Relationships Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/relationships/ Relationship Coaching for Men Tue, 27 Oct 2026 13:59:34 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.3 https://i0.wp.com/brassballstenderheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/cropped-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 Relationships Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/relationships/ 32 32 151881966 Ep. 20: Embracing Male Responsibility with Morgan Rich https://brassballstenderheart.com/podcast-ep-20-embracing-male-responsibility-morgan-rich/ Sun, 13 Sep 2026 12:17:31 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50495 Morgan Rich, author of The Invitation Beyond, grew up with every advantage and still felt like a lost boy. He talks with Bryce about boarding school, losing his father during his first year of college, and how that grief eventually shaped his work coaching men.

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]]> The BrassBalls TenderHeart Podcast · Episode 20 · Originally released September 13, 2026 · 49 min

Morgan Rich, author of The Invitation Beyond, grew up with every advantage and still felt like a lost boy. He talks with Bryce about boarding school, losing his father during his first year of college, and how that grief eventually shaped his work coaching men.


Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | All episodes

About this episode

The heart of the conversation is discomfort: why the things men want most, like love, intimacy, meaning and purpose, sit on the far side of it, and how presence practices build the capacity to stay there instead of running.

“Everything that we want, love, intimacy, meaning, purpose, is towards the discomfort, not away from it.”
Morgan Rich

Key takeaways

  • A steady sense of self, built through daily practices like meditation, is what keeps men from showing up needy in their relationships.
  • Practices like cold exposure and breathwork train the same muscle you need for hard conversations with a partner: staying present when it is uncomfortable.
  • Partners are often looking for safety and groundedness more than performance. Presence without an agenda creates the conditions for real intimacy.
  • Many men were trained out of their natural sensitivity. Getting it back takes intentional practice and, often, some form of initiation.
  • The story you tell about your struggles shapes your growth. Framing hard seasons as learning, not failure, makes change sustainable.

About Morgan Rich

Morgan Rich coaches men on presence, initiation and healthy masculinity and is the author of The Invitation Beyond: Reclaiming Healthy Masculinity.

morganrich.com | The Invitation Beyond on Amazon

Doing this work yourself?

Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, works with men, dads and couples in Denver. If this episode hit home, start here:

Transcript

Read the full transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain small errors.

Bryce: Welcome to the Man for Real podcast. We are here to celebrate men as well as talk about how all men can do better and lead our world to a healthier place. Get ready to get real. Hey everyone, it’s great to be here with you all today. I’m excited to share this wonderful conversation with Morgan Rich, who wrote the book The Invitation Beyond. It was a wonderful conversation that I think you’ll really enjoy. Morgan Rich. Welcome to the podcast.

Morgan: my friend, good to be here. Thanks for all the all the good energy you put into the world and just appreciate your good minute.

Bryce: Thanks, man. I appreciate it. So I’d like to start with a little bit about you, a little bit about your journey. You know, I’ve read through your book. Shall we we’ll be talking about some of those pieces as we go. So I highly recommend I’ll put it in the show notes as well. I’m curious, kind of like kind of how maybe you got here. There’s a little bit of that in the book, but there’s like some stories and stuff, but maybe a little bit more about you and how you kind of come to some of these realizations over the last Two decades.

Morgan: Yeah. Yeah, thanks. I think the place I would would start, just what’s what’s sort of relevant and up for me these days is I read an article recently about the lost boys. About the lost boys. And I you know, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about lost boys ’cause I I was a lost boy. Maybe I maybe I still am in some ways. You know, there’s certainly a part of a lost boy inside of me who’s who’s searching. But I think what I’ve been as I’ve been sort of thinking about it, I have a particular flavor of lost of lost boyness, which is to say that that I grew up upper middle class in Chicago, went to private schools, had everything I needed, summer camps in the summers, played ice hockey. You know, from outward appearances, everything was and I I would not have been a lost boy. In fact, even as I think about it, the teacher conferences and the school thought I was doing fine. But inside I was I was really confused and really struggling. Like school did not work for me. And I had a dream I was an I am an athlete, so I play ice hockey and like didn’t go and Had a dream to play in the Olympics back when I was a teenager. I I still have a dream to play in the Olympics. Let’s be let’s be honest about it. You know, I’ve moments where I think, like, I think I think maybe, I think just maybe I could be the first fifty-six year old dude to make it. Yeah, just that ambition. So I went away to boarding school when I was fifteen and and pretty fat shortly after that, the dream kind of died. And it was hard because it was so much of my identity because I wasn’t a school guy. I wasn’t an I wasn’t an academic intellectual guy. So that was sort of the first huge big loss. Of going for something and realizing like, ⁓ shit, like I that identity of being hockey guy isn’t who I am. And I got plunged in, you know, away at boarding school. Got it. There was some loneliness in there. So then continue through high school, all kinds of good stories in there. My dad died my first year of college. So just as I’m transitioning out of high school into college, my dad dies and I end up a number of different schools. But the fru line of it is that here I am. young guy in a lot of grief with something trying to come alive at me that is not normal that I couldn’t name at that point, feeling again like a lost boy, you know, feeling like I don’t fit here. And I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I don’t fit into this. And there were some very clear messages that came, which was, can you just please comply, play by the rules and do what you’re supposed to do? And I couldn’t. Both I couldn’t because I wasn’t good at it, but I also couldn’t because there was something in me that was just saying, like, I that’s not that world of the old boys network, of selling out who I am and what I care about, just to fit in and just to be successful in that model that we see, you know, high school, private school, boarding school, you know, northeast college, off into, you know, finance or whatever it might be. And then everything’s grand because I’m making a whole bunch of money and I have the right cars and the right house and. I it was like that’s not my story. But I was groomed for that. And I was in an environment where that’s where everyone else was being groomed for. But I was something else was going on inside of me that I was trying to figure out and didn’t really have role models for, didn’t have anyone I could go to and say, What is this all about? And this doesn’t seem like this is what I’m up to. And there were some really big stories about being laughed at. When I wrote about friendship and love in a classroom, about being, you know, running for student body president and being undercut by the by the frat boys that were just saying, like, you’re supposed to be doing it a certain way, and you aren’t. So we are gonna crush you. And I was in that. It was hard. And so that really, in many ways, Bryce was the was the genesis of my work with men, because I needed someone to come find me. I needed someone who had been through the darkness, who was a respected elder, who wasn’t full of shit and wasn’t pretending and wasn’t just talking the game of, you know, but I needed someone who had integrity and depth and and initiation and something that I couldn’t bring words to back then, but now see as I was trying to I was fighting a fight of trying to stay alive in my soul and in a place that had no interest in soul or healthfulness or real masculinity in my from what I currently see. So that’s where it started. You know, I mean that was that’s really the genesis of my desire to be to work with men is to be the guy that I needed back then. And really didn’t find until I was in my late thirties when I read a story about Michael Mead and his resisting Vietnam, the Vietnam War and really ended up in in a place of, you know, he was in solitary confinement.

Bryce: Yeah.

Morgan: On a hunger strike, not, you know, and a general came to him and said, Soldier, are you do you want to die in this cell? And he said, I would rather die. Like, yes, I would rather die here in this cell, connected to whatever limited sense of self that I have inside of me, that I would go out there and play a game of killing other people who I don’t know for reasons I don’t understand. ⁓ And that resonated with me, resonates with me so like there was some like. I had my own version of that, which wasn’t you know, solitary confinement in the military and all that. But it was in private school fighting a fight of feeling like I was all alone, naked, with no one there to to support me.

Bryce: Wow. What’s interesting about what you’re talking about to me is how there was like I’m sure there were lots of different moments, but I’m it seems like there was this thread of like clarity in you of like who you were and who you weren’t. Like, you know, like to be able to push against the culture, the rules, the society, you have to be really clear, I think. And that’s what’s impresses me about you is like, wow, you really pushed back and said, No, I’m not gonna do it this way. Yeah. And I I didn’t quite have the same sort of grooming that you had, but there was elements of that in my life as well. But I just I’m just curious about like what was it that was so clear to you inside of you that was like, I can’t do it this way.

Morgan: I’ll say it impresses me about me also, I have to say. And to really answer your question, honestly, I don’t know. Like I I don’t I there wasn’t some my experience of me at that time of my life was that I was really lost. Like that I was really hurting, that I was really confused. I didn’t have some guiding light that was like, Okay, here’s you know, here’s what I’m trying to do. Mostly I was just scrambling to try to stay alive and just knowing f there was just something in me, you know My dad my dad founded the Chicago Bulls and he was the president of Young Presidents Organization back in the late 60s, which was like a who’s who of all the, you know, really, really successful dudes in the world. When I was born, he was sort of at the pinnacle of what might be called success in the world. But the dad that I knew from that point forward was mostly destitute. Like he went from having quote unquote everything to living in a one-room boarding house. with me with a bathroom down the hallway. And so he there was something in him that realized like that life, that what we’ve defined as success, I think he had some big questions about it. I don’t really know because I I just didn’t we didn’t talk about it. But right before he died, you know, he was he had a brain tumor and he was he was really sick. And I it was pretty clear he was dazed from death, although I didn’t really know. And I I took his hands and I just said, like please dad. Take whatever you need for me. Like take the energy you need, take the life force you need, take the strength you need. I was a big, strong hockey player, good shape, all this kind of stuff. I’m just like, please, please, please, like take what you need to stay alive. And I think what happened was something got it like boomeranged on me, where he gave me something. And he gave me something that I didn’t like feel or know, but it was part of the the answer to your question. Which is to say something in me woke up that said there’s a deeper life here that I think he was searching for, that I think he knew, that he didn’t finish his journey particularly. And so he sort of passed it along to me because all of a sudden, like after he died, I just decided I wasn’t I wasn’t a big drinker substance user before that. But I I just I was clear like I’m not I’m not medicating his death. I’m not I was listening to one of your podcasts where the man who lost three of his closest friends, you know, and went down the road of addiction and alcoholism, you know. For whatever reason I didn’t do that. I I can’t explain what exactly why that happened. Alcoholism is all over my family. I just knew that wasn’t a path. And I was somehow willing and able to sit in the pain, incredible pain, like my own rite of passage, which I never would have named it as such, of grief and darkness. Listening to something, some clarity, some knowing, some something that was guiding me.

Bryce: Wow. It’s just ⁓ I mean, not that your dad was able to do that consciously, but there’s such a gift. Such an incredible gift to say, I’m out. Here’s this final bit of wisdom. Figure this out for yourself. That’s kind of incredible. And I think you I was thinking that as you before you said it of like, you know, for so many of us, we never got that moment of like, You’re a man now. You know, like you’ve gone through this passage and you’re welcome into the men of community of men. And it sounds like in a way, this energetic passing, if you want to describe it, was a moment of you being like welcomed into manhood on some level and your dad saying, Wake up, there’s something different out there for you.

Morgan: Yeah, I described his death as one of the biggest gifts of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. It was so I was in so much pain. And and I wish I and again, like the reason that I do the work that I do and care you know, do this is because I wish that had been visible. It would have made things really different to me. He didn’t say anything in that hand moment. Like I didn’t I wasn’t Conscious of any shift. It just happened. And then, you know, it wasn’t there was nothing in me before that. It wasn’t like all of a sudden I was full of, you know, like I had a lot of integrity, I had a lot of hard work. I had had this whole death of my dream in in hockey, having to go from being one of the most talented kids at my little tiny school in Chicago to the least talented kid at this big boarding school. And having to fight my ass off to make the team, which I barely did, and then fight my ass off to get on the ice. And for some reason there was something in me that engaged, you know. And I wish I was able to say, like, here’s what

Bryce: It’s

Morgan: just was in me and it’s always been in me. And then it was galvanized by the, you know, that moment, like you’re saying, there was an initiation that happened there. It just wasn’t visible. And I think we need to, as men, elder men, start to make the initiations more visible and start to speak into this place. Because otherwise we have guys wandering around uninitiated or initiated on their own, like I was. But that is, it’s beautiful. Like I’m so proud of myself and feel great about it. And man, was it, you know, like I feel like what the way I say it is like I I wish I had had happened sooner and then I had gotten in different trouble. You know. I feel like I’m sort of tired of this trouble of not being initiated. Like let’s get initiated and then get into trouble. Cause like that could be way more fucking interesting than whatever we’re doing now, just walking around as lost boys fucking things up.

Bryce: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No

Morgan: Like the world needs us to get in different trouble.

Bryce: Right, right. Yeah, I know I think I’m I mean we could talk about this specific issue of initiation for the several podcasts, I imagine. It’s a big deal. And especially today and it has been maybe ever. What I get curious about the other piece that really struck out to me is when you were talking about your ability to stay in the discomfort. Yeah. You know, like your dad passes your I mean, it sounds like you guys were starting To like maybe find more intimacy and connection. I’m not sure if that was accurate, but something was happening and then and then he’s gone. And you get you get sort of the rug pulled out from underneath you’re like, nope, you don’t get to have that. It’s just like huge loss, huge pain. And then you said, I didn’t medicate, I just stayed in the discomfort. That is remarkable too. And I think like for me and my work, so much of what I try to do is teach my clients how to stay in the discomfort. Just to sit in it. And they are like, what? Why would I do that? Which I understand, but it’s also like it’s transformative in its own way. And that’s what people don’t understand. So I’m I’m curious because you were doing this at such a young age, you know, like that’s what’s remarkable. It’s like people can do it, but they usually have to have quite a bit of life experience. And you were able to sit in it. I’m not asking if you have an answer to why you were able to do that, because I I’m sure you don’t. But I just think that that came up in the book a lot too, was this capacity for discomfort.

Morgan: Yeah. No, I mean, I and thank you for like hanging out with people there because I feel like it’s it’s an incredible gift. And I feel like it is so like I mean, I always say we gotta go towards the discomfort, not away from it. Everything that we want love, intimacy, meaning, purpose is towards the discomfort, not away from it. I mean, it just is so obvious. And yet I think one of the failures of our education system, one of the failures of a lot of different embarrassed systems is that we don’t what I say is like create have help. provide the infrastructure, the foundational pieces to be able to hang in that discomfort. What I can say is is is is I I think about it a lot as you do. How do we help men? How do we help people learn to be uncomfortable, to learn to hang in there and when it gets really shaky, then know that I’ve got myself. And I don’t I don’t know where it came in me. It just was there in some certain way. And, you know, I was an athlete, so I had that going for me. Good athlete.

Bryce: Yeah.

Morgan: I go away to boarding school, you know, back in the eighties. I’m fourteen. I just I’m like s on the edge of making the hockey team. I make this huge decision to leave the school I’ve been at for eleven years to go pursue this dream. The dream is like riding on it on an edge of I don’t know if I’m gonna make the team the the J V team, the varsity B team. Like I’m I’m like barely there. And I’m scared shitless because everything I my whole identity is just on the edge. Mm-hmm. And again, someone said, like, hey, let’s read it high. And I tried it and it didn’t work. So again, there was a part of me that just knew I didn’t want to go on a substance abuse route for whatever reason. But I’m also sitting in my dorm room. And back in that day, like there weren’t video games. There wasn’t easy access to porn. I didn’t have a phone that was distracting me. I had the radio. So basically I just had to sit there and feel. And I for some reason I had the capacity to be able to do it. without all the distractions of this day. So I have a lot of compassion and to stay present today in the discomfort, I would say is more too we’ve we’ve we’ve upped the ante in terms of the challenge of it because there’s so such easy access to distraction and and bailing out.

Bryce: Yeah, that’s well said. Yeah, I I totally agree. I think it is so much harder for younger men to to learn these capacities because of so much distraction. Okay, so at this point, been doing this for a while, I guess one of the things I get curious about is this question of like discomfort, but also this way in which you describe in the book of I’m not sure I’m gonna quite describe it right, but like there’s a way in which you’re highly aware of your energetic Influence on people. And specifically, one of the things that stood out to me in the book, obviously changing topics here a little bit, but I really enjoyed the way you described how you could show up with more feminine energy and hold space for it and connect to it with a way that was really safe for this feminine being. I’m sure it was almost always a woman. But that was really fascinating to me because I think one of the things that If we were to talk about initiation, one of the things we don’t teach young men is how to be with young women. They just figured out sort of hodgepodge awkwardly, confusingly, for both the girl and the boy and the and the young man and the young woman. And I think what was really striking about your book was how you have been able to learn how to hold that energy. Both, you know, like there’s sexual energy, there’s attraction, all these things that are happening. And for many people and I think even, you know, older men, it’s really hard to contain that in a way that doesn’t come across as dangerous or confrontational on some level. So that was one of the things I really wanted to s ask you about, of like what that’s like for you and how you do that.

Morgan: Yeah, thank you. Well, and thank you for really reading the book and bringing your curiosity and your, you know, particular version of how you bring yourself to the world into it. And no one’s asked me that question. It’s a beautiful question. I feel sort of honored to feel seen. I feel seen in that way, which is really emotional and and touching and touching for me. So thank you for that.

Bryce: Yeah.

Morgan: To me, the foundation of all of the discomfort and that to give, you know, almost all of what I teach and just what I’ve dissected through my own journey is this idea of I’ve got me. Is this place of when I sit in my meditation every day, I connect in with the man I know myself to be. I connect in with what it feels like to be myself and that I don’t need if everything crumbles around me, I’m gonna be okay. Because I’ve got I can come right back to my quiet place. I can come back to the flowers and the birds and my see sacred space and be okay and just breathe and know that I can do this breath. I can do this breath. I can just be right here. And so I don’t need the validation of any external things. I don’t need a job to tell me that I’m Worthy. I don’t need a certain amount of money to tell me that I’m successful. I don’t need a car, close it, or to indicating. I don’t need people to be able to say, like, wow, you’re really awesome. You’re really great. All this kind of thing. Cause I’ve got it here. ⁓ And so that’s like the foundation of all the discomfort and all the ability to be present. Cause I’m not looking for someone to fill some hole in me that is not full. Mm-hmm. So from that place, like that’s a really sweet place because then I’m able to be really present with people. And that’s really my first book, which is about the idea of if you know yourself and you trust yourself, like when I really know myself and I trust it, then I’m able to listen. I’m able to then empathize. I’m able to then be present with someone else because I’m not looking for anything. I’m not trying to, you know, brag about what college I went to or what grades I got or how cool I am or anything. I’m just able to be really present and be with them. And in that place.

Bryce: Yes.

Morgan: is a beautiful receptivity and an openness. And I think this is where the feminine comes in, which is I’m then able to be one, just my own feminine energy of being able to be, you know, intuitive and caring, deeply caring. And I’m able to then just listen and hold women, you know, the feminine, in a way that is not trying to get anything. Like I don’t I don’t need to prove myself. I don’t need their approval I don’t need approval from them. So it all that weird tension of, you know, ⁓ if I just, you know, fuck her, then I’m gonna be like, you know, I’m gonna be able to brag to my friends, or I’m gonna get some status, or I’m gonna feel good about myself, or whatever it is. It just, it’s like not, it just doesn’t like that’s not the game. You know, the game is is to be with this human being, just like I’m with every human being as much as I can, that man I know myself to be, of I care about you and I want you to breathe your full beauty potential into this world. Whatever I can do to be a service of that, I am ready for that.

