“Interoception helps us ‘feel’ the inside of our body. It is the sensory system that gives us important clues about how we feel, both physically and emotionally.”

– Kelly Mahler

Interoception: Feeling Our Bodies

The ability to feel what’s happening inside our bodies is one of the more important biological functions for surviving. Unfortunately, in this hyper-cognitive time, many people lose this instinctive of body awareness. This can lead to less satisfaction in life because we are not able to naturally regulate our nervous systems with our awareness. Learning how to recognize what is happening inside us can lead to better decision making, less anxiety, and deeper connections with the people around us.

What is Interoception?

If you take a moment right now to bring your attention inward and feel the beating of your heart or the movement of your breath you are experiencing interoception. It is the awareness of our emotions and bodily experience. It is how we make sense of our emotions.

“For most people, their attention is directed towards exteroception stimulus. This is a stimulus outside of a person. Interoception is directing our attention inside and feeling a queasy stomach, a tight throat or a staticky feeling in the hands. All of this is information that the nervous system is attempting to bring attention to.”

– Emma Seppala, the author of The Happiness Track, wrote in a Psychology Today article about interoception.

Most of us prioritize externally oriented attention. When we think of attention, we often think of focusing on something outside of ourselves. We “pay attention” to work, the TV, our partner, traffic, or anything that engages our senses. However, a whole other world exists that most of us are far less aware of: an internal world, with its varied landscape of emotions, feelings, and sensations. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201212/the-brains-ability-look-within-secret-self-mastery)

When we have emotions they are not abstractions made up in our head. They are actually sensations in our bodies that indicate something is either safe or unsafe for us. We can experience a feeling of joyful elation when our body may have a warm lightness. We can also feel fear, which may show up as a furrowed brow and a holding of the breath. All of this is important information we can use to manage our lives.

How is looking inside helpful?

Interoception is important because it helps us tune into our emotional needs better. Instead of overriding our emotions and focusing attention just on thoughts we can cultivate the ability to feel what our nervous system is trying to tell us. This information can get overridden by the constant focus on thinking.

Emma Seppala speaks to this:

“Because we don’t pay as much attention to our internal world, it often takes us by surprise. We often only tune into our body when it rings an alarm bell –– that we’re extremely thirsty, hungry, exhausted or in pain. A flush of anger, a choked up feeling of sadness, or the warmth of love in our chest often appear to come out of the blue.” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201212/the-brains-ability-look-within-secret-self-mastery)

Mindful Regulation

When we are aware of the sensations in our nervous system awareness we can regulate ourselves much better. The moment we tune in to our bodies and what we are sensing or feeling our nervous system will start to calm down. This is mindfulness in the bodily form. Instead of noticing our breath we may be feeling a tightness in our chest, or tension in our bellies.

This is no different than using the breath as an object of attention. In many ways I think of it as listening to what our bodies are trying to tell us. The nervous system is sending us information and hoping we will pay attention. If we don’t pay attention the body will often increase the intensity of the signal.

However, if we slow down and pay attention our nervous system can relax knowing that we got the signal and it no longer has to continue to send it.

Improving Our Connections

A racing mind makes it difficult to listen or really notice how the people around us are feeling. When we show up in our relationships feeling more centered and regulated we are able to be present and engaged with the people around us. This allows for more empathy and a better sense of how to support the people we care about.

When we are tuned into our emotional world we are better able to connect with the people around us.

In her book, It’s Not Always Depression, Hilary Jacobs Hendel, explains the importance of emotional awareness:

“When we are out of touch with emotions, we suffer loneliness, because the connections to both ourselves and the people we care about are enriched through empathy, the emotional connector.” (Hendel, 2018).

Interoception is the way that we stay tuned into our emotions. Emotional intelligence and awareness is the way that we connect with other people. I can’t feel your sadness if I have no access to my own.

How This Shows Up in My Life

In my work with clients I focus a lot of the session on helping them to be more aware of their internal bodily experience. What I have noticed is that over time, clients start to feel more regulated in all aspects of their lives. At first they struggle with this new skill. Once they start to understand how emotional awareness can help them out of anxiety or depression they are more than willing to pay more attention.

Some of my clients struggle to feel safe in their relationships. When conflict arises they get overwhelmed with emotions. Oftentimes their nervous system defaults to defensiveness and emotional shutdown. As they learn this skill of being with their experience they can take greater responsibility for their own internal experience and not blame it on their partner. Little by little they start to stay in the conflict and offer more care and empathic responses. Often this has a significant impact on the satisfaction of their relationship.

