Living life from our values is one of the ways we can create meaning.   I find that many people I work with are stumped when they are asked what they value. Often people are not attuned to their values and how they are living them. Without awareness of our values we are making choices without a foundation of what brings meaning to our lives. When we are in harmony with our values we can make choices in our life that keep us aligned to our integrity and the person we want to be.

Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Joseph Cambell   Why does living your values matter? I think the main reason our values matter is that they give our life meaning. For better or worse humans are meaning making machines. We cannot experience the world without associating some kind of meaning to what is happening. In so many ways we, as humans, make this meaning up. Without having any values there is no meaning. If what you do in life has no value, not better or worse, then it is nearly impossible to find meaning. If you have ever done a job that you didn’t value it quickly becomes clear that you find yourself in place of meaninglessness. If there is no meaning in work it quickly becomes drudgery. If, however, we do find value in our work it is easy to find meaning in what we are doing. I believe it is important to be in touch with our values so that it can keep us in line with our integrity. Our integrity is the moral compass that directs us towards what we value. When we do things outside of our values we can immediately know this is not how we want to act in the world. This can lead to quickly course correcting our actions and choices so we can get back in line with our integrity.  Values are a way of informing our internal sense of who we are and directing us forward in our life. The last reason (I’m sure there are lots more) I think we should be more aware of our values is that we can then determine what is valuable to ourselves. Instead of living the values of your parents or some religion you can actually make sure that how you are valuing things is in line with what is important to you. Without making this conscious by exploring our values we might still be living someone else’s values.   Living a life in line with our own, personally chosen values, rather than pursuing others’ goals that may not be connected with our values, gives our life honor, meaning, and purpose. That is the well-lived life that ends with good tired. (LeJeune and Luoma, 2019) Living our values helps us in relationships. In his book, Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress, psychotherapist Steven Stosny explains how we can use our values to help us maintain emotional stability. “When we act out towards our loved ones we feel a sense of shame because we are often acting against our values system. This is a good thing. Many of the habits activated under stress violate our deeper values—for example, blaming, yelling, stonewalling, or devaluing loved ones.” (Stosny, 2016) By being aware of our values we can continually course correct toward our values. Once again, this keeps us in line with who we want to be in the world. We can use our values as a way to continuously change our unhealthy behaviors towards the people we love. It is also true that we can experience others as valuable. When we find someone or a group of friends as valuable we want to commit our time and energy towards these people. Often by doing this we are living out our values as well.   Finding self-value Not only is it important to value others but it is also critical for our relationships to find our internal value. Relationships are hard and often the people we love can lash out at us with criticism and blame. When this happens we must have the fortitude inside ourselves to tolerate the intensity of feelings that come up. This means we need to find our inner value that is not dependent on what others think or express. People in relationships often become overly dependent because they lack a sense of themselves. When we can find an internal value we start to stand on our own two feet. This allows someone to weather the inevitable storms of a relationship and not lose themselves in a cycle of self-aggression. When we can be in a relationship with a strong sense of our own individual value we won’t get caught up (as much) in the drama of our relationship. We can hold the space of the moment and acknowledge the hurt feelings of our partner but also be bolstered by valuing ourselves. This includes self-compassion, self-validation and self-empowerment. When we give this to ourselves we are much safer in our own skin and don’t project our emotions onto our partner.   Desire not emotional neediness When we are hurt, blamed, criticized or accused of something we often move to a defensive posture that demands retribution. This is a normal response from our nervous system’s need to protect us. However, in this often self-righteous place of feeling wounded we often get pulled into our toddler brain (overactive limbic system) which leads us to childlike behaviors. These behaviors are often not in line with our values. When we can move from our toddler brain to our adult brain we can reconnect to our values. Being attuned to our values allows us to move towards what matters to us rather than living from the moment to moment needs of our emotional experience. Living out our values provides a sense of living our purpose. We are either living a meaningful life or we need to refocus our lives towards what we value. Emotions are important but they are very momentary and are not necessarily about our purpose or values in the moment. Often we feel a sense of neediness because our emotions are telling us we have been unjustly hurt by someone.   Adults have only one emotional “need,” and that is to act consistently on deeper values. If we do that, all the preferences that seem like emotional needs will either be satisfied as a byproduct of meaningful living, or they’ll be deemed unimportant in the course of a purposeful life. (Stosny, 2016)   How this shows up in my life. The challenge for me is getting my emotional preferences confused with my values. This has led me to express my needs through the lens of emotions rather than something deeply important like my values. When I’m hurt in a relationship I often get overly expressive about repairing my hurt emotions rather than digging into what I value at that moment. I can spend a lot of time forcing the people in my life to rectify my internal space. In these moments I’m putting my personal emotions over my personal values and not acting in line with my integrity. I aspire to move out of this child-like thinking and instead find more of what I value in the moment. When I get hurt I can honor the need to establish a boundary with my partner while also not needing to beat her over the head with my hurt feelings. Instead I try to move out of the overactive child brain (limbic system) and connect with my adult brain (prefrontal cortex). Here I can connect to what I value which, may be finding compassion for myself and my partner and moving towards connection. Being stuck in emotional neediness doesn’t allow much movement towards what really matters. I often find myself feeling a sense of self-righteous disdain for my partner which is out of alignment with who I truly am. Who I truly am is someone who values connection and intimacy rather than being right. Take This Values Assessment For Free: Personal Values Assessment. If you or someone you know wants to connect with personal values please contact me!   Wishing You The Day You Need To Have! References: Stosny, Steven. (2016). Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress. Deerfield Beach, FL. Health Communications Inc EB. LeJeune, Jenna & Luoma, Jason. (2019). Values in Therapy: A Clinician’s Guide to Helping Clients Explore Values, Increase Psychological Flexibility, and Live a More Meaningful Life. Oakland, CA. Context Press.