Bryce: Wow. I’m really appreciating that. It’s it’s interesting. I think one of the things that comes up for me a lot in my own personal development is well, I guess two things. One is this sense of humility, and the other is this sense of service. And so for me, the way you’re describing it is the humility of knowing myself in a way that I don’t need anything else. I’ve got it all right here. Like it’s never gonna the external’s never gonna make this any different. It’s it’s like a sugar high. If I I don’t know, if I won the lottery or something, it’d be a moment. But it but it doesn’t actually change anything in here. And so it’s this sense of clarity or like completeness that I find in myself. And then I think the other piece of that is that, you know, delving into my purpose is that I have to be of service. I have to be of service. Like that’s my that’s what I am. If I’m not doing my work, ’cause I think like even if I had, you know, enough resources, I didn’t have to get paid or something like that, I’d still do this because this is this is my gift, right? I have to do this. So I think what’s interesting about what you’re saying is like when we show up in that sense of completeness, I don’t have to get anything from you. I’m just ready to take anything. I’m just being here of service to you in every moment. So like what you’re saying with a woman who, you know, you’re finding attractive, she’s finding you attractive. You can feel that energy and like the chemistry and all that stuff, but you’re not there to get something. You’re there to just be of service. And I think what you’re describing, which I really appreciate, is the desire to help everyone become their fullest self. You know, it’s like it’s kind of like ⁓ the idea of the bodhisattva, right? From Buddhist texts. It’s like we are here to help people become their fullest self. And we’ll stay behind for hundreds, thousands of years until everyone gets to be to reach that fullest self. So I don’t know. I just I’m really sort of double clicking on that as like an idea for anyone listening of like That is the work is for you to be manifest in yourself your full self. And then when you get there, and I I feel this in myself, not that I’m there. I mean, there’s no there. I’m always yeah, trying to get to grow and improve and evolve and stuff. I’m not, yeah, there’s no ending. But I feel at this point in my life, what I am really appreciating is my clarity that what I want around me is the ability to help others reach their fullest self. And in that is my own journey. ‘Cause as I’m helping others, they’re helping me and all that stuff. It’s reciprocal in that way. But I th I don’t know, I just think that’s a really powerful way of living is to live in that space of s of humility and service. So I just wanted to

Morgan: No, thank you. And you as well. I love, you know, the humility and services, yeah, same for me. A huge, huge value. And you it’s and it’s interesting, you know, with the women in my life and in the stories in the book. I mean, one of the interesting stories is about breaking open. And the interesting story about that one was it had started where we were at a dance at a festival and, you know, like she felt like I grabbed her ass. And I don’t think that I did, but she was, you know, like we got into this, like right away there was this confrontation. And I felt, you know, like I like went and checked in, was like, okay, am I running something? Did I do that on purpose? Is that you know, I just checked in and I went back and just said, Hey, I I really apologize. Like not at all my intention. And she was still really mad. And I just said, Hey, you know, if there’s anything I can do to to help, you know, bring that up, you know, heal me know. And we didn’t talk for many, many, many months and then reconnected. We just both happened to be in, you know, in Bend Oregon at one point. And I don’t even remember how the connection happened, but it started with me again acknowledging and apologizing and just saying, Hey, you know, I know that you felt like I violated your space and grabbed you. And I, you know, I care about that. It matters to me. You know, as far as I can feel, it was not my intention. And I feel that you I can feel that you have different different sense of it. Really listen to her talk about it. And what happened through that was once that we cleaned that up, which took a while, and you talk about sitting in discomfort. Like there’s a huge amount of discomfort right there of, you know, humility and checking in with myself and feeling like, am I, you know, running energy that I don’t intend to be running, like really paying attention. And then also taking you know, taking my own sovereign space of saying, like, I really don’t think so. And I get it that it impacted someone. But after that, we had some safe and ability that she felt like, you know, I’m not trying to get anything. And I was able just to hold a really beautiful space where she then was able to open and the chapter in the book is called Breaking Open. And what she was able to share was just some really vulnerable, beautiful things about her own journey. And she there’s just a moment where she where she just said, you know, I’m I just feel like I want to cry and like fall into your arms and just be held and just feel sorry for myself and just be held by the masculine. And we sort of started, and of course, for me it was really healing in that way to hold someone in that way. But pretty soon after that, she pulled back and she said, Wait a second, I actually don’t want to break down. Again, been doing that my whole life. This feels like a moment of breaking open, of breaking into new territory, of new terrain. And so then we both sort of sat there like, whoa, okay, that’s really we didn’t didn’t see that coming and really interesting. And so then we were again in the unknown, a different kind of discomfort, a really deep, intimate discomfort where we had established a boundary that we aren’t going down the sexual road. So how do we play this? And we didn’t, we didn’t have any kind of playbook. And so we just, you know, did that. And it became this ch another chapter in the book, which was to me, that was a beautiful moment for me of feeling like I want her and I want the feminine and all the women in my life and my beautiful partner. Like I feel like my like I want Hadley to be the most beautiful expression of herself in this world, to be held by the masculine in a way she has never been held by the masculine that is safe. That is sovereign, that is grounded, that is protective, that is there, that is, like I say, escorting her into the arena. I want her to be able to bring her incredible beauty and gifts and goddess energy to the world. And that feels to me like my role as a sovereign man is to uplift her and and like you said, be of service to everyone.

Bryce: Yeah. Wow. I’m appreciating that. I’m sort of noticing like, is this a capacity that men find they can only discover this later in life? I just was wondering this. I like, you know, because I’m fifty-four, you’re fifty six, and we’re sort of at this maybe somewhat similar place. I just wonder about like, you know, people in their thirties or forties. I find one of the challenges that a lot of people ha a lot of my clients, I guess, speaks more specifically. have is around all these things you’re talking about. Like, how do I show up in this relationship and create safety and intimacy and all these things that I want, but I also I want to have sex. I want to get close. I want this person to come towards me. I want to go towards them. Like there is this wanting that exists. And so I think one of the things I’m taking away from you, which is maybe obvious to me, but not to a lot of the people I work with, is that in a ⁓ Sort of presence of it without like when to me, like presence is like a there’s a lack of agenda, right? Like when I’m really truly present, I don’t have an agenda. And I think it’s that that my wife can feel a more safety. Yeah. And I don’t think I’m like coming in and having this like real big, like intended thing, I’m not gonna come out with an agenda. I’m just sitting there in full presence and I’m just like, I’m here and I love you. And you know, there’s moments where just that is a real like turn on for her to feel like. Wow, you feel so safe to me because you’re so present. And so it’s interesting how a lot of men are grasping for this thing, but it’s actually in the sort of pulling back that actually creates more of the turn on for the feminine to feel the safety. Cause the safety is what I think women are l so desperately longing for, is that sense of safety. Yes. Cause in my work with couples, I’ll describe this to the masculine person, the man usually, and I’ll say, this is. what she’s longing for and I’ll describe it. And then he’ll say to her, like, is that what you want? And she’s just like, ⁓ my God. Yes. Yes. I never even knew I wanted it until right now. And that is desperately what I want. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And so I’m always struck by that of like this sense of safety and groundedness and presence. And it’s it’s not super complicated. At least I don’t think it is. Maybe we’re using some esoteric language that’s a little hard to understand. I think it’s easy to just to think about

Morgan: Mm-hmm.

Bryce: But it’s really fucking hard to do. Yeah. Because you’re managing so many other details. Yeah.

Morgan: Yeah. And there’s I talk to my young guys about sometimes because I just say, you know, like that is presence is so incredibly powerful. And what I found is that in that place, that’s where women open to more intimacy, to more depth, to the sex that, you know, to that intimate, beautiful sexual sharing of space. Then we’re in this incredible relationship connection, whatever it might be, that’s, you know, but that’s not the intention. And it sometimes goes there and sometimes doesn’t. But like you’re saying with your wife, you know, like it’s an incredible turn up. I mean, that’s like having just like that’s where that’s incredible turn on. And it’s not a game. It isn’t like, yeah, let’s really learn to be present so then we can get more, you know, no, that’s that ⁓ that does not work. And that’s like ick and no and no. And I I think what I I wanna believe in my heart, and I do believe is that it’s not just the fifty some year old dudes. I feel like I was ready for this when I was eighteen. It was in me. I I look at some of the young guys that I work with and I feel it in them. You know, one of the guys in my group, he’s just this insecure, kind of maybe clumsy a little bit, but like really caring dude who has it in him. Like he is right there, you know, and he’s twenty, so he’s a little bit like, How do we do this intimacy thing? Like I don’t really know. But the heart is there, you know. So it’s like the twenty year old version. Of it. And I just, I feel like it’s not something we learn when we’re 50. I think it’s in us and we’ve been trained out of it. I think it’s part of the lost boy thing that we have learned to be macho and fearful, not fearful and you know, not weak. And that that sensitive, beautiful place, maybe not in all men, but in a lot of them. If we were able to do that initiation piece, if we were as adult men really able to cultivate that and have it. be more ubiquitous in the culture where we have a healthy sexuality, which we do not have from either side in this culture at all. You know, it’s very, very warped and weird. Yeah. So messages are are really challenging. Again, it’s almost like the phones and the distraction thing of we’re so confused about what intimacy, connection, love is. But I wanna believe that it’s in there. And if we can rabit earlier again, then we can start to you know, I struggle with the same thing of like, how do I get more of my clients there? And I just keep believing that it’s there and and trying to figure out like, okay, how do we pave the how do we illuminate the path here?

Bryce: Yeah. Yeah. Well I’m curious, you know, so for you in your work, what’s some of the things that you’re finding helpful for the men you coach in terms of helping them find more of that? I don’t know, like it’s like you’re talking about a lot of things, but I think maybe starting with just presence, ability to be present.

Morgan: way I do it for myself and then the way I offer it to people and and of course it looks different for everyone as we as we know, but to me it’s sort of a daily practice. You know, it really starts with that place of sitting quietly with myself, of the way I say it, and this happened when my after my dad died, like my friends were was the lake, was the trees, was the moon, was the wind, was the natural world that cycles, and I would sit there and watch the leaves change and die. And I would, you know, watch the birds and you know do their thing and the flowers come and go. And so it starts with the daily practice and the and the sitting and just learning like here I am and I can be with myself. I can really just learn how to be with myself. And it starts in that simple, conceptually simple but challenging space of presence, of just learning to be present. And then what I do is I start to turn up the volume and I like to say the texture of the adversity of the discomfort. So I go sit somewhere that’s not my home space and feel like what is it like to do this in a park? You know, where there’s people around or there’s different birds or there’s different, you know, so I’m I’m just changing it up. And can I stay present there? Can I stay with myself there? And then I go in and I get into some cold water, or you’re gonna do a, you know, cold I use cold showers, but not in the way that we have this whole like, you know, manosphere. biohacking, cold plunge kind of thing, for me it’s really, really different. It’s about increasing sensation that is uncomfortable and using the small movement of just making the shower a little bit colder, a little bit colder to the point where you aren’t like trying to flex and be like, I like, I’m in the cold water. Like, no, like can we be in the cold water and just allow it to be a little bit uncomfortable? And again, stay present, keep my nervous system calm. I’m training myself to be in the discomfort. I’m training myself to be present even when things start to get a little bit wonky. And the idea of the cold is and this is what we you know what I do in my groups. I talk to you guys like establish your program. I mean, if it’s breath work, if you want to like do breath retention, that’s, you know, great. If you want to go to a yoga class and go and feel what it feels like to be in that, you know, in that kind of situation where your where your body is uncomfortable and you learn how to breathe and calm, great. But we’ve gotta reestablish the infrastructure of being uncomfortable, of training ourselves for those moments. So that then when we have to have the conversation with our partner or our friend or whoever it might be, then we have some we know that we can be in the like, ⁓ shit, this is like really scary. This is really there’s like a lot of sensation happening here. And I’m okay. Like it’s okay. It’s okay. I can do this. I can do this breath. I can do this feeling. I got myself.

Bryce: ⁓ yeah, I love that distinction between that sort of like trying to grip through it versus like learning how to like just settle into your body and feel the same the discomfort at the same time. Or it’s like letting go of that initial sort of like it it’s cold. It’s kinda hard to control that. But then eventually as you stay with it, it can start to feel that settling.

Morgan: Yes, exactly. That’s exactly right, Brash. And because it’s my commitment to myself. And there’s all kinds of stories about this in the book, is I’m going to get into the cold water. And that like freaking my system out isn’t helping. Like if my I’m all amped up and my cells are all tense. Then when I get into a moment of discomfort in the world, like that that’s not the energy that I want when I’m in an intimate moment. Yeah, yeah. I want to be really present and calm. And so getting in the water and just going, like, okay, I’m going to have one moment where I just all like I and I literally say to my nervous system, okay, nervous system, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just sensation. Okay. All my cells, all the cells, it’s okay. Like here we are. This is just sensation. This is just a different texture. Okay, muscular system. Like calm down. And I like scan my body and all the systems and kind of just have them all say, We got that. That’s okay. Like we’re all okay right now. We got this. Like this is life. Feel what it feels like and stop. thinking that it’s uncomfortable and making up all kinds of shit in your head about what’s actually happening and just feel the water. Just feel what it feels like. Cause really what I’ve noticed is that a hot shower is actually equally as uncomfortable. It’s just that I’m used to it. And I’ve have a story in my head that that’s good and comfortable and relaxing. And the cold is uncomfortable and shitty and horrible. But that’s there it’s just a sensation. And so that to me is the is like the the training ground.

Bryce: Yeah, I like that. I’m just trying to fill it into my own experience of like how do I respond to because I’ve been actually trying to take cold showers. It’s hard for me to fully get into the shower. Like I kinda kinda hover in the shower and take on some my head’s cold, my arms I’m trying to get fully into the shower. Yeah, it is it is interesting because you’re right. It is a story. The story is like, this is gonna kinda suck. Like that’s the story. And then I get in and then it’s just confirmation bias. Yeah, this kind of sucks. But really that Doesn’t really suck. It’s just you’re right. It’s just sensations, cold sensation on my body and arms, whatever. And there’s a moment ⁓ actually this morning, there was a moment where it f settled just a little bit and I was like, Yeah. ⁓ I I got more of my body fully in and I was like, ⁓ Mm-hmm. That was interesting. I could feel that.

Morgan: Yeah. And then there’s a really crucial piece in here. So layering on the training is the way that you tell your story about it. Cause there’s a thread in what you’re saying is you aren’t doing it well enough or you aren’t doing it right or you’re not good at it. And like, ⁓ if I was just stronger, better something, then I would be able to get my whole body in and do all this kind of stuff. So starting to notice like that, that that’s the dialogue. Instead of it being like, How fucking awesome. Here I am pushing my edge. It’s uncomfortable, but I care about myself enough to like be in this like mildly cold water. And like, is it as cold as it could be or should be or like no? But here I am, like being courageous, learning to push my system, learning to do this because it matters and I care about it. You know? And so here I am, like doing this great thing that is making a difference for me. So starting to really learn, really learn how to narrate your story in a way that is. Wildly generous and caring. We do this in the groups all the time. Men tell stories. And I’m just like, wait a second. We got to tell the story different. Like, how can you say that in a way that holds yourself as, you know, you just really messed up the conversation with your wife? Like you messed it up. But you had the conversation. And most people don’t have the conversation. And so the only way you’re going to learn how to have the conversation is by doing it. And so give yourself credit for stepping in and taking a risk and loving her enough to actually try it. Right. And so it is this like creative, really significant process of learning the narration of my own journey and being so kind to myself. And not like being, you know, full of shit, yeah, but looking at it in a way of saying, like, okay, I’m not really very good at that, but I’m right here learning it and I’m willing to keep trying and Way better than avoiding it. I’ve been avoiding it for 40 years. And so here I am actually trying it. Like that’s awesome. Like I’m proud of myself.

Bryce: Yeah, I love that. It’s reminding me yesterday I was helping my I have two boys and they were playing the piano and they’re trying to play this song and they would mess up. They would get the wrong thing and they would be like they would do it once and they’d be like, okay, and they would try again and then they’d get really frustrated, like, ⁓ damn. It’s almost like I don’t know what the story was, but it was probably something like, I can’t do this right. This is too hard. I just something like that. And I was just like, ⁓ yeah, you’re this is hard. This is hard and you made a mistake. And that’s okay. This is how you learn. I was trying to give them an o another story. But I I love that idea of like really being conscious of the n of the narration. Cause it’s we’re it’s not even really I mean, there’s a story, but it’s like we’re just constantly narrating our lives all the time. And so being very intentional about that narration, I I don’t think I am that intentional. I think I catch certain stories, but really it’s a constant narration that I’m either creating or I’m sort of just letting my unconscious just run. Yeah. That’s a beautiful

Morgan: Yeah, I mean I’m pretty ruthless with myself right now around like I’ve beaten myself up for a long, long, long time. You know, in those days when I was sitting by myself, I wasn’t like, yeah, like wait to be in the darkness, my friend. I was like, ⁓ my God, like I’m so broken and so lost. And I wasn’t, that’s the that’s the thing. I wasn’t, I was right on target with like all the good energy of the universe. Right. I was in this loving, caring, beautiful place of doing an initiation, of being in the dark, of courageously stepping and feeling and not drinking and not getting lost in all the bullshit of what happens in our educational system or wherever, you know, like I I didn’t but that was not the story that I I like that I was telling myself. So, you know, it’s just it made a huge difference.

Bryce: Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine. I wonder though, there is this kind of part of me that comes up that is like, you already said this, like it’s not just feeding yourself bullshit, but there’s this like sometimes I find men who are in this place of like positive toxicity where it’s like everything is supposed to be positive and then it’s like they never will look at the negative or what’s going wrong. They’re like, Yeah, so it’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine. So it’s like, how do you work towards the authenticity of it or the The integrity of it of like being really real and honest because sometimes you fucking do stupid shit or really mean shit. And so then it’s like being honest about that and then also supporting you with the narration of that as well.

Morgan: Yeah, it’s a really good question. There is something really interesting in there, isn’t there, of finding the authentic, of of like not bullshitting ourselves, of not of of having it be ⁓ you know, being able to see the mess that is there. Or the vulnerability or the addiction or the meanness or the whatever it is. And that feels it f I guess it feels as I’m feeling into it, you know.

Bryce: Yeah.

Morgan: like a little bit different than the, you know, this the narration of it. Cause there’s the noticing the story that comes to mind and have all these funny stories. The story that comes to mind is I was standing at my sink one day doing dishes and I noticed that I like clenching my asshole really like really tight. Like I was super tense and I was like, you know, tight. And then I started giving myself a hard time for it. And I was like, okay, interesting. I wonder how long in my life I’ve been standing at the sink unaware that I was doing that. But like today for some reason I noticed it for the first time. And it’s not I wasn’t like proud of it. I wasn’t like, ⁓ yeah, that’s a real swarm fuzzy. Like it’s great that I’m, you know, all tense and uptight. And so instead of telling the story like, ⁓ my God, like what a loser you are for like being so tense all these years and all this time. I found a way to be like, ⁓ my God, it’s amazing that I actually just saw that. Like what a what a what an amazing day today is that I actually realized how uptight I am when I’m doing the dishes. And now I get to do something about it. So to me it’s it’s you know it’s in the same way of it’s not about not pretending I have a drinking problem or I you you know you’re you’re you know again your former guest who is drinking you know it’s not saying like ⁓ my drinking’s fine everything’s great I can you know just make it all good and I’ll just kick kick the can down the road and everything’ll be groovy. I think that it’s it’s the noticing of this actually isn’t a habit. This is not a pattern that is serving me or my wife or any of my life. And it’s okay. You know, it’s okay. Like it’s not great. It’s not like it’s not something I’m proud of. It’s not a big giant or fuzzy or it’s not a you know habit that’s actually useful for me. And it is okay. It is okay. And now it’s time to do something about it. And so here I am noticing it and ready to do something about it.

