“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.”

Bruce Lee

It sucks when we are called to acknowledge a failure. And, it’s embarrassing and painful to see how we screwed up. It is in these moments when we truly own our power as men. We can shrink away in defensiveness or blame…or we can step up into integrity and authenticity and own it. This is the place men must get better at if they struggle to take responsibility. The outcomes are so important.

“Our wives don’t lose faith in us because we do something stupid or selfish. We all do! We all blow it! We’re all a work in progress! No, our wives lose faith in us because we do something stupid or selfish and never acknowledge it. Never own it.”

Jeff Borkoski

It happens all the time. We have an intention to do something and we forget. Our partner or our kids tell us they were hurt or feel angry about our mistake. Facing the shame of this moment is so challenging.

Sometimes, instead of stepping into our power we step away from it, making excuses and putting the blame back on the people we hurt.

As men we lose credibility at this moment. We lose that deep respect that we may have tried to cultivate for years. The people who love us are now lost. How can they trust us and believe in us if we can’t admit to our mistakes?

I want to say that when my wife calls me out, even in the most graceful, caring way, I still feel the deep impulse to run…to find a way out of that internal shame. It feels so bad to see her confused and hurt expression. I don’t want to feel this. Defense seems like the only way out.

I want to acknowledge how painful this is when the masculine protector is being outed as someone who is not holding up their end of the bargain. Maybe you overstepped and unleashed an angry aggressive burst on your partner or kids. Or, maybe you got caught looking at porn by someone who made you feel ashamed of doing this. Maybe you blew money gambling and you have put your family at risk. There are so many ways we can fail.

But failure is inevitable. We cannot get through life with these moments of not handling our lives right. We have to learn how to deal with these moments better.

What Feels At Risk With Owning Your Mistakes?

When I think about these moments I feel like my good standing is on the line. I feel like I’m going to lose something so precious.

Over a year ago I was at a cub scouts meeting with my twin boys. As we were leaving my son had found a stick (a big one) that he wanted to take home. He was standing outside and said he wanted to bring this home with us. I was in one of those “I’m tired I don’t want to deal with this just get in the car” kind of moods. I told my son that I didn’t want any more of his sticks in our house. To my credit the kid has a pile of sticks outside that could run a fireplace for an entire day.

I can still recall the hurt and confused look on his face that he couldn’t bring the stick. “Why Daddy?” I didn’t have a good reason. My other son was pleading with me as well, “just let him have the stick.” I didn’t let him have it. On our drive home he was crying and upset that I had put my foot down on this.

I didn’t soften or admit that maybe, possibly I had made a mistake and I should have allowed him to have the stick. I doubled down and said in a grumpy voice that he had so many sticks taking up space in our lives and he didn’t need another one.

Now I don’t think that point of view is wrong in terms of space and number of sticks. What is wrong is that I’m holding this point over what is more important: my son’s broken heart. The rest of the evening I didn’t waver, I kept reiterating that he had enough sticks.

This wasn’t about sticks. I wanted it to be about sticks. I wanted to explain that the pile of sticks outside wasn’t acceptable. My son was looking at with his facial expression and saying, “but Daddy, can you see me? Can you see that the stick is about my adventurous spirit and I need you to respect that?”

My answer was, “take your adventurous spirit and shove it.” What was I protecting my son from? Too many sticks in our house? No, I was protecting myself from the pain he was feeling and my own shame. I had to keep holding on to my wimpy point of view.

I was afraid that if I admitted my mistake I would be seen as a failure and then everyone would know that I’m a shitty dad.

Owning It Brings Us Back To Hero Status

No matter how many times I shutdown or get defensive (which is a lot) my family is waiting to welcome me back with open arms.

How do I get back?

I Own It.

My sons and my wife want me to be the hero they love. They are okay with mistakes…being a hero is not about perfection. It’s about the ability to flow with our ups and downs.

The next day after crushing my son’s heart I woke up and realized what a shit I had been. I realized that this was not the man I wanted to be.

So I fixed it.

I drove to the school where we have our cub scout gatherings and I found the stick. Next, I brought it home and as my son was coming upstairs I pulled him close and I apologized. I said, “I messed up yesterday and I’m really sorry.”