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(Or: How To Dance In The Gray)

In today’s world there seems to be an inordinate amount of pressure to know the answer or have figured out our lives, our futures and every other major thing happening. We live in a world where information for most things is at our fingertips. Yet how much do we really know? When we don’t know what is that like? How do we learn to get more comfortable with the things that we are not sure about? How can be process healthily – living in uncertainty?

When is not knowing actually helpful?

Often when we don’t know what to do we feel a sense of insecurity. This often comes up in our relationships. When our loved ones are struggling and not certain of what to do in their lives we can feel a responsibility to help them and make things certain again. Although this often comes from a place of love I do think we are also trying to manage our own anxiety by throwing out suggestions and solutions.

When we can stay in the unknown with our wife, husband or child and listen to their struggle we can help them feel less alone in their own uncertainty. This is such a powerful way to be loving. To be there when someone is struggling and just hold space for them.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing…that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

Another place we gain from not knowing is being able to see the complexity of life. When things are not black and white we can feel confused. This confusion may cause discomfort and wanting to end the confusion by taking a side. In taking a side we lose out on how complex things can be in life. It is possible to feel both sadness and joy at the same time. It is possible to feel revulsion and compassion with what someone has done to us. When we jump quickly to one of those we lose the fullness of the experience.

Having an open mind doesn’t imply having no opinion. It often implies having both opinions. It means not denying the supposed contradiction that victims can be victimizers and vice versa…

Jamie Holmes
The Zen Of Not Knowing.

Today, in our divided world many people have staked their claim in certainty. On each side of the political spectrum or cultural divide are people yelling at the other side for being wrong and claiming the righteousness of their side.

In the Buddhist school of Zen there is a strong commitment to not knowing and staying present with uncertainty. The value of this state of openmindedness is to allow oneself to be able to see the perspective of someone else. A Zen practitioner can listen with an open mind and open heart when they practice not-knowing.

We all want to be the one who knows. But if we decide we “know” something, we are not open to other possibilities anymore. And that’s a shame. We lose something very vital in our life when it’s more important to us to be one who knows than it is to be awake to what’s happening.

Zenkei Blanche Hartman

The world needs more of this open way of being. In order to do this we have to learn to accept that we don’t know everything. This allows us to stay curious to political and cultural differences. When we grasp at certainty we lose our open mind and open heart.

Living with Uncertainty and Learning To Live With Gray

I think the real challenge in living in uncertainty is the issue of control. When we know what to do we have a sense that our lives are controlled which brings a sense of safety. When we don’t feel clear about something we feel a loss of control. Fear creeps in soon after we lose control.

In order to become more comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing we need to let go of the control we want to have in our lives. We do this by accepting the anxiety or uncomfortable feelings that emerge when we notice a lack of control.

When you don’t feel like you have control what happens? Does your anxiety increase? Do you want to get away from that feeling? Control is often a mirage that we use to override the anxiety that we are really feeling. Instead of being present with our anxiety we move to quickly manage the situation.

To live in the gray we must come into awareness of our lack of control and that we don’t really know much of what we tell ourselves is true or right. When we acknowledge this we can then feel the anxiety of not having control and allow this to be a part of our experience. When we are able to be honest with the feelings that emerge, when we are uncertain, we no longer need to be afraid. It can become a place to explorer with profound possibility.