In my own life I have worked hard to learn mindful regulation as well. When the people I love get upset I also get dysregulated. The more I have practiced the more I have learned to come into a better place. It gets easier and easier. I still get really upset at times but there are lots of times when I am able to hold space for the distress of a loved one and not have to fight back. Instead I listen and validate their experience, letting them know they matter to me even though we are in conflict.

Learning this skill has allowed me to show up as my best self more often than in the past. I’m not run by the ups and downs of the people around me but instead I have more control of how I step into my relationships.

When we succeed and connect with others in enriching ways, emotions such as joy and excitement propel us to engage further, so humans grow, expand, and evolve (Hendel, 2018).

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Hendel, Hillary Jacobs. (2018). It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self. New York, NY. Random House.

Seppala, Emma. (2012, December). “The Brain’s Ability to Look Within: A Secret to Self-Mastery.” Retrieved from URL: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201212/the-brains-ability-look-within-secret-self-mastery

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The Winter Solstice 

This day is one that I always appreciate. I love how the Northern Hemisphere is so bleak and at its darkest and suddenly the planet magically shifts back towards the light. Having lived in the Pacific Northwest for many years the days were so short during this time. Now, in Colorado, there is a bit more light but it always feels bleak around this time of the year.

I often hear people expressing dislike at the cold and lack of sun. I continually remind myself that we only have a few weeks and things will start to get better. Somehow the knowledge that the light will come back makes it easier for me to be in those darkest days.

Allowing the shadow in.

In my work with clients I’m often struck by how willing they are to step into their shadow parts and show their own darkness. Our shadow is the rejected parts of ourselves that show up in the form of grief or anger that were not fully expressed, These are the things about ourselves we don’t pay attention to and often don’t know are there.

Because of this lack of awareness it is our shadow that is running so much of our behavior.

An example is my own life is a feeling of intellectual inferiority. Growing up with a group of friends who often seemed to be my intellectual superior created in me a shadow part of believing I was not good enough in the realm of academics, processing thought and general debating. I had this fear that when I was talking, people around me were annoyed by my lack of knowledge.

In order to meet the needs of this shadow part of myself I began to obsessively work on becoming a “good enough thinker.” I read incessantly and when I’m not reading I’m trying to listen to audio books. This obsession comes out of an earlier wounding of feeling inferior.

Many of my friends would not agree with my interpretation of myself. However, since I didn’t deal with this feeling of not being good enough I am forced to live out certain behaviors to make up for it.

Stepping into the dark to find the light.

When I work with clients I often encourage them to go to places that are quite painful. I ask them to stay with memories, sensations and emotions that they find troubling. I do this because in bringing up their unacknowledged shadow they begin to free themselves from these unconscious behaviors.

In my case I began to see that my desire to learn was not about learning at all. I was attempting to prove to myself that I had intellectual value. As I began to bring awareness to this I started to find,  underneath my shadow, a deep confidence in my ability to think that had been masked over by my insecurity.

This is the light that lives in all of us. At our most basic essential self is our core goodness. This is who we are and who we also long to be. My core goodness had always been one of confidence.

When we commit to allowing the shadow to arise in us and let down our defensiveness we are committing to the soul work of coming home to ourselves.  This is not an easy journey but it is also the healing work that is done in psychotherapy.  Miriam Greenspan, in her book, Healing Through The Dark Emotions, explains this:

By learning how to attend to, befriend, and surrender to the energies of grief, despair, and fear, we create the conditions for something new to arise in ourselves and in the world. We discover an unexpected gateway to healing and transformation. We release ourselves from the strangled grip of pain into an amazing alchemy by which grief, despair, and fear are transmuted to gratitude, faith, and joy (Greenspan, 2004).

How this shows up in my life.

I don’t relish bringing up painful, sometimes traumatic, experiences for my clients. It is always hard to witness their anguish. Yet, I also hold them to this because I know of the, as Miriam Greenspan says, alchemy that being with our pain allows us to change.

In my life I continue to struggle with my own set of issues. My inability to handle my own pain and not want to project it on to others. My struggle to fully prioritize the relationships in my life that mean something to me. Getting lost in work and other silly things rather than being with those I truly care for.

The way through all of my issues is to turn towards them admit they are there with a vulnerable heart and to move towards my true self. I try and do this with patience.

If you are struggling right now with deep darkness in your life as a result of mental illness, aging, disease or loss I encourage you to be patient with yourself. Slowly, when the time comes, you can begin to turn towards your own darkness and bring forth your inner light.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the darkness of winter I encourage you to reach out.

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Resources:

Greenspan, Miriam. (20011). Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. Boulder, CO: Shambhala.