His brother was upstairs and saw the stick. He knew right away what happened. “It’s your stick from last night.” My son realized what I did. He looked at me with tender eyes and he buried his head in my chest. “Thanks Daddy.” That was an unforgettable moment.

Hero Status Recovered.

I can imagine situations where this is trickier, especially with my wife. I used this example because I really believe that our ability to take responsibility for our failures is one of the most important things we can do as men. As men, we have more physical power in the family. When we are out of integrity it creates a lack of safety. Everyone is on guard.

And then we admit it. We say, “sorry everyone, that was my bad.” The safety is restored and everyone can go back to playing and enjoying life.

This is the power men have in their relational lives. I don’t think my kids or my wife feel afraid for their personal safety in these moments. I just know how it feels when I’m defending myself, trying to convince everyone that what I did was not a failure and how it feels when I own it. It’s like the moment when the record scratches and stops. Everyone looks up to me and implores me to accept my masculine power. When I do, everyone relaxes and the music keeps playing. If I don’t there is a feeling that everyone needs to head for the exits.

As I say in these posts often, I’m not special. I don’t have some “own it” superpower. Every man out there can do this. It takes a relaxing of our egos, an acknowledgement of the shame we feel and a desire to get back into connection with the people we love.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Borkoski, Jeff (2022). Better Man, Better Marriage: Awaken Your Inner Hero and Move from Passive to Powerful in Your Most Important Relationship. Self-published.

The post Own It! A Man’s Guide to Owning Your Mistakes appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Being a parent is no easy job. Outside of dealing with your own day to day, work, and responsibilities, you are coupled with the tough task of parenting and managing your children. The reality of the situation is that parenthood is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding tasks one can take on. That of course means it comes with many ups and downs along the way.

As a parent perhaps one of the worst feelings you can experience is feeling like you are a failure to your child.

Failure is a crippling feeling, and in the eyes of a parent it often can cause feelings of hopelessness. When these feelings start to become overwhelming there are a few things we want to remind you of. First off, you’re not alone. You’ve been tasked with one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever experience and you are doing your best. Second, there are ways to turn around the feelings of hopelessness and failure and we want to show you how!

The parenting journey comes with many trials and tribulations along the way.

We want to share some tips and advice on how to keep moving forward on the days where being a parent seems a bit harder. 

• Live

While it is your job to take care of your child, it is equally as important to take care of yourself. You have been tasked with one of the most rewarding positions you can achieve, parenthood. However, that doesn’t mean you need to lose yourself in the process. On days when parenting feels hard, remember that you still need to show up. For yourself, and for your child. You are enough and on the days when it feels hopeless, remember your reason for showing up.

• Put In The Work 

No problem gets solved by sitting around. Parenthood means no days off. When you feel like you are failing as a parent, suit up and deal with the problem straight on. Assess areas where you feel like you are lacking and come up with a solution on how to address these concerns. Likewise, give yourself credit in the areas you excel at. It is easy for the bad to overshadow the good, but take a good long look in the mirror and recognize how much you exceed at. Focus on communication, learn your lessons, and grow from your failures!

• Apologize

Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. Not only to your child, spouse, etc but to yourself. Recognize your mistakes or shortcomings and don’t just learn from them, but forgive yourself from them. Life is no perfect reality and parents make mistakes too. Forgive yourself for days and times when you weren’t 100% perfect (because no one is) and learn how to grow from those mistakes. This will not only allow you to move forward but will teach your child appropriate ways to navigate problems and work through difficult situations. 

• Reach out

If you think you’re the only parent feeling like you are not living up to the proper expectations of motherhood/fatherhood, we are here to tell you you aren’t. Truthfully, there are many parents who feel like they are failing their children and it’s never an easy conversation to have. In order to learn how to overcome these feelings you have to let it out. Talk about it, cope with it, learn from it. Listen to other parents that are struggling alongside you and learn from their own struggles and difficulties. Help someone else along the way!