How Living in Uncertainty Shows Up In My Life

I have lived a fake life of trying to be some wise sage who knows all. I took on that identity early in my childhood. Somehow I falsely appeared to be wiser than my age. I loved it when others would nod in agreement after I spoke. It pumped up my ego and made me feel like I was important. I guess that’s partly why I enjoy being a therapist. However, what I have discovered is truly helpful for my clients is not my ideas or wisdom on what they are going through. What helps is sitting with them in their own internal conflict.

I continually realize that really supporting people in my work is helping them to navigate what they don’t know. Is this the right partner for me? Am I being a good parent? What if I never get out of these depressive states? When there are no answers what is helpful is being in the grayness of it all. Feeling the fear, confusion and frustration for not having answers. Facing this fear is what helps us to find more resilience.

In my own life, when I jump to solutions, what I’m often doing is trying to avoid what I’m feeling. I want to ensure those around me that I am in control. This usually ends up going poorly. However, when I am true to what is happening in the moment I feel the pain of not knowing. As the pain is experienced I learn that not knowing is not as bad as I imagined it to be. Facing the gray with those around me often helps me to feel more connected and possibly create more creative solutions. It is in these moments that I feel a growing confidence that I can accept life as it is.

If you or someone you know is struggling with uncertainty I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Mentioned Further Reading:

Hartman, Zenkei Blanche. “The Zen Of Not Knowing.”Tricycle. 9 March, 2019, https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/zen-not-knowing/

Holmes, Jamie. (2015). Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing. New York, NY: Crown Publishing

Nouwen, J.M. Henri. (2004). Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Marie Press

The post Living in Uncertainty: Strategies to Help appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Being a parent is no easy job. Outside of dealing with your own day to day, work, and responsibilities, you are coupled with the tough task of parenting and managing your children. The reality of the situation is that parenthood is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding tasks one can take on. That of course means it comes with many ups and downs along the way.

As a parent perhaps one of the worst feelings you can experience is feeling like you are a failure to your child.

Failure is a crippling feeling, and in the eyes of a parent it often can cause feelings of hopelessness. When these feelings start to become overwhelming there are a few things we want to remind you of. First off, you’re not alone. You’ve been tasked with one of the hardest jobs you’ll ever experience and you are doing your best. Second, there are ways to turn around the feelings of hopelessness and failure and we want to show you how!

The parenting journey comes with many trials and tribulations along the way.

We want to share some tips and advice on how to keep moving forward on the days where being a parent seems a bit harder. 

• Live

While it is your job to take care of your child, it is equally as important to take care of yourself. You have been tasked with one of the most rewarding positions you can achieve, parenthood. However, that doesn’t mean you need to lose yourself in the process. On days when parenting feels hard, remember that you still need to show up. For yourself, and for your child. You are enough and on the days when it feels hopeless, remember your reason for showing up.

• Put In The Work 

No problem gets solved by sitting around. Parenthood means no days off. When you feel like you are failing as a parent, suit up and deal with the problem straight on. Assess areas where you feel like you are lacking and come up with a solution on how to address these concerns. Likewise, give yourself credit in the areas you excel at. It is easy for the bad to overshadow the good, but take a good long look in the mirror and recognize how much you exceed at. Focus on communication, learn your lessons, and grow from your failures!

• Apologize

Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. Not only to your child, spouse, etc but to yourself. Recognize your mistakes or shortcomings and don’t just learn from them, but forgive yourself from them. Life is no perfect reality and parents make mistakes too. Forgive yourself for days and times when you weren’t 100% perfect (because no one is) and learn how to grow from those mistakes. This will not only allow you to move forward but will teach your child appropriate ways to navigate problems and work through difficult situations. 

• Reach out

If you think you’re the only parent feeling like you are not living up to the proper expectations of motherhood/fatherhood, we are here to tell you you aren’t. Truthfully, there are many parents who feel like they are failing their children and it’s never an easy conversation to have. In order to learn how to overcome these feelings you have to let it out. Talk about it, cope with it, learn from it. Listen to other parents that are struggling alongside you and learn from their own struggles and difficulties. Help someone else along the way!

• Breathe

You’re doing it. Every.single.day. Most of the time, we misplace our shame and guilt. Use your experience and learn how to turn it into a positive lesson. Learn how to take those feelings and communicate them. Teach your child how to cope and grow through difficulties they are experiencing. Everyone can become better, and everyone can learn from failure. Perhaps the most important thing is giving yourself credit, taking a deep breath, and moving forward.

