How to Listen Better

To listen is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved … appreciate. Listening is so central to human existence as to often escape notice; or, rather, it appears in so many guises that it’s seldom recognized as the overarching need that it is. – Michael P. Nichols

One of the best ways we can improve our relationships is to listen to our people better.

And yet it is really difficult to listen. Why is this seemingly obvious human skill so challenging? What are the keys to good listening?

Why Is It Hard To Listen?

Listening takes effort. When we hear someone talking this is a passive act. You may hear what they say but it is passing over you. Listening on the other hand requires slowing down and really considering the words that are coming between you and the other person.

In today’s world we are much more distracted with 24 hour news cycles, loud T.V.s blaring in the background, smart phones sending alerts constantly and our ability to be on for our jobs all the time. This creates a storm of inattention and makes listening nearly impossible. We have become accustomed to hearing all of these distractions but not really listening to any of it.

One of the most difficult challenges in our current times is to focus our attention. This is focusing on a project, an activity or another person. Due to the highly distracted environments we live in people are less and less capable of being able to focus their attention. This is one of the main reasons I believe it is difficult to listen.

Closeness-Communication Bias.

Our brains are not seeing the world as it is…they see the world as the brain predicts it. This happens because predicting what the world is like takes less resources than trying to make sense of each situation. Our brain’s capacity to do this is really helpful.

However, there are times when it makes errors. In listening, people often consciously or unconsciously assume that they know what their loved ones (the people they communicate with the most) will say before they say it. This makes it hard to track new information and create true empathy and understanding.

Be honest. Have you ever had this thought?

“Oh God, here we go again, this is what she/he says every time. I’ve heard it all before. They keep saying the same thing.”

As a result of what is called the closeness-communication bias we actually listen to the people we love worse than strangers. This is something that everyone in partnership and with kids needs to be aware of in order to improve their listening skills. The reality is that people are constantly changing and it is important not to allow your brain to predict what they are going to say but instead stay open to something new. In order to do this you have to really listen.

“…people in long-term relationships tend to lose their curiosity for each other. Not necessarily in an unkind way; they just become convinced they know each other better than they do. They don’t listen because they think they already know what the other person will say.” (Murphy, 2020)

What Is Good Listening?

I think a good listener is someone who is open to hearing someone else’s experiences and ideas and acknowledges their point of view. —Gary Noesner

Most people can tell you what it is to be a bad listener…distracted, not present, interrupting, etc. It may be more difficult to really understand what it means to be a good listener.

Here are three keys to being a good listener.

Presence
Curiosity
Understanding

Presence means we are fully with the person that we are listening to. If you have ever tried to meditate you know why this is hard. Try and stay present with your breath without being distracted by the list of things you have to do that day for more than six seconds. Like anything, being present isn’t something you do, it is something you have to continually practice all of the time.

Curiosity means we are intently interested in what the person across from us is saying. This requires us to take in what they are saying rather than thinking about what we are going to say next. This is one of the trickiest parts of being a good listener. Don’t think about what you are going to say. Stay focused on what the other person is saying. This may mean that after they are done talking you have to take a moment to consider what you want to say. We often are worried that our response will take too long or be fumbled. However, what would you rather want?…someone who is really listening and then takes their time to respond or someone who is not listening and then gives a quick response that has nothing to do with what you just said. Being able to really concentrate on someone’s words and expressions allows you to respond in a more thoughtful and nuanced way.

Understanding is what makes someone feel seen. When we are in a conflictual conversation, where things are heated, we are not trying to acknowledge what the other person is saying. We are waiting to hear things that bolster our side of the argument. When we listen to understand we are taking in the information and trying to make sure we are getting it. You might even ask, “so you are saying this because this is what you mean by that?” When someone takes the time to really understand what you said…how does that feel? Have you ever felt understood? It feels different than someone trying to construct a counter argument.

The best listeners focus their attention and recruit other senses to the effort. Their brains work hard to process all that incoming information and find meaning, which opens the door to creativity, empathy, insight, and knowledge. Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort. (Murphy, 2020)

How Can You Improve Your Listening?

You don’t need to become a daily meditator or a yoga instructor to be a good listener. What you first need is a desire to be better. I think there are people out there who are really good listeners. They are not the norm. Most people get caught up in the normal distractive, mindless ways of hearing the people in their lives. It’s okay if you’re not an amazing listener.

My suggestion is to start slowly. If you want to be a superior listener with your partner, bring them into Project Better Listening. Tell them you want to do this better and then practice over and over again. Notice when you get distracted. Pay attention when you feel an emotion come up. Notice when you start to concoct your response. The more you can stay in your experience while taking in the other person’s words the more your listening skills will grow.

To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. (Murphy, 2020)

How This Shows Up In My Life.

You would think that I, a professional listener, would be really good at this. Well, in my professional life I am pretty good. I sometimes get distracted but my job is to find understanding with my clients and my presence and curiosity is critical.

In the rest of my life I struggle with the same issues I’ve cited in this post. I get distracted, I want to check my phone and I plan what I want to say next rather than paying attention to what is being said. The reality is I’m just as bad at this as everyone else. I think I’m better with my kids than with my wife (I’m sure she would agree).

I’m not willing to accept my shoddy listening skills so I aspire to be better and I work on this skill just like any skill I’ve improved on. I don’t have a daily practice exactly but what I’m really working on right now is repeating back to my wife how I understood what she just said. It’s a work in progress and I know it will never be finished.

So take to heart one point and start today to become a better listener.

If you want to improve your listening skills or know someone else who does please contact me here.