Bryce: Yeah. No, that’s great. So it’s like there’s a way of noticing holding yourself accountable, but also understanding, I think, the journey that’s gotten you to that moment. You know, like seeing the whole story. Because I think in the moment we’re just like beating ourselves up because I didn’t know this or I hadn’t figured this out, or I said this terrible thing, or I did this action. I’m hurting these people, I’m making people uncomfortable, but we’re not really giving ourselves

Morgan: hurting these people.

Bryce: any of the credit that have led to that moment that you could actually even notice that you’re doing that. You know, like like for me, it’s like noticing in a moment, say my privilege as a man. Like being able to notice that and say, wow, I missed that. And so when I get that reflection that I’m missing it, I’m I can be really hard on myself. ⁓ my God, you’re right, right. I can’t believe I did I didn’t see that. But it’s actually the fact that I have people around me that can reflect that back to me, as well as I’m willing to see it. And own it. Whereas I think for a long time I just was like, What? I don’t do that, you know? And now I’m in a different place where I’m starting to be able to hold those things that are uncomfortable to hold for sure.

Morgan: Yeah. And like the adversity is really important. Like it’s we have to go towards the hard things. You know, we have to see the addiction. We have to see that how we’re hurting people. We have to see where we’re not showing up for our kids. Like those are really important to take responsibility and accountability for. Yeah. And to be willing and wanting to do something about it. Like that really matters. That really matters. And we can have compassion for ourselves to understand that we didn’t get the whatever. Like for whatever reason. We didn’t get the initiation or the male guidance or the elders or the fathers or whatever, whatever it is. Here I am ready to do it differently, right? Or here I am getting ready to get ready. You know? That feels like meaningful movement.

Bryce: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Well, Morgan, I just wanted to say thank you. I’m imagining we should try to do this again. I think there’s so much more really amazing wisdom points out of your book that I would love to spend more time talking to. But I’m appreciating that we got this time together. I we just wanted to tell all our listeners today that, you know, if you are interested, I’ll send the information about Morgan and his book and also your website for

Morgan: Yeah, really sweet.

Bryce: coaching and that sort of thing as well. But thank you so much for your time today. I really appreciate being with you. It’s been a real pleasure.

Morgan: Yeah, same Bryce. And thank you just again, thank you for your heart and care. And I’m I do, I feel like there’s so many different directions we can go and the commitment to men and just good energy in the world. And I hope you have a great trip as you’re wandering off the going on an adventure and yeah, many blessings.

Bryce: Thank you so much. Thanks. Thank you for listening today. Please take a moment to like and follow so we can continue to change the world by changing ourselves. Have a wonderful day.

The post Ep. 20: Embracing Male Responsibility with Morgan Rich appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> 50495 Emotional Safety in Relationships: What Men Miss https://brassballstenderheart.com/emotional-safety-in-relationships/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/emotional-safety-in-relationships/#respond Tue, 01 Sep 2026 08:00:00 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/emotional-safety-in-relationships/ Struggles in a relationship often get blamed on communication or compatibility. What usually gets missed is emotional safety, and how men can build it by regulating their nervous system and staying present.

The post Emotional Safety in Relationships: What Men Miss appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> Struggles in a primary relationship often get filed under communication, compatibility or trauma. Those things matter. What often gets missed is the importance of creating safety in the relationship. Once safety is established and maintained consistently, a relationship often stops struggling with those other issues. Here is a breakdown of how to build emotional safety in your relationship.

When intimacy fades or conflict grows, many men assume the problem is communication, effort, or compatibility. What is often missing from that picture is something more basic: safety.
Scott Austin Martin

Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be.
Stan Tatkin

What Is Emotional Safety?

A few years ago, an online survey on TikTok asked women whether, alone in the woods, they would rather run into a bear or a man. It was not scientific, so it is hard to know how accurate it was, but a high percentage of women chose the bear. The reason many gave was that the only thing a bear could do is kill them. One woman said that if a bear attacked her and she survived, people would believe her and sympathize with her. If a man attacked her, she said, she would have to defend herself for the rest of her life.

I point this out not because I believe men are more dangerous than bears, but to underline the deep fear many women have of men.

I’m not writing this to shame men for past transgressions or to make a big statement about how unsafe the male population is. This really is an invitation to understand the dynamics of creating safety in relationships.

When I talk about safety in a relationship, I’m talking less about physical safety and more about emotional safety. It is important to note, though, that for many women these are not easy to disentangle.

For me, safety is the ability to remain present in the intensity of your partner’s emotions. Being present doesn’t mean you agree with whatever is causing the intensity. It means you can handle it by staying in the moment. When we are present, we can also respond to what is happening with integrity rather than reacting out of our own defensiveness or shutting down.

Start With Your Nervous System

What does it mean to regulate your nervous system? There is a lot to it, and I can’t cover all of it here. The first part is being able to notice the activation or collapse happening in your body.

  • Activation often feels chaotic: shaky, tingly, tense.
  • Collapse often feels rigid: numb, frozen, paralyzed.

Regulating either response starts with noticing what is happening in your body, actually sensing the shakiness or the numbness. When you notice the sensation, you are telling your body, “Hey, I got the signal.” Once your nervous system knows the message landed, it can start to turn down the chaos, or turn the aliveness back on if you are going rigid.

Without the resilience to stay aware, we react toward our partners. That doesn’t necessarily mean yelling, or saying anything at all. We may just be sitting there in a collapsed state. Your partner won’t only notice the silence. They will notice the small micro expressions and feel your lack of vitality.

When it comes to creating safety, it is imperative to bring attention to what is happening inside of you, not just what is happening outside of you. This can feel counterintuitive, because the threat feels like it is out there. In practice, you are noticing your partner while also paying attention to your body’s reaction. I’m usually toggling back and forth between what is outside of me and what is inside of me.

Noticing the sensations in our bodies helps us move toward a more regulated space. Once we are regulated, we have more capacity to move into presence.

Couple holding hands on a couch, building emotional safety in their relationship

Presence Is the Key

Presence is what allows our partners to feel safe. Presence isn’t agreement or capitulation. It is the capacity to ground our energy so we feel fully engaged in the moment. When we are present, there is a sturdiness in our energy that helps our partner feel safe. They know their emotional expression is not going to push us off course or cause us to lose ourselves.

Presence also lets us stay open and available with our own emotions. That feels very different from defensiveness or shutting down.

From this place we have so much more capacity to deal with whatever is actually happening. Our partner may feel hurt, angry, irritated or even excited. When we are present, we can attune to them and start to understand what is going on.

It is important to note that presence is not the same as being calm. Calm can be a way of performing presence, and usually we are suppressing our emotions in order to act calm. Presence is not an act. It is holding space for another person and engaging with them in their distress.

How This Shows Up in My Life

I teach my clients about nervous system regulation and safety not from reading books, but from living it day to day with my wife and kids. Before I was able to ground into the moment, I was acting calm (all “bullshit Buddha,” as my wife would say), but I wasn’t present. I wasn’t really available to her. I was closed off and seething inside, and that made it really difficult for her to feel safe.

As I have worked on this over the years, I have realized how important my internal work is to keeping safety alive in our marriage. I have to lead our relationship to safety. It isn’t my wife’s job. Her job is to express herself with integrity and compassion. My job is to manage my internal activation with awareness and move back into presence.

Once I do that, we can resolve or repair whatever our relationship needs.

I don’t do this perfectly. I’m learning in real time how to do it poorly and how to do it well.

My intention is to keep prioritizing the safety of our relationship by noticing my sensations and moving back into presence. From there I can attune to my wife, listen to her experience and share mine. Eventually we move back into connection, and our lives feel a sense of harmony.

Build More Safety in Your Relationship

If you want to build more safety in your relationship, I can help. I work with men one on one through men’s counseling in Denver, with couples through couples counseling using the PACT approach, and in a virtual men’s group focused on relationships. The easiest first step is a free 30 minute phone consultation.

Wishing you the day you need to have!

References:

Martin, Scott Austin (2025). SAFE: The Minimum Standard for Intimacy. Being Here Now Publishing.

The post Emotional Safety in Relationships: What Men Miss appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/emotional-safety-in-relationships/feed/ 0 50688 Ep. 18: Emotional Intimacy As The Path To Physical Intimacy with Jeff Nuziard https://brassballstenderheart.com/podcast-ep-18-emotional-intimacy-physical-intimacy-jeff-nuziard/ Sun, 09 Aug 2026 17:43:29 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50498 Jeff Nuziard, a veteran and the founder of RegenMax, went through a divorce and then his own struggle with sexual dysfunction. That experience set him on a long search for answers.

The post Ep. 18: Emotional Intimacy As The Path To Physical Intimacy with Jeff Nuziard appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> The BrassBalls TenderHeart Podcast · Episode 18 · Originally released August 9, 2026 · 43 min

Jeff Nuziard, a veteran and the founder of RegenMax, went through a divorce and then his own struggle with sexual dysfunction. That experience set him on a long search for answers.


Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | All episodes

About this episode

With Bryce, he gets into what most couples never say out loud: how physical struggles in the bedroom turn into emotional distance, how silence lets a partner fill in the blanks with the worst story, and why emotional connection is the real foundation of a satisfying sex life at any age.

“Sex is eighty-five percent mental.”
Jeff Nuziard

Key takeaways

  • Avoiding the conversation about a sexual issue usually does more damage to the relationship than the issue itself.
  • When men go quiet out of shame, partners often write their own story about what it means, and it is rarely a kind one.
  • Leading emotionally, by being present, curious and affectionate, comes before expecting physical closeness.
  • Intimacy can deepen with age when connection matters more than performance.
  • Shame thrives in secrecy. Naming the problem is the first step toward solving it together.

About Jeff Nuziard

Jeff Nuziard is a veteran, researcher and the founder of RegenMax.

regenmax.com

Doing this work yourself?

Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, works with men, dads and couples in Denver. If this episode hit home, start here:

Transcript

Read the full transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain small errors.

