“A man’s friendships may be one of his most valuable—and underutilized—resources for helping him experience and learn how to be close to others.”

Robert Garfield

Prior to the pandemic I ran a men’s group for over two years. In this group setting I witnessed the power of men coming together and sharing their deep pain and regrets to other men. It amazed me how open and responsive men could be towards each other. What also struck me was how men talked with ease, while also explaining that they didn’t talk about these issues anywhere else. Rarely did these men share their vulnerable issues with their significant others. These men, and I believe, many men in our culture, are desperate for a place to let out their emotional struggles. I believe male friendship can be one of the most important elements of men’s lives. Yet it is also a time when so many men are feeling extremely isolated. Why is friendship hard for men? What needs to happen to cultivate friendship? Here are my thoughts.

Why Do Men Need Each Other?

“It is of vital importance that a man access the mature masculine archetypes through other men as well as within himself. Male bonding is a familiar idea in our culture. It is a nearly universal behavioral pattern found in the vast majority of cultures in all historical epochs.” (Moore and Douglas, 1992)

If there is one thing that I found surprising when I was running my men’s group was the willingness of men to listen to the leadership of other men. Men would talk about their professional and personal lives, providing intimate details of their failings. The other men in the group would listen with care. Afterwards the man that was receiving the care would often feel much better at having been witnessed in the masculine energy of the group. Other men would often empathize and meet the vulnerability with a clear, “you are not the only one.”

The thing that surprised me was how men would then call each other out to be better. This is not something I encouraged…it just happened. It was as if men wanted to be challenged by the group to become better in their lives.

After over a decade of listening to men struggle in their relationships with other people I have wondered why it is so much easier for men to take feedback from men who they barely know than from their intimate partners.

What I have come to conclude is that when men take feedback from women they often feel the shame of feeling like a failure. This leads men to shut down rather than step up.

When men come together in friendship they provide a space to be themselves and to playfully explore their current difficulties without the shame that shows up in relationships with women. This provides so many opportunities for men to grow and evolve. This is why men need each other.

Why Is It Hard For Men To Create Friendships?

The struggle men have to expose themselves in friendship settings is one of the painful elements of our culture. For many men expressing vulnerability in relationships is something that is taken away from them by cultural norms very early in life.

In her book Deep Secrets: Boy’s Friendships And The Crisis Of Connection, author Niobe Way has done research on how boys pull away from the intimacy of their early friendships in order to meet the expectations of the culture around them. When boys initially talk about their friends they describe them in impassioned intimate ways. It goes against any idea of boys being highly competitive and emotionally stoic.

According to Dr. Way, who has studied boy’s friendships extensively, early adolescent boys must reduce their interest in their close friends in order to fit in. This leads to a slow hollowing of the adolescent boy’s emotional range and capacity to develop intimacy in all relationships.

“In our twenty-first-century American culture, in which vulnerable emotions and same-sex intimacy are perceived as girlish and gay’, heterosexual boys are described as uninterested in having intimate male friendships, and the stereotype that boys are “only interested in one thing” is perpetuated.” (Way, 2013)

This is what happens to young boys on their way to manhood.

Their hearts are crushed as they must limit their desire for closeness with their friends. This enculturation leads boys to repress and ignore their inner world and avoid emotional intimacy. According to Dr. Way, this process starts in early adolescence (ages 14 to 15) and is fully formed by the end of adolescence in the mid-20s. By this age boys are behaving like many of the cultural stereotypes associated with acceptable male behavior.

It is only in modern era America and in countries that are heavily influenced by American culture that boys’ emotional and social skills and their intimate same-sex friendships are ignored or dismissed as female…or gay. (Way, 2013)

With this as the developmental backdrop for boys it is not hard to understand why many men find friendships to be less than supportive. Men have grown up in a world where relationships with other males is often one of competitiveness and superficial activity. Heterosexual men who desire more depth in their relationships often turn to female partnerships. As a result, many heterosexual relationships are strained by the men needing all of their emotional sustenance from their partners.

Men put too many of their (shall we say) ‘emotional eggs’ in a woman’s basket ―Daniel Ellenberg, Ph.D.

But this isn’t the answer to the problem. I believe that men truly need each other to grow and thrive. Men need to find each other in a new way through friendships that allows for greater levels of emotional intimacy.

The Challenge For Male Friendship

In understanding how boys develop we see the challenges men have in fostering the closeness they want in, not just male friendships, but in relationships in general. This is the crisis of connection that many men feel in their lives.

Men with partners and children struggle to understand how to engage with the people they love in an emotionally intimate way. This leads to shame and emotional isolation for many men who put much of their focus on the things they are good at which usually involves their professional life.

For a lot of men today, friendship is a kind of afterthought, subordinated to other life priorities. Spending time with a friend is something you might do after you complete your job duties, spend some quality time with your wife and kids, squeeze in a few regular visits to the gym, and enjoy a little time to chill with yourself. (Garfield, 2015)

Men often don’t see friendship as a critical piece of their lives. Growing up with a deficit of emotional intimacy seems normal and how men are supposed to be. This is the deep level of pain that men carry into all their relationships. A longing for deeper connection and a self-imposed cultural lid on that desire.

I believe that men want more depth in their friendships but they fear asking for this. They can’t show more vulnerability because it will expose them as weak and unmanly. I see this all around me as I walk by other men or have clumsy interactions with men in social settings. It is safer to act like you don’t give a shit rather than really engage someone you think may offer you connection.  And yet…I also sense the loneliness that comes with refusing to foster any form of affinity with someone they feel an interest in.

