Holding Space For Our Loved Ones
“Holding space is what we do when we walk alongside a person or group on a journey through liminal space. We do this without making them feel inadequate, without trying to fix them, and without trying to impact the outcome. We open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.” – Heather Plett
Often when our partners or loved ones need us the most we struggle to be with them in their distress. We take things personally, we get defensive and we shut down. The real healing comes in relationships when we can hold the space of the moment and let our loved ones know that they are not alone in their pain. But what does it mean to hold space? Why does this change things for the relationship? Let’s get into it.
“No one actually needs different circumstances, they only need greater support for the experiences they’re having.” (Kahn, 2022)
What Does It Mean To Hold Space?
As a therapist, my work is holding space for each client’s emotional and life challenges. I find this to be a sacred act. It is allowing another person’s truth to be given an opening for expression and then witnessed by someone with loving-kindness.
When someone is struggling we often want to change their situation, offer advice or a new way of looking at the problem. This is rarely helpful. Holding space is about a deep level of allowance that lets go of outcome and just accepts that what needs to be expressed will be expressed. We trust in the person we are holding space for by opening our hearts to their distress. I think this interpersonal relational field that emerges from held space mysteriously creates the healing that needs to happen.
When I am at my best when holding space, I am dropped into my body. This means that I’m not thinking my way out of what is happening. Instead, I’m noticing my inner sensational experience and also noticing the words that are coming from the person I’m holding space with. This allows me to witness whatever needs to be witnessed. I’m not trying to figure anything out. My confidence is in the power of this shared human intimacy to create something that heals. Neither I, nor the person I’m holding space for is creating this. It is our shared commitment to the space that allows the extraordinary to happen.
It is also much more difficult to hold space for a loved one that is upset with my actions. This is where the possibility for the maturation of the relationship exists. Being able to hold the container and not get pulled into the defensiveness that we often feel when someone is telling us we hurt them or did something wrong. We want to disagree, take exception to their experience and ask them to look at our perspective. When we do this we are saying, “I cannot hold this for your pain.”
When we hold space well it means we are tolerating our defensiveness and indignancy. It means not trying to force the person who is upset into some other place of attention. We hold the space by listening and not getting caught up in our ego. This means not giving into the thoughts that are saying “that’s not true, I didn’t do this.” When we give into our ego we don’t listen or accept the other’s perspective. We may not verbally say anything to the person we hurt, but our body language will tell the story.
The details of what happened is often where two people spend their time attempting to resolve who has the correct memory of what happened. “I didn’t say that,” one says. “Yes you did,” the other one counters with. Back and forth they go until they exhaust each other. This is a power struggle that resolves nothing.
When I do this well I am tolerating the angry energy in my body that wants justice. I hold this and continually move my attention to the pain that the other is feeling. The justice we often seek is to show we are not wrong. This is our ego not being able to face our human failing. If we can let go of our ego and focus instead on the other’s pain we can keep our heart open and show compassion for what they are feeling. This allows the other person to feel cared for and resolve the pain they are feeling inside. This means I have to let go of the right and wrong of what the person is saying. If I can focus on the pain of the person I can stay out of the power struggle.
“When we companion, we walk alongside the bereaved. We offer our open-hearted and gentle presence.” (Wright Glenn)
Feeling Less Alone
I believe that the outcome of holding space for someone is so that they can feel the relational connection that brings them to an inner space of communal resonance. Whatever they are going through they are now feeling less alone in that struggle. When we hold space for someone it is to let them know that you can’t change the outside circumstances…and they are not alone in the painful experiences of life.
I believe that most of my clients truly feel better because they aren’t alone in these painful life issues. This may or may not seem like a lot. However, in my experience, this is often a game changer for people. It means they are walking through this life with someone next to them. When we feel the connection and love of others we feel bolstered, held up with support, to get through whatever difficulty is emerging. For many people this is enough to get through it.
In this holding we are saying to our loved one, “I am in this with you and I can hold this pain with you.” I believe this is where the ultimate healing happens.
Sometimes all one can do to make things “all right” is to hold gentle space for the broken, painful pieces that will never be all right and will never be repaired, at least in this lifetime. (Wright Glenn)
Wanting To Help
One of the biggest challenges of holding space is the desire to help those we love. I often think about this as changing what it means to help. Have you ever gone to someone and told you their struggle and they gave you quick advice? “Just do this,” they said. I’m guessing for many of us reading this it wasn’t helpful. This kind of problem solving is what gets in the way of people actually being helpful.
To hold space means we have to believe that there is something more valuable than solutions or quick fixes. That a deep listening and heartfelt care are often more helpful than looking for “the” solution.
I do believe that when I go to solutions it isn’t for the person I’m trying to help it is to manage my own anxiety. When I see someone I love struggling I often want to get out of the pain I’m feeling and finding a solution seems like a good way to move on from what is unsettling me. The drive to fix is not one of selfless compassion but selfish concern for my own discomfort.
I also think that when we go quickly to a solution we are taking the decision making process out of the person we are trying to help. This is not helpful because in a way we are saying to this person, “you cannot figure this out so I’ll tell you what to do.” Instead of actually helping we can make this person feel incompetent. When we hold space we are providing an emotional container for the person we love to find their own solutions.
When we hold space, our task isn’t one of meaning-making. That is the work of the bereaved. That is their right. (Wright Glenn)
How This Shows Up In My Life
Traveling through life with clients who are grieving, traumatized, depressed and anxious is what I love about my work. It is hard work because I have to be fully in balance within myself in order to do this well.
It is so important in holding space for our loved ones that we let go of our own ego needs. When someone is in deep pain we must extend to them our care and compassion out of selflessness. If we come to this with our own emotional needs often people will feel more alone in their pain.
Holding space in many ways is about listening to another. However, to do it well requires that I also listen to myself. When I’m at my best I am noticing what is happening inside myself as well as validating the challenges of my client. Failure to do so can lead me to project my own pain onto them. This can come in many forms but often fixing or solving is at the top of the list.
I think the other important reality that comes up for me in the therapist role is the need for a great level of humility. As a therapist I can get caught up in the grandiose idea that I am the one who makes my clients better. This puts me in a very different space as one who is in charge of the outcome. With humility comes the recognition that I cannot solve anyone’s problems or heal them. That is their job. My job is to hold the space while they go through their process of finding relief for their pain. I’m called in those moments to liberate the person across from me to find their own deepest truth.
I don’t believe you need to be a trained mental health practitioner in order to hold space well for the people you care about. It starts with the desire to be of service for those who matter most. Once you want to be helpful you just keep trying to drop into yourself and say less and listen more. Overtime you too can be of great support for everyone in your life.
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