Bryce Giron Mathern: Welcome to the Man for Real Podcast. We are here to celebrate men as well as talk about how all men can do better and lead our world to a healthier place. Get ready to get real. Hi everyone, welcome to the podcast and thank you for listening today. Today I’m talking with Jeff Nuziard, a veteran, researcher, and founder of RegenMax Protocol that helps men with erectile dysfunction. Jeff has come onto this podcast to talk about his own journey with ED and the power of connection and intimacy in partnership. Jeff Newsyard, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. I’m grateful. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for being here. So I’d like to just start like how a lot of my guests start with just a sense of your journey and kind of how you came to the place you are right now. And then we can sort of dive in from there. Sure. I’d love to tell my story. You know, i it’s amazing what people do out of desperation and out of survival. And and that’s the case with me. I literally at age forty, my whole life was reinvented in the matter of the next twelve months. I went through a divorce, ⁓ seventeen year marriage, had three amazing children, continued raising, my youngest one on myself by myself. And you know, there’s a lot of distractions going on. So it was it was easy for me to blame my sexual dysfunction at that time on the distractions. You know, it’s the divorce. It’s the stress, it’s whatever. And then as things started mellowing out and and my life was smoothing out, I noticed, you know, hey, it’s not getting any better. And I had a great sex life when we were married and I’m very active sexually in my mind, but my body was like, hey, I’m not I don’t want to cooperate anymore. And it was devastating at forty years old. That’s very devastating because in our culture, even though it’s happening younger than that now, I had patient today come in my office at thirty two and not get an erection at thirty two. I’ve had twenty somethings come in with major sexual dysfunction issues. The discussion I hope we have today is going to be broad, but I will say I understand. There’s so much on the internet now and on TV about take this pill. If you’re suffering from rectile dysfunction, take this pill, take this pill. It’s become very common and people just are looking for the get fixed quick schemes and scams. And and that wasn’t what I was about. I’m I’m a very anti pharmaceutical kind of guy. I don’t like surgeries. I don’t honestly, I don’t like doctors. I don’t like Western medicine, I’ll put it that way. And so I was very much into the I know our bodies are designed to regenerate. And so I I’ve got to figure this out. I sold everything and pretty much just dove into 24-7 research and development. So I gotta figure out how to fix this without pills or surgery. So I did. The first thing I started was looking at hormone optimization and what is that really what is hormone replacement? What is HRT? What’s TRT? What does that mean? Started with that. And the more I started digging into that, realized how much people don’t know about it and how much I didn’t know either, but how much general practitioners of doctors don’t know about it and don’t understand it. They go to a weekend course and they think they have enough knowledge to be able to manage somebody’s hormones and that’s not accurate. And I’m finding now that we’re in practice, I’m finding a lot of patients’ hormones totally screwed up. But that was the start of it. I got my hormones leveled out and optimized pretty well. At twenty-seven, my testosterone level was eleven eighty-five natural, just my level. And at forty was three ⁓ five. So I mean it had dropped really bad. And in my case, it was a hereditary thing. It was purely genetics. But there’s a lot of that’s a whole nother podcast. We can talk about hormone deficiency for hours on that. But for me, it was a mental and emotional roller coaster because I felt like I was forced to turn in my man card now. I’m not even worthy to be a man. I can’t perform. You know, as a man, you gotta rise to the occasion and perform. As a woman, you can hide it. Although women are going through the same problems, they have vaginal dysfunction in a lot of areas, not just being able to get an erection. So it took 15 years, 15 long years of figuring out, first of all, what the cause is. And and blood flow is not the cause of erectile dysfunction. Contrary to what everybody’s talking on the internet and what you see on TV and all these Weekend warrior commercials of have sex this weekend with no problems. Blood flow, blood flow. It’s not blood flow is not the problem. And once I figured that out, I was able to then go to the next step, okay? How do I repair that? And then blood flow does get crippled and handicapped because of the problem is the sponge. And that’s a whole long conversation, but I’m happy to touch on a little bit. But when the sponge goes bad, The veins respond and send less blood in. So eventually the veins do develop atrophy and and send a lot less blood in. What’s the sponge? The sponge in the center of the penis, you have two tubes, one on each side called the corpus cavernosum. And inside there are two sponges, one on each side. And those sponges expand and relax and absorb the blood that’s coming in. And when they get full enough, it triggers a muscle behind the scrotum called the bobospongiosis. And that muscle locks down. And it keeps the blood inside the sponge until orgasm. Then that muscle relaxes, the blood flows back out. So the veins, you’re like, hey, Mr. Sponge, you’re not absorbing all the blood we’re sending in. It’s called the venous leak. Blood goes in and it flows right back out. The first symptom of erectile dysfunction is I can get erect, but I can’t keep it erect. And that’s the problem. Your sponge, you’ve got the blood flow in. You’re so blood flow there, that proves the point. Blood flow is not the cause. And that’s why Cialis and Viagra, they work until they done it. And it’s not that they stop working, it’s the sponge is not absorbing. Every man that tells me I can’t get an erection with cialis, they tell me, well, it does get a little bit firmer, but it doesn’t get an erection. Well, yeah, it gets firmer because blood’s flowing in, but there’s no sponge to absorb it. So it’s flowing right back out. So we have to fix the sponge. And that all starts with new spongy tissue and collagen. We have to fix all that. So I developed a way to fix that. And then our bodies do it’s called angiogenesis. We create, which is basically your body making new blood vessels. And we do that every day. We break blood vessels walking. If you walk your ten thousand steps a day, you’re gonna break some blood vessels. That just that’s what our bodies do. And then your body creates new ones to replace the broken ones. So we can replace the blood vessels in the penis, we can replace the spongy tissue and remodel the collagen and thicken it up. That’s the problem. And that’s what has to be repaired. And no drug is gonna fix it. A drug will mask it, override it, and give you temporary relief, but it will never fix the problem. Actually, you will continue to get worse to where eventually the pills just won’t work. 90% of the patients say we’ve been on Cialis for five years and it’s worked great. Now I don’t. Because the sponge is continuing to degenerate. Wow. Okay. So this took 15 years to develop this procedure and this process. Wow. Okay. It wasn’t that took 15 years. I kind of figured it out in about four or five years, but it was figuring out how the heck do I safely fix this now? That’s the problem. Because I mean, shoot. You can use lasers and things like that and burn the heck out of your penis if you want. I mean, and I won’t admit or deny, I probably did that once or twice, trying to figure this out. But it was figuring out how to safely repair without being invasive, no surgery, no pills, and how to safely regenerate. You know, our bodies are designed to be totally regenerative. That’s what I use a simple example all the time. You cut your hand and you put a bandage on it. Well, it’s not that your hand glues back together. It’s that your body creates new epithelial cells and it mends the cut. And it grows the skin back together. So it’s regenerating the cut skin and new skin fills in. It’s the same thing. When you lift weights, you tear your muscles, your body regenerates new muscle tissue to fill in those tears. It doesn’t glue the tears back together. So I’m like, if I can create enough damage, if you will, intentional damage inside the tissue, then I can then the body will respond and create new sponge tissue. And if I can remodel the collagen by getting it hot enough, your body will remodel the college. It always does. I mean, that’s just kind of how it works. So you’re able to do those kind of things and and it’s a series of treatments. This is a regenerative process. This isn’t a get fixed overnight thing. It’s not going to happen quickly because we’re regenerating the tissue. I say quickly, but I mean what’s quick. You know, people in today’s society, they want results yesterday. On average we’re seeing three to five treatments. We’re seeing guys going, hey man, things are changing really well. By the sixth to the eighth treatment, they’re like, wow. I’m waking up with erections again. I can have sex with my wife again. This is great. So it’s a year-long process, but again, I liken it to the gym. When you go to the gym and you see your body begin to change, that’s not the time to quit. That’s the time to dig in and keep going and finish the race. So by doing this over a year, what my research at the end of the 15 years when I kinda when I figured it and said, okay, this is what I gotta do. Then I went into a clinical study and I got 250 volunteers to come in and be treated. And no cost and to let’s just try this. And out of the 250, we had 97% get success. 97%. How do you measure success? Is it like well, the great question? We measure success by penetrable erection, sustaining it until orgasm. Okay. So basically until you want to have your orgasm. And that’s another thing it says is also repairs damaged nerve tissue. A lot of guys complain of early ejaculation, premature ejaculation. This repairs those the damaged nerves. Or guys complain of, you know, I can get a wreck, but I can’t have an orgasm anymore. Damaged nerves. So we’re able to fix all that through the same process. It’s the exact same process. So yeah, I go back to the gym. It’s like sending your penis to the gym for a year. And next thing you know, you’re good. And I got guys in their eighties that are doing absolutely great with no issues whatsoever and are doing great. You know, and I got one guy, eighty-four years old, having sex with his wife four days a week. Didn’t have sex for 20 years because he couldn’t. So it works great. You know, a cool thing about the study is it was 250 patients, 97%. Since then, you know, we’re on the retail side. Now we have an actual clinic that’s doing it. And we also licensed this patent to other practitioners around the country, other physicians, what have you. Over thirty two hundred patients have gone through the program now. Over thirty two hundred. And our success rate has dropped point two percent. Went from ninety seven point two to ninety seven with over thirty two hundred patients. So I’m I’m very happy with the success rate of that. But biggest thing it did for me, I felt like a man again. Yeah. It totally got my emotion confidence back. It was like, you know, I can chew on bullets. I’m good. I’m good. Yeah, I’d like to talk a little bit about that. So you’ve been it’s kind of this challenge, you know, you suddenly this you’re faced with this deficiency or this like problem in your body. And then you went on this search to figure it out, which is quite inspiring. But just curious about like yeah, the emotional challenges of it. Cause you you kind of came out of this divorce. Was this a part of that divorce? Did it have something to do with the divorce? You know, depends on who you ask. Okay. She says no, but I’ll just say that she got pregnant by somebody else. Wow. Okay. I was not able to take care of my wife. You know? And she kept saying, It’s not your fault, it’s not you. This is on me. But I also know what I know. I could take care of her in other ways, but it wasn’t right. You know what I’m saying? So yeah, I was a lot of guilt, a lot of shame, incredible amount of embarrassment. Didn’t want to talk about it to anybody. That’s part of what drove me so hard to fix this and to say there’s gotta be a way. I’m not living my life like this. I’m 40 years old. I mean, that’s young. I’m 60 now and I love being 60. I’m extreme I’m way more healthier at 60 than I was at 40, but my body is completely different and changed. I weigh the exact same weight that I weighed my senior year in high school. And I’m in great shape. Blood sugar is great, cholesterol is great, I check my blood all the time. I have no sexual dysfunction of any kind. Everything’s great. It was changed lifestyle changes for sure. You know, I mean, I brought a lot of that on myself. Most of it I did on myself. And so I take responsibility complete for the divorce, 100%. You know, I I wasn’t being who I was supposed to be in the bedroom, and then not being there mentally or emotionally because I was completely checked out and worried about my penis working and not worried about my marriage working. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So that’s that’s a I find that really interesting. I had to kind of double click on that. Like, so you know, this whole thing is happening. Obviously, it gets in your head. Obviously, you’re thinking about obviously it’s there’s a lot of shame and stuff. I mean, I wonder about like, you know, just your ability to talk to your wife about it and find new ways to sort of support each other. I mean, you’re sort of saying that. Yeah, you could support her in other ways, but was she kind of in a place of like, that’s not enough or Again, she says no, but yes. She w I hundred I she had checked out. I mean she she was looking for that physical she needed it. She was at a time in her life when she was she was on fire, man. What do you call it? Hotter than a June bribe. You know? I mean, it was like she needed it. And what and and and I was checking out because I was embarrassed. And I I didn’t know how to have the conversation, first of all. That’s kind of the the biggest problem. Is I I didn’t it was so embarrassing and humiliating that I I felt so unmasculine. And you’re talking to a guy, you know I served in the military. I was in Desert Storm. I did my time. I mean, I’m a very manly man. I was a competitive athlete in college and and after college. I I competed in a semi pro level and was a very competitive athlete and very physical. And now I’m questioning do I need to put a skirt on and change my tamp on or not? I mean, I didn’t know what I that’s probably the wrong thing to say with all the gender identity stuff going on today. But I was totally confused. Well, who am I? What is going on in my body? I am worthless. And the way I was right culturally You know, you gotta take care of home and and I couldn’t. And so and I just didn’t know how to have the conversation. I did not know how to have that conversation. Looking back and dealing with all the patients I deal with today, yeah, I would have done it totally different. And I that’s how we we teach at the clinic, you know, you you gotta have the conversation. Can you say more about the conversation? ‘Cause this is a part that I think is really interesting because it’s it’s not even obviously there is physical stuff that men go through, but I think the problem This is just as I’m thinking about right now, is the lack of the conversation, is the lack of transparency, is the lack of like learning how to understand each other, both men and the woman coming together and saying, Hey, this is a problem. How are we gonna s how are we gonna work together to make this work for us? You know, I’ve never heard it said more perfectly than you just said it. It is such a problem. And the problem is communication. The problem is not your penis don’t work. Or Her vagina’s dry or it hurts when she has sex. Those are physical things that every one of those things now I know can be fixed. And physiologically they can be fixed and should be fixed. And you need to take those measures, whatever that costs, or need to do to fix those things. But here’s the problem. When you don’t have the conversation, the other party assumes and makes stories up in their head that are not true. They’re the furthest thing from the truth, but in their mentality, that’s reality. It’s their perspective, their perception. And although it seems real to them, that’s not the it’s not reality. In her mind, I was checked out. She thought I was out having an affair. She thought I was out cheating. She thought I was out doing another thing. Wow. When okay. There was a first thing from the shrewd. Okay. But in my I was embarrassed and I could not say, Listen, it’s not you. But that’s the first place women go. It’s me. I’m not sexy enough. I don’t turn him on anymore. I’ve maybe I’ve gained some weight, or maybe I’m not I don’t dress hot enough. I don’t put makeup on during the day anymore. I and you know, there’s a lot of problems there. A lot of women need to take responsibility for themselves too. And when you were dating that guy and you got married to that guy, you looked dressed to the nines all the time and you looked hot and you turned him on and he wanted to be around you. There’s a reason for that. And you shouldn’t abandon those reasons. But you gotta be able to have those conversations. And just because she’s now a stay-at-home mom or because she stays at home or whatever she does and She’s not taking care of herself. That’s her pro that’s a problem you need to discuss with her and have that conversation. Yeah. And when you have problems with yourself performing, you need to be able to have that conversation. I want you to understand this lack of a performance has nothing to do with you. I don’t know what’s going on in my body. My mind is doing one thing and my body’s doing another. And I don’t know what to do and I need help. I need to go find out the answer here. And I didn’t do that. And nor did I have any place to really go to do that. Well, I’m curious because I think what you’re talking about is a such a fundamental struggle for a lot of men. And not just around, you know, sexual dysfunction or any sort, but just generally, men struggle with shame. Shame is like so hard for men to deal with. So what they do is they avoid it. They shut down, they don’t talk about it. And so then all these things, like you said, get really convoluted. You know, nobody’s talking about it. So then people fill in the blanks, and as a result, those blanks get filled in incorrectly. There’s all this misunderstanding and then And they can lead to something like divorce when really, you know, and I mean I’m sure there was more than just having a conversation, but that conversation could have saved, potentially saved your marriage, I would imagine. 100%. If I wouldn’t have been living in fear, ego, and shame and could have had the conversation of what I just said, there’s something going on physically and I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t even who to talk to. I don’t even know where to go. Yeah. Help me walk through. I want you to it’s not you. You know what? Yes, it didn’t happen overnight. It took a year, two years, whatever. And she really believed I was outscrewing the world and which is why I wasn’t interested in touching her. Yeah. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested. I couldn’t. I didn’t, you know, and I my ego was like, Well, yeah, okay, you’re gonna have oral sex with her and then she’s gonna want more and you’re not gonna be able to do anything. So why do why get started? You know, you start then you I start making up stories in my mind of what’s how it’s gonna play out. And it that doesn’t mean it’s gonna play out that way, but in my mind it damn sure was gonna play out that way. And it didn’t, you know, without a conversation, we don’t have the facts. And you gotta deal with reality, not perception. Perception isn’t always accurate. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think that’s so important. I guess it’s it’s interesting as we’re talking about this, you know, like one of the things that I get curious about for you. Well actually I’ll just I’ll share a little bit about myself. Like I think one of the things that I’ve learned after twelve years of being my wife is is just how important it is to focus more on our emotional connection than it is to focus on my performance. Like I think, I think as a as a man, I don’t know if I was taught this, but somewhere down the line, I don’t remember being taught this, but done somewhere down line I believed, you know, that if she didn’t have an orgasm, and I’m not talking about my wife, I’m just talking about women in general, there was something wrong with me. I didn’t I I failed. I failed. And I think there’s still some of that in there. But what I what I find that’s so So much more satisfying about my relationship with my wife is just we just feel this really depth we have a really deep connection. And the sex kind of flows out of the connection rather than the sex making the connection. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Yeah. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Our culture is the complete opposite. This hookup culture, one night stand culture, our culture teaches us that performance is everything. And what you’re saying is right. The great performance comes out of the great emotional connection. And when you can be that’s why it’s called intimacy. When you can and intimacy is not sex. When you can have intimate conversation and get on an emotional, intimate level, the sex will happen out of that instead of let me go hook up and then we can we’ll get emotional through that. No, it it’s that’s backwards and it’s not sustainable. So there is a lot of undue pressure put on men to perform instead of engage. I have so many men patients who, well, how are things going? Well, I’m waking up with erections. What how’s the sex? I don’t know where I’m afraid to engage. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What do mean? I mean, it’s working now. But how do I know? Well, you’re waking up with an erection. You weren’t. Now you are. Physiologically, we’ve repaired the damage. Now you have to engage. And they’re scared to death because they don’t have the emotional connection. Well, say say a little bit more about. So a guy comes in, he Goes through protocol for a year, gets it all fixed. He knows it’s fixed. But he hasn’t been having intercourse with his partner for who knows how long. Mm-hmm. And so now he’s he’s still afraid that he’s gonna try to do it and he’s not gonna have it happen. And so he just but I’m c I’m I g what I’m curious about is like this guy, why isn’t he like his wife knows he’s gone through the protocol, I’m assuming. Some of ⁓ do, some of them don’t. Okay. Okay. That’s probably true. But it’s just I’m getting curious, like, what is this guy? He’s wanting to get better so he can do this. And then he’s still it’s almost like he has this boundary or this like this thing that he has to get over emotionally of like. So you said he doesn’t have the emotional connection. I’m curious if if you could say more about that. What do you mean he doesn’t have the emotional connection? He’s got an emotional block, so he’s disconnected himself from his wife. Yeah. You know, I got guys tell ⁓ I can masturbate, no problem. Well, hello. Then we fixed you. We did our job. I need you now if you’re if you can engage with your wife, I need you to we need to talk to a therapist together. Yeah, I need to put you in contact with therapists because you’ve got an emotional wall that’s keeping you from being connected to your wife. And whether it’s fear of failure or fear that you’re she’s gonna say something and make you feel bad about yourself. I mean there’s so many women, because you don’t have the conversation who don’t understand this, that they say things that hurt you hurt a man’s heart to to the bone and don’t they don’t mean to, but it does. And so there’s things like that that happen that get in the way. Of you being able to engage again mentally and emotionally to where the physical part happens. Yeah. I think this is the narrative I’ve created. So see if this, since you’re really in this world, see if it fits your narrative to some degree. I have a sense that there’s a massive gap between men and women in the sexual realm. And the gap is women want to connect emotionally, and their bodies are a part of that. You know, there’s physicality, but their their focus is on this emotional connection. Like what I think my wife gets most excited about or most satisfied is is that she feels incredibly close to me, to my heart, not to my body. You know. I mean, that’s that’s part of it. It’s it’s it’s hard to separate it all out, but that’s really what they want. And men are so focused on the outcome of the experience. And the gap is like so huge because I there’s lots of there’s times where, you know, we just Kind of mess around. We don’t even have intercourse and it’s amazing. It’s amazing. And it’s not because of the physicality, it’s because of I just feel so loved and she feels so loved and we feel so connected and it just feels amazing. You know, our bodies are excited and there’s all that part of it. But it’s it’s that that’s what really is it’s about what it’s about for her. And it’s become more and more about it for me. And I just think like men are so distorted in their belief that if I don’t perform She’s gonna leave me, she’s gonna abandon me, she’s gonna be disappointed, she’s gonna think I’m a loser. And if you f if they focused on the heart component, most of these women would come away being like, That was amazing. And they’d be like, Well, you didn’t have an orgasm. And they’d be like, Well, yeah, that’s fine. I don’t, you know. I mean, I’m sure there are women out there that are a little bit more focused on the outcome and the they want to get their orgasm and stuff like that. I get that. But it’s all in balance because yeah, the next time they probably would have that. Yeah. You know, I mean, it doesn’t have to be every time. Right. Yeah. Well anyway, I just think in this gap is like a lot of miscommunication, a lot of sadness, a lot of a lot of lost opportunities for people to have really enjoyable experiences with each other because one person is shut down because he can’t perform. The other person is like, what the hell’s going on? Why aren’t you interested in me? And sort of kind of like as you’re describing in your marriage, this big disconnect. It’s just so so so sad. Yeah, it is. It is. And here’s what people understand too. The physical degeneration of the penile tissue, it’s like any other muscle in your body. If you don’t have you ever had a broken arm or anything broken in a cast, and they take that cast off, your arm’s like half the size of what it was because it’s not being used, right? So all those that muscle in your arm become atrophic. And and it’s the same thing. So when you get into this emotional disconnect with your spouse or your partner, whatever, and you’re not engaging, that muscle’s not working. And it’s developing atrophy. The veins are developing atrophy. In our 20s, we averaged 20 erections in a 24 hour period. Most of those are when you’re asleep in your most relaxed state. But at the same time, that’s a lot of expansion and contraction back and forth, back and forth. So that’s a lot of exercising. Well, when you are disconnected emotionally from your spouse and you’re not engaging in the the physical side, atrophies div is setting in. And degeneration is happening because you’re not exercising anymore. So it’s a catch twenty two. You know, and in my case, it was the other way. It was physically I wasn’t working and it caused me emotionally to withdraw and back up. I find that to be the polar opposite in a lot of my patients today. They emotionally back out because of careers, whatever, and physical degeneration starts taking place. I see. Yeah. So is it is that what happens then to the sponges? Is that over time the sponges start to decay or not decay, but they atrophy because of lack of use? ⁓ wow, that’s that’s fascinating. So is that is that really what you would say is not the only cause, obviously, but one of the primary causes of ED is this? Yeah, that’s that’s what’s called age related ED, but there’s also mental, there’s a psychological form of ED, which we’ve already touched on some of it. which is really an emotional ED, but mentally you’re in fear and you’re afraid you can’t perform, so you won’t. I mean, once you go there in your head, you’re done. You’re not gonna perform. But the other side of it is which is happening in our society more than ever in the history of our country, literally, is porn addiction. Yeah. You know, we walk around with endless volumes of pornography in our pocket on our phones. All the time. Anybody can pull a phone out today and find any video of any disgusting, far reaching, and I shouldn’t even say disgusting, I mean but whatever you want to find vid sexually, you can find a video on. And in a matter of seconds, with no proof of age, no nothing. And so with that ready available library of pornography, we have destimulated our brains. And so it’s just like You know, the heroin addict didn’t start on a heroin. You know, it’s probably started off with weed or probably started off with something small. And then it wasn’t enough. And so then they added more. And then it wasn’t enough. So you had more. It’s the same thing. You know, when you start down the pornography road, it’s not reality. It’s a complete fantasyland. And so it takes more oxytocin to come from your brain to stimulate and get you turned on. So because you’re burning it all out. So now you have to watch. kinkier porn and more of it and to get there. Mm-hmm. And and before long, if if you don’t watch it at all, you there’s no way. And then that doesn’t do anything because it just destimulates you. Yeah. The good news about that addiction is or that E D, it’s the cheapest, easiest form to fix. And that is a a fast of porn. No no porn for ninety days. Your brain will reset. Your brain will reset and you will produce the right amount of oxytocin and you’ll go back to getting stimulated with very little. Okay. And so do you get guys coming in with and you know after they tell you how much porn they’ve been doing for last like fifteen, twenty years, you’re like most of the younger guys are in that problem. The older guys the older guys they have you know, ⁓ most the older guys are guys that just hadn’t been active, got a divorce five years ago and now all of a sudden they got a girlfriend or something and things are different or Yeah. They just haven’t been using it. Got it. Well, so I’d like to get back. I’m curious You know, having gone through this journey of like discovering this protocol and helping thousands of men now, I’m curious for you, like what’s it like for you in terms of your, I guess I want to say like way of prioritizing your sexual experience now versus like maybe it was when you were forty? ⁓ totally different. Yeah. What a what a great question. Man. I wish everybody asked me that question because completely different. Not only did I go through a transformation mentally of fixing the figuring out this problem physically. I went through figuring out this problem mentally and emotionally and talking about the things we’ve talked about so far, about the connection, about the emotional connection, things like all that was never a big deal to me. You know, you have sex because I mean that’s just what you do. And you kind of go by the cultural way of, you know, everybody’s doing it. Go have sex. Make love not war or all the cliches, whatever you want to say. And that became The thing, the goal, the the way you do it is you gotta perform, you gotta perform. All that changed in my mind and I now I understand sex is eighty-five percent mental. And you cannot I have way better sex at sixty than I did at twenty, at thirty, at for sure at forty, ’cause I couldn’t even do it at forty. But now my wife and I are completely different. As you said, w maybe we maybe we’re not having intercourse today, but we’re sure spending a lot of time Holding hands, touching, loving, heart to heart conversations. Maybe it’s just a walk in a dang park. But it’s such a satisfaction that we do go to bed and it’s like, ⁓ things just happen because it’s a connection of that’s what I we want because of the connection we’ve done. I never understood that at 40. I I had no concept of that at 40 at all. So the physical side, yes, is important and it’s it’s inevitable. It’s not about If it’s when it’s going to happen to every man. It’s not the end of the world and it is fixable. But first and foremost, it will delay happening if you’re emotionally and mentally healthy with your relationship. It will delay that hell that physical part from going from degenerating. Yeah. So it sounds like here’s what I hear you saying is that, you know, if you reprioritize the emotional connection with your partner. as being more of the focus. And that includes touching, holding hands, talking, working through stuff, dealing with your relational issues, all that kind of stuff. Yes. The sexual, physical intimacy will sort of come out of that in a more natural, satisfying way. That will lead you to have more sex, most likely, which will keep your sponges, I don’t know if that’s the right word healthy. ⁓ that’s exactly right. Okay. Keep your sponges intact and working so they won’t atrophy, which means that you’ll have More sexual function for longer periods of time and you’ll just have a way better sex the whole time. Way better. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and there’s there is another physical aspect of it. We do stop producing testosterone physically in about our 20s, anywhere, somewhere in our 20s, about two percent a year. So once your testosterone has dropped down to a certain level, that’s when the collagen starts degenerating. Testosterone is like the oil of an engine. Can I my motor, can I go start my truck and drive On three quarters of a tank of oil. Yeah, I could. And I could be just fine. But if I drive it for very long, that oil is gonna get really thin because it’s not enough to keep it cool and break down and become a problem. I darn sure you’re gonna struggle at a half tank oil. And if I have no oil, I’m not going very far at all. So it doesn’t the oil doesn’t have to be completely full, but it it’s healthier if it does. So as your testosterone comes down, that’s the oil of your body’s engine. And you have to keep that level right and optimal. And in doing so, that’s what you do physically to keep it intact. And then what you just said about the emotional side is exactly true. It will keep you healthier and keep those, you know, it’s funny to me, something as simple as this. This is the difference in sex in our society today. As men, we think, I want to have sex. I need to get hard. And so, okay, it’s starting to move just because I said I want to have sex. So I’m going to go ahead and engage with my wife. What if We flip that script and we just go engage with our wife and get lost in the moment of how much I love her. I promise you, your brain will send the chemicals and stimulation will take place. Yeah. But we think we have to be ready and be assured we’re gonna be erect and it’s gonna be ready to go. When she when she’s ready, I’m ready. Yeah. You gotta jump that cliff, jump off that cliff and embrace and Be in the moment, embrace the moment, embrace the smells, the sounds, the touch, the sensations, the everything. Embrace be in the moment. Stimulation will take place in the brain, which will then take place in the body. But we have it backwards. We think, I think I want to go have sex with my wife. So I better get hard first and then I’ll go find her. Yeah, no, I think I think that that’s really the challenge for men is like trusting their bodies, but also just reprioritizing. Like my focus, I think in many ways My focus today is really on my connection with my wife. And that means not so much, you know, from like nine o’clock to ten o’clock at night. It means every day, all day. You know it’s like it’s like I send your text, I miss you, I love you, I’m thinking about you, I come home, I give her a hug, I’m wrapping my arms around her, I’m telling you she looks beautiful, I’m creating that connection. And not because I want to get laid that night. I do it because it feels great. It feels great to her, feels great to me. But then what comes out of that is we’re both by the the time we get to bed, we’re both like super excited to be close to each other. And sometimes it gets you know, we move towards, you know, physical intimacy or or intercourse. Sometimes we don’t. But it’s just like we’re in this state of depth of connection and enjoyment and pleasure. And that is where that’s why I’m a happily married man. Yeah, well exactly. Yeah. Enough said. Yeah. I mean, that’s that’s exactly right. I think the thing about it is I sometimes feel like men don’t evolve out of their like seventeen year old mindset. It’s like they never get they never get to like this this greater place. And I wonder sometimes if erectile dysfunction is almost like a signal to of like, dude, you gotta grow up. Like you can’t keep having sex this way. Like you need to get more into your heart. You need to like, you know, it’s gonna be better. But I feel like the 17-year-old mindset is just like, I’m, you know, I’m super excited. I’m gonna grab my wife. I’m gonna have sex. And there’s no prep. There’s no like, you know, and then there’s the whole thing of like, you know, women need like a long time to get to that space because just biologically. And men, you know, we need like, you know, 45 seconds. And so it’s like understanding those things. And that the once again, there’s a gap there just biologically as well as emotionally. And men just don’t ever really get that until maybe there’s some kind of really catastrophe in their physiological capacity. And then they have to evolve and change. But they’re gonna have to eventually anyway, because you as you said, you know, this stuff isn’t gonna last forever. But what I think is interesting, I read this book, I’m switching topics here a little bit, but I s read this book this a couple of years ago, and it said that people in their sixties, seventies, and eighties actually have the most satisfying sex. A factual statement. I hear it from my patients all the time. Sex is better now at 80 than it was at 60, better at 60 than it was at 40, and so on and so on. And I hear it all. the time. And I will tell you, in my case, at 60 years old right now, I’m having the best sex of my life. Yeah. And it’s amazing. Why are you having the best sex of your life? Because I’m connected to something. It it’s got meaning. It’s not just it’s not just a physical thing. It’s not, you know, just an orgasm. You know, when you’re young, teenager to 20, you know, or through our 20s, you know, the old adage, you know, the when the wind Blows your hard and ready to go. I and it’s true. You have your hormones are raging, things are racing, your body’s going through a lot of changes. And so it doesn’t take but a split second for you to be ready, armed, and dangerous to go have sex. But that’s because your body’s going through changes. When as you have miles with your spouse, it’s not that you’re bored, it’s that you quit the effort because now it takes effort where it didn’t at twenty-one when you met her. Or twenty two when you met her, it didn’t take any effort, you know, boom, boom, boom, we’re ready to go. So now it’s like you said, it’s an ongoing all day thing. And people say, Well, I’m too tired for that. I got my job, I got ⁓ work, I got the well, do you wanna be married or you wanna be right? You know, I mean it’s comes down to you gotta invest in relationship. And the best sex is out of the emotional heart to heart connection, not a physical thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I sometimes wonder though, like, you know Men often connect through their physicality. Women connect through their emotional world. And that’s almost sometimes I wonder if it’s a cultural thing, you know, like a nurture thing versus a nature thing. But it it does seem like there’s something about that that feels so continuous. But I don’t know. I mean this is a bigger question because it’s like how do we get men into their hearts just in general so they can enjoy their lives better. You wanna know why I love what you just said so much is because that’s exactly right. Men Get a physical connection and women get emotional connection. I understand that. So how do we get there? How do I get the wife to pay attention to the physical so I could be pay attention to the emotional? Well, how about you be the leader? How about you take the lead and you be the first to take care of the emotion on her end? She will respond and take care of the physical on your end. But if you expect her to take care of the physical, she’s thinking about kids, she’s thinking about the house, she’s thinking about 15 other things. Sex is not the first thing on her mind. It might be on yours. So take the lead and take care of her emotion. She will respond, and which then you will respond physically. I love that, Jeff. I think that’s the if people take away one point, that’s the point that we should take away from this. I wonder if you could say more about that though. Like when you say take care of the emotional. I think we’ve been talking about it, but I just want to curious, what do you do to take care of the emotional for your partner these days? It’s the little things for me, for us. I have an absolutely amazing wife for me. She is literally the perfect yin to the yang, the perfect connection. It’s it’s a great situation. So for her, it’s the little things opening doors. It’s she don’t pick up one thing. She doesn’t need for anything. And I’m not talking about materialistically, I’m talking about emotionally and mentally. I will do for her before I think about me, and her she will respond physically to me. And so I know that. And so. Even what here’s a great example of that. Like you said, the text, the I love you is the coming home and hugging when you walk in the door and just having TV off and just how was your day? Tell me what you did. I’m interested. Not I want you to tell me yours so I can tell you mine. Not I’m telling I want to spend time with you so you’ll spend time with me. Be genuinely interested. And then what happens is then I come home and I’m very happy to I am very genuinely happy to see her all the time. I’ll sit down and I just want to just sit there and I don’t even want to talk now. I’m talked out. I want to kind of just let my brain relax. And she’ll come up and sit next to me, just very softly, just lean against me and rub my leg. And next thing you know, physical’s happening, but that wasn’t the plan. That wasn’t the thought. She was responding because I had filled her emotional need. She was safe. She felt protected. She felt safe and she felt there was security in the relationship. So she can Be free to respond however she felt to respond. Wasn’t that I was asking or demanding. Matter of fact, that was the first thing for my mind at that moment. Didn’t take me long to change tracks, because it doesn’t take long for men to change tracks. But if you want them to respond to you physically, you need to be the one to be the leader and step out first and respond to them emotionally. Yes. And that isn’t a that isn’t a Hallmark card. That isn’t a a saying. It’s an action. It’s a doing. It’s a living your life appropriately. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, I love that. I love I often say that to the people I work with. It’s like you have to lead your wife into connection. That’s your job. And it’s not her job. And if you’re n if there’s a disconnection in the relationship, then you are not doing your taking responsibility. You have to take responsibility. Well, Jeff, I think that’s actually I feel like we’ve really nailed it. I feel like this is a pretty good place to to end. I wanted to just circle back though and just maybe give a sense to the listeners of like You know, where they can find more information, obviously website. But I just wonder, is the protocol something you can get anywhere? Do you have to go somewhere? You have to go to a doctor’s office that has a license to do the patent. Okay. Okay. And they could be all over the country. Yeah, we have right now we have 20 licenses and we’re constantly looking for more doctors. So if there’s a physician or nurse practitioner that’s in practice for him or herself that wants to do this patented protocol, we have a licensing division of that. That just deals with licensing and training and we get you trained up on the marketing aspect of every every part of it. But yeah, to get the regenmax protocol done, it must be a licensed provider to do that. Wow. Okay. It sounds like you’ve I mean it it sounds like pretty good odds. This is like a physical issue. Yeah, th th there’s always going to be a physical part and we can ninety-seven percent fix that physical part. I can’t always fix the emotional mental part. Yeah. But I have some great therapists that we refer you to. That do a great job. Okay. Well, Jeff, I really want to thank you for your time. It was really wonderful to talk to you. I appreciate it. I’m really excited about you know what you’re doing and and I’m I’m really impressed. Like you found a problem, you’ve figured it out. It took you a long time to do it, but you just had dogged determination to make a difference. And now you’re making a difference in so many people’s lives. So I want to thank you for that. It’s been very rewarding and I appreciate you bringing me on. Any chance I get to talk about it. I know that somebody’s listening to this right now going, Wow, I I needed that. And whether you come see us in Texas or you see it somebody wherever you’re at, the point is it’s not the end of the world. Yeah. We can fix the physical part. You need to take the lead and fix the emotional part. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much, Jeff. Thank you so much for your time. I’m grateful. Thank you for listening today. Please take a moment to like and follow so we can continue to change the world by changing ourselves. Have a wonderful day.