How To Cultivate Friendships

One of the challenges that men struggle in forming more friendships is the ability to nourish relationships in general. I’m going to be honest and say that women are just better at this than men are for lots of reasons. Our first experience with friendship is meeting someone on the playground and noticing they like to play kickball like us. After a few games they are our best friends. If it was still this easy you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

What does it mean to nourish a relationship?

First, it means making the relationship a priority. This means seeing this person on a regular basis. It doesn’t mean waiting for the other person to call or reach out. Yet it does mean letting go of your pride and leading the relationship by calling when they don’t. It also means being patient and not giving up if things don’t go right at first. Keep encouraging more connection with a new friend (or long-term friend you’ve fallen out of touch with) until it starts to become more habitual.

The second part of this is showing emotional vulnerability in the relationship. I can recall, in the men’s group I ran, I shared something vulnerable. One of the men, who was attending his second group, pointed out that my willingness to share freely allowed him to feel safe to share his struggles. There is no guarantee that you will be met with acceptance and care when you share something vulnerable. However, I will guess that if there is no sharing of this type of heartfelt connection the friendship will eventually fizzle out. It’s worth the risk.

“We can’t really be known unless we’re willing to be open. That means not that we disclose ourselves all at once, but that we don’t try to mask who we are, whether with toughness, masculinity or success. We want the real deal! Your friends want to know you, not anyone you’re pretending to be.” (Evensen, 2019)

The third area that needs to be worked on is dealing with conflict. This means that when there is a break in the relationship because one friend hurts another friend it needs to be dealt with in a reasonable time frame. I have had friends approach me about a break in our relationship that happened years before. They had just now mustered up the courage to tell me they cared about me enough to talk to me about it. On one hand I appreciate that they finally did…but years later? Come on…talk about things that didn’t go right. Maybe your friend flaked on an event that you needed him to show up for. Say “that isn’t okay…I needed you there.” A friend says some cruel things about your partner. Say, “hey man, I respect your point of view…but that feels  too harsh and I need you to talk about my partner in a more respectful way.” By not doing this you run the risk of all of these breaks in the relationship starting to erode the good will.

If you are feeling isolated in your life these three points aren’t going to magically allow you to have more supportive friendships in your life. It is a starting point to think about how you show up in your relationships right now. Consider why you don’t reach out to a friend of 10 plus years? What are you not giving or getting from the relationship? How would you like it to change? Are there other men in your life that may offer you something with more emotional depth?

How This Shows Up In My Life.

I can relate to the painful loss of closeness I felt with friends at an early age. I recall the fear of being called a wimp, sissy or fag because of my desire to be close to the brothers I called friends. This wasn’t conscious in the way that I thought it through and planned to be less affectionate or connected to my male friends. It was this slow closing off of my tenderness towards them.

Over the years I have consciously shifted to get this back with my close friends. I’m truly blessed to have a wonderful group of men in my life that are willing to open up with me and be emotionally intimate.

There have been a number of times where I have discovered friends that are struggling (often in relationships with women) and can only give me a superficial indication of what is happening. When I ask questions and create safety for them to tell me how they are feeling, our bond deepens in significant ways.

In my professional life I meet men of various backgrounds who struggle to open up emotionally. The primary reason they often cite is they are afraid to be shamed for being weak. Over several sessions they begin to show themselves in ways that they have not been able to ever show another man. This is a realization that men are not less emotional or more stoic than women. It is the reality that men are forced into this cultural trap that pushes emotion to the farthest place of awareness for many men.

It is this emotional intimacy that men must begin to call back from their pre-adolescence period, so they can find themselves and become whole again. Men must do this together in community and friendship so that we can all start to believe in a new form of male bonding that allows us  to show our tender hearts to each other.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Evensen, Kim. (2019). Brothers: Every man needs strong, authentic friendships. Self Published.

Garfield, Robert. (2015). Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship. Avery Publishing. New York, NY.

Goldfarb, Anna. (2024). Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

Moore, Robert L and Gillette, Douglas. (1992). The King Within: Accessing the King in the Male Psyche. William Morrow. New York, NY.

Moore, Lane. (2023). You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult. Abrams Books. New York, NY.

Vellos, Kat. (2020). We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships. Self-published.

Way, Niobe. (2013). Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection. Harvard University Press. Boston, MA.

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Creating and maintaining the erotic, deep, sensual excitement in a relationship gets in the way of creating the safety and security that the relationship also needs. To maintain that seductive element in the relationship it is important not to allow for the fusion of both partners. When two members of this interconnection lose themselves in this bond they can no longer feel the passionate energy they need to desire each other.