Parenthood is like putting one foot in front of another. The most important job does not come easily. When you are feeling like a failure as a parent and surrounded by feelings of sadness and hopelessness, take a step back, come up with a plan, and keep trekking forward. You’re doing your best, and it’s more than enough.

Wishing you the day you need to have.

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On the night of March 6th, 1987, the ferry, MS Herald of Free Enterprise headed out from Belgian on its way to Dover, England. Unknown to the 459 passengers and 80 crew members the bow door had been left open allowing water to begin flooding in immediately after the ferry left the dock.  Within a few miles from port the boat completely flipped on its side. Rescue crews responded at once but were unable to save everyone as 193 people died that fateful night. For the survivors their minds would be left with the harrowing images of a sea littered with dead bodies as they were pulled to safety.  

Growing from the event.

This event, and the life changes for the survivors, was studied by psychologists to understand the affects of trauma on people’s lives. The general belief at the time was that people who experience such an event will struggle to work through the trauma they experienced. However, as the psychologists continued to follow the survivors through their lives they discovered something quite astonishing. Many of the people on that boat started to report that their lives were actually improved from having gone through this event. They were able to make sense of their lives in a new way and felt that the trauma they experienced actually brought them to a better place.

Steven Joseph was one of the researchers who worked with the survivors of the MS Herald of Free Enterprise. He was curious how the trauma would impact them but in his interviews with the survivors he started to notice this theme of positive re-framing. Some of the people were reporting changes in their lives that didn’t fit the narrative of post traumatic stress disorder. As they continued to work through the challenges of the event they also started to change in ways Joseph wouldn’t have expected.

In his book, Upside: The New Science of Post–Traumatic Growth, Jim Rendon talks about Steven Joseph’s discoveries.

Joseph was interested in discovering how positive reframing was working in those who survived the disaster. In his survey he included a single question about whether the survivor’s view of life had changed in a positive way or a negative way in the three years since the disaster. Though he expected some positive responses, he was amazed by the results: 43 percent said their view of life had changed for the better. Most wrote that they valued relationships and other people more, that they now lived life to its fullest, that they had more empathy, even that they were more driven to succeed (Rendon, 2015).

Two North Carolina scientists.

The people who are most credited with the study of post–traumatic growth are two psychologists from the University of North Carolina, Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun.

They initially had started studying the lives of widows and how the loss of their partners had impacted them. Listening to these women talk about the struggles of losing their husbands they started to realize that for many of the women there were positive outcomes as well.

In their research they continued to see these changes emerge. Rendon speaks to this in his book:

As they spoke to more and more people, they began to see that traumatic experiences certainly did cause suffering, but suffering was not the end of the change wrought by these events. Suffering, in fact, was part of a much larger experience. It proved to be a kind of catalyst that pushed people to find new meaning in their lives (Rendon, 2015).

How to grow from bad events.

Tedeschi and Calhoun began to do more targeted research to discover how, exactly, these people were changing. As they dug through the existing research and interviewed more than six hundred trauma survivors, patterns began to emerge. They started correlating those responses, grouping like ones with others. Eventually they determined that people were reporting positive change in one or more of the following five distinct areas as a result of their trauma:

1. Increased inner strength
2. An openness to new possibilities in life
3. Closer and often deeper relationships with friends and family
4. An enhanced appreciation for life
5. A stronger sense of spirituality

In his book, Rendon quotes Tedeshchi:

“Growth is a rethinking, a reassessment of yourself and the world. You don’t need to go through that if everything still makes sense to you,” Tedeschi says. “If a person is like a building built to a high standard to withstand an earthquake, if the quake comes and the building is still standing, you are okay. But if the building suffers damage, it has to be rebuilt and the rebuilding is the growth” (Rendon, 2015).

It is clear that not everyone was following the narrative of PTSD or the outcomes of traumatic events. People were able to reframe their lives as a result of these events. What was beginning to take shape was a new understanding of trauma.

Trauma as change agent.

Before the ideas of post–traumatic change began to be studied trauma was seen as each traumatized person clawing their way through the pain and suffering to get back to their original self.

Rendon spoke with a trauma researcher, Rachel Yehuda. Yehuda has done many studies on people after traumatic events.  Rendon points out that,

“…for a long time researchers and clinicians thought that the body and mind were stressed by trauma and that after a certain period of time they just went back to normal. They thought so in part because that is how the physiology of trauma was perceived” (Rendon, 2015).