The post Ep. 18: Emotional Intimacy As The Path To Physical Intimacy with Jeff Nuziard appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> 50498 Ep. 11: Using Relationship To Become Our Best Self with Jeff Borkowsky https://brassballstenderheart.com/podcast-ep-11-using-relationship-best-self-jeff-borkowsky/ Thu, 26 Mar 2026 10:37:56 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50505 Jeff Borkowsky, a men's coach and author, grew up with a father who tried to toughen him up. The shame that came with it made him defensive and avoidant in his marriage, which ended in divorce.

The post Ep. 11: Using Relationship To Become Our Best Self with Jeff Borkowsky appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> The BrassBalls TenderHeart Podcast · Episode 11 · Originally released March 26, 2026 · 54 min

Jeff Borkowsky, a men’s coach and author, grew up with a father who tried to toughen him up. The shame that came with it made him defensive and avoidant in his marriage, which ended in divorce.


Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | All episodes

About this episode

He talks with Bryce about what he learned in the reflective years that followed, why the purpose of marriage is growth rather than happiness, and why men need a community of other men while they do this work.

“Whatever she’s doing to you is to help you become a better person.”
Bryce

Key takeaways

  • Unprocessed childhood shame becomes the filter men hear a partner’s complaints through, and it triggers defensiveness instead of curiosity.
  • A simple daily reflection practice builds awareness and breaks autopilot patterns.
  • Marriage is designed to grow you. Friction is part of the point.
  • Your worth has to come from self-respect for your own growth. Your partner’s praise is a bonus, not fuel.
  • Men need other men to witness and support their growth.

About Jeff Borkowsky

Jeff Borkowsky is a men’s coach and author who works with men through marriage crisis and divorce.

wifemagnet.me

Doing this work yourself?

Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, works with men, dads and couples in Denver. If this episode hit home, start here:

Transcript

Read the full transcript

This transcript was generated automatically and may contain small errors.