What is eroticism? The erotic is a way of accessing that wild primal side of ourselves that can get lost in the safety and security we often feel in our modern world today. In the moment the erotic is felt there is a desire that bubbles up in your body that pushes you to move towards your partner. It is the feeling that you have that drives us towards being sexual. It is the turn on in our bodies. Without this feeling we can lose our deeper drive towards one another and end up like roommates. The erotic can feel quite vulnerable. This is why it often is not completely expressed. How do you tell your partner that you want to have sex? Do you say something? Do you do something? If this causes a little bit of uncertainty that is what I’m talking about. That feeling that I don’t want to create discomfort in our relationship by letting my partner know I’m feeling horny.   Why do we need to be separate to be erotically connected? Separateness in relationships is essential for our ability to feel connection. If we are completely bound together, who do we connect with? There is nobody to bind ourselves…because the relationship is one person. In order to have a deeper relationship that involves the erotic couples must first learn to feel their separation. …separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex. (Perels, 2009) Often the way people become enmeshed is through a sense of codependency. Codependency is when we often will take responsibility for our partner’s feelings at the expense of my own. Any thought of “I have to make her/him happy,” is moving into co-dependent relating. Often, it can seem like trying to help someone, but it is really a covert way of controlling another person. When someone is feeling a lot of activation in their bodies and witnessing this feels uncomfortable, the way out of this is to make them stop. One way to do this is to cheer them up or to shame them for how they are feeling “why are you so angry?” In codependent relationships the compulsive ways that couples feel the need to diminish themselves in order to be “good enough” for their partners can extinguish the flame of wanting each other sexually. When we are committed to being what our partner wants us to be we stop being who we are in order to become what we think is acceptable to our lover. Over time we lose touch with who we really are. The erotic gets pushed down along with our authentic expression. In separateness, the relationship can allow for the emotional intensity of the relationship. Both partners can tolerate their own feelings that come up when they see their partner in distress and not attempt to get out of it. When you don’t have to take responsibility for the other person’s feelings you can feel your individuality. When you feel more distinction in the relationship it allows for the erotic to have more space to emerge. If you don’t have to worry about hurting the other person then you can allow your erotic drive to push forward not needing to keep it vanilla and safe. If it gets uncomfortable then things can slow down or change course but that titillating feeling can drive into the mystery of what you feel drawn to. Erotic passion is a selfish spark that pulls one towards what they crave. If the relationship is only concerned with making sure everyone feels okay there is little room for sexy energy to emerge. The electricity in a couples erotic connection flows most freely when they are not entangled, but rather feel themselves as two distinct, separate poles, man and woman.  (Welwood, 1992)   How to create more erotic energy. To begin with you have to work at it. You can’t accept a sexless life or a very mechanical sex life. You must talk about this vulnerable issue and start to work through what is not working. The problem arises when they become trapped in a linear, goal-oriented focus on intercourse and orgasm that bypasses eroticism. (Perel, 2009) The other important element of creating more erotic energy is acknowledging the differences. In all relationships, whether homosexual or heterosexual, there is a masculine partner and a feminine partner. Without this energetic distinction there is no pull towards each other. It is the idea of having two Yang energies go towards each other. This doesn’t work. It is important to acknowledge how these energies work in the erotic setting. The masculine energy (which may be a man or woman) when it is fully expressed from a being who feels this energy at the root of their essence is leading the sexual experience. This doesn’t mean there is lots of communication between both partners but the feminine (which may be a man or a woman) wants to feel that ground of presence and leadership that creates that deep polarity of attraction. In some ways our cultures desire to create equality has pushed out the awareness of these differences. When we focus on fostering equalness at the expense of differences we lose that seductive energy between the masculine and feminine. Couples who water down their differences, overemphasizing how they are both “just people” or “pals,” create a unisex blandness that lacks passion and vigor. (Welwood, 1992). This leads to uncertainty in what is happening in the sexual arena. Who is supposed to initiate? Is it okay for a man to ravage his woman in a heterosexual relationship? Is that too domineering? I want to make it clear that this does not mean men are in charge and dictating what happens. I know the historical and current way in which men have and can dominate our culture and society in many ways. What I am talking about is not unhealthy patriarchal control but instead an allowance of these essential energies to emerge in the erotic setting and be allowed to express themselves.   So to find our genuine, powerful male or female energies, we need to reconnect with the wild, elemental spirit that lives in us, underneath all our civilized facades. The human spirit, despite centuries of superficial domestication, retains a fundamentally wild quality. It is wild in the way that wind, rain and sun are, wild in this sense meaning untampered with; as it is, in itself.” This elemental wildness is not something crude or primitive. It is, rather, a reality beyond personality or conditioning: the god or goddess living and moving deep within, whose power nourishes us like a clear, pristine underground spring. (Welwood, 1992)   How this shows up in my life. I do believe that my work on getting out of the co-dependent relationship that I had with my partner has really allowed me to feel a deeper connection with her. The belief that I was somehow responsible for her happiness was crippling me in how I showed up in the relationship. As this has allowed more separateness I have found more room for our erotic connection. The other work I have been doing is really finding the role of my masculine in my family. This means taking the lead in my marriage and with my kids. It doesn’t mean waiting on the sidelines for my wife or kid to figure it out but going directly into the discomfort of what is happening with as much compassion and presence as I can muster. This has also translated into my leading in the sexual realm and not waiting for some signal that it is okay to proceed. I can express my desire and if that is not met with desire on my partner’s end…that’s okay. Since I’m not enmeshed emotionally with her I can feel the disappointment and move on. There is much less on the line when I move towards her. I’m not always doing this perfectly and there are times when I don’t fully embrace my masculine leadership or I do get caught up in the co-dependent energy in my marriage. However, the work I have done has helped to support a more vibrant sexual energy in my marriage. If I can do it, so can you.   If you or someone you know wants to learn how to create a stronger sexual connection I encourage you to reach out. Wishing You The Day You Need To Have! References: Perel, Esther. (2009). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York, NY. HarperCollins. Schnarch, David. (2010). Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing your Relationship. New York, NY. Harper-Collins. Welwood, John. (1990). Journey Of The Heart: The Path Of Conscious Love. New York, NY. Harper-Collins.

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Often it’s a burden. Not, perhaps, the perfunctory attention we grant as part of the give-and-take of everyday life. But the sustained attention of careful listening—that takes strenuous and unselfish restraint. To listen well we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person’s need for attention.

Michael P. Nichols

It is important to acknowledge that in order to be a better listener we need to be very generous with our mental resources. So how do we become more generous with our mental energy so that we can listen better? We have to decide to do it. We have to be intentional. Set an intention each day that you will be generous with your partner/loved one and work to be more present with them. The intention will continually focus you towards doing the thing you are intending more often.

