Men's Counseling Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart

The Value of Discomfort

bryce — Wed, 01 May 2024 22:24:44 +0000

In today’s high tech world we are constantly faced with moments of doing what is easy over what is more difficult. Do I take the stairs or the elevator? Do I ride my bike or drive my car?

As we choose more and more comfort over the challenges of life we create less resiliency in the face of painful experiences. It isn’t just bodily effort but also the inability to face the discomfort in our emotional and relational lives as well. Our inability to step into the discomfort of life is one of the challenges of our times.

Why do we seek to be comfortable?

For most of human evolution people have searched for a more comfortable shelter, warmer clothing or an easier way to do things. This made sense when our ancestors lived in really exposed lives. It was a benefit to seek more comfort in those times.

This has led humans to find better ways to find and grow food (think the agricultural revolution). It has helped us to discover better ways to transport our bodies (let’s hear it for the wheel). These changes came out of a drive to survive in the harshness of the natural world.

Even today this drive can be beneficial. Creating more efficient ways to do things can give us back leisure time that we can use for being with loved ones.

Our comfort drive led us to find food. To build and take shelter. To flee from predators. To avoid overly risky decisions. To do anything and everything that would help us live on and spread our DNA. So it’s really no surprise that today we should still default to that which is most comfortable. (Easter, 2021)

How this comfort drive is hurting us now

The problem with our comfortable lives is that they are causing us lifestyles that lead to unhealthy outcomes. Sitting, numbing out on Netflix, compulsively using our smartphones and eating obsessively when we aren’t hungry leads us to the ill health we are in today. Some studies show that close to 75% of adults in the U.S. are either overweight or obese. That’s just one of the many statistics that shows Americans, as well as people around the world, are experiencing too much comfort.

Without having challenges to our bodies and minds we become complacent and lose resiliency. We live in temperature controlled homes and buildings and then run to our cars because we can’t handle the cold. We don’t take the stairs, opting instead for the elevator when just adding 15 minutes of movement a day can have a major improvement in our health.

How did this happen?

One of the challenges of humans is that as things became more comfortable in our modern technological lives we started to expect things to be get even easier.

David Levari is a researcher at Harvard University, studies what he calls, ‘concept creep.’ What this means is that when people are looking for something in their environment they start to make up things that aren’t even there. For example, the people at TSA who look through our suitcases and bags are trained to look for suspicious travelers. As the security has gotten better there may be less reasons to see suspicious agents. This means the TSA workers can relax and not worry. Instead they become more vigilant ripping apart the bag of a four year old or some elderly woman with a walker.

Levari calls this concept creep. It means that human brains keep moving the goal posts of what they expect is going to happen. The TSA employee widens the search criteria rather than staying within the bounds of their training.

How does this relate to comfort? One way to understand it is that the same issue around our concepts can relate to our comfort. Comfort creep means that as soon as we have a level of comfort in our lives we don’t sit back and bask in the satisfaction of that comfort. We move our expectations and want more comfort.

Call it comfort creep. When a new comfort is introduced, we adapt to it and our old comforts become unacceptable. Today’s comfort is tomorrow’s discomfort. This leads to a new level of what’s considered comfortable. (Easter, 2021)

As we are provided more comfortable shoes, cars, and other luxuries we desire even more comfort. Old comforts are now uncomfortable. It may have been easy to walk up the stairs when there was no escalator…now walking up the stairs is so painful when the escalator isn’t working.

According to Levari this is all happening unconsciously. We don’t know that we are creating this comfort creep. And yet we keep doing this day after day, becoming less and less able to handle irritating things in our lives.

Discomfort is good for us

How can it be good to stress our bodies and push ourselves into places that are really hard? I don’t think it is good to just be uncomfortable. If someone has a rock in their shoe or a chill in their bones they should take care of it. The problem is this idea that we shouldn’t ever be uncomfortable. As we keep moving the goalposts, to greater levels of comfort, we keep limiting what we can deal with in our lives.

From my perspective, as a therapist and parenting coach in Denver, I see clients avoiding the painful emotions and sensations in their bodies. This often leads to poor decisions in their lives. One person may feel deep grief and sadness and decide to head to the refrigerator for a quart of ice cream as a way of numbing their feelings. Another person may avoid the depressive symptoms they are feeling by freebasing cocaine. Still another person may not want to engage their child because of the guilt they feel for their latest uncontrolled outburst.

The problem with these strategies is that they often make things worse. By not dealing with our internal discomfort we use external resources to numb and avoid what is happening inside. This leads to unhappy relationships, addiction and ill health.