Bryce Giron Mathern: Welcome to the Man For Real podcast. We are here to celebrate men, as well as talk about how all men can do better and lead our world to a healthier place. Get ready to get real. Hey everyone. Thanks for listening today. My guest today is Jeff Borkowski, the author of Better Man, Better Marriage. He’s going to talk about how he used his divorce as a way to help himself grow and improve as a man. Jeff Borkowski, welcome to the podcast. Bryce, great to be here, man. Yeah. It’s really good to have you here. I really appreciate you. You’re the first person I’ve reached out to an author that I really appreciated. And you are so, so kind to get back to me so quickly and make the effort. So thanks for being here. Absolutely. So I’d like to just start getting a sense of, know, kind of your journey as a man. You know, you’re kind of come to this place of being a, you know, a men’s coach and you’ve written books about relationships and marriage and that sort of thing. And I just like to get a sense of like, you know, what happened in your life that kind of led you to this place. Man, it wasn’t always this way, Bryce. You know, I grew up riddled with kind of debilitating insecurity. am the oldest of five born to a nurse and a Navy officer and Navy pilot and first born son. I think he wanted to shape. in his own image. My dad held physical fitness records in the Navy for years at a time. His firstborn son just wasn’t that alpha aggressive guy and he just did it all wrong. His attempts to toughen me up, to condense a lot of years of my childhood, his attempts to toughen me up actually had the opposite impact. They crushed me, crushed my spirit. So I just grew up with this Am I enough or actually way beyond that actually, it wasn’t a question. It was a certainty that I suck. Like I’ll never measure up. I’ll never be strong. I’ll never be a real man. And sadly, you know, I brought that into my adulthood and I brought that into my marriage and let’s see, guide me a little bit. I don’t know how much to share, not to share. Yeah. Whatever feels comfortable. think, you know, you’re speaking to, I think what a lot of men feel, which is that sense of shame. That sort of core sense of shame. And then they come into their relationships. And so I’m curious for you, as you’ve been on this journey, like how that shame showed up or impacted your relationship in your marriage. Yeah, definitely in a big way. And I see this a lot in my community and with the guys I work with, right? When my wife came with a criticism, not even a criticism, maybe a complaint, fairly innocuous complaint. What I heard was bad husband, bad, bad, right? Because that was the unconscious programming from my childhood. It’s like, suck. You’ll never be good enough. You’ll never be strong enough. know, most interactions with my dad in my formative years ended with me like crying and feeling defeated and feeling like just, I suck. So I definitely brought that into my marriage, which, which is terrible if you think about it for a marriage, right? It means that we were never able to move toward greater connection and greater intimacy because as you know, you know, every complaint, every hard conversation in a marriage is also an invitation like, Hey, let’s ratchet up the level of our connection and intimacy here. So, you know, my marriage stayed shallow for a lot of years because I was reactive guy. was defensive guy and I was also avoidant. I think they all kind of go together, right? Like I’m gonna react. I’m gonna tell you why you’re crazy. I’m gonna tell you why you’re wrong. And then passive aggressively because you hurt me, you threatened my very fragile sense of self because you threaten that now I’m gonna hurt you back, you know? And I was sadly the king of, yeah, I’m just gonna disappear if not physically. didn’t honestly, I didn’t have the courage probably to be that guy. I would disappear emotionally. You know, for days at a time, just withdraw, withhold, ignore my wife. Just, yeah, didn’t make for a good marriage, Bryce. And it only took her probably a handful of years, even though she left at the 14 or 15 year mark. I know that very early on it was, you know, looking back, my wife, and I think a lot of women do this, right? They start to create a life apart from the relationship and apart from the marriage and. For my wife, meant starting businesses. We lived in California at the time, buying properties, turning them into rentals. I don’t even know if it was conscious, but there was definitely looking back, I can see that. Yeah. At some point she realized this guy is just a dud. Like we are never going to have the marriage I wanted. And so I’m going to start creating something I am excited about because this marriage certainly isn’t in that column. Okay. So this all happened. And then you started to change or you started to have new ideas about how relationships can work. So I’m curious, like what happened to you? mean, obviously a divorce is a big wake up call. Yeah. But I wonder like, so from that point, then where did you go from there to sort of come to this place you are today? Down, Bryce. went down. crashed hard. She moved out and it was under the She wasn’t trying to deceive me, but I think to soften the blow, was her saying, Hey, I’m having a bit of a midlife crisis. I just got to figure out, you know, so it was the coaching I received at the time was like, her space and it’s okay. And as long as you guys put a plan in place, you know, for there to be reconciliation, you guys working on your relationship. within a few days, she made it clear she wanted no part of that. And then less than a week after she moved out, I got served divorce papers. So it was like, Whoa. So I crashed and burned. think I cried every day for six or seven months. Again, never in the presence of my kids, but I stepped away from my job at the time. I ended up taking 18 months off and just living on savings. Initially, I didn’t know it was going to be 18 months, but I got up from that bottom and I write about this. I don’t give a lot of detail, but in the book I do kind of mention it and it is a foundation of our community. In the community, we call it our sacred vow. But I got up from that place, not knowing what was going to happen with my wife and I, divorce had been filed, but it was four months away from being finalized. But I got up from that place of grief and just decided, you know what? I am going to learn and 100 % own my contribution to the sorry state of our marriage. Now, to be honest, at that time, I still thought she was mostly at fault. So, right, this was the very beginnings of my awakening, so to speak. But what we call in the community, our sacred vow, I’ve shared it and we do it every morning together, but it’s simple. It’s, have one goal to grow, evolve. Become a better man, a great man for me, for me first, for my family and for the world. So that vow and what it’s led to was birthed in that dark. hit of despair and unofficially that’s where kind of what I do today, right? That was 11 years ago, but that’s in a sense, that’s where it started. I didn’t, I had no clue, no aspiration to write, to write anything or ever help other men in this regard. I certainly wouldn’t have felt qualified back then, but that was the genesis of it. Okay. Okay. And where are you at now? Like in terms of your, are you single still? I am. Yeah. So if the idea of a relationship even entered my mind, was following quickly on the heels was I’m not going near that right now. Like I am, I already F’ed up my marriage. Like I’m in no condition to jump into a relationship. You know, the little I knew then I knew honestly with my own soul that yeah, that would just be a way to numb the pain and not actually move toward it. And I’m a big proponent of moved toward the pain. So I knew it would be a few years at least. And then as my youngest entered high school, I will just say this again, no blame cast in his mom’s direction. If anything, I take ownership. I led us to that terrible place, right? She made some decisions that I wish she hadn’t made, but I led us there through my passivity and through my avoidance. But my son was traumatized. Our youngest was really traumatized. And I knew as he entered high school a few years later, I’m a bit of a romantic and I knew if dad gets into a relationship, he will feel like he’s been left twice. I just knew it because his sister was already out of the house. There are some years apart and I just knew, you know, coming out of that sacred vow, I knew I had two priorities. One was heal. and grow and become a better man. And the other was to shepherd my son’s heart. So literally those 18 months that I took off, part of it was because it was like a rebirth and I was taking soul care classes and I was reading books and I was watching videos and I started journaling and I started breath work and I, you know, just the whole shebang, so to speak. But the other reason I took off 18 months was to be home every day. for my freshman in high school and to be there in the morning and to have breakfast with him and to be there at 2.30 when he got off the bus and to be able to watch a movie with him that night or play Xbox. So it was a lot of Jeff time, personal reflection and growth. And it was also a lot of me and my son time and just trying to help him walk through the pain and the trauma of the divorce and just, again, the way it all went down. So. I’m rambling a little bit, but that’s my roundabout answer. And then as he approached graduation, and that’s been a couple of years now, I’ve dated, I’m open, I’m looking, I’ve been on the apps and then off the apps. I asked a woman at the gym about a month ago for her phone number, didn’t see the wedding ring on her finger. That didn’t work out. Yeah, but those first eight or nine years, it was like, okay. I’m really clear on my priorities and dating is not one of them right now. And I have no regrets looking back. I’ve never even once thought, ⁓ was that the right call? No, I know for certainty it was the right call. Okay, great. Well, so you took these 18 months off. You did all this reflection and learning and I guess what, I wonder if there’s like a specific moment or a specific insight where you started to realize like, oh, maybe it wasn’t all my wife’s fault. Maybe I had a part in this on some level or was there a specific book or training or something that like, I mean, I’m sure it was all, you know, all of these things together. It sort of helped you for lack of a better word, wake up. But I’m just curious, like that’s such a, it sounds like such a rich time for you to sort of dive in and give yourself that space to really learn about these things that you were learning about. Agreed. And I’m still in it, which is cool. Right. I’m sure I’m still like you. Yeah. Yeah. Which I didn’t understood, you know, for the first five decades of my life, you know, looking back, I don’t know how, especially in the kind of community I was a part of and my, career was like, how did I go so long without personal evolution becoming a high value? It’s still a bit baffling. Although the answer, which is the first lesson in my course, I think is most of us are on autopilot. Yeah. You know, we’re just without a practice like journaling, taking time intentionally to reflect and to ask, you know, at the end of the day, what went well, what needs work, what will I do differently next time or tomorrow? I mean, without that, we’re just, we’re just not conscious, you know, we’re just, so that journey of consciousness really, when I got up from the floor and said, I’m going to own 100 % own whatever my part is as it’s revealed. Price, was supernatural, it was probably too strong of a word, but in my times of reflection, I’m so thankful for the habit and I continue it to this day about five or six nights a week. It was just during those times because there’s still some grief mixed in there, right? We’re not divorced yet. then even on the heels of the divorce being finalized. Bryce, was like I would have these moments where I would literally see in my mind’s eye, I would see vignettes from the past exchanges between my wife and I and how I handled it and the guy I showed up as. again, whether it’s God for some of the guys in your audience, whether it’s the universe, whether it’s higher intelligence, it was like, I guess my heart and soul were just in the right place of being receptive. And I think my desire to learn was genuine. And I started seeing these vignettes and having this deep sense of without reading books. I wasn’t reading books at the time on relationships. I was reading mostly books and watching videos on personal evolution and growth and pushing our limits, getting outside of our comfort zone, learning new things, trying new things, getting uncomfortable, you know, all that stuff. And I would just. Instead of feeling the shame of that memory, would actually in my mind’s eye and in my soul kind of know, ⁓ that’s what she needed. I wish I could like explain it. And I’m certainly not trying to sound, you know, let’s pat Jeff on the back and say, wow, you’re amazing. But it just came to me. I wouldn’t take credit for it. You know, even writing my books, there were times when I would get up from a chapter and I know you’ve experienced this, I’m sure with clients and with your work where you’re like, Okay, I’m trained to do what I do, meaning you, Bryce, but like, wow, I don’t know where that came from, but that was exactly what that person needed in that moment. Yeah. So I was just having those personally. And I was writing about it and reviewing those things. Yeah. Does that answer your question? That’s really good. Yeah. One of the things I loved about your book that you did throughout it was this way you would translate. you would describe an action and then you would translate, this is what she’s feeling inside. If you do that. Yes. I just loved how you did that because I think it really speaks to this understanding of the feminine experience. Like what’s that like? I mean, I could give specifics, but it was just so helpful to read that and think, ⁓ that’s not what I want her to think or feel. And yet I still, I can sort of see the behavior and be like, well, what’s wrong with that? And then it’s like, but if you do that, this is how she’s going to experience it. And I thought that was just incredibly insightful and helpful. And I agreed with all of it. was like, ⁓ yeah, that’s exactly how my wife feels when I do that. So I loved that. But it was almost like you were translating the feminine in this book in a really beautiful way. that’s cool. Yeah. I try to keep it simple. And I know for us guys, right, just seeing it simply spelled out, I do a lot of that translating. And then also here’s your wife said this, but let me translate. Here’s what she was really. You know, and a lot of, all of that came again, not to take credit, but it just came intuitively. And before I wrote my first book or while I was writing my first book, I did have a group of 20 to 40 men and women, but a lot of women in there where I was sending chapters, emailing chapters to friends and saying, am I close? I missing it by a mile? You know, ladies, especially since I’m kind of speaking for you, help me. And I kept getting the kind of response I just got from you. you know, about your wife, meaning women just saying, how do you know this? Who taught, you know, this is spot on. And so that was my little encouragement just to like, okay, I’m onto something. I don’t know how or why, or, somebody’s tapping me on the shoulder and saying, keep going. So, and even the book idea for the first one, it came from the insistence of a friend. It was a lot of my journal entries and a close intimate friend from California. few times and we’re talking on the phone and he’s asking me about my journey. And sometimes I would read little passages from my journal. And one time he didn’t know what I was reading from, cause I don’t probably didn’t announce it. He’s like, wow, that is awesome. He said, what are you reading? Thinking, you know, it was a book. said, no, that’s my journal. said, dude, he said, you’ve got to put that in writing. You got to get this stuff out there. And was really out of left field. was like, really? Yeah. Yeah. And that’s how it started, honestly. And then I released the first book and I put my contact info in there. And guys started reaching out to me, Hey, do you coach? And I was like, I guess I could, you know? So, wow. That’s wonderful. Yeah. That’s literally how it started. Bryce. I was painting houses for 25 and 30 and $35 an hour, barely getting by. And I released the first book and yeah, guys started reaching out to me. Wow. That’s so cool. Yeah. One of the things I was going to ask you about, I this sort of was interesting is, you you talk a lot about leadership, which I also talk a lot about it with my male clients, you know, taking the lead, you know, being in that masculine energy and taking the lead. One of the things that was really striking to me is this, it wasn’t a lot of the book, but it was like a certain part of the book of like wanting more like excitement and novelty and how, and there was a part of the book where you were talking about how like women don’t speak directly to what they need or want and that sort of thing. And I have this sense in myself and this is like very like psychological training that I’ve had of like You’re an adult. Exactly. So you think what you need. It’s actually very much. And what I loved about it was you were like, what’s fun about that? It’s so boring. And I was just like struck by that. was like, you’re right. It is boring. It’s like so much more fun to like give you a little bit of the thing. And then you had to figure it out. Let’s say you have to work for it. And I was like, yeah, I want to work for it. And I’m still annoyed by that at times. I have to work for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m still annoyed. I’m like, oh, why don’t you just tell me that? But. I think there is something about that where it’s almost like the feminine is saying, it’s not like a test, that’s not quite it. It’s more just like, I’m gonna give you this and then I want you to work for it. Come work for this, lead me back into connection. And it just really struck me and it really realized like, I was wrong. I think you’re right. I think that I need to work on the translation. I need to like take the effort and say, you were saying this and this is what I was getting and let’s figure this out. or, you know, figure out myself, but also like not expect this like ease of translation. I think you spoke to that too of like how men, what the man’s saying to the woman is like, yeah, I’m done working. I’m not trying anymore. I’ve got you. I figured out. Yeah. I’ve cracked the code. Yep. That was probably the quote. And it was like, I just, just tell me what you need and I’ll do it, but I’m not going to work for this anymore. I’m not going to try for this anymore. And I just, it really hit me because I know I’ve done that to my wife. I’m like, Why didn’t you tell me that? You didn’t say that. You said this and I didn’t know you meant that. And then she’s just like, what? Why didn’t you know? Like figure it out. And I’m just like, no, no, you’re an adult. And now I’m like, ⁓ okay. Yeah. I’m going to work. I can keep working. I can’t just start being, you know, just giving up and being like, I’m doing enough here. Just, you know, like phoning it in, so to speak. So I just really loved that. I thought that was wonderful. Make this easier for me. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think it is about the feminine that makes that part of their wiring? I mean, go ahead. Well, I think, you know, it’s like almost like if you think about it more in an embodied sense, like the feminine shows up almost like in lingerie. Like I’m going to show you some of myself. I’m going to show all of myself. I like that. Yeah. Like I’m going to, I’m going to tease you. I’m going to give you some information, but I want you to work for it. Like you got to come over here and you got to get me excited. If you want this, you gotta work for it. that’s what really came to me. was like, cause you know, I think in our physical intimacy, I get that. Like it’s like, course, you know, I’m not just like, okay, let’s go. It’s like, you know, I gotta like bring a leader into that space and you know, we gotta start the whole process of, know, getting each other warmed up and all the beautiful things that go along with that. But it just started, struck me. like, oh, in this world, I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that. And like, what’s the difference? What’s the difference? I’m not sure there’s a difference. I am so glad I asked you that question. You just gave me an outline for the chapter in my next book, Bryce. Oh, great. That lingerie picture. I’m going to show you a little and yeah, it’s do you care enough to keep pursuing me? Right? Yeah. Yeah. No, I love that. Are you going to keep pursuing me? Are you going to keep moving in my direction? That is so good. I wrote a post. I write for a men’s app called live free. It’s an app for men wanting to kick the porn habit. And one of the themes in my last book, right? It’s in there a little bit, but we say it a lot in my community, which is stop playing the princess. Stop playing in the princess. playing the princess, like stop being in the role of the princess. Okay. And the woman wants to be in that role. Right. And so I just wrote a post, two story about a client. He and his wife had a little disagreement after putting the kids to bed. It was unsettling. wasn’t a major fight, but it was unsettling. And he. Went downstairs to his man cave to play call of duty and just kind of like check out, right? Do the avoidant thing. And a few hours later, his wife came downstairs by this time it’s probably, you know, 10 30, 10 45. And she asked him, are you coming to bed? That’s all she said. And he said, no. And what I say in that post is he missed it. Right? So he missed a bid for connection. That’s what Gottman calls a bid for connection. She wasn’t looking for the information. Are you coming to bed now or in five minutes? Right. That was her repair attempt. And what she was really saying in that moment was, Hey, I hate feeling disconnected from you. Would you come upstairs? Even if we don’t talk about the spat, you know, would you just cuddle with me? Would you hold me in your arms? I just need to know we’re okay. And what I say in the post is, The uninitiated male asks, well, then why didn’t she just say that? Right. And, what I say after that is no, that’s the wrong question. Here’s the right question. Why did she have to descend two flights of stairs into his dark lair? Why did she in the absence of true masculinity have to hastily play the hero and fight for their marriage? Cause that’s what was happening. She was fighting for their marriage and you know, it was in a sense, it was very unfeminine of her. But what did he do? He was playing the princess, right? Think of his answer. No. What was he doing? He was playing hard to get, right? He was actually playing the princess and she had to go after him and he, anyway, you get the whole idea. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s part of it. That’s part of her DNA, right? Like pursue me, come after me, show me you care, show me I matter. Mm-hmm. I wonder though, this is a thing that I’m curious about from your perspective is that I work with a lot of men who I want to say that they are the primary providers sometimes exclusively the providers. Yeah, they do well. They make you know, good money They take care of their family all that stuff and they often feel like a pretty deep sense of despair or like there’s this kind of like emptiness in the side that they don’t feel very seen in all of it. They don’t feel very acknowledged in all the things that they do. And there’s a wanting to, I guess the best word is appreciation or gratitude or something like that, that they rarely get in their life. It’s shown up enough that I was like, huh, this seems like a thing. And I was sort of curious about it because I find that my female clients never talk about that. They never like actively looking for some sort of, you know, they want to be seen. But it’s not like it’s not the same thing. It’s like, think in that sort of more male role in our culture of like provider, protector, there’s almost like a wanting to be seen of like, you’re doing a good job as a man. And I think there’s something about that that’s, I was gonna say natural. I don’t know if that’s the right word, but there’s something about that that feels like I want to be seen in all that I do, all that I sacrifice, all that I get up every morning and work my ass off for this family and for you and for. making this all work. I just want to be seen in that sometimes. And I think the way they want to be seen, which is maybe different than the feminine is to be seen in their masculine glory. I’m not sure what the words are. Yeah. But I felt like in your book, you were saying, yeah, you really need that. You know, not say that we don’t, but like, it was more like, is that what we’re going for here? So I’m just curious what you think about that. It’s a great question. I think it’s one of the reasons it’s so important. to be a part of a tribe of men, right? Because we get that from each other. You know, as you were asking your question and setting it up in my head, I was thinking there’s probably two different scenarios that sound very similar. And in one case, the one you described, that guy is also, you know, doing the things we’ve talked about, pursuing her and making his marriage a priority. and walking in his leadership lane and owning the health of the marriage and being the one to plan date nights. I don’t mean every time, right? But the one who’s going first, as I say in my book. And then there’s the guy, right? A lot of the guys that come to my community and I was one of them where it’s a little bit like, hey, I do all of this and you should be happy and that should be enough. And why are you so freaking hard to please woman? Right. But it’s not coming from a place of there’s deep connection, there’s intimacy, there’s friendship. You know, it’s, it’s more just like, you’re too demanding and I should be getting more from this and out of this, it’s not, you know, it’s like a victim kind of energy. It’s not like, Hey, I want to lead us to a stronger place, better place. I want to get really clear on what your priorities are in this marriage. I’m going to do my best to be clear on what I need more of, yada yada. Yeah. So I think, gosh, I think it’s, would you agree? It’s like the same scenario, but it’s like, really depends on how we’re coming at that. Showing up. Yeah. No, I think that’s right. I think if you’re, well, I think here’s where the disconnect goes for men is like, they do the things that the culture has directed as swords. Yeah. I make the money, I pay the bills, make sure I lock the door at night, protect my family. What they’re not doing though, is they’re maybe not leading to connection, all the things you just spoke of. I’m not engaging with my kids, come home, I’m tired. I’m to go sit on my phone, read the newspaper, whatever. And so what they’re seeing is that they’re doing this thing. And why am I not getting all of this adoration for my efforts? And I’ve definitely had men in my couples work where the woman is just exasperated because she doesn’t get much of anything from this guy. She doesn’t get any sort of leadership connection, he just kind of is like, what? God, it’s like more for me. And they don’t really see how I think the way I try to sort of leverage it is like, this isn’t about your wife. This isn’t going to make her life better. This is going to make your life a lot better because she’s going to feel connected and loved and sexy and fun and playful. It’s like, you’re not getting all these things because you’re not doing these things. And for a lot of these guys, you know, I can sit here and complain about them, but it’s not that it’s like, they don’t have no idea. It’s like, that’s how their dads were. So I don’t really see it as like, there’s like this big deficiency. I’m just like, they, they have no idea, but like, it’s getting back to my, this is a long drawn out answer to your question, but I think what ends up happening is that when they’re asking for that, it feels like this kind of like needy is giving me more instead of coming from this place of like, clarity and groundedness and like, maybe I really want you to see me in my power. I want you to, I want to feel that from you. want to see, you know, that’s totally different if I think to sort of see how you’re describing it. Yeah. Two things come to mind. If I was a women’s coach, I would tell that woman, praise your man. Right. Like I would, I would coach her down that path. Obviously one of the things we say in the community is there comes a point Now I’m coaching guys and my community is for guys in marriage crisis, right? So very different from the books I write. The community and the course is for guys in separation, divorce is pending, yada, yada. But there comes a time on every guy’s journey where I will say to that guy, hey, in a grounded, calm, I’m not upset way, but it’s appropriate for you to say to your wife, hey, listen, you may not be proud of my changes, but I am. I am. And then walk away. Right. So it’s because as you can imagine, right. In my community, the women who are separating from their husbands and the guys that find me, you know, these wives know that, Hey, just cause you put a good week or two together, doesn’t mean you’re, you’re radically different. You know, I know my husband, if he sets a goal, if he’s got a target, he’ll go all in and he could impress anybody, you know, so it takes time. The average separation in the States is 10 to 15 months. And that’s some of the first news my clients get, which they hate, right? They want this thing to be over in maybe two months. And I’m having to tell them upfront, no, we’re playing the long game here. One of our little mantras in the community is we’re turning a cruise ship, not a kayak, right? Like this is a long, slow turn. But to have that strong masculine sense of I’m owning my crap. And I’m two months in and you may not recognize my changes. You may not be proud of them. You don’t need to be. I am. I love what’s happening inside me. I love the man I’m becoming. And I think obviously, right, that strong. I think if we can live from that place and we were a part of a tribe of men where we get to acknowledge each other and our hard work and stuff that we’re fighting through and the stuff that we’re slaying. I think in marriage, the acknowledgement and the praise, yeah, it’s important. And I think it should be kind of like the icing on the cake. Like I already have the cake. I already have a strong sense of I’m proud of me and I love it when you acknowledge it, but if you don’t, I’m not going to collapse. I’m I’m okay. If you’re not acknowledging it, maybe I could. do a better job of just extracting you from the house and the demands of kids and laundry and cooking dinner and packing lunches. Maybe we just need to, you know, maybe we need three or five days out of the house and maybe my wife will be able to show up differently and be like, you know what I haven’t told you in a while? You’re amazing. Right? Yeah. I like that idea of it being the icing on the cake. think there was like a part of me that could kind of like take care of myself. I have a very self-reliant part of me that’s like really good at that. Yeah. As I’ve deepened in my relationship with my wife, one of the things that’s come out though is like wanting more from her in a way, like more emotional, I don’t know, depth or connection or something and wanting to be seen in some of these things. Whereas I think in the early part of my relationship with her, it was very much about, I got it, I’ll just take care of myself. And that’s just, that’s my natural state. That’s part of my developmental trauma was I just had to take care of myself a lot. And so I’m sort of bringing up as a personal question because I’m wondering about like, don’t know if I deserve quite yet the icing on the cake. I think I got a few more, maybe decades of working on this shit. But I do think that there’s something about the feminine seeing the masculine at that. I still haven’t quite formulated. So that’s kind of what I’m coming out of. like, what is that moment where, you know, I’ve done that in couples therapy where I’ve had the woman speak to the man. and say, you know, just like, see you, I see you, you’re a good man. Stuff like that, like over and over again. And the shame and the pain and often tears come up. It’s just like really powerful to be seen like that for men. And so, I don’t know, I’m still working with this one. I’m still curious. I like what you said. I’m just like, hmm, what do I want from my wife? I’m not even sure exactly what it is. In your estimation, you know, the scenario just described in the tears and the emotion. You think that has more or less or equal to do with he’s never heard it from her or it’s been five years. And so this is washing him and, or do you think it’s part of his broken record from the past? Right. Like mine is you suck. So for an adult, just to say, I see you, you matter. I appreciate you. This family is lucky to have you. What do you think? I’m just curious. Yeah. I mean, I think. It’s definitely both. think what happens, and this is maybe leading to my next question, because I really appreciate this part of your book too, is that we are attached to our parents and we get wounded in that relationship. And we attach to our partners and we play out all the bullshit that we didn’t work out with our parents. And so there’s a definite a place of feeling that love and connection with our partners. that starts to heal the love and connection we maybe didn’t get with our original attachment people. And so when that happens, I think it’s, it’s both like the longing to feel like I’m a good man. Like there’s a longing to feel that on some level. And then also for a lot of these men, there’s just a well of shame that has come out of their original, their family of origin and has led them to feel, you know, all the things that you talked about at the beginning of like why it was so hard to show up in your. in your marriage. So I think when that happens, just pokes all of that and it just, and it’s so healing because it’s like, ⁓ so really. Yeah, it’s so healing. And just to say to your audience as a quick aside, I’m certainly not saying don’t share your needs with your wife, right? If anything, me and the guys that come into my community, initially that’s been an area where they have failed miserably, right? Just speaking up, speaking up for self and saying, Hey, when you, I, or, know, this is what I would really love more of this means a lot to me. It’s actually initiating those conversations. So many guys just never do. And then we become that shook up Coke bottle of resentment, right? Yeah. Yeah. So just to say to your audience, yeah, listen, hey, everything Bryce is talking about is legitimate and real. And we do need that from our spouse. And if you need more, let her know, let her know. Yeah, that’s great. Yeah. So partly on that is this sense that I really loved. And you just, said it. here too, which I’m really appreciating is I bring this to my clients sometimes and they’re a little bit like surprised by it. You know, it’s a little question of like, what is the point of marriage? What is the point of like deep relationship? And for a lot of people, it’s like, well, you know, companionship, we like each other, we hang out, we have sex, we have a family, we take, you know, we steward our kids through this world and it’s all very practical. And I often say, oh, no, no, no, no. I mean, yeah, all that. That’s true. But you guys picked each other because you’re going to help each other grow. That’s why you picked each other. And so it’s actually quite, I want to say, I was going say astonishing, not astonishing, but like, they’re like, whoa, I’ve never even thought of it like that. Yeah. And I’m like, that’s why. And, you know, I talk about the sort of that, you know, alchemical kind of thing that happens where, you know, you bring these two people together and then all this conflict and differences and stuff goes on, creates all this heat and that creates change. Yeah. Right. And as that heat comes up, what happens is then we start to grow and we start to change and slowly all that trauma starts to get healed and all that waste starts to move out. And so that’s really why we are in relationship. I was just, I was thinking of this one client, I was talking about all this and he was like, why hasn’t anybody ever told me that I never knew any of this. I was like, well, you know, it’s not like super new. This is like, you know, from the Imago, I don’t know if you know the background of this kind of theory. It’s this Imago theory that they came up with back in the day and probably in the sixties or seventies. But it is like, to me, it really sort of creates this notion of relationship as the, like the foundation or the way in which you are going to evolve to your best self. when you’re pissed at this person, just remember. whatever she’s doing to you is to help you become a better person. Now it doesn’t seem like that in the moment. Sure as hell doesn’t seem like that in the moment. ⁓ But that’s why she’s in your life. And that’s why you picked her. And I just loved that. I love that idea because it’s like, ⁓ you know, like I think about my relationship with my wife and I’m like, so incredibly grateful because nothing, no amount of meditation or therapy or breath work or anything could even come close to how much she has. opened me up to my core self and made me more and more of the, like the best person I can be. And like, I can never even imagine, there’s no way could repay her for that. It’s it’s amazing. And so I think that that idea and I didn’t get, there was definitely that was in your book. I think it just is so helpful for men to understand like, no, no, no, no, she’s not fucking with you. She’s helping you become your best self. That hit me years ago, like a ton of bricks. And I think it was crystallized with a quote that I included in the book. I believe I know it’s in the community, Nate Bagley. He’s a, okay. It’s in the book. Yep. He’s a Gottman disciple, but I remember seeing that quote, the point of marriage isn’t happiness. It’s growth. And that not only hit me personally, but I remember having this thought like universally, like, ⁓ my freaking like. That would change the world. That would change marriage across the board if I’m stepping into this relationship knowing it’s way more than the good moments, the comfort, the predictability, the familiarity, the sex, the intimate. But it’s like, yeah, all that’s great. And the priority is I get to grow. Being my age and being single, It’s not that I’m this amazing guy, but I say to the guys in our community all the time, you guys are part of the 1%. If you think of our world, it’s rare that people are conscious. It’s rare that people are leaning into pain and criticism and discomfort and have this high value to own everything they can own and to grow and to become better, more generous, kinder, more compassionate humans. We might all agree or subscribe to that as an idea, right? But it’s a very small percentage of people, as you know, who are actually living that way. So in the same way I say to the guys in the community, you guys are part of the 1%. Like you invested in a course in community, not just to win your wife back, but to become the kind of man she would be attracted to again one day, right? That’s very different than. Here’s five things, do these and win your wife back, right? Here’s a bunch of gimmicks. You know, the first thing they learn in the course is like, no, there’s no gimmicks here. You’re to learn some very practical things for your separation, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. But the long play is you’re going to grow into the kind of man your wife will, all the words you’ve talked about, admire, respect and adore one day. So I tell those guys, you’re the 1%. Most guys, the 99, They’re playing video games. They’re scrolling their phone. They’re out there sleeping around. They’re hooking up with divorced women, right? They’re drinking. They’re looking at porn. And so what you find out in the world is it’s a very small group of people who are growth oriented. You know, I have a list of nine things that I kind of recite fairly often of what I’m looking for in a woman. And it goes like this warm, affectionate, kind, caring, beautiful, sexy, learning. Growing, Bryce, those last three were not on my list for the first 55 years of my life. Right. But now, now that I realize, ⁓ like as a single guy, you could give me the first six, warm, caring, kind, compassionate, beautiful, sexy. If she doesn’t have those three learning, growing, evolving, committed to that beyond me, beyond meeting me, but this is already in place and a part of her MO. We’re just not going to be a good fit. We’re just not going to be a good fit because I am all about what you’re talking about. I wasn’t right for the first 50, 55 years of my life, but now it’s like, you know what? I don’t want to be single. I’m not like even choosing it. I would rather share my life with someone, but I would choose singleness over a relationship without this foundation. And I will also say as a single guy, it’s the one thing I miss most. jealous of my clients when they bring me these friction moments. like, ⁓ man, even though I’m working on myself, even though I’m proud of my growth and I’ve come so far, ⁓ I’m not getting what they’re getting and I really miss it. It’s one of the reasons I moved back to New Jersey and I live close to my family. My four siblings and my mom are all close by and there’s a lot of friction all the time. So I don’t have the romantic relationship. And I do understand obviously that’s a whole different level that I still don’t have, but it is great having a family around because we’re always pushing each other’s buttons and there’s always opportunities to grow. know, that’s beautiful. Become better people. Yes. Yes. We are wounded in relationships and we heal. in relationships. That’s it right there. Yeah. I’m curious as we’re, got about eight more minutes here. I’m curious, like, what would you say to some men, you probably say this to some of your men, but if you, if you could pick just right now off the of your head, what’s one thing that you would encourage men to do to start to move in the direction we’ve been speaking of today? It’s one thing that really it’s been helpful for you or something that really stands out for you. That’s easy. You know, I referred to it at the outset. It’s the thing that has changed my life, which is building the reflection habit. There is no long-term growth, substantial growth without that reflection habit. Sitting with a blank piece of paper, a journal or a notebook, you know, 15 minutes at the end of every day. Again, could be simple questions. We have the three that we ask in the community, but we’re always changing it up depending on the season. We introduced two new questions this week. They’re some of the best I’ve ever heard in my life. So I’ll just share them with your audience. Here’s the first one that we’ve all been sitting with as a community. If a third party were to observe you up close just for a week, what would they say your priorities are? It’s a great one. That’s the first one. And the second one is this. If you were starring in a movie of your life, what would the audience be screaming at you to do right now? Wow. Isn’t that powerful? Right? know, in Notting Hill, it’s go after her, right? What? You just told Julia Roberts to hit the road? What are you crazy? Go, go, go. Right. In the horror film, it’s don’t go down there. Right. Oh, those are powerful. Those are powerful. So we’re always, you know, you want to keep it fresh. You don’t want to answer the same three questions every night for 10 years. the You know, if you want to start the three that we use are I think powerful. We always start off with five minutes or so of gratitude. So just writing down from that, eh? five to 10 things from that day. I mean, if you think of one from a week ago, fine, but it could be the sun was out today. I live in New Jersey, right? It could be my niece texted me and invited me to her basketball game. It could be I’m grateful for just 10 minutes with my son in the kitchen when he was acting silly and we were laughing our asses off. So it’s gratitude. And then it’s looking back at the day and asking what went well, what needs work. And what will I do differently next time? Right. So it’s in coaching. call it game film, right? Tom Brady’s considered the greatest of all time because he watched more game film than anyone. It’s looking objectively. It’s not beating myself up. It’s saying, you know what? I was really short with my son today. Where did that come from? ⁓ you know what? I was pissed because this client broke his appointment, whatever the case may be. Right. But it’s just. It’s practicing being conscious, which is where we started this podcast, right? So it’s building that consciousness reflection habit. It’s keeping autopilot at bay, knowing it’s always there just to make us and keep us automatons going through the motions, not considering the important things, majoring on the minors, pushing aside the things that matter, right? I think I write about this in the book, maybe in my first book, but it’s like, We were always going to have a vacation soon, right? Work was always going to slow down next month. And so I was that guy and most of us are that very kind of heads down. We don’t take time just to look up and think and be conscious. So that’s my five minute answer to your question. That’s really good. It’s actually inspiring me to take up journaling again. I haven’t done it for awhile. I appreciate that. My gratitude practice. You know, one of the things that strikes me too, like I think sometimes these things we talk about can feel like just maybe to somebody like sort of insurmountable, know? Yeah. I think it’s just like anything, you know, I often will say, you know, it’s like, talk a lot about like nervous system regulation and like, you know, being aware of your body and things like, so you can regulate your body. I’m like, it’s not that much different than hitting a tennis ball. You know, you just keep doing it and it gets easier. And I think, I think the other thing is that like with, you know, being more conscious, it gets this point. I think maybe you can agree. Like I don’t, I can’t check out. It’s like, can’t, I just can’t like be like, ⁓ I don’t need to deal with this. I mean, I could, like, I could do that, but it’s so against my state now that it would be so difficult to do. you, so you get to this point where it’s not like such an effort, you know, but in the beginning it is, there’s a lot of effort, a lot of work. to kind of keep you in that state of awareness and reflection and understanding. But then you get to a place where I feel like, you know, I’m 53, I still got a lot of work to do. Don’t trust me and don’t, nobody should think that I’ve a lot of to do. But I do feel that there’s like almost like a mechanism in me or I’ve reached some level of consciousness where I don’t have to work as hard at it as I did in the early stages of my life. know? Totally agreed. It becomes our In the community, we say new second nature, right? Yeah. So if you’re practicing generosity, stinginess used to come easy, right? Holding on tight to the little you have that came easy because you did it for years. was part of the automatic programming. But once you start kind of pushing your brain in new directions, in this case, generosity over time, generosity becomes your, your new default mode network. It’s easier in the checkout line to pay someone a compliment. Be generous. It’s just, does become easier over time. agree. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And the community you keep referencing, is that like the people you work with or is there like a group of people you meet with on a regular basis? Yeah. So we, about two years ago, I launched it. spent two years writing a course for men who are again in crisis and my books are for anybody, right? You can be in a pretty good marriage and still I think get a lot out of my books. But the course, the guys that were coming to me, which makes sense, are the ones in crisis. So for six or seven years, I’d been coaching men in crisis, coaching them through separation with the goal obviously to become better men and also to mend or heal and restore that marriage. And I reached the point where the demand just became too great. And so I spent kind of, you know, 18, 20, 22 months just compiling my notes from the last six years and saying, okay, let’s have a lesson on this, a lesson on this. So I put it all online. So it’s 38 lessons, a bunch of eBooks that support the lessons, a bunch of videos, and it’s all housed with our community platform. And so it’s a private app. Guys have it on their laptop and on their phone. It’s just us. And the course is there. The videos are there. post new content regularly. The guys can post, hey, how to win this weekend, wanted to share it with the group. The next guy can say, really struggling with X, does anyone have advice? And so, yeah, it’s going great. We do two group coaching calls a week with me. So they’re getting a lot of bang for their buck. And every week, every month, we’ve got some awesome success stories. And the cool thing is about the community, I know you’ve seen this in men’s work is, A lot of the guys that have seen what they would look back at and call a miracle, right? Cause they came home to a note on the kitchen counter and the wedding ring on top of the note. And you know, I’ve already met with an attorney. Those guys are having, it’s not that they fixed their old marriage. They took it out back, shot it in the head. And now they’ve actually built something really wonderful in its place. A lot of those guys, not all of them, but a lot of them want to give back. So the cool thing is when it started, it was kind of just me, you know, coaching a lot of guys. And now it’s me and you know, 10 or 15 others were staying in there and encouraging and sharing their stories. So it’s cool. I love it. It’s not the only community obviously of its kind. Sure. know it’s yours, Tim Wade and those guys, they have something similar, but yeah. So that’s kind of my main work that takes most of my time is that community, but I love it. So rewarding, so fulfilling. Well, I’ll put all that in the show notes here. Cool. So if you guys want to check it out, please reach out to Jeff if you’re interested. Jeff, I just want to thank you for your time and your thoughts and your reflections. I really think you’re doing really amazing work in the world and I really appreciate everything you’re doing. And I’m glad we got a chance to get this in a podcast so some people can listen to it and get some ideas about how to make changes in their own lives. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, Bryce. I’m so glad we got to meet. I’m so glad I had this opportunity to speak to your audience. Hopefully there’s some help and some takeaways here for the guys in your community. And I look forward to meeting you in person at the summit. Yeah, great. That’s awesome. All right, man. Thank you so much. All right, brother. Thank you. Okay. See you. Thank you for listening today. Please take a moment to like and follow so we can continue to change the world by changing ourselves. Have a wonderful day.