Acceptance

The value of acceptance is that it allows us to stop fighting what is. It doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and encourage our loved ones to treat us better. Acceptance is allowing, in the moment, what is happening. I think it also comes into play in how we listen to each other. For a long time I wanted my partner to talk to me in a certain way. I would groan and send all kinds of non-verbal feedback to her that her way of saying things wasn’t okay with me. I wasn’t listening to her words often I was just pissed that she talked to me a certain way.

What I have tried to do (sometimes successfully and sometimes not) lately is accept that she sometimes expresses herself in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I may offer some boundary if it feels extreme but mostly I’ve worked to be okay with her voice inflection and volume. What this has done is it has allowed me to settle into the conversation more without trying to control her way of talking. This has allowed her to feel more seen and listened to and actually changed the way she talks to me. Funny isn’t it? When we accept people as they are they start to feel safer around us and they don’t need to express themselves in ways that feel uncomfortable.

A relationship matures when you can allow the other person to be who he or she is. If your mother criticizes everybody and you can’t accept this, your life may be dominated by your attempt to stop her (and everybody else, for that matter) from criticizing anything or anyone. Once you can let your mother be a person who’s critical—in other words, accept that she is who she is—you don’t have to fight it or organize your life around it.

Michael P. Nichols

How This Shows Up In My Life 

Ohhhh…I wish I could say that I’ve become a successful listener and really do this most of the time. The truth is that I struggle with being present with my loved ones all the time. I get triggered and instantly start to lawyer up.

The shift in me is that I can sometimes notice when I’m doing this and slow down and open my heart. When I do this the energy in the room changes and there is a much better chance that what ever is being argued or fought about will find a resolution.

The most common strategy I see in my practice is people organizing around their partner’s behaviors and trying and get them to change so that they can then be good partners.  I also did this for much of my marriage. Now my goal is to focus on me. I intend each day to listen with a present open heart for the good of my partner and the good of our relationship. My goal is not to win the argument but to understand my partner and learn more about who she is as a person.

As I type this all I can think about are the times I have failed. I also can recall times that have gone well. I believe we are always doing the best we can with the resources we have in our lives. Don’t let yourself off the hook…and be patient. Little micro changes over a long time bring you to a new way of listening.

If you or someone you know is struggling with how to listen effectively I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Nichols, Michael, P. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

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Fathers and their children have a unique relationship, one that each hopes is built on trust and respect. What can you do when you feel your kids have lost that respect for you? Can you ever get it back? 

In one of my other blogs, I mentioned that kids process bad behavior and events faster than the good ones. Keep that in mind when your child behaves disrespectfully towards you. 

Some examples of why your child’s attitude can get bad over time are:

1. Rules without relationship. That is, being too strict or harsh and not connecting heartfully.
2. Inconsistency. Mom and Dad confuse their children when all they do is disagree when it comes to the rules.
3. All you say to them is “no.”
4. Discipline with level 10 anger.
5. Unrealistic expectations. Again, TOO strict is a thing.
6. Favoritism or comparison.
7. Never admitting when you are wrong.
8. Hypocrisy, example; ‘Don’t text and drive but it’s okay when I do it’.
9. Not allowing your child to speak up.
10. Demanding respect.

What To Do if Your Kid is Giving You Disrespect

If you read those examples and identified with any of them, know that you need to change a few of your ways in order to be respected without actually demanding and asking for it. 

Consider these tips:

1. Don’t take it personally. I know this is very hard, but keep in mind that when you feel disrespected, it’s because your child is growing, going through something, and possibly seeing these behaviors elsewhere. 
2. Be prepared. If it already happened once, know it’s not the last time. It’s part of growing or being a parent. Consider all these tips in order to make the disrespect less frequent.
3. Plan ahead and avoid arguing/fighting. If your child says something rude and tries to pull you into a fight, make it clear that they are doing wrong, and walk away. Go outside and take a breath.Do whatever relaxes you the most.
4. Be determined. If you care about you and your child’s well being, give your best effort in changing the negativity.
5. Be a teacher and a coach. Remember that your kids are looking up to you and that you are their first example in life. Give them tips and advice whenever you have the chance, and if they seem to be going through something, let them know that you are there. 

You, as a parent, need to guide them and teach them right from wrong. This will lead them to a healthier, successful life. I know it can get overwhelming, but it will all be worth it if you keep your head up. 

About Brass Balls Tender Heart | Counseling for Men and Fathers in Denver, CO

Bryce Mathern, LPC is a men’s therapist in the Denver metro area. As the owner and founder of Brass Balls Tender Heart Counseling and Coaching for Men, Bryce helps Dads gain respect, live boldly, and fine tune their sensitivity in order to create amazing relationships. Ready to start making a new life and getting everything you want? Click here to find a time for a session.

Links and Further Reading on Disrespect and Kids for Parents:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-great-parents-do/201503/4-reasons-kids-stop-respecting-their-parents

https://www.charismamag.com/life/women/26565-10-reasons-your-children-don-t-respect-you

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-or-teen-5-things-not-to-do-as-a-parent/

https://www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-deal-with-disrespectful-children-1094948

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Knowing the deep healing that comes from touch that is not demanding or aggressive is something many boys and men lose in their early lives.  It is a loss that we need to rediscover.  

Learning to touch

I spent a part of my life learning about healing touch. As a trained Feldenkrais practitioner my touch allowed me to listen to another person’s experience. I learned from this how powerful touch can be in bringing about healing.