As more people with PTSD have been studied a new understanding is beginning to emerge. Trauma, because of the intensity it can cause people, results in significant change for people who get through it. People, regardless of their response are never the same person.

Yehuda speaks to the inevitable change that can occur from traumatic events:

“Trauma causes change. There are a lot of opinions out there about how that change manifests, but you just don’t stay the same. That is a really radical idea,” says Yehuda. “You do recover in some ways, but that recovery doesn’t actually involve returning to the baseline. It involves recalibration towards something new, and PTSD is a way of describing that in a very negative light, and post–traumatic growth is a way of describing that in a very positive light” (Rendon, 2015).

How this shows up in my life. 

In working with clients it is so easy to see their deficits and limitations. It is often a result of some childhood deficit. A parent was neglectful, abusive or just didn’t seem to care enough. The adults I work with are living out these painful limitations in their current relationships. The goal is to help clients remove these limitations. However, I find that in coming to grips with their painful past many clients actually grow beyond what was previously in their way. They start to see that they are more capable of compassion for themselves and to those around them. They become more committed to growth in their lives when they are opened to their own capacity for change.

I really believe in the human spirit to go beyond anything I can imagine they are capable of achieving. It is why I do the work I do; to help my clients obtain the greatest possible way of being in this world within their lifetime. I believe that we only limit ourselves by our beliefs and habits. There is never too much love, compassion and kindness available to bring out into the world.

When we begin to re-frame trauma and suffering from, painful anchors that weigh us down, to the opportunity of ascending to our best self, life can unfold in a different way. We let go of any blame or self-righteousness about our past and acknowledge that this momentary roadblock can be our greatest gift.

About the Author, Bryce Mathern LPC, Owner and Men’s Therapist at BrassBalls TenderHeart Counseling, Denver, CO

Bryce Mathern, LPC is always seeking to educate his clients with the latest and most impactful on human behavior research. When we understand ourselves better, we can react better to life’s ever-changing and always challenging circumstances, with bold authenticity. Read more articles here. If you or someone you know is struggling with trauma I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Rendon, Jim. (2015) Upside: The New Science of Post–Traumatic Growth. New York, NY. Touchstone Publishing.

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Far too often, men feel forced to limit their internal experience of who they are.

Men lose their connection to their emotional and primal selves. In order to find a new and healthy masculinity it is critical to engage our truest selves by being aware of our thoughts, emotions and instincts. These live in our head, heart and gut. As men create more awareness of these parts of their inner lives a truer self emerges.

An example… For Markus it was so hard for him to cry in front of other men. He knew in his head there was space in the group for him to show this level of emotionality but still he closed off his sadness and didn’t let it come through. Markus had grown up in a family that continually shamed him for having feelings and being a sensitive kid. For so long Markus had closed off his heart from the rest of his life it seemed so natural. The group leader gently encouraged Markus to just notice the sensations in his heart. As Markus brought his awareness to this part of his body the flood gates opened. Markus allowed years of pent up emotions to flow out and he weeped. The men in the group gathered round and encouraged Markus to stay with it. After several minutes Markus looked through his watery eyes at the men around him. He had never known the safety of expressing himself and being accepted. He still recounts this day as the day he woke up. 

Authentic masculinity.

Bringing more awareness to our inner experience is not an attempt to be less manly. It is a path for each man to get in touch with his masculine energy. For each man this can be different. There is no prescription for how this shows up.

However, for so long men have been placed in boxes and forced to wear masks in order to believe they are worthy of being men. We flee from the possibility of being seen as weak or less than a man.

Robert Masters Augustus expresses this really well in his book To Be A Man.

“True masculine power happens when courage, integrity, vulnerability, compassion, awareness, and the capacity to take strong action are all functioning together. Such power is potent but not aggressive, challenging but not shaming, grounded but not rigid, forceful but not pushy. Again, it requires head, heart, and guts in full-blooded alignment.”(Masters, 2015)

Why men lose connection to themselves.

In a culture that demands men to be strong and stoic the man box becomes the only way for men to feel like men. Without any kind of right of passage ceremonies that leads boys into healthy masculine communities, boys have to guess at how they want to show up in the world. After years of being shamed for showing emotions, expressing too much or, god forbid being vulnerable, young boys move into the box.

As this happens the ability to be a whole person is taken away from many men.

Being a whole person is being aware of the thoughts, emotions, sensations and instincts that make us who we are. Listening to all of this gives us the best chance at making good decisions, behaving wisely and stay in integrity.

When a man loses access to his instincts (gut) it is hard for him to know his purpose and sense in the world. When a man loses access to his emotions (heart) it is hard for a man to connect with the people he loves. This is the fracturing that happens for far too many men in our culture and it is what leads to toxic masculinity.

