this person has a positive intention for us we can slow down and listen better.
4. Mindfully consider your interactions with others. Take an objective look at how you show up with the people you love and work with to understand better if you are coming with an ease or more anxious experience. Why are you anxious? What is it that gets in the way of feeling comfortable and safe with people? It is often this internal response that is out of our awareness that drives our defensiveness and self-righteous behavior.
5. Spend time in nature or experiencing awe. There is a lot of new science out there that encourages us to feel our connection with the cosmos. This means how you relate to things bigger than yourself. When we see the world as bigger than ourselves we can feel how limited we are and find a greater sense of humility. A quiet ego is a humble ego.

People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than working to help only yourself. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

 

How this shows up in my life.

In my own life I think when I’m at my best my ego is much quieter. I can listen and not react to people’s points of view or even their critiques of my way of thinking. Instead I’m listening and assuming their ideas have nothing to do with me personally. In these moments I feel grounded in my body and open in my mind and heart.

This is when I’m at my best. Often my ego is very loud and I get defensive and annoyed by what others are saying. I find myself trying to protect my ego from anything that puts me in a bad light.

I believe that the quiet ego is something of an aspiration I have for myself where I can listen to people and not get reactive or self-righteous. I don’t think I’ll ever get “good” at it but maybe better and that is what will help me in my life and in my relationships.

 

If you or someone you know wants to work on quieting your ego please contact me!

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Barry Kaufman, Scott. (2020). Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. New York, NY. TarcherPerigree.

Bauer, Jack, et al. (2014). The Quiet Ego Scale: Measuring The Compassionate Self-Identity. Journal of Happiness Studies, 15(3) 2-38. DOI 10.1007/s10902-014-9546-z

BRASSBALLS TENDER HEART | Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC

Relationship Coaching and Counseling For Men in Denver, Colorado