The process of learning this was coming to a place in myself where I had to let go of the fear of being inappropriate with someone I was touching. Before this experience I yearned to show affection and receive it in return.  However, I was afraid that touching others (especially women) would be misinterpreted and thought of as sexual. Yet there was this longing to connect with another in this way.

When touching is uncomfortable.

I remember working at an alternative high school in Red Hook Brooklyn and teaching students whose lives were generally in crisis. They showed up to school with the deep wounding of being the children of drug addicted parents and suffering other abuses. For many of them it was uncomfortable to have any contact because it was usually associated with pain. I recall one student, a young woman, who I would gently place my hand on her upper back as I explained some math problem. Depending on her mood she would demand that I take my hand away. “Why are you always touching people?” she would ask.

I know now how important important it is to respect the boundaries of the people in my life. My tendency to touch was not always welcome. I would take this personal in the past. Now I realize that for many people there are wounds associated with inappropriate touch. When this happens any touch, no matter how loving, can be interpreted as invasive.

As I have grown older and come to a better place with myself I tend to reach out to my family and friends with lots of hugs and contact.  It feels soothing to my system and, I believe, to their system as well. There are moments though when I pull back, uncertain of how someone will take my affections.

Teaching boys touch.

I still worry about touch with men. Not wanting to get labeled as “gay,” I usually start with the handshake upon meeting a man. I feel guilty typing this. I worry that they will not meet me with the same level of affection that I bring to the hug. So I put out my hand in the hopes that they will feel more comfortable and I won’t feel denied.
I think that boys and men are truly longing to feel the safe, gentle touch of other men. I once spoke at a music festival in Colorado.  At the end of the talk, the men who had attended  all got in a circle and we placed our arms around each other. It was spontaneous and beautiful. I could really feel the connection to these men in that short moment.

I believe for many boys growing up in this culture there is a message that their touch is not welcome. Wether it is coming from girls or parents, boys are often shamed for their attempts to connect through touch. This forces the capacity to touch out of young boys early on. The thought of being creepy is enough to deny any impulse to touch someone.

In an article in the Good Men Project, author Mark Greene, expresses the dilemma for men and touch.

Not only do we men distrust others in this muddled realm of physical touch, years of shaming and judgement have left us distrusting ourselves. Did I enjoy that too much? Am I having taboo thoughts? This distrust leaves us uncertain about touching another human being unless we have established very clear rules of engagement. Often we give up and simply reduce those rules to being in a relationship. We allow ourselves long-lasting comforting touch with our girlfriends or boyfriends. The vast universe of platonic human touch is suddenly reduced to the exclusive domain of one person and is blended into the sexual. That’s a lot of need to put on one person, however loving and generous they might be.

Regaining affectionate touch.

The challenge is to find ways that touch can be brought back into our lives in a way that feels satisfying. More and more the people in my life that I care about are more than willing to hug and receive my touch. My initial discomfort is usually unfounded. When I am able to show affection to a close friend I notice an ease and deeper presence with them.

I believe that men in general are needing ways to discover closeness with each other. I think the lack of touch contributes to the lack of closeness.

We can regain touch by experimenting with it. What is it like to be having a conversation with a good friend and to place your hand on their back for a moment? Was it received? Was it denied? What did you feel?

What is it like to hold your partner’s hand as you are sitting at the movie? Does it feel neutral? Do you feel more connected to him or her?

How is it to touch your adolescent son or daughter? If they are of the opposite sex do you notice any inhibition? What emotions come up for you as a father touching your daughter or son?

Why does a father stop showing his daughter affection after she starts becoming a young woman? Why does a father stop hugging his son after he leaves home? Why does a mother stop cuddling with her son once he reaches puberty?

Through greater awareness we get to notice our own issues around touch.

How this shows up for me.

I really believe that many people out there are touch starved. At times I feel this way. The longing for more touch is often present with me. Our culture has set some strong boundaries around inappropriate touch for good reason. But what about appropriate touch? Where is the line?

My hope is to take more risks and to show those around me that touch can be appropriate and socially connecting. This takes a lot of awareness and attunement to the person you are considering touching. You want to make sure you have established a rapport that feels connecting and safe. To provide appropriate touch you need to tune into yourself and make sure that the impulse to touch is coming from a place of care and integrity.

I think this can be difficult at first but over time it can be worth the effort because touch can bring a much deeper connection with the people we care about.

If this article is intriguing and you are needing support around something please schedule a free 30 minute consultation with me.

I Wish You The Day You Need To Have – Bryce Mathern, LPC, Owner, Brass Balls Tender Heart

Resources:

Greene, Mark. (2018, June). The Lack Of Gentle Platonic Touch In Men’s Lives Is A Killer. Retrieved from: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/megasahd-the-lack-of-gentle-platonic–touch-in-mens-lives-is-a-killer/

Greene, Mark. (2016). Remaking Manhood: Stories From the Front Lines of Change. Scotts Valley, CA. Create Space Publishing.

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The Coward Of The County

Growing up in Montana I had the pleasure of listening to a lot of Kenny Rodgers. My mom was a big fan and I recall her attending one of his concerts. One thing Kenny Rodgers could do was tell a good story.

One of my all-time favorite songs was Coward Of The County.

The story is of a young boy who grows up with a violent father who continually gets in brawls and eventually dies in a jail cell when the young boy, Tommy, is ten years old.

Before he dies Tommy’s father tells him to take a different path in life so that he doesn’t end up like his father. Tommy follows his dad’s words which leads him to become the coward of the county. Tommy continually backs down from conflict and doesn’t stand up to other boys.