Healthy masculinity.

When a man can find his power and his tenderness he is on the road to a healthier manhood. Often we find the man who is removed from his power as a way of avoiding any chance at moving towards toxic aggression. It is true that, for some men, aggression is part of their shadow. Giving up our power isn’t the answer.

A healthy masculinity is grounded in the flexibility to be both in our tender heart and our power simultaneously.

This means stepping into the scary place of vulnerability. Without a willingness to be fully in our authentic truth we limit our capacity to fully connect with our partners and the people we love. For some men vulnerability means weakness and is avoided at all costs. It is this vulnerability that is the pathway to the deeper connection men crave.

Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly explains this so well.

“I know this is hard to believe, especially when we’ve spent our lives thinking that vulnerability and weakness are synonymous, but it’s true. I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved? (Brown, 2012).

Nobody is going to argue that life would be fine without love. But the fear of showing ourselves in a vulnerable place is so uncomfortable that we flee from it and risk losing the what we desperately want.

This is what we men must realize. It isn’t any one part but all of the parts that come together to make us whole men. We must let go of trying to be the perception of a man in our culture and connect to our inner experience that is calling to us to be bravely authentic. In our authenticity we can let go of some idea of manhood and allow our true self to emerge.

How This Shows Up in My Life.

It is easy to write these words. It is difficult to live them. I find myself struggling at each edge of my life attempting to be aware of the discomfort of not being true to myself. I still shrink down in moments of being real with my partner and my children. I worry I will be perceived as weak. It happens so fast.

My commitment to the people I love demands that I continue to increase my awareness of these inner stories that pull me out of my tender heart and harden me to their emotional needs. These moments hurt everyone. I defend myself but in the end I am not really taking care of myself I’m only losing connection to the people I love.

When I sense this happening it is usually when I’m feeling attuned to myself and noticing my inner experience. I notice my shame come up when my wife brings up something I have done that hurt her. Immediately I want to close down and push her away. As this happens I often become dysregulated and unable to think clearly.

This is when the work I have done on myself really comes to the forefront. I’m able to slow down pull myself back into a more regulated place and begin to work towards reconnecting with my wife. I feel the desire and actual physical sensations that are pulling me into that closed space. Just noticing my chest or jaw tightening starts to soften my body. Instead of walling off the most important person in my life I can listen and be in her pain.

I wish I could say I catch it all the time…but I don’t. I’m still stuck in the man box conditioning and it is hard to get out of this each time. What I can say is that I have made a vow to myself that I will keep growing and working to be a better man every day. In this I feel like I’m doing the best I can.

If you or someone you know is struggling in relationship I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Resources:

Brown, Brené.(2012). Daring Greatly: How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York, NY, Avery.

Masters, Robert. (2015). To Be A Man: A Guide To True Masculine Power. Boulder, CO. Sounds True.

Photo by Jakob Owens – Unsplash

The post Head, Heart and Guts, Finding Your True Masculinity appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

When we live our lives without any reflective quality our lives can start to feel somewhat valueless. Whether something makes me happy or sad may not be the greatest determinant for what one should do in life. When we are attuned to our values and what we really care about we have a better way to determine who we are and what we want out of life.

Walking Your Why

In her book, “Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work And Life,” Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, encourages her readers to be in touch with their values. She calls this “walking your why.” In a culture that is constantly feeding us with advertising and images that attempt to define our values and compare us to each other it is quite easy to lose ourselves in mindless decision making.

Thoughtless decisions are ones that are not made with any kind of reflective nature. Davis points out that we are much more influenced by the people around us than we think. In one study she cites people are thirty percent more likely to buy something on a plane if their seat mate buys something. This type of outside influence can lead to a lot of poor decisions.

Using Our Values

According to David the way to make better decisions is to constantly be in touch with what truly matters to us. The things we find valuable in our lives (relationships, career, being healthy) should be the sign posts that help us make good decisions.

To make decisions that match up with the way you hope to live going forward, you have to be in touch with the things that matter to you so you can use them as signposts. If you’ve never taken the time to sort out your values, you’re always winging it, which is how we wind up frittering away our time— surfing the Internet, forwarding pointless email chain letters, cycling through hours of reality TV— and feeling unfulfilled. You see this lack of clear intention played out in people’s choices (or lack thereof) in everything from romantic partners to vacations (David, 2016).

How Do We Live Our Values?

Sounds simple. Live by your values. However how do we do this?