The post Ep. 11: Using Relationship To Become Our Best Self with Jeff Borkowsky appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> 50505 Ep. 4: Working with the Masculine and the Feminine Energy with Joanna Shakti https://brassballstenderheart.com/podcast-ep-4-masculine-feminine-energy-joanna-shakti/ Wed, 03 Dec 2025 23:00:41 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50512 Joanna Shakti joins Bryce to talk about masculine and feminine energy and how understanding both changes how we show up in relationships.

The post Ep. 4: Working with the Masculine and the Feminine Energy with Joanna Shakti appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> The BrassBalls TenderHeart Podcast · Episode 4 · Originally released December 3, 2025 · 39 min

Joanna Shakti joins Bryce to talk about masculine and feminine energy and how understanding both changes how we show up in relationships.


Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | All episodes

About this episode

She shares from her own life how she has worked with these energies and found healthier ways to relate.

Key takeaways

  • Understanding the masculine helps men see how they show up with partners.
  • Both energies live in each of us.
  • Awareness of these patterns opens the door to healthier relationships.

About Joanna Shakti

Joanna Shakti works with intimacy and relationships at Ecstatic Intimacy.

ecstaticintimacy.com

Doing this work yourself?

Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, works with men, dads and couples in Denver. If this episode hit home, start here:

The post Ep. 4: Working with the Masculine and the Feminine Energy with Joanna Shakti appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> 50512 Ep. 1: Finding Our Way: Navigating Loss And Coming Out On The Other Side with Tim Wade https://brassballstenderheart.com/podcast-ep-1-navigating-loss-tim-wade/ Wed, 08 Oct 2025 23:28:11 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50515 Relationships can lose their spark and get stuck. Men's coach Tim Wade talks with Bryce about the challenges in his own marriage and the personal work that brought him to a better place.

The post Ep. 1: Finding Our Way: Navigating Loss And Coming Out On The Other Side with Tim Wade appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> The BrassBalls TenderHeart Podcast · Episode 1 · Originally released October 8, 2025 · 45 min

Relationships can lose their spark and get stuck. Men’s coach Tim Wade talks with Bryce about the challenges in his own marriage and the personal work that brought him to a better place.


Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | All episodes

Key takeaways

  • Relationships get stuck, and that is not the end of the story.
  • Doing your own work changes what is possible in your marriage.
  • Loss can be a turning point.

About Tim Wade

Tim Wade is a men’s coach focused on relationships.

timwadecoaching.com

Doing this work yourself?

Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, works with men, dads and couples in Denver. If this episode hit home, start here:

The post Ep. 1: Finding Our Way: Navigating Loss And Coming Out On The Other Side with Tim Wade appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]> 50515 The Importance Of Male Friendships https://brassballstenderheart.com/the-importance-of-male-friendships/ Mon, 18 Nov 2024 21:30:41 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50166 “A man’s friendships may be one of his most valuable—and underutilized—resources for helping him experience and learn how to be close to others.” Robert Garfield   Prior to the pandemic I ran a men’s group for over two years. In this group setting I witnessed the power of men coming together and sharing their deep...

The post The Importance Of Male Friendships appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

]]>

“A man’s friendships may be one of his most valuable—and underutilized—resources for helping him experience and learn how to be close to others.”

Robert Garfield

 

Prior to the pandemic I ran a men’s group for over two years. In this group setting I witnessed the power of men coming together and sharing their deep pain and regrets to other men. It amazed me how open and responsive men could be towards each other. What also struck me was how men talked with ease, while also explaining that they didn’t talk about these issues anywhere else. Rarely did these men share their vulnerable issues with their significant others. These men, and I believe, many men in our culture, are desperate for a place to let out their emotional struggles. I believe male friendship can be one of the most important elements of men’s lives. Yet it is also a time when so many men are feeling extremely isolated. Why is friendship hard for men? What needs to happen to cultivate friendship? Here are my thoughts.

 

Why Do Men Need Each Other?

 

“It is of vital importance that a man access the mature masculine archetypes through other men as well as within himself. Male bonding is a familiar idea in our culture. It is a nearly universal behavioral pattern found in the vast majority of cultures in all historical epochs.” (Moore and Douglas, 1992)

 

If there is one thing that I found surprising when I was running my men’s group was the willingness of men to listen to the leadership of other men. Men would talk about their professional and personal lives, providing intimate details of their failings. The other men in the group would listen with care. Afterwards the man that was receiving the care would often feel much better at having been witnessed in the masculine energy of the group. Other men would often empathize and meet the vulnerability with a clear, “you are not the only one.”

The thing that surprised me was how men would then call each other out to be better. This is not something I encouraged…it just happened. It was as if men wanted to be challenged by the group to become better in their lives.

After over a decade of listening to men struggle in their relationships with other people I have wondered why it is so much easier for men to take feedback from men who they barely know than from their intimate partners.

What I have come to conclude is that when men take feedback from women they often feel the shame of feeling like a failure. This leads men to shut down rather than step up.

When men come together in friendship they provide a space to be themselves and to playfully explore their current difficulties without the shame that shows up in relationships with women. This provides so many opportunities for men to grow and evolve. This is why men need each other.

 

 

Why Is It Hard For Men To Create Friendships?

The struggle men have to expose themselves in friendship settings is one of the painful elements of our culture. For many men expressing vulnerability in relationships is something that is taken away from them by cultural norms very early in life.

In her book Deep Secrets: Boy’s Friendships And The Crisis Of Connection, author Niobe Way has done research on how boys pull away from the intimacy of their early friendships in order to meet the expectations of the culture around them. When boys initially talk about their friends they describe them in impassioned intimate ways. It goes against any idea of boys being highly competitive and emotionally stoic.

According to Dr. Way, who has studied boy’s friendships extensively, early adolescent boys must reduce their interest in their close friends in order to fit in. This leads to a slow hollowing of the adolescent boy’s emotional range and capacity to develop intimacy in all relationships.

 

“In our twenty-first-century American culture, in which vulnerable emotions and same-sex intimacy are perceived as girlish and gay’, heterosexual boys are described as uninterested in having intimate male friendships, and the stereotype that boys are “only interested in one thing” is perpetuated.” (Way, 2013)

 

This is what happens to young boys on their way to manhood.

Their hearts are crushed as they must limit their desire for closeness with their friends. This enculturation leads boys to repress and ignore their inner world and avoid emotional intimacy. According to Dr. Way, this process starts in early adolescence (ages 14 to 15) and is fully formed by the end of adolescence in the mid-20s. By this age boys are behaving like many of the cultural stereotypes associated with acceptable male behavior.

 

It is only in modern era America and in countries that are heavily influenced by American culture that boys’ emotional and social skills and their intimate same-sex friendships are ignored or dismissed as female…or gay. (Way, 2013)

 

With this as the developmental backdrop for boys it is not hard to understand why many men find friendships to be less than supportive. Men have grown up in a world where relationships with other males is often one of competitiveness and superficial activity. Heterosexual men who desire more depth in their relationships often turn to female partnerships. As a result, many heterosexual relationships are strained by the men needing all of their emotional sustenance from their partners.

 

Men put too many of their (shall we say) ‘emotional eggs’ in a woman’s basket ―Daniel Ellenberg, Ph.D.

 

But this isn’t the answer to the problem. I believe that men truly need each other to grow and thrive. Men need to find each other in a new way through friendships that allows for greater levels of emotional intimacy.

 

the importance of Male Friendships, why are male Friendships important, guys need friends, mental health male Friendships, Brassalls Tenderheart, therapy for men in Denver, denver men's therapy, therapy for guys in Denver, Denver male therapist

 

The Challenge For Male Friendship

In understanding how boys develop we see the challenges men have in fostering the closeness they want in, not just male friendships, but in relationships in general. This is the crisis of connection that many men feel in their lives.

Men with partners and children struggle to understand how to engage with the people they love in an emotionally intimate way. This leads to shame and emotional isolation for many men who put much of their focus on the things they are good at which usually involves their professional life.

 

For a lot of men today, friendship is a kind of afterthought, subordinated to other life priorities. Spending time with a friend is something you might do after you complete your job duties, spend some quality time with your wife and kids, squeeze in a few regular visits to the gym, and enjoy a little time to chill with yourself. (Garfield, 2015)

 

Men often don’t see friendship as a critical piece of their lives. Growing up with a deficit of emotional intimacy seems normal and how men are supposed to be. This is the deep level of pain that men carry into all their relationships. A longing for deeper connection and a self-imposed cultural lid on that desire.

I believe that men want more depth in their friendships but they fear asking for this. They can’t show more vulnerability because it will expose them as weak and unmanly. I see this all around me as I walk by other men or have clumsy interactions with men in social settings. It is safer to act like you don’t give a shit rather than really engage someone you think may offer you connection.  And yet…I also sense the loneliness that comes with refusing to foster any form of affinity with someone they feel an interest in.

 

How To Cultivate Friendships

One of the challenges that men struggle in forming more friendships is the ability to nourish relationships in general. I’m going to be honest and say that women are just better at this than men are for lots of reasons. Our first experience with friendship is meeting someone on the playground and noticing they like to play kickball like us. After a few games they are our best friends. If it was still this easy you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

What does it mean to nourish a relationship?