Eventually, Tommy is pushed to the limit by the Gatlin boys for assaulting his love, Becky.

Tommy opened up the door, and saw his Becky crying
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand 

In this moment Tommy decides that he must let go of his father’s past and become the man he needs to become to protect the woman he loves.

In the end Tommy cleans up on the Gatlin brothers.

Twenty years of crawling was bottled up inside him
He wasn’t holding nothin’ back, he let ’em have it all
When Tommy left the barroom, not a Gatlin boy was standing
He said, “this one’s for Becky, as he watched the last one fall
Tommy speaks to his father to let him know that he still honors his desire for Tommy to live a different life but he must become his own man.

I promised you, Dad, not to do the things you’ve done
I walk away from trouble when I can
Now please don’t think I’m weak, I didn’t turn the other cheek
And papa, I sure hope you understand
Sometimes you gotta fight when you’re a man

Childhood strategies

Tommy was very aware of his father’s words and he chose to try and live a different life. He also was well aware of the moment he knew he couldn’t continue to live that life.

Childhood strategies are often not something we notice happening in our lives. This is because we often make these decisions out of our conscious awareness. They happen in our implicit brain based more on sensation and feeling than logical thinking.

A good example of a childhood strategy that I see often in my clients is the limitation of emotions. When kids grow up in a family system that is scary or repressive, they will often limit their full range of emotions. If a child is continually admonished for showing his anger this will lead the child to stop experiencing his anger.

A child does this by keeping his mind away from his inner experience through cognitive distraction. The child thinks about other things when he gets angry and acts like everything is fine. Other children, may actually dissociate from themselves in order to feel safe again.

This will then show up for adults. However, after years of doing this most adults are not aware it is happening.

Getting out of childhood strategies

The way that we end these childhood strategies is through awareness. When we can finally see how these strategies limit our humanity we can shift towards new behaviors.

For many of my clients this comes about from seeing how they repress their authentic experience. They start to realize how limiting this is in the rest of their lives and they commit to modifying it.

Being with the younger self.

Another part of healing these strategies is finding access to the 7 year old that still believes that this strategy is what is keeping them safe. Wether it is addiction or emotional repression or some other behavior that is no longer helpful, our younger self wants to keep the strategy going in order to control the environment they are in.

If emotional expression is not safe then the younger self will continually signal the adult self to not show or possibly even feel any emotions.

In order to change it is important to create a relationship with this younger self and help them to know that they are no longer in danger. The adult self soothes the younger self and helps them to experience the world differently.

As the younger self feels more safety the childhood strategy is usually no longer necessary.

How this shows up in my own life.

In my life, through therapy, I have learned about my own childhood strategies. One strategy that came up for me was the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s pain. As a sensitive kid I felt like I had to take care of the people in my family when they were feeling uncomfortable. I would try and distract them by being goofy and making everyone laugh. I still can remember a time when I was in a family therapy session and I was doing all I could to make my parents and sister laugh. The laughter made me feel safe. When they expressed their pain I felt scared.

So what is wrong with trying to lighten the mood and bring a little levity into the situation? The problem is that I wasn’t allowing myself to be in touch with how I authentically felt. I was trying to distract myself from my own discomfort and keep my family distracted as well.

As a result of this strategy I would take on co-dependent behaviors in relationships. I would be more attuned to the person than I was with myself. I was externally focused and trying to make them feel happy rather than dealing with what was really going on inside myself. This led to a lot of dissatisfying relationships.

By seeing this strategy and allowing my younger self to feel safe I don’t do this as much. It is hard to see the pain of my loved ones but I have learned that their pain is not my fault. This allows me to care for them — but not take responsibility for them.

If you or someone you know wants to change their childhood strategies I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

About the Author, Bryce Mathern, Owner of BrassBalls TenderHeart, a counseling and coaching practice for men in Denver.

Bryce believes that as men, we have to hide our emotions, according to society. Yet, when we break through that barrier, we become even bolder, more powerful, intuitive and emotionally intelligent. Coaching is a way for strong men to become even stronger and more clear on their lives. For more information and to schedule a consultation, click here.

The post Ending Our Old Childhood Strategies appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

As lovers we often believe that it is our connection that defines our relationship. However, it is the ability to connect and disconnect in graceful ways that allows a relationship to find its harmony. When two people can remove themselves from each other they are much more capable of coming back together. Too much connection can lead to a loss of each partner’s sense of self. Too much separation and the relationship starts to wither. The answer is learning how to dance with all of this. We call it the dance of intimacy.

Creating space.

In order to make a relationship work we must consider the space that is important to maintaining the relationship. What space is, is the time away and focus on one’s self. It is in no way a pulling away or a distancing which comes when a member of a relationship is hurt or angry.

The space we create is about allowing time for rejuvenation and support from other people.

When a relationship lacks space there is a need for the other person to meet all the needs of their partner. This is an impossible task and leads to unhealthy outcomes.

The goal is to have healthy time for connection with your partner that comes out of time alone or time with family and friends. When we can feel the support of our community it is much easier to enter into the connected space of intimate partnership.

Getting to know each other.

Working to know your partner’s needs is critical to creating the dance of intimacy. When we are curious about our partner’s hopes and dreams, aspirations and desires we can better understand what they need in the moment. Do they need more space? Are they in need of more connection?

The key is asking questions and remembering them. Some people have nervous systems that want connection when things are not working out and others have nervous systems that need to be left alone for a time. Knowing when to do this this is the tricky work of being a good partner.

It is imperative that each partner commit to knowing their partner fully so that they can insure they can support them the way they need to be supported.

Building connection.