The real answer is to turn towards the discomfort, feel the painful sensations and emotions that emerge and transform them by integrating our emotional and thinking brain. This allows these experiences to be part of our internal understanding of what we need or desire and can move us toward accomplishing it.

I believe that the need for external comfort mirrors this need for internal comfort. However, we will never be comfortable on the inside no matter how much we try. Things will irritate us, we will feel sad, frustrated and lonely…all possibly within a five minute period. Avoiding these inevitable feelings is not the answer.

How discomfort shows up in my life

Recently in Colorado there was a cold spell. I often ride my bike to work and I had the opportunity to feel the pain of subzero temperatures. As my fingers felt more frozen I turned into this aching sensation. The discomfort didn’t go away or get easier but what did shift is my relationship to it. I wasn’t trying to get away from it…I was just feeling it.

I think, like many of my clients, my inability to be with what I’m feeling in a moment is one of my biggest limitations. Instead of just feeling fear of disconnection with my wife, I will get highly analytical and start questioning everything my partner says (extremely annoying). If I could just feel the fear and step into the vulnerability of that fear I believe things would go much better.

Vulnerability is quite uncomfortable to feel. It is something many people want to avoid. I have found the more I go towards it rather than circumvent the discomfort, I have much better outcomes in my relationships and life in general. If I can get better at this I am highly confident you can as well.

If you or someone you know wants to connect with ways to deal with the discomfort in their life please contact me!

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References & Further Reading:

Eastmen, Michael. (2021). The Comfort Crisis: Embrace Discomfort To Reclaim Your Wild, Happy, Healthy Self. New York, NY. Rodale Books.

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Cultivating A Quiet Ego

bryce — Wed, 06 Mar 2024 18:41:19 +0000

In our current times it might be obvious to say that having more self enhancement is not what our world needs. Instead, it may be that what we need is a way to be with ourselves that isn’t enhancing who we are or diminishing ourselves.

The quiet ego is a concept that allows for the middle ground between shaming ourselves and being too self-absorbed.

This is not a silent ego but one that allows us to be attuned to our needs and the needs of those around us.

…the quiet ego constructs a self-identity that is neither excessively self-focused nor excessively other-focused. (Bauer, et. al., 2014)

What is a quiet ego?

We often think of ego as originating from the word egotistical or someone who is absorbed in themselves. Our egos are not good or bad but a necessary part of how we make sense of ourselves and the world around us. We don’t want to get rid of our ego. We need to have a sense of self.

The challenge in today’s world is that our society often is pushing people to continually focus on their needs, wants and desires. This creates an ego that becomes really loud wanting more and more without concern for our planet and those around us.

It is also true that some people grow up in very undernourished environments and come out of these childhoods feeling a deep sense of unworthiness. In some cases they don’t have a sense of self at all. These people look towards others for what they should want, need and desire.

Neither of these ways of relating to the world is healthy. A healthy ego is what Scott Barry Kaufman calls the quiet ego. This is an ego that has four main components.

1). Mindful Awareness: people with a quieter ego are living in the moment and aware of their judgments and personal viewpoints without the need to put them on other people. It is not a naive awareness, as people with this way of being in the world are aware of the downsides of things.

2). Inclusive Identity: the quiet ego is wanting to collaborate with others. There is an openness to working together and being equally focused on the relational experience as the outcome of the task.

3). Perspective Taking: those with a quiet ego find it easy to walk in other people’s shoes and provide empathy. It is not necessary to only assert one’s needs but to be aware of the process that all needs have importance.

4). Personal Growth: having a quiet ego comes with wanting to develop oneself for the good of the whole. A person with this more relaxed sense of self has a strong pro-social attitude and a desire to both improve oneself while also improving things around them.

The idea of healthy self-esteem is another way of describing the quiet ego. Unhealthy self-esteem would be a need to inflate oneself above others. When we cultivate a quiet ego we limit the need to be self-righteous. When we have a healthy sense of our strengths and weaknesses we feel less activated by other’s judgments and criticism. When our ego quiets down we can feel a different level of connection and peacefulness with those around us.

It is important to note that a quiet ego is not necessarily being quiet. This is not about quieting one’s personality. If you are expressive and full of energy this doesn’t mean you need to change those qualities. It means you can still be expressive while also being attuned to those around you and not asserting your opinions and points of view over others. Instead, you can take in others ideas and mindfully listen to what others are thinking. It also means allowing everyone to have a seat at the table, not just people that are agreeable to one’s point of view.