Masters, Robert Augustus: (2018) Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark: Breaking Free from the Hidden Forces That Drive You. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. 

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What would happen if we started to focus only on what we can control and let go of what we cannot?

It is so normal and common to want to control what happens around us. We want so desperately to know that we can count on people in our future. We want to know what is going to happen.

However, this illusion of control can lead to a lot of painful disruptions in our life. What would happen if we were able to step into that vulnerable place and accept that we are not as in control as we want to be?

Locus of Control: External or Internal

It is true that we do control part of our lives. We can decide what to eat for breakfast, how much time we spend with loved ones and the color of shoes we wear today. In the world of psychology, this is often called the locus of control. It is the perceived view of what we can manage in our lives. Some people tend to have an external locus of control and there are those with an internal locus.

Those people who see their world through an external locus of control look to external happenings as controlling their lives. They don’t believe they can make things happen because of what is happening outside of them. On the other hand, those with an internal locus of control believe that if things are going the way they want them, they are the ones who can control them.

There have been many psychological studies done on those with an external vs. internal locus of control and it is true that the internal locus of control leads to healthier outcomes.

When we believe we have more control we feel less anxious and our stress levels come down. When we feel anxious about things we want to control we are left with little motivation and increased stress levels.

Feeling Out Of Control

It is so uncomfortable to feel as though things are not happening the way we want them to. It may be a relationship or some planned event. Suddenly, it feels as though things are falling apart around us. Our anxiety increases and we begin to demand from others that they respond to the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. The narratives in our head go something like: “this shouldn’t be happening, it wasn’t supposed to go like this, this unacceptable.” It is a feeling of being out of control.

But really, what is out of control in these moments? For most of us it is the illusion that how we want things to be should be happening and not what is actually happening. Our expectations are not being met by the people around us. We feel as though the world is failing.

If we can slow down in these moments and take stock of the situation, what is really hard is the fear that is arising. It may be fear of failing (ourselves or someone else). It may be the fear of not getting what we want and the disappointment that comes with this as well. This fear can lead to us putting our discomfort on to those around us in the form of blame and demands.

Is it possible to acknowledge the vulnerable part of us that is afraid? The part of us that wants so badly for things to go the way we want?

In her book, The Blind Spot Effect, Kelly Boys has this to say about being with that vulnerable place:

“What if, by acknowledging uncertainty and ambiguity and opening ourselves to the truth of it, we can free ourselves to be in a flow state, deeply in touch with our intuition and inner knowing? What if — even though we think it’s the scariest thing to let go of control — it’s the wisest thing to do?” (Boys, 2018)

Reality Wins Over the Illusion of Control

No matter how much we want to be in control of our lives, the reality is that we have very little control over the actions of those around us.

Our partners, children, friends and family cannot be counted on to meet our expectations. In fact they are continually failing at this. It is in these situations that we can fall back on our ability to accept what we can do.

Developing a more internal locus of control allows us to understand that no matter how things are in reality, we can still connect to what we do have control over – our own behaviors and choices. When we get caught up in the process of wanting to control others and focusing on what we don’t control we end up losing ourselves in stress and anxiety.

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my personal experience, I can recall a time in my life where I used to throw a lot of dinner parties as a way to keep in touch with my community. I loved the opportunity to share a meal with people I care about. Oftentimes the people I invited would be late for the time we agreed upon. Sometimes it would be several minutes late. As the food I prepared got cold I would seethe with resentment at their ingratitude. How could they be so disrespectful?

Over time I began to realize that what time people showed up was not in my control. What was in my control was to invite people, make a good meal, and enjoy my friends at whatever time they arrived. When I let go of the need to control when the party started I let go of all of the anxiety that I originally felt. I also got in contact with the vulnerable place in me that felt hurt by people coming late. At some level, I felt like people didn’t really care about me if they chose to be 30 minutes late. In reality, people came with immense gratitude and appreciation.

Letting go of what we can’t control can be a wonderful way to find more flow in our lives.

I encourage you to consider what you can and can’t control. How much time do you spend struggling with the things in your life that you can’t control? Consider if you want to continue feeling anxiety about these things.

If you want to increase your internal locus please reach out for a free 30-minute consultation.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Boys, Kelly. (2018) The Blind Spot Effect: How to Stop Missing What’s Right in Front of You. Louisville, CO. Sounds True.

Photo by Mikail Duran – Unsplash

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EMDR therapy is a popular topic in psychology today… why?

