Emotional Sovereignty + Men's Emotions - BrassBalls TenderHeart

Emotional Sovereignty and Men’s Emotions

In the world of intimate partnership it is often the case that we are caught up in our emotions and placing them on our partner. This projective process is quite normal. However, it can be painful for our loved ones. Emotional Sovereignty is the ability to fully own our emotional experience without placing it on others. This requires internal emotional awareness and the ability to notice the dysregulation in our own bodies. When it comes to men’s emotions, our experience can be different from women’s.

What is emotional sovereignty?

Put simply it means owning your own shit. It is someone who has developed enough internal awareness of their own emotional responses that they don’t put it on the people around them.

Not having emotional sovereignty is someone who comes home after a stressful day at work and takes out their stress and frustration on their family. Nobody means to do this. They are lacking in emotional awareness and the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings inside them. As a result they behave in unhealthy ways and blame everyone around them. Let’s look at men’s emotions specifically, (as a Denver men’s therapist, this is in my direct line of work).

In his book Men’s Work, Connor Beaton describes it like this, “Emotional sovereignty is about you being in direct contact with your emotions—how they manifest physically and feel in the body, where they come from historically or in the moment, and what they are trying to tell you or teach you.” (Beaton, 144)

The toddler brain.

I’m stealing the idea of the toddler brain from Steven Stosny from his book, Soar Above: How To Use The Most Profound Part Of Your Brain Under Any Kind Of Stress.

I like the idea of the toddler brain because I think it explains how our limbic system (the emotional area of our brain) can get overwhelmed. When our limbic system is flooded we act out with blame, criticism and aggression. This is the opposite of emotional sovereignty. When we are pulled into our toddler brain we are just reacting and not responding to the world around us.

In Dr. Stosny’s book he explains that our brains actually learn how to be in relationship when at the toddler stage (age 2 and 3). This is when our brains are less developed. Our limbic systems are pretty well developed by age three so we have access to our full arsenal of emotions. What isn’t fully developed is what Dr. Stosny calls the adult brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain that makes sense of things and helps determine what is really happening versus what we are making up. As toddlers, we all learned to use our emotions to get our needs met. This often meant yelling, pushing and throwing tantrums. This all makes sense when we are two and three years old. However, as adults this is not very helpful.

When we are in our toddler brain (overactive limbic response) we see the other person as the reason for our reactions rather than being aware of our reactions. “If I’m angry it’s because you are being a jerk and if I’m anxious you are scaring me.” The toddler brain is overreacting to what the other person is doing which leads us to act out in our relationships.

Learning how to get out of the toddler brain.

If you think about what we are reacting to when we are in a difficult discussion with a partner or friend is the feeling that we are being undermined, dismissed or put down. We are in protective mode and we are attempting to protect ourselves from what we perceive as slights to our self identity.

For Dr. Stosny, the way to get out of the toddler brain is to hold on to our self value when we are in those difficult conversations (arguments). We hold that we are valuable no matter how we perceive the other person is perceiving us. This gives us immunity to what the other person says, not because we don’t care what they are saying but because we know that we have value even if we perceive them as devaluing us.

It could go like this: Your partner: “You never help around the house.”

Your inner voice: “I know I’m not perfect but I make a real effort to support my partner and my family because a core value is my commitment to the people I love.”

Your partner: “You’re always late.”

Your inner voice: “I sometimes get distracted at work and I need to be better at this but I know I’m getting better and I will be on time more in the future. I value being respectful to the people I love.”

By connecting to our self-value we don’t have to get caught up in the other person’s narrative and know that we are not who they are projecting onto in that moment. This allows us to stay in the conversation and not get as triggered by their response. This is emotional sovereignty.

Men’s Emotions and Holding Intensity

For many men the challenge of a relationship is being able to manage their own internal activation when their partner gets upset. When our lover gets upset we often feel threatened by their response.

The two most common responses to this activation is shutdown or defend. Shutting down is a nervous system freeze response. This is a rigid and checked out feeling. Defending is often a fight response. Either way leaves our partners alone and more angry and agitated.

Holding intensity is being able to tolerate the internal sensations and emotions while also staying in connection with our partners. I’m going to be honest…this is really hard to do. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth working on.

For me there are two things that can help with this. One is getting more connected to your breathing and staying with your breath. The more we can get into awareness of our body the more regulated we will stay. The second one that is helpful is by repeating mantras that remind you that you’re safe.

“I’m okay and {insert name of partner} is in pain.”

“Relax and connect.”

“I love you and I’m here for you.”

I would encourage you to use something like this and put it into your own words.

Training your nervous system to handle intensity and anxiety is the path to becoming less reactive. (Youngblood, 2019)

How this shows up in my life.

As I was writing this blog post I was thinking about how this idea of being sovereign could be taken the wrong way. It could be understood as a reason to isolate and not engage in a relationship. That’s not what sovereign means. The meaning of sovereign is to exercise power. Being able to be in charge of our emotions so that we can exercise our power in a healthy, respectful way. When we don’t have emotional sovereignty we lose ourselves in the reactivity of the moment and are lost in defensiveness or emotional stoicism.

I have been working hard on this super power for a few years now and I have gotten better. I still fail often but I know that my failure is not a measure of my ability to be a good partner. What I have realized is that I am the one that has emotions. I’m the one that gets angry, happy or irritated. Nobody else is making me feel how I feel. Not my wife, my kids or the guy flipping me off in traffic. In realizing this I’m the one solely responsible for how I feel, think and experience the world.

My job is to own this and not put it on anyone else. This to me is the real power of being emotionally sovereign. I don’t make other people accountable for my emotions. This is what brings more harmony into my relationships and allows me to feel more connected in my life.

If you or someone you know wants to feel more emotionally sovereign, I encourage you to reach out.