Having a substantial quieting of the ego is strongly related to having a strong, not weak, sense of self and with increased, not weakened, authenticity. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

Quieting Your Ego

Here are some ideas of how to create a softer presence in the world by cultivating a quiet ego:

Developing more self-compassion for yourself. Often when we struggle with others it is our own negative self concept that gets in the way. We have to assert our position strongly because our sense of self is on the line. When we have more self-compassion we are not triggered by another’s opinion because we know we are okay even when someone disagrees with you. You can practice self-compassion meditation here.
Gratitude practice can be a way of seeing the best in others by thinking of ways you feel gratitude in your life.
Assume positive intent. This is a life practice and it is one that can really be helpful in interpersonal relationships. It means that when we are communicating with someone we assume that they regard us in the best light. Often when someone disagrees with us we can feel defensive and irritated. When we assume that this person has a positive intention for us we can slow down and listen better.
Mindfully consider your interactions with others. Take an objective look at how you show up with the people you love and work with to understand better if you are coming with an ease or more anxious experience. Why are you anxious? What is it that gets in the way of feeling comfortable and safe with people? It is often this internal response that is out of our awareness that drives our defensiveness and self-righteous behavior.
Spend time in nature or experiencing awe. There is a lot of new science out there that encourages us to feel our connection with the cosmos. This means how you relate to things bigger than yourself. When we see the world as bigger than ourselves we can feel how limited we are and find a greater sense of humility. A quiet ego is a humble ego.

People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than working to help only yourself. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

How this shows up in my life.

In my own life I think when I’m at my best my ego is much quieter. I can listen and not react to people’s points of view or even their critiques of my way of thinking. Instead I’m listening and assuming their ideas have nothing to do with me personally. In these moments I feel grounded in my body and open in my mind and heart.

This is when I’m at my best. Often my ego is very loud and I get defensive and annoyed by what others are saying. I find myself trying to protect my ego from anything that puts me in a bad light.

I believe that the quiet ego is something of an aspiration I have for myself where I can listen to people and not get reactive or self-righteous. I don’t think I’ll ever get “good” at it but maybe better and that is what will help me in my life and in my relationships.

If you or someone you know wants to work on quieting your ego please contact me!

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Barry Kaufman, Scott. (2020). Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. New York, NY. TarcherPerigree.

Bauer, Jack, et al. (2014). The Quiet Ego Scale: Measuring The Compassionate Self-Identity. Journal of Happiness Studies, 15(3) 2-38. DOI 10.1007/s10902-014-9546-z

BRASSBALLS TENDER HEART | Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC

Relationship Coaching and Counseling For Men in Denver, Colorado

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Modern Therapy in Denver for Fathers

bryce — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 16:26:08 +0000

In my Denver men’s therapy practice, fathers seeking counseling often experience a range of emotions.

Many times, they fall into these categories:

Strained father-son relationship
Difficult father-daughter relationship
Spousal or partner communication issues
Parental alienation
Struggles with fatherhood
Troubles with parenthood transition
Anxiety

The good news is, all of these are “fixable” and it starts with taking the first step, searching for online counseling for dads, therapy for fathers, support for parents, etc.

So, here you are. I’m so glad you’re here.

Denver Men’s Therapy for Fathers at BrassBalls TenderHeart

Dad, let’s figure this out. Sitting down with a therapist means you’re serious about a relationship with your kid or kids. And, you want a good relationship. One that makes each of you feel good. One with secret jokes and handshakes. Conflicted parenting, anger issues, addiction, and instability can bring out the worst in us. Therapy is a place to organize your life and find a way to deal with your demons while highlighting the best parts of yourself.

Man to man, we can get you to a good place. A place where you’re able to collect yourself when you want to say x, y, or z. And where you can build the tools to consistently bring your best self to the table when you’re parenting.

Father-Son Relationship Help

As a father of twin boys, I am uniquely skilled in facilitating the type of relationship that you desire with your son. As fathers, to boys, we want to instill a tough backbone with a tender heart. Many dads don’t know good ways to do this and instead resort to yelling, scolding, or alienating their sons (whether purposely or not). Dads often disregard their son’s emotions as well, wanting them to “toughen up.”

What if I told you there was a way to find a balance? As a father, you can nurture your son’s emotions, while positively directing them to be strong, bold and independent. (You might even learn how to do this yourself!). Game changer. Let’s do this.

Father-Daughter Connection Support

Oh man, the age old father daughter relationship issues. It’s often hard enough for heterosexual couples to understand each other with the gender divide, but for father and daughter, it can be even more sensitive. Dads don’t want to “say the wrong thing” and they often have to get a bit of an anatomy lesson when they become fathers to daughters. Simply put… they are not as familiar with what it’s like to grow up as a little girl than as a little boy! Lots of education is required here….