For some of my clients this idea of “connection,” can feel abstract. What does my partner mean when they say, “I don’t feel connected to you?”

Here is what I will say about connection. You know it when you feel it. Moments of playfulness require connection. Intellectual discussions that allow the exchange of ideas require a connectedness.

When your partner walks in the room, notice if they are attentive to you. Do they look at you, notice you, or are they just in their own world. If they are not paying attention it is a good sign that the two of you are not connected.

Building connection is not about vacations and high intensity moments but more about the mundane moments of everyday life. It is the gentle touch as you pass your partner. It is the smile from across the room when you are both engaged in something else.

It is important to have an emotional response to feeling connected or not connected. When you feel this distance emerge with you partner you need to get back to connecting. Both partners must commit to reconnecting when the connection is lost.

Deeper intimacy.

When we show up with our partners with a healthy sense of our needs partly met by others, we can engage in the joy of being with someone we really love. This allows for the relationship to go deeper with intimacy and form stronger bonds.

However, if the relationship does not allow for other people to meet the needs of the members of the partnership the relationship can begin to feel burdensome and out of balance.

When there is awareness that the other person is being burdened by our needs it is important to reach out to others who can offer support and connection.

How this shows up in my life.

I often find it hard to balance the needs of my marriage with the needs of the rest of my supportive network. I tend towards putting so much into the main relationship that I lose the other relationships that help me thrive.

When I lose myself in my primary relationship I begin to ask too much of my wife. I start to feel needy and childlike, throwing tantrums when I don’t get what I want.

Recently I have been taking more time to be with friends who really help me feel supported. My wife has been wonderful about giving me the space to reach out to others. It is hard to take time away from us because it sometimes feels like we have such a limited time already.

What I notice is that when I separate for a time from my wife I feel refreshed and more present with her. I find myself coming to her with more curiosity and openness to her experience. The dance of intimacy is a must in my life.

If you or someone you know is struggling to balance this in their relationship I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Augustus Masters, Robert. (2015). To Be A Man: A Guide To True Masculine Power. Boulder, CO. Sounds True Publications.

About the Author

My name is Bryce Giron Mathern and I’m the owner of Brass Balls Tender Heart. I am a licensed therapist in the Denver Metro area. Being passionate and committed to helping my clients have amazing relationships with their partners, children and other family members is my thing.

I have spent a big chunk of my life learning the skills necessary to create healthy relationships. If you are struggling in a relationship I encourage you to reach out for help. I believe that through a process of healing old wounds and learning new skills people can build relationships that are nourishing and supportive.

The post The Dance Of Intimacy appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

So often we create quick narratives about people that we feel are causing us discomfort. Someone cuts in front of you in traffic and the narrative is that they are an entitled jerk. Someone snaps at you and you immediately assume the worst about them. This is how the fundamental attribution error works. We make stories up about people based on their character rather than the context of the situation. This also happens in our relationships and can have painful results.

Why we commit the fundamental attribution error.

Imagine yourself stuck in a traffic jam. You are feeling frustrated and hopeless about making it to your appointment. As this happens someone drives by you on the shoulder of the road. Immediately you feel as if they are unjustified for moving their vehicle forward when you are stuck. The frustration you were feeling now starts to create a story about the driver of this car. That person is wrong and they are the kind of person that doesn’t care about what is fair and right in the world. Can you relate to having done this at some point in your life?

The reason this happens is that our brains have a hard time taking in situational and behavioral information at the same time. Instead we choose one and often we focus our attention on the behavior rather than the situation. Once we are focused on the behavior it is not a far leap to start to characterize the person who committed the behavior as the problem.

The trouble with this type of reaction is that there are assumptions being made about someone’s character based on very little information. We assume broad personality traits based on one event.

It reminds me of a joke. A man is driving along a steep mountain road when another car comes by and the driver yells “pig,” at this man. The man is taken aback and cannot believe this person called him a pig. He begins to think of all the reasons the people in the passing car are terrible people. As the man goes around the next curve he runs into a pig.

It is not wrong to feel mistreated when someone commits a behavior that impacts you. By this I mean, takes the last cookie, or says something you find hurtful. The feelings are a natural response to what happened. However, when we go from the feeling to the narrative we get into some difficult territory.

Adding in more context.

As we walk into a store a person suddenly bumps into us. We are startled and our mind immediately wants to look to see the perpetrator. They may look back at us and apologize which only minimally reduces our outrage. As they walk away we begin to create a narrative of this person…clumsy, dumb, jerk, etc.

But is this a true picture of someone just misjudging the width of a door and assuming they could easily get through it as someone else is passing through? I’m guessing most people have accidentally bumped into someone at some point.

When we are aware of the fundamental attribution error we can add in more context. We can remind ourselves that most people are not trying to make our lives difficult. We can also provide better understanding when we recall having done similar things (e.g. bumping into people, cutting in line).

Give your partner a break.

Where I think awareness of this sociological issue can be helpful is in our partnerships. I know that for myself when I am hurt by my partner it is quite easy to create a story about something they did. If my wife is short with me I immediately start to form a narrative about the type of person she is. “She doesn’t get it, she is so unfair and rude…”

My goal is to slow down and notice my tendency to build this narrative and not actually believe it. I wish I could say I do this all the time but that would be a lie. The truth is that I am working on being more mindful of how I do this and letting the error I am believing pass through me without grasping on to it.

I have found that reminding myself of all of the wonderful characteristics of my partner can neutralize this momentary event. This is difficult in the moment but slowing it down helps me to see how unfair my overreaction is.

So take note of the fundamental attribution error and pay attention to how you may commit this. The next time your partner or child makes a snide remark give them a break. They may just be having a bad day.