First you have to define what you value. Taking the time to sit down and spend time analyzing the things in your life that are important to you is a big part of living your values.

David offers some helpful questions to do this.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself in order to start identifying your values:

Deep down, what matters to me?
What relationships do I want to build?
What do I want my life to be about?
How do I feel most of the time?
What kinds of situations make me feel most vital?
What would my life look like, and what new things would I pursueIf a miracle occurred and all the anxiety and stress in my life were suddenly gone? (David, 2016).

By answering these and other questions you can begin to get clear about the things you want to put your energy towards. It also can help you to stop putting energy towards things you don’t care about.

My Personal Values

In my own life I have developed a clear sense of the things that I value in life. My wife and two young boys are the most important people. My friends and extended family are also people I continually reach out to and prioritize.

As I go through my life it is easy to get distracted in outside relationships or other activities that don’t matter to me. In order to really make my life have meaning I continually come back to what I value.

One thing that is really important to me is protecting our planet. I am always looking at ways that I can have less of an impact on our planetary resources. This means that I ride my bike to work, I drive an electric car and I have reduced the amount of meat I consume. This value helps me to make decisions that are more satisfying for me because when I make them they are connected to what I care about.

Things I Value As A Counselor

Another important value in my life is my work as a counselor. I love this work and, although it is difficult, I get a lot of satisfaction out of helping my clients. With this value in my mind I continually work to prioritize things that help market by work (writing this newsletter for example). And, I also take new trainings to improve my skills and I read books to help me be a better counselor. Instead of watching mindless Netflix shows (admittedly I do this on occasion) I prioritize reading at night after spending time with my wife and young boys.

By connecting to my values I have found an easier time sifting through the many distractions that come up in our technological culture. It isn’t always easy. I want to work as a counselor and I want to be home with my family. These are difficult decisions and when I choose one the other one is denied. I think there will always be a feeling of loss on both sides. It will never be simple. In the end it is about living my life more consciously.

As David says:
By knowing who you are and what you stand for, you come to life’s choices with the most powerful tool of all: your full self (David, 2016).

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

David, Susan (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work and Life. Westminster, MD. Avery.

Photo by, Riccardo Annandale – Unsplash

If you’ve been struggling to find what values are important to you, contact me.

About Bryce Giron Mathern, Founder BrassBalls TenderHeart

BrassBalls TenderHeart is a men’s counseling practice in Denver, Colorado. Owner Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC seeks to help men reconnect with the valuable relationships in their lives, while becoming both more bold and authentic. Men’s therapy can help you regain balance and remember the values you hold close. Counseling for men is a place to turn when you want to become more of “you” again, get closer in your marriage or relationships, and find peace.

The post How Our Values Impact Our Life appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Searching for how to change habits? Habits, however maladaptive, feel right to us after doing them for many years. Oftentimes people wonder why they continue to behave in ways they know are not healthy. This is due to the brains preference for habitual responses. Luckily human beings are quite adaptable and we can make changes that create more satisfying outcomes. The struggle in changing is that people often cling to the familiar.

Habits Are Good

Our brains are designed to create habits.  This organ does this as a way of reducing the cost of having to think through things again and again.  As we learn a task, say, brushing our teeth, the brain slowly recognizes the consistency of this effort and begins to move it over to habit.  We can then brush our teeth with minimal conscious awareness.

This is good news.  Having to think through things that are difficult each time they happen would waste a lot of our time.  If we had to think through how to drive every time we got behind the wheel we would likely not want to go through that process very often. Instead we can drive for long stretches without having to think much about what we are doing. Habits are really helpful.

The issue is the habits that we don’t want to have.  The reactivity in our relationships or the habit of telling white lies to save face are things that we want to change.  These are developed much like brushing our teeth and driving a car.  We do them so often that it becomes automatic.  So how do we begin to change these habits?

Changing Our Beliefs

In his book, Change Your Habits, Change Your Life, author Tom Corley explains how our beliefs contribute to our bad habits:

“Our beliefs and emotions trigger habits. Negative beliefs and emotions trigger bad habits and positive beliefs and emotions trigger good habits. If you want to eliminate a bad habit, you need to eliminate the negative belief. In order to do this you must become aware of the negative emotions that trigger negative beliefs while they are occurring; then you must reprogram your belief system from negative to positive. This stops the ensuing bad habit in its tracks.” (Corley, 2016)

As Corley explains, the key to change is to become aware of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves and how this brings up negative emotions.  Once we identify these we are able to shift towards changing how we perceive ourselves.