So, when daughters grow up a bit and dad feels alienated, how can we fix this? One answer. Therapy for dads. When it comes to daughters, fathers need to learn how to listen very well. They tend to tap into their masculine protective mode with daughters, but this overbearing-ness can push a daughter into being secretive and not wanting to tell her overprotective dad what’s going on. Counseling for dads can help open up insight into how to protect, yet be gentle and open.

Modern Family Therapy in Denver for Father-Child Relationships

Dad, let’s sort this out. I know you can be the dad you want to be. Men’s therapy designed for the modern dad is what you’ll experience at Brass Balls Tender Heart in Denver, CO. We offer telehealth and online counseling for dads, and depending on current events (and when you’re reading this), we also offer a men’s group and in-person therapy services (just send me a note to find out your current options).

I’d love to see you feeling good, communicating well, and sleeping better because you are working on your relationships with your partner or kids.

Wishing you the day you need to have.

Ready? Book Today.

About Brass Balls Tender Heart | Men’s Therapy Denver, CO

Founded and owned by men’s and parenting therapist Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC, Brass Balls Tender Heart is a Denver men’s therapy practice centering on living boldly and authentically. We offer EMDR, Denver parenting support, online counseling for Dads, counseling for anxious Dads, modern family therapy, couples counseling, individual counseling for men, and more. Click to book an appointment.

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Being With Our Emotions: Men’s Therapy in Denver

bryce — Sat, 30 Mar 2019 21:50:59 +0000

When emotions arise, the first response for many people is to indulge or repress them.

Indulging the emotion is allowing the emotion to run your life. When we get angry we become aggressive. When we get sad we shutdown.The other response is to resist or suppress our emotions. These repressive tendencies don’t allow the emotion to run its course. The healthier way is to actually feel our emotions in our body and mindfully let them process through.

Being In The Discomfort

It is no surprise that many people find emotions hard to handle. When the difficult emotions come up they are not comfortable. Feeling our sadness could mean feeling a tight throat, downward energy in our body and moisture in our eyes. We don’t want to feel this.

However, our tendency to override our emotions by suppressing them or indulging them has consequences as well. It means the feelings aren’t felt and thus we don’t get the important communication of sadness or anger. We need to know when we are feeling anger so that we can acknowledge that someone has pushed against our boundaries. We need to know when we are sad so we can reach out for support and care from the people who love us.

When we live in a constant state of overriding our emotions, we rarely get our needs met. This can lead to a feeling of not being valued by the people who love us. However, it can be our unwillingness to show our emotions that keeps people from being there for us.

We need to train ourselves to sit in the discomfort of our bodies and allow our emotions to come up.

Connecting To Our Authenticity

When we don’t have access to our emotions it is hard for people to really feel us. I often have clients who struggle with their feelings. When they attempt to connect with their partners it comes off feeling flat. Their partner can’t feel what they are saying and it feels rehearsed. Often my clients will get the feedback that they are just saying what they think their partner wants to hear.

To really connect with our loved ones we need to be able to connect to our own intense feelings. This allows the feeling to have the rawness that can be felt by another.

Releasing Emotions For Health

When we are able to feel our emotions, which means we are aware of the anger, sadness or despair, the emotion moves through us and it is over. When we suppress or indulge our emotions that energy can get stuck in our cellular bodies for the rest of our lives. This can lead to disease and discomfort.

Working with a client recently they discovered how entangled their childhood trauma is with the chronic pain they have been feeling for many years. As they are able to feel through the pain of their past the pain can finally let go. We can heal our bodies by letting go of all of the stored emotional baggage in our bodies. This chronic tension that builds up in our bodies can have a major impact on our mental and physical well-being.

In her book, Trauma And The Unbound Body, Judith Blackstone speaks to the issue of how traumas can contribute to mental health issues.

Our memories of trauma, and the chronically bound emotions in our body that are associated with them, can produce chronic patterns of anxiety and depression (Blackstone, 2018).

The Efficiency of Mindful Awareness

Mindfully being with our emotions allows us to move on with our lives. We can experience the discomfort and release what every uncomfortable feelings are there. The real challenge of suppression and indulgence is that it can keep us in those emotional states for long periods of time. With suppressed emotions they can live in our cells. With indulgence we can be overwhelmed by our emotions for days.

When we bring our attention to the felt-sense in our body that is arising from a difficult experience, we allow the emotion to bring us information. When we contact these sensations in our body we find that the energy starts to release in a few minutes.