• Breathe

You’re doing it. Every.single.day. Most of the time, we misplace our shame and guilt. Use your experience and learn how to turn it into a positive lesson. Learn how to take those feelings and communicate them. Teach your child how to cope and grow through difficulties they are experiencing. Everyone can become better, and everyone can learn from failure. Perhaps the most important thing is giving yourself credit, taking a deep breath, and moving forward.

Parenthood is like putting one foot in front of another. The most important job does not come easily. When you are feeling like a failure as a parent and surrounded by feelings of sadness and hopelessness, take a step back, come up with a plan, and keep trekking forward. You’re doing your best, and it’s more than enough.

Wishing you the day you need to have.

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The post Feeling‌ ‌Like‌ ‌A‌ ‌Failure‌ ‌As‌ ‌A‌ ‌Parent‌ ‌ ‌ appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

In my Denver men’s therapy practice, fathers seeking counseling often experience a range of emotions.

Many times, they fall into these categories:

• Strained father-son relationship
• Difficult father-daughter relationship
• Spousal or partner communication issues
• Parental alienation
• Struggles with fatherhood 
• Troubles with parenthood transition
• Anxiety

The good news is, all of these are “fixable” and it starts with taking the first step, searching for online counseling for dads, therapy for fathers, support for parents, etc.

So, here you are. I’m so glad you’re here.

Denver Men’s Therapy for Fathers at BrassBalls TenderHeart

Dad, let’s figure this out. Sitting down with a therapist means you’re serious about a relationship with your kid or kids. And, you want a good relationship. One that makes each of you feel good. One with secret jokes and handshakes. Conflicted parenting, anger issues, addiction, and instability can bring out the worst in us. Therapy is a place to organize your life and find a way to deal with your demons while highlighting the best parts of yourself. 

Man to man, we can get you to a good place. A place where you’re able to collect yourself when you want to say x, y, or z. And where you can build the tools to consistently bring your best self to the table when you’re parenting. 

Father-Son Relationship Help 

As a father of twin boys, I am uniquely skilled in facilitating the type of relationship that you desire with your son. As fathers, to boys, we want to instill a tough backbone with a tender heart. Many dads don’t know good ways to do this and instead resort to yelling, scolding, or alienating their sons (whether purposely or not). Dads often disregard their son’s emotions as well, wanting them to “toughen up.” 

What if I told you there was a way to find a balance? As a father, you can nurture your son’s emotions, while positively directing them to be strong, bold and independent. (You might even learn how to do this yourself!). Game changer. Let’s do this.

Father-Daughter Connection Support

Oh man, the age old father daughter relationship issues. It’s often hard enough for heterosexual couples to understand each other with the gender divide, but for father and daughter, it can be even more sensitive. Dads don’t want to “say the wrong thing” and they often have to get a bit of an anatomy lesson when they become fathers to daughters. Simply put… they are not as familiar with what it’s like to grow up as a little girl than as a little boy! Lots of education is required here….

So, when daughters grow up a bit and dad feels alienated, how can we fix this? One answer. Therapy for dads. When it comes to daughters, fathers need to learn how to listen very well. They tend to tap into their masculine protective mode with daughters, but this overbearing-ness can push a daughter into being secretive and not wanting to tell her overprotective dad what’s going on. Counseling for dads can help open up insight into how to protect, yet be gentle and open. 

Modern Family Therapy in Denver for Father-Child Relationships

Dad, let’s sort this out. I know you can be the dad you want to be. Men’s therapy designed for the modern dad is what you’ll experience at Brass Balls Tender Heart in Denver, CO. We offer telehealth and online counseling for dads, and depending on current events (and when you’re reading this), we also offer a men’s group and in-person therapy services (just send me a note to find out your current options). 

I’d love to see you feeling good, communicating well, and sleeping better because you are working on your relationships with your partner or kids. 

Wishing you the day you need to have.

Ready? Book Today.

About Brass Balls Tender Heart | Men’s Therapy Denver, CO

Founded and owned by men’s and parenting therapist Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, Brass Balls Tender Heart is a Denver men’s therapy practice centering on living boldly and authentically. We offer EMDR, Denver parenting support, online counseling for Dads, counseling for anxious Dads, modern family therapy, couples counseling, individual counseling for men, and more. Click to book an appointment. 

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