Finding Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy can be a wonderful space for couples to find deeper connection in their relationship. However, far too many couples get lost in the details of making something happen. They get caught up in accomplishing something (orgasm) and lose contact with the playfulness and emotions that can be the foundation for a wonderful sexual connection. How can we create more connection before being sexual so that sex is not used for connection? How can couples communicate more clearly their needs so that these can be met by their partner?

Talk More About What You Want.

For many couples the lack of communication around their sex life is one of the biggest barriers to better intimacy during sex. Sexual performance is focused on physical needs rather than the emotional connection. Men tend to try and insure their partner has an orgasm to prove they are good in the sack. But is this really what their partner wants?

In order to find out it is important that these things are talked about before, during and after sex. This allows misunderstandings to be worked through.

For many women the desire comes not through their genital arousal but by the emotional connection they feel with their partner. When this is in place a greater ease and relaxing of goal can take place. This can be better accomplished by talking about how things feel and what our partner enjoys.

In his book, Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark: Breaking Free from the Hidden Forces That Drive You, Robert Augustus Masters expresses the need to change how we relate to sexual intimacy.

“Many of us employ sex to generate a sense of connection, but this eventually backfires as we get more and more reliant on sex for this. The key here is to connect first, then be sexual, so that sex is an expression of already-present connection.” (Masters, 2018)

Let Go Of Outcome

For many men their idea of sex is around the satisfaction of their partner. Men often experience sex as a desperate holding off of climax so that their partner can climax first. This creates a lot of tension in the man’s body as he attempts to stop his pleasure.

What if sex was not focused around outcome but around sensuality? Sensuality is defined as, “the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.” This is about pursuing pleasure for ourselves and for our partners but not necessarily orgasmic pleasure. This can mean rubbing our hands on their bodies, telling our partners how much we love them…and a thousand other ways of expressing and feeling satisfied.

Sensuality allows for more freedom to touch and be touched without getting anywhere. If or when intercourse happens it is the outcome of many deep sensual moments. If we let go of intercourse as the goal and especially orgasm as the outcome of intercourse we open ourselves up to more sexual play.

Play, by definition means doing things without any kind of purpose or outcome. It is done for the fun of it. Often times foreplay is just that. The play before the thing that is really supposed to happen. If a couple is not attempting to procreate there is no need for intercourse to be the goal of their sexual intimacy. Instead they can allow their desires to take root and just enjoy each other’s bodies.

Instead of going for orgasms, make heartfelt, emotionally vulnerable connection your priority; drop into being orgasmic, making moment-to-moment room for love-suffused sensuality and sexuality that’s not goal oriented. (Masters, 2018).

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my own life I have found that it is difficult to not allow my sexual charge to push me towards intercourse. I can feel that drive when I’m being intimate with my wife. However, when I notice this impulse I try and drop into my heart and feel what is happening for me emotionally. This can help me to stay with the fun of the moment and not be so driven by my genitals. I find the emotional connection to be a more satisfying focus.

As I connect with my own heart I feel a deeper connection with my wife and we can sway with the delight of our bodies contacting one another. In this space we can breathe, gasp, and feel the other’s pleasure while being present with how they are feeling inside.

I have also let myself off the hook from performing in our sexual intimacy. And, I know I don’t have to make her experience happen. I know now that our connection is the point and whatever happens through that is what happens. We are free to explorer and play.