Training ourselves to be with our emotions allows us to move through our lives without all of the drama of indulgence or the pain of suppression. It is a more effective way of living our lives.

How This Shows Up In My Life as a Denver Men’s Therapist, Husband, and Father

It took me years to learn to be with my emotions and allow them to move through me. I know I am much better at this but I still struggle to bring my attention to them at times. My industrious strategy keeps me focused on what needs to be done and not on what needs to be felt.

When I’m able to find the space to really listen to my emotions I often feel this deep relief. I believe that releasing my emotions frees me from the constrictions and tensions in my body that have in the past led to more anxiety and discomfort. When I can feel my my anxiety in moments of distress I can actually allow it to dissipate and not take control forcing me into reactive, defensive responses. This allows me to say connected with the people I love in the midst of challenging interactions.

Developing emotional literacy has also helped me to be more empathic with the people around me and led me to be a counselor for men. I started to see that my emotional awareness turned on a greater capacity to feel the needs of others.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

About Bryce Mathern, Owner, BrassBalls TenderHeart, Men’s Therapist in Denver

Men looking for a therapist in Denver have already begun the journey toward understanding their emotions. Our emotions are powerful and can cause negative results, harming ourselves and our relationships in the process. When seeking relationship counseling or individual therapy, many men need someone who will understand them from a unique male perspective. If you want to create a greater emotional literacy schedule a free 30 minute consult.

References:

Blackstone, Judith. (2018) Trauma And The Unbound Body: The Healing Power of Fundamental Consciousness. Boulder, CO. Sounds True.

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Men’s Therapy in Denver: Counseling Can Help

bryce — Fri, 18 Jan 2019 19:59:27 +0000

Thinking lately that you could benefit from a men’s therapist? If things in your marriage aren’t getting better, or work is total chaos, or you’re just finding it difficult to get up every day, men’s therapy can help. If you’ve tried everything, try something new. Brass Balls Tender Heart is more like coaching for men. My practice is a place to have someone see you as the authentic, bold man that you are, and help you bring that person with you each day in your public life.

Men’s Counseling Can Save Your Marriage

If you’re married or in any relationship that means a lot to you, and you’re not feeling good most days about it, a therapist for men can be a guide to look at what’s broken, and how to fix it. To save your marriage, it takes two, but if you save yourself in the process, you have the greatest gift: confidence. A true belief in yourself that you are a strong, capable, and loving man, worthy of love back.

Men’s Therapy Can Help Your Career

Professional athletes and world leaders use meditation and therapy to relax, focus, and take care of their bodies through mindfulness. As a mindfulness-centered therapist, I am seeking to introduce stillness and authenticity to your life. By taking a moment to get to the root of the emotions we feel, we are able to more decisively and powerfully respond to life and it’s many events outside of our control.

Having knowledge and understanding of our reactions will help your career by allowing you the necessary tools to deflect and react in a calm demeanor when something happens we’d call unfair, or if a coworker gets to our deepest nerves. Men’s therapy can also help by taking some of the clutter and chaos from our minds, allowing us to focus on our goals and aspirations, guiding us toward positivity and opportunity.

Counseling Specifically for Men to Create Amazing Relationships

When I say relationships, I mean the one with yourself, and the one with your partner or spouse. Couples counseling is often what brings in the men in Denver that I work with. Yet, they often find things about themselves to work on, which in turn brings greater peace within. The feeling of lightness from men’s therapy can really make a difference in how you approach everything in your life. If you’d like to meet with me at Brass Balls Tender Heart, consider setting a complimentary consultation right here.

About Bryce Mathern, LPC, Men’s Counselor, Denver, Colorado

I am a man who came from a household where feelings were not meant to be acknowledged. The effect was a lot of personality traits that simply weren’t authentic. When I began my journey into psychology, I learned with deep understanding, the power of my boldness. And how I could express myself with that boldness, while maintaining my personal power and boundaries. (Yet still retaining warmth in my relationships.) My wife and I are the proud parents of two young twin boys, and my relationship with them has been taking my understanding of our human psyche even deeper.

I work with men to also find peace, balance, and strength within their own lives. Men’s counseling is specifically geared toward the male experience, which makes it more relatable. Brass Balls Tender Heart counseling for men, is located in Denver, Colorado. Our men’s therapy is more like coaching and working through issues in a strategic way, to see positive, actionable results. If you want to start living a brighter, happier life with less stress and worry on your plate, consider joining me in a men’s therapy session. Click here to easily schedule a free consultation in our Denver office, located in Cherry Creek.

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