EMDR is an acronym that’s been showing up nearly everywhere in counseling practices today. Therefore, it’s remarkable because it’s a break from traditional talk therapy. It’s been some time since we’ve seen this kind of philosophical split. The funny thing is, EMDR therapy was first documented over 25 years ago by it’s creator, Francine Shapiro. Because it’s stood the test of time, the therapy has been able to show it’s effectiveness.

“Changing the memories that form the way we see ourselves also changes the way we view others. Therefore, our relationships, job performance, what we are willing to do or are able to resist, all move in a positive direction.” ― Francine Shapiro

What is EMDR used for?

Initially, EMDR therapy was used for PTSD studies. At the time (the late ’80’s) PTSD, was a relatively “new” term and a more commonly accepted type of mental trauma. Previously, society would describe someone afflicted with PTSD as being “shell shocked” and there wasn’t much by way of non-stigmatized mental health offerings.

In modern times, any type of traumatic occurrence, grief, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, dissociative disorders, erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety, addictions, phobias, social anxiety, stress reduction and panic attacks, can be treated with EMDR therapy.

Here’s what it’s like in an EMDR therapy session.

EMDR is an eight step process involving the “reprocessing” of the brain using light and guidance by a trained EMDR professional. The very, very short and quick explanation is that you will follow a light in certain patterns by your therapist.

Subsequently throughout the eight sessions, you will work through the painful memory, fear, anxiety, etc. typically with gentle guidance by your EMDR therapist while following patterns made by a light pen.

Above all, EMDR therapy addresses the point that your brain has been overwhelmed by the fear, event, trauma, etc, and that it didn’t have a chance to develop healthy coping systems. Furthermore, by reprocessing, your brain has the chance to see a new light. Ironically by actually using a light as a central component of the therapy.

What kind of results does EMDR have?

I wouldn’t be a professional if I didn’t say that everyone has different results. However, the vast, vast majority of people who go through EMDR therapy are incredibly healed in ways that they had never experienced before with other types of therapies.

Many patients report that they are able, “to ‘process’ the memory in a way that leads to a peaceful resolution. This often results in increased insight regarding both previously disturbing events and long held negative thoughts about the self.” – Trauma Recovery (EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Programs, “What is EMDR?”)

Any questions about EMDR therapy? Contact me.

Wishing you the day you need to have!

References: Francine Shapiro, Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy. Please know if you do purchase with the link above, a portion of the sale helps support this site. If you’re not into that, it’s ok. And, in that case, I recommend searching over on Amazon Smile so that you can support a charity you love. Thanks for reading. – Bryce

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Some people may think emotions are unreliable. However, when we use emotions to inform the rest of our experience we have much better outcomes. And, in this hyper-cognitive time, connecting to our emotional experience can be something foreign or unfamiliar.

WHY EMOTIONS?

Have you ever thought about what emotions are? Have you ever wondered why humans have them? Throughout human history emotions have developed to help people survive.  We have fear, sadness, guilt and many others to help us get through challenging events.

Take fear for example.  We have all experienced moments when the hair on the back of our neck starts to stand up.  We may be in an unfamiliar place, or suddenly we notice that danger may be lurking. This is fear telling you that things are not right.  Without this emotion we wouldn’t be able to tell when we are potentially in danger.

EMOTIONS KEEP US SAFE

An example of this could be something we have witnessed or experienced in our lives. Imagine being with a new group of people.  There may be feelings of nervousness and uncertainty. Suddenly one of the members of the group begins to chastise you.  They tell you that you aren’t worthy of being in the group (in so many words). What is important is to feel anger and defensiveness.  You need to tell this person that what they are saying is not acceptable and they need to stop it (in so many words).

If this doesn’t happen, if there is no access to your anger, you could be ostracized from the group and lose social status.  This can be very traumatizing for people. In this case anger is your friend and helps you to insure your survival.

However, if we have spent our lives learning from caretakers that anger is not acceptable and we should not feel this emotion we may not be able to access anger.  We are somewhat defenseless in this situation.

Another example could be someone who doesn’t feel guilty when they hurt someone else.  Guilt is a very important emotion that allows us to self-correct our behavior so that we don’t treat people poorly.  If we don’t learn how to change certain behaviors that are disruptive we may be pushed out of the group again.

IN MY WORK

My work with my clients is to identify the emotions they may not be comfortable feeling and giving them permission to start to feel those emotions again.  It takes time and is not usually a comfortable process.  However, the benefits are quite enlivening.  Suddenly a person that was struggling to survive in certain parts of their lives is given the emotions that can help them to take better care of themselves.

In my own experience becoming a more embodied, emotional man has allowed me the benefits of surviving better but also the capacity to connect with those around me in joy and playfulness.

