“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.”

Bruce Lee

 

It sucks when we are called to acknowledge a failure. And, it’s embarrassing and painful to see how we screwed up. It is in these moments when we truly own our power as men. We can shrink away in defensiveness or blame…or we can step up into integrity and authenticity and own it. This is the place men must get better at if they struggle to take responsibility. The outcomes are so important.

 

“Our wives don’t lose faith in us because we do something stupid or selfish. We all do! We all blow it! We’re all a work in progress! No, our wives lose faith in us because we do something stupid or selfish and never acknowledge it. Never own it.”

Jeff Borkoski

 

 

It happens all the time. We have an intention to do something and we forget. Our partner or our kids tell us they were hurt or feel angry about our mistake. Facing the shame of this moment is so challenging.

 

Sometimes, instead of stepping into our power we step away from it, making excuses and putting the blame back on the people we hurt.

 

As men we lose credibility at this moment. We lose that deep respect that we may have tried to cultivate for years. The people who love us are now lost. How can they trust us and believe in us if we can’t admit to our mistakes?

 

I want to say that when my wife calls me out, even in the most graceful, caring way, I still feel the deep impulse to run…to find a way out of that internal shame. It feels so bad to see her confused and hurt expression. I don’t want to feel this. Defense seems like the only way out.

 

I want to acknowledge how painful this is when the masculine protector is being outed as someone who is not holding up their end of the bargain. Maybe you overstepped and unleashed an angry aggressive burst on your partner or kids. Or, maybe you got caught looking at porn by someone who made you feel ashamed of doing this. Maybe you blew money gambling and you have put your family at risk. There are so many ways we can fail.

 

But failure is inevitable. We cannot get through life with these moments of not handling our lives right. We have to learn how to deal with these moments better.

 

What Feels At Risk With Owning Your Mistakes?

When I think about these moments I feel like my good standing is on the line. I feel like I’m going to lose something so precious.

 

Over a year ago I was at a cub scouts meeting with my twin boys. As we were leaving my son had found a stick (a big one) that he wanted to take home. He was standing outside and said he wanted to bring this home with us. I was in one of those “I’m tired I don’t want to deal with this just get in the car” kind of moods. I told my son that I didn’t want any more of his sticks in our house. To my credit the kid has a pile of sticks outside that could run a fireplace for an entire day.

 

I can still recall the hurt and confused look on his face that he couldn’t bring the stick. “Why Daddy?” I didn’t have a good reason. My other son was pleading with me as well, “just let him have the stick.” I didn’t let him have it. On our drive home he was crying and upset that I had put my foot down on this.

 

I didn’t soften or admit that maybe, possibly I had made a mistake and I should have allowed him to have the stick. I doubled down and said in a grumpy voice that he had so many sticks taking up space in our lives and he didn’t need another one.

 

Now I don’t think that point of view is wrong in terms of space and number of sticks. What is wrong is that I’m holding this point over what is more important: my son’s broken heart. The rest of the evening I didn’t waver, I kept reiterating that he had enough sticks.

 

This wasn’t about sticks. I wanted it to be about sticks. I wanted to explain that the pile of sticks outside wasn’t acceptable. My son was looking at with his facial expression and saying, “but Daddy, can you see me? Can you see that the stick is about my adventurous spirit and I need you to respect that?”

 

My answer was, “take your adventurous spirit and shove it.” What was I protecting my son from? Too many sticks in our house? No, I was protecting myself from the pain he was feeling and my own shame. I had to keep holding on to my wimpy point of view.

 

I was afraid that if I admitted my mistake I would be seen as a failure and then everyone would know that I’m a shitty dad.

 

Owning It Brings Us Back To Hero Status

 

No matter how many times I shutdown or get defensive (which is a lot) my family is waiting to welcome me back with open arms.

 

How do I get back?

 

I Own It.

 

My sons and my wife want me to be the hero they love. They are okay with mistakes…being a hero is not about perfection. It’s about the ability to flow with our ups and downs.

 

The next day after crushing my son’s heart I woke up and realized what a shit I had been. I realized that this was not the man I wanted to be.

 

So I fixed it.

 

I drove to the school where we have our cub scout gatherings and I found the stick. Next, I brought it home and as my son was coming upstairs I pulled him close and I apologized. I said, “I messed up yesterday and I’m really sorry.”

 

His brother was upstairs and saw the stick. He knew right away what happened. “It’s your stick from last night.” My son realized what I did. He looked at me with tender eyes and he buried his head in my chest. “Thanks Daddy.” That was an unforgettable moment.

 

Hero Status Recovered.

 

I can imagine situations where this is trickier, especially with my wife. I used this example because I really believe that our ability to take responsibility for our failures is one of the most important things we can do as men. As men, we have more physical power in the family. When we are out of integrity it creates a lack of safety. Everyone is on guard.

 

And then we admit it. We say, “sorry everyone, that was my bad.” The safety is restored and everyone can go back to playing and enjoying life.

 

This is the power men have in their relational lives. I don’t think my kids or my wife feel afraid for their personal safety in these moments. I just know how it feels when I’m defending myself, trying to convince everyone that what I did was not a failure and how it feels when I own it. It’s like the moment when the record scratches and stops. Everyone looks up to me and implores me to accept my masculine power. When I do, everyone relaxes and the music keeps playing. If I don’t there is a feeling that everyone needs to head for the exits.

 

As I say in these posts often, I’m not special. I don’t have some “own it” superpower. Every man out there can do this. It takes a relaxing of our egos, an acknowledgement of the shame we feel and a desire to get back into connection with the people we love.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

 

References:

Borkoski, Jeff (2022). Better Man, Better Marriage: Awaken Your Inner Hero and Move from Passive to Powerful in Your Most Important Relationship. Self-published.