First, it means making the relationship a priority. This means seeing this person on a regular basis. It doesn’t mean waiting for the other person to call or reach out. Yet it does mean letting go of your pride and leading the relationship by calling when they don’t. It also means being patient and not giving up if things don’t go right at first. Keep encouraging more connection with a new friend (or long-term friend you’ve fallen out of touch with) until it starts to become more habitual.

The second part of this is showing emotional vulnerability in the relationship. I can recall, in the men’s group I ran, I shared something vulnerable. One of the men, who was attending his second group, pointed out that my willingness to share freely allowed him to feel safe to share his struggles. There is no guarantee that you will be met with acceptance and care when you share something vulnerable. However, I will guess that if there is no sharing of this type of heartfelt connection the friendship will eventually fizzle out. It’s worth the risk.

 

“We can’t really be known unless we’re willing to be open. That means not that we disclose ourselves all at once, but that we don’t try to mask who we are, whether with toughness, masculinity or success. We want the real deal! Your friends want to know you, not anyone you’re pretending to be.” (Evensen, 2019)

 

The third area that needs to be worked on is dealing with conflict. This means that when there is a break in the relationship because one friend hurts another friend it needs to be dealt with in a reasonable time frame. I have had friends approach me about a break in our relationship that happened years before. They had just now mustered up the courage to tell me they cared about me enough to talk to me about it. On one hand I appreciate that they finally did…but years later? Come on…talk about things that didn’t go right. Maybe your friend flaked on an event that you needed him to show up for. Say “that isn’t okay…I needed you there.” A friend says some cruel things about your partner. Say, “hey man, I respect your point of view…but that feels  too harsh and I need you to talk about my partner in a more respectful way.” By not doing this you run the risk of all of these breaks in the relationship starting to erode the good will.

If you are feeling isolated in your life these three points aren’t going to magically allow you to have more supportive friendships in your life. It is a starting point to think about how you show up in your relationships right now. Consider why you don’t reach out to a friend of 10 plus years? What are you not giving or getting from the relationship? How would you like it to change? Are there other men in your life that may offer you something with more emotional depth?

 

How This Shows Up In My Life.

I can relate to the painful loss of closeness I felt with friends at an early age. I recall the fear of being called a wimp, sissy or fag because of my desire to be close to the brothers I called friends. This wasn’t conscious in the way that I thought it through and planned to be less affectionate or connected to my male friends. It was this slow closing off of my tenderness towards them.

Over the years I have consciously shifted to get this back with my close friends. I’m truly blessed to have a wonderful group of men in my life that are willing to open up with me and be emotionally intimate.

There have been a number of times where I have discovered friends that are struggling (often in relationships with women) and can only give me a superficial indication of what is happening. When I ask questions and create safety for them to tell me how they are feeling, our bond deepens in significant ways.

In my professional life I meet men of various backgrounds who struggle to open up emotionally. The primary reason they often cite is they are afraid to be shamed for being weak. Over several sessions they begin to show themselves in ways that they have not been able to ever show another man. This is a realization that men are not less emotional or more stoic than women. It is the reality that men are forced into this cultural trap that pushes emotion to the farthest place of awareness for many men.

It is this emotional intimacy that men must begin to call back from their pre-adolescence period, so they can find themselves and become whole again. Men must do this together in community and friendship so that we can all start to believe in a new form of male bonding that allows us  to show our tender hearts to each other.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

 

 

References:

Evensen, Kim. (2019). Brothers: Every man needs strong, authentic friendships. Self Published.

Garfield, Robert. (2015). Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship. Avery Publishing. New York, NY.

Goldfarb, Anna. (2024). Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

Moore, Robert L and Gillette, Douglas. (1992). The King Within: Accessing the King in the Male Psyche. William Morrow. New York, NY.

Moore, Lane. (2023). You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult. Abrams Books. New York, NY.

Vellos, Kat. (2020). We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. Self-published.

Way, Niobe. (2013). Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection. Harvard University Press. Boston, MA.

 

 

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]]> 50166 Maintaining The Erotic In Relationships https://brassballstenderheart.com/maintaining-the-erotic-in-relationships/ Tue, 18 Jul 2023 15:16:20 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49944 Creating and maintaining the erotic, deep, sensual excitement in a relationship gets in the way of creating the safety and security that the relationship also needs. To maintain that seductive element in the relationship it is important not to allow for the fusion of both partners. When two members of this interconnection lose themselves in...

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Creating and maintaining the erotic, deep, sensual excitement in a relationship gets in the way of creating the safety and security that the relationship also needs. To maintain that seductive element in the relationship it is important not to allow for the fusion of both partners. When two members of this interconnection lose themselves in this bond they can no longer feel the passionate energy they need to desire each other.

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What is eroticism?

The erotic is a way of accessing that wild primal side of ourselves that can get lost in the safety and security we often feel in our modern world today. In the moment the erotic is felt there is a desire that bubbles up in your body that pushes you to move towards your partner. It is the feeling that you have that drives us towards being sexual. It is the turn on in our bodies. Without this feeling we can lose our deeper drive towards one another and end up like roommates.

The erotic can feel quite vulnerable. This is why it often is not completely expressed. How do you tell your partner that you want to have sex? Do you say something? Do you do something? If this causes a little bit of uncertainty that is what I’m talking about. That feeling that I don’t want to create discomfort in our relationship by letting my partner know I’m feeling horny.

 

Why do we need to be separate to be erotically connected?

Separateness in relationships is essential for our ability to feel connection. If we are completely bound together, who do we connect with? There is nobody to bind ourselves…because the relationship is one person. In order to have a deeper relationship that involves the erotic couples must first learn to feel their separation.

…separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex. (Perels, 2009)

Often the way people become enmeshed is through a sense of codependency. Codependency is when we often will take responsibility for our partner’s feelings at the expense of my own. Any thought of “I have to make her/him happy,” is moving into co-dependent relating. Often, it can seem like trying to help someone, but it is really a covert way of controlling another person. When someone is feeling a lot of activation in their bodies and witnessing this feels uncomfortable, the way out of this is to make them stop. One way to do this is to cheer them up or to shame them for how they are feeling “why are you so angry?”

In codependent relationships the compulsive ways that couples feel the need to diminish themselves in order to be “good enough” for their partners can extinguish the flame of wanting each other sexually. When we are committed to being what our partner wants us to be we stop being who we are in order to become what we think is acceptable to our lover. Over time we lose touch with who we really are. The erotic gets pushed down along with our authentic expression.

In separateness, the relationship can allow for the emotional intensity of the relationship. Both partners can tolerate their own feelings that come up when they see their partner in distress and not attempt to get out of it. When you don’t have to take responsibility for the other person’s feelings you can feel your individuality. When you feel more distinction in the relationship it allows for the erotic to have more space to emerge. If you don’t have to worry about hurting the other person then you can allow your erotic drive to push forward not needing to keep it vanilla and safe. If it gets uncomfortable then things can slow down or change course but that titillating feeling can drive into the mystery of what you feel drawn to.

Erotic passion is a selfish spark that pulls one towards what they crave. If the relationship is only concerned with making sure everyone feels okay there is little room for sexy energy to emerge.

The electricity in a couples erotic connection flows most freely when they are not entangled, but rather feel themselves as two distinct, separate poles, man and woman. 

(Welwood, 1992)

 

How to create more erotic energy.

To begin with you have to work at it. You can’t accept a sexless life or a very mechanical sex life. You must talk about this vulnerable issue and start to work through what is not working.

The problem arises when they become trapped in a linear, goal-oriented focus on intercourse and orgasm that bypasses eroticism. (Perel, 2009)

The other important element of creating more erotic energy is acknowledging the differences. In all relationships, whether homosexual or heterosexual, there is a masculine partner and a feminine partner. Without this energetic distinction there is no pull towards each other. It is the idea of having two Yang energies go towards each other. This doesn’t work. It is important to acknowledge how these energies work in the erotic setting.

The masculine energy (which may be a man or woman) when it is fully expressed from a being who feels this energy at the root of their essence is leading the sexual experience. This doesn’t mean there is lots of communication between both partners but the feminine (which may be a man or a woman) wants to feel that ground of presence and leadership that creates that deep polarity of attraction.

In some ways our cultures desire to create equality has pushed out the awareness of these differences. When we focus on fostering equalness at the expense of differences we lose that seductive energy between the masculine and feminine.

Couples who water down their differences, overemphasizing how they are both “just people” or “pals,” create a unisex blandness that lacks passion and vigor. (Welwood, 1992).

This leads to uncertainty in what is happening in the sexual arena. Who is supposed to initiate? Is it okay for a man to ravage his woman in a heterosexual relationship? Is that too domineering?

I want to make it clear that this does not mean men are in charge and dictating what happens. I know the historical and current way in which men have and can dominate our culture and society in many ways. What I am talking about is not unhealthy patriarchal control but instead an allowance of these essential energies to emerge in the erotic setting and be allowed to express themselves.

 

So to find our genuine, powerful male or female energies, we need to reconnect with the wild, elemental spirit that lives in us, underneath all our civilized facades. The human spirit, despite centuries of superficial domestication, retains a fundamentally wild quality. It is wild in the way that wind, rain and sun are, wild in this sense meaning untampered with; as it is, in itself.” This elemental wildness is not something crude or primitive. It is, rather, a reality beyond personality or conditioning: the god or goddess living and moving deep within, whose power nourishes us like a clear, pristine underground spring. (Welwood, 1992)

 

How this shows up in my life.

I do believe that my work on getting out of the co-dependent relationship that I had with my partner has really allowed me to feel a deeper connection with her. The belief that I was somehow responsible for her happiness was crippling me in how I showed up in the relationship. As this has allowed more separateness I have found more room for our erotic connection.

The other work I have been doing is really finding the role of my masculine in my family. This means taking the lead in my marriage and with my kids. It doesn’t mean waiting on the sidelines for my wife or kid to figure it out but going directly into the discomfort of what is happening with as much compassion and presence as I can muster. This has also translated into my leading in the sexual realm and not waiting for some signal that it is okay to proceed. I can express my desire and if that is not met with desire on my partner’s end…that’s okay. Since I’m not enmeshed emotionally with her I can feel the disappointment and move on. There is much less on the line when I move towards her.

I’m not always doing this perfectly and there are times when I don’t fully embrace my masculine leadership or I do get caught up in the co-dependent energy in my marriage. However, the work I have done has helped to support a more vibrant sexual energy in my marriage. If I can do it, so can you.

 

If you or someone you know wants to learn how to create a stronger sexual connection I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Perel, Esther. (2009). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York, NY. HarperCollins.

Schnarch, David. (2010). Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing your Relationship. New York, NY. Harper-Collins.

Welwood, John. (1990). Journey Of The Heart: The Path Of Conscious Love. New York, NY. Harper-Collins.

 
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]]> 49944 Considering Divorce: Should I Get a Lawyer? https://brassballstenderheart.com/divorce-should-i-get-a-lawyer/ Mon, 03 Jan 2022 18:18:52 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49811 (Don’t Lawyer Up… Yet.) Read This First… Points to Consider Before You Lawyer Up Should I get a lawyer…. you may be asking yourself this right now after a particularly bad event or fight. It is natural to want to defend ourselves when we feel threatened. When the people we love are being critical, blaming...

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(Don’t Lawyer Up… Yet.)

Read This First… Points to Consider Before You Lawyer Up

Should I get a lawyer…. you may be asking yourself this right now after a particularly bad event or fight. It is natural to want to defend ourselves when we feel threatened. When the people we love are being critical, blaming or outright hostile we want to deny their opinion of us. In this defensive posture we act as lawyers, not listening or caring for the other but finding reasons they are wrong. What if we changed our defensive posture to one that allowed for a more present openhearted response? What if we were able to listen to understand rather than plan our response as a way to fight back? What if these interactions stopped being about winning and started being about understanding?

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When Your Relationship or Marriage Feels Like It’s Over

Our primitive response to threat comes in a flash. We can feel our face, arms and hands tighten and our mind focuses energy towards the person we perceive as attacking. Immediately we want to defend against what they are saying. We want to turn the argument around and put it on our partner…accuse them for what we are being accused.

If this sounds familiar it is because we all do this. We all get defensive when we feel we are being barraged with aggressive energy. The thing we do next is often start to listen for reasons the other person is wrong. This is why I liken this to being a lawyer. A person who is steeped in the law is often engaging a witness not to understand them but to find out the mistakes in their testimony. By doing this they are strengthening their case.

In some ways we are all defense attorneys attempting to protect ourselves by coming up with reasons the other person is wrong. The problem with this strategy is that we aren’t in a court of law. We are in our home with someone we love.

Trying to avoid or control other people doesn’t resolve your reactivity.Michael P. Nichols

So what is a better solution?

Awareness Is Key

I feel like a broken record talking about awareness because I talk about it a lot in these blog posts. The truth is nothing really can improve if we aren’t aware of what’s happening. When we are aware of how we are experiencing someone’s intrusion into our mental space then we have more options. We can begin to manage what is happening inside us and move out of the anxiety/anger by being aware of it and naming it.

We do this by being aware of the tension in our chests and the difficulty in our breath. We may even have enough resilience in the moment to say “I’m feeling anxious and upset.” Once we have started to feel it and name it we have already started to shift our primitive response out of fight flight and into a more manageable set of nervous system responses.

Being Generous

One of the challenges of really listening is that it takes energy and focus. It means we have to work to be a good listener. It means giving generously of ourselves. Often when we are being attacked by someone the last thing we want to do is be generous.

 

Often it’s a burden. Not, perhaps, the perfunctory attention we grant as part of the give-and-take of everyday life. But the sustained attention of careful listening—that takes strenuous and unselfish restraint. To listen well we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person’s need for attention.

Michael P. Nichols

 

It is important to acknowledge that in order to be a better listener we need to be very generous with our mental resources. So how do we become more generous with our mental energy so that we can listen better? We have to decide to do it. We have to be intentional. Set an intention each day that you will be generous with your partner/loved one and work to be more present with them. The intention will continually focus you towards doing the thing you are intending more often.

Acceptance

The value of acceptance is that it allows us to stop fighting what is. It doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and encourage our loved ones to treat us better. Acceptance is allowing, in the moment, what is happening. I think it also comes into play in how we listen to each other. For a long time I wanted my partner to talk to me in a certain way. I would groan and send all kinds of non-verbal feedback to her that her way of saying things wasn’t okay with me. I wasn’t listening to her words often I was just pissed that she talked to me a certain way.

What I have tried to do (sometimes successfully and sometimes not) lately is accept that she sometimes expresses herself in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I may offer some boundary if it feels extreme but mostly I’ve worked to be okay with her voice inflection and volume. What this has done is it has allowed me to settle into the conversation more without trying to control her way of talking. This has allowed her to feel more seen and listened to and actually changed the way she talks to me. Funny isn’t it? When we accept people as they are they start to feel safer around us and they don’t need to express themselves in ways that feel uncomfortable.

 

A relationship matures when you can allow the other person to be who he or she is. If your mother criticizes everybody and you can’t accept this, your life may be dominated by your attempt to stop her (and everybody else, for that matter) from criticizing anything or anyone. Once you can let your mother be a person who’s critical—in other words, accept that she is who she is—you don’t have to fight it or organize your life around it.

Michael P. Nichols

 

How This Shows Up In My Life 

 

Ohhhh…I wish I could say that I’ve become a successful listener and really do this most of the time. The truth is that I struggle with being present with my loved ones all the time. I get triggered and instantly start to lawyer up.

The shift in me is that I can sometimes notice when I’m doing this and slow down and open my heart. When I do this the energy in the room changes and there is a much better chance that what ever is being argued or fought about will find a resolution.

The most common strategy I see in my practice is people organizing around their partner’s behaviors and trying and get them to change so that they can then be good partners.  I also did this for much of my marriage. Now my goal is to focus on me. I intend each day to listen with a present open heart for the good of my partner and the good of our relationship. My goal is not to win the argument but to understand my partner and learn more about who she is as a person.

As I type this all I can think about are the times I have failed. I also can recall times that have gone well. I believe we are always doing the best we can with the resources we have in our lives. Don’t let yourself off the hook…and be patient. Little micro changes over a long time bring you to a new way of listening.

If you or someone you know is struggling with how to listen effectively I encourage you to reach out.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Nichols, Michael, P. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

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]]> 49811 Fathers: How To Deal With Disrespect from Your Kids https://brassballstenderheart.com/disrespect-kids-fathers/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/disrespect-kids-fathers/#respond Thu, 25 Feb 2021 19:00:38 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49707 Fathers and their children have a unique relationship, one that each hopes is built on trust and respect. What can you do when you feel your kids have lost that respect for you? Can you ever get it back?    In one of my other blogs, I mentioned that kids process bad behavior and events...

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Fathers and their children have a unique relationship, one that each hopes is built on trust and respect. What can you do when you feel your kids have lost that respect for you? Can you ever get it back? 

 

In one of my other blogs, I mentioned that kids process bad behavior and events faster than the good ones. Keep that in mind when your child behaves disrespectfully towards you. 

 

Some examples of why your child’s attitude can get bad over time are:

 

  1. Rules without relationship. That is, being too strict or harsh and not connecting heartfully.
  2. Inconsistency. Mom and Dad confuse their children when all they do is disagree when it comes to the rules.
  3. All you say to them is “no.”
  4. Discipline with level 10 anger.
  5. Unrealistic expectations. Again, TOO strict is a thing.
  6. Favoritism or comparison.
  7. Never admitting when you are wrong.
  8. Hypocrisy, example; ‘Don’t text and drive but it’s okay when I do it’.
  9. Not allowing your child to speak up.
  10. Demanding respect.

 

What To Do if Your Kid is Giving You Disrespect

 

If you read those examples and identified with any of them, know that you need to change a few of your ways in order to be respected without actually demanding and asking for it. 

 

Consider these tips:

 

  1. Don’t take it personally. I know this is very hard, but keep in mind that when you feel disrespected, it’s because your child is growing, going through something, and possibly seeing these behaviors elsewhere. 
  2. Be prepared. If it already happened once, know it’s not the last time. It’s part of growing or being a parent. Consider all these tips in order to make the disrespect less frequent.
  3. Plan ahead and avoid arguing/fighting. If your child says something rude and tries to pull you into a fight, make it clear that they are doing wrong, and walk away. Go outside and take a breath.Do whatever relaxes you the most.
  4. Be determined. If you care about you and your child’s well being, give your best effort in changing the negativity.
  5. Be a teacher and a coach. Remember that your kids are looking up to you and that you are their first example in life. Give them tips and advice whenever you have the chance, and if they seem to be going through something, let them know that you are there. 

 

You, as a parent, need to guide them and teach them right from wrong. This will lead them to a healthier, successful life. I know it can get overwhelming, but it will all be worth it if you keep your head up. 

 

About Brass Balls Tender Heart | Counseling for Men and Fathers in Denver, CO

 

Bryce Mathern, LPC is a men’s therapist in the Denver metro area. As the owner and founder of Brass Balls Tender Heart Counseling and Coaching for Men, Bryce helps Dads gain respect, live boldly, and fine tune their sensitivity in order to create amazing relationships. Ready to start making a new life and getting everything you want? Click here to find a time for a session.

 

Links and Further Reading on Disrespect and Kids for Parents:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-great-parents-do/201503/4-reasons-kids-stop-respecting-their-parents

https://www.charismamag.com/life/women/26565-10-reasons-your-children-don-t-respect-you

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-or-teen-5-things-not-to-do-as-a-parent/

https://www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-deal-with-disrespectful-children-1094948

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