If you are noticing in your life some emotions that are not allowed I encourage you to contact me about how you can reengage these emotions.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References

Colwell, Julia (2016). The Relationship Skills Workbook: A Do-It-Yourself Guide to a Thriving Relationship.  Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

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The changing gender roles that men and women play in our world continue to change rapidly.

However, as these changing gender roles in the economy have changed, there has not always been a corresponding shift in the way men and women have learned to relate.

I can think of how my grandfather and grandmother related to each other.

My grandfather believed himself to be the most important member of the family. He thought his wife was there to serve him. My grandfather would say demeaning and inappropriate things to her as if she had a duty to take his immature behavior.

…the current crisis in gender relations is simply that in the last thirty years, women’s roles have radically transformed while men’s have not.                                                                                                         ~Terry Real

My mother and father had a much healthier way of being with each other.

Much of this came after they got married. They committed to the hard, sustained work of fine tuning how they relate to changing gender roles much differently than their parents had done it. They were able to find ways they could get along and support each other emotionally. I was lucky to have parents who modeled both the difficulties of relationships and the willingness to do what it took to get better at it.

For most us men we struggle through each day attempting to make it without any real idea of how to show up in a relationship.

We are reactive, defensive and come with a lot of baggage. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can learn the skills of mindfulness, emotional intimacy, vulnerability and compassion. When we begin to move towards ourselves, and loosen some of the emotional armoring we have been putting in place most of our lives, we begin to feel a deeper intimacy that translates to healthier relationships.

It can be so much better.  Contact me to find authenticity in your relationships.

Wishing you the day you need to have. – Bryce

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I don’t want to get into the privilege of being a man. I know that I have it and that it is an enormous advantage. I wish more men were able to admit to that.

What I want to talk about in this post is the challenge of being a man in getting our needs met.

What do I mean by needs? I mean the emotional, physical and spiritual needs that all humans have. The basic needs are food, water and shelter. Once those needs are met, we move up Maslow’s hierarchy to safety. This is the need to be able to feel safe in your environment. And not feel as though some danger is lurking constantly.

For many men who will be reading this I would imagine that most of you have these bottom two parts of the needs hierarchy met. What I really want to talk about is the third one – love and belonging.

When you grow up in a culture that associates feelings with being unmanly and you are consistently told that having feelings makes you weak, you don’t really have a space to get these emotional needs met. You certainly are not able to get them from your male friends. Which leaves women as the last resort. The challenge of being a man is to open up and be vulnerable, with enough strength to protect yourself.

For many men they look to partnership as the place where they can finally feel love and they belong somewhere.

Men project onto women, (who for many of men are the first deep emotional connections they have felt), all of the deep longing they have been storing up their whole lives. Some men can see finding a partner as a way out of their deep despair.

Partnership is a wonderful place to get these needs met.

It is a place where two people can come together and start to heal many of the emotional wounding that happened in childhood. It can help each partner to start to look at some of their habitual ways of reacting, (defensive posturing, blaming), so that they can be more openhearted, loving people. Partnership seems to inevitably call people to grow.

There is also a dark side to this pent up need some men have for the woman they choose to start a life. Some men can kind of put their needs aside for many years. They might be waiting to get it all from some woman, only to be disappointed. It can put a kind of burden on the woman and push her to be something that is impossible. No person has the capacity to fulfill the emotional needs of another. As they say, it takes a village. The challenge of being a man is to realize this and take care of your needs so that you can be softer and more genuine to those around you.

Paul Kivel expresses this beautifully in his book, “Men’s Work: How To Stop The Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart.”

Many of us who are heterosexual believe we can get our emotional needs met only by women. Therefore, in relationships we dump all of our needs on women and expect them to take care of us. Since women work, often help take care of children, and have needs of their own, they inevitably fail to take care of us the way we expect them to. When this happens we become panic-stricken.

For men they find themselves in a bind. They are faced with seeking out more ways of getting this emotional sustenance or cutting themselves off from their needs. Unfortunately many men choose the latter. This can lead to anxiety, depression and substance abuse.

The way out is through breaking through this connection men have with each other.

It is starting to reach out to the men in our lives who we respect and love. Showing up in male relationships in a way that provides some of the necessary emotional support can be one of the most important events in a man’s life.

Men must start to move out of this fear of being in strong, vulnerable friendships with other men, showing emotion and being affectionate. It is what so many men need to feel in their lives. Friendship and brotherhood help the challenge of being a man. It provides community in a way only male friendship can.

Feeling the support of male brothers will help men be in better relationship with themselves and their wives and children.

Reference: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart, Kivel, Paul (1998).

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