If you or someone you know is struggling with relational issues I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Photo by Tyler Nix -Unsplash

About the author:

My name is Bryce Giron Mathern and I’m the owner of Brass Balls Tender Heart. I am a licensed therapist in the Denver Metro area. Being passionate and committed to helping my clients have amazing relationships with their partners, children and other family members is my thing.

I have spent a big chunk of my life learning the skills necessary to create healthy relationships. If you are struggling in a relationship I encourage you to reach out for help. I believe that through a process of healing old wounds and learning new skills people can build relationships that are nourishing and supportive.

The post Give Your Partner A Break: The Fundamental Attribution Error appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Find love and trust in your relationship again with Denver marriage and couples counseling. Trust can be broken and healed with support and therapy. Especially when both sides are in agreement and willing to make changes. Couples therapy can open the door to a healthy, positive and uplifting relationship again. At BrassBalls TenderHeart, Bryce Mathern, LPC helps men and women create amazing relationships again through mindfulness and deep introspection. 

Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Denver

Located in Cherry Creek, BrassBalls TenderHeart is a couples counseling center that meets you where you are at and helps you rediscover what made you fall in love in the first place, and how to get back there. Life happens. Yet if the love is strong underneath the conflict, counseling for couples can bring two people back together even stronger than before. It is truly possible when we let down our egos and put in the work of being tender, yet bold in what we each want in a relationship.

Become a power couple again. Beginning couples therapy is the first step toward a positive setting to grow in your relationship. Seeking “marriage counseling near me” or “couples counseling near me” is a sure sign that at least one person in your relationship is needing therapy and change. BrassBalls TenderHeart meets with individuals and couples to help with counseling that addresses the needs of both people in the relationship. The goal being to help them become stronger and find their voice (as well as the sensitivity needed) to become one again.

Restore Love and Trust at BrassBalls TenderHeart Counseling for Couples

Couples counseling and individual therapy can be daunting for men and women alike. You might be wondering how you can get your spouse or partner to even come to therapy. That’s where Brass Balls Tender Heart counseling is different. Bryce Mathern, LPC is focused on each of your unique personalities, needs, and goals in order to help you create better skills for communication and conflict resolution. 

Are kids in the picture? Counseling can help with the entire family dynamic to foster harmony and patience during difficult challenges in life. Before divorce, try couples counseling. Or, if you’re separated or divorced already, couples therapy can still help create an amazing relationship with your partner. Wherever you are in your relationship, having a conversation with an objective party (your therapist) can help ensure that progress is made. Instead of another unresolved fight. 

Individual and Relationship Therapy Begins Here

Men and women are invited to couples counseling one on one individually, or together as couple. You know which approach will be best for you. And at BrassBalls TenderHeart therapy, either one is a perfectly acceptable way to begin your process of healing the relationship. 

Ready to begin couples therapy at Brass Balls Tender Heart? Try starting with a complimentary consultation by phone. Just click here. 

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Your marriage is worth saving. You can learn to connect again with your husband or wife. In marriage counseling at Brass Balls Tender Heart, the focus is on each couple, appreciating your individuality and togetherness. Marriage therapy can help couples decide: Is this right for me? Is this right for us? And finally, is this right for our family?

BrassBalls TenderHeart Denver Marriage Counselor

Located in Cherry Creek, BrassBalls TenderHeart couples counseling was created by Bryce Mathern, LPC to help you create amazing relationships. If you’re struggling in your marriage, you know that the vows you took on wedding day have shifted and that your relationship is no longer serving you in the current state it is in. This means likely that every day is painful, upsetting, and that trust might be completely out the window at this point. Is there any way to recover your marriage after such a devastating blow or years of withdrawal? Marriage therapy can help you figure it out. 

Sometimes you need a marriage counselor to be an intermediary, a guide, and someone to hold one or the other accountable. Counseling for husbands and wives can also help keep the conversation limited (or expanded) to nearly a full hour. If one person in the relationship likes to “run away” from tough subjects, counseling helps literally keep it in the room. And, vice versa. If one person in the coupleship extends conversations all day long, or even occasionally becomes borderline verbally abusive, harassing, or simply negative, a marriage counselor can help to keep the mediation on point and focused. Your marriage counselor serves both of you, to help you toward the common goal of either reuniting or separating positively.

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving? Can You Rebuild?

If the answer to these questions comes to you right away as a resounding yes, then it is truly possible to fix your marriage. And, marriage counseling can help. If, on the other hand, you’re still unsure, then the same thing applies, marriage counseling can help. It’s worth taking a look at and trying “one last thing” before you separate in your marriage if that’s something that’s been on the table. Arguing with your spouse, disagreements over money, parenting, life in general, all the things that push us away from each other, are normal in life. It’s when communication breakdowns happen that we are unable to call our marriage a happy one and neither spouse is getting their needs met. 

Learn to Connect Again in Your Marriage with Couples Therapy

There are no downsides to therapy. You can either build a stronger relationship with yourself, or a better relationship with your spouse or partner. In either case, couples counseling helps you find a sense of peace and inner perspective that the everyday chaos of life simply doesn’t allow. You deserve to be happy in this lifetime, bottom line. And, if you think marriage counseling could be a step towards rediscovering yourself or reuniting with the former or current love of your life, your spouse, then it’s worth a try to see. BrassBalls TenderHeart marriage counseling is based on mindfulness, individuality, and respectful boldness. It’s not another session on a couch. It’s a look at lifestyle changes and awareness that can make your life one that you love living. 

Ready to look at marriage counseling? Simply click here to begin. 

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