An example in my own life is the belief that I’m only loveable for what I do.  This belief is not necessarily bad but it is limiting. I don’t believe myself to be valuable just for who I am.  As a result of this belief some of the habits I have picked up is focusing my energy towards doing and working and away from relating.  Instead of being in relationship with the people in my life, I have a strong habit of pushing myself towards accomplishments in order to prove to these people I’m worthy of their love.

As I have brought awareness to this limiting belief and started to build a more positive belief, “I’m loveable for who I am,” I have been able to focus more of my time on being with the people I care about and not habitually having to prove my worth by accomplishing tasks.

How to Change Habits? It’s All About Awareness

If you are in the beginning stages of wanting to change a habit it can seem daunting.  For example, a habit that may come up is being defensive in relationships.  Someone who has this habit may shutdown or get really upset whenever someone brings up a mistake this person made.  Over time this person may have started to realize that their defensiveness is getting in the way of their relationships.  They want to change but it may seem like a mountain to climb.

When we bring awareness to these habits we begin to notice how they arise in our minds and bodies.  For example, when a person becomes defensive all kinds of things happen that can alert them to this way of reacting.  They may feel angry and feel a tightening in their body.  By bringing awareness to this experience a memory of how they were treated when they were younger may come up.  This could help them then explorer how that experience led to some belief about themselves.  Maybe they remember feeling really unsafe with a caretaker who didn’t help this person understand that it’s okay to make mistakes.  The belief that came about was something like, “I’m unsafe when I make mistakes.”

Once the person realizes the belief they can then start to build a new belief like, “it’s okay to make mistakes.”  Coming from this belief the person will no longer need to be defensive when someone brings up a misstep they have made.

Although it is challenging to change our habits it is not impossible. I personally see it every week working with my clients.  Reactivity, emotionally shutting down, losing tempers or having panic attacks are all ways our nervous systems respond to certain stimulation.  By bringing the power of awareness to how this happens in our experience we can make important changes to our lives.

About BrassBalls TenderHeart, Men’s Therapy in Denver

Bryce Giron Mathern is the founder of BrassBalls TenderHeart, a counseling practice in Denver, Colorado that offers therapy for men. Oftentimes our habits are a block between our marriage or relationships. By mindfully regaining control over good and bad habits, we can heal our relationships and find authenticity. As a Denver men’s counseling practice, BrassBalls TenderHeart offers individual and couples counseling from a men’s perspective.

If you know someone who is struggling to change their habits please reach out to me.

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Corley, Tom. (2016). Change Your Habits, Change Your Life: North Loop Books. 

The post How to Change Habits For Good appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

 

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. ~Brené Brown

Loneliness and the Human Need To Belong

Loneliness. That feeling of not being a part of a group or people whether in your work life or personal life. It can feel very isolating to say the least.

The need to prove ourselves worthy of those around us can lead to a lot of insecurity and anxiety.  Our work is to create the loving kindness that allows us to belong to ourselves. When we can feel that deep compassionate connection to ourselves, we don’t have to prove that we belong. We know it. 

Where Loneliness and Disconnection Has Shown Up In My Life

I can recall many times in my life when that feeling of disconnection was a part of my awareness.  Being among friends and family and feeling this lack inside myself.  I didn’t feel like anyone really wanted me to be there or to be a part of their lives.  It could creep up in short spurts or it could linger for days, weeks, sometimes months.

I wanted to feel that I mattered to the group I was not feeling a part of.  The amount of enjoyment and playfulness I could experience could not seem to override the deeper feeling of loneliness.  I believed that I wasn’t worthy of their love.

Feeling Like We Don’t Belong

Kristin Neff in her book, Self-Compassion, speaks to this feeling I had:

“Loneliness stems from the feeling that we don’t belong, whether or not we’re in the presence of others. If you attend a large party where you don’t quite fit in, you’re still likely to feel alone. Loneliness comes from feeling disconnected from others, even if they’re only inches away.” (Neff, 2011)

What I have, slowly, over the years figured out, is that the people around me loved me for who I was.  The person that didn’t love me for who I was…was myself.  The lack of belonging was in me.

Relationships and Loneliness

Now I want to say that this is not always the case.  There are people living in families right now and feeling as if the stork dropped them off at the wrong house.  They may be in a family system that is fast and aggressive when they are sensitive and slow.  They may find this desire to explore culture and art, yet find themselves living on a cattle ranch. They may want to play sports when their parents are intellectual types.  I have worked with clients who grew up this way. When this happens the child starts to believe there is something wrong with them for their inability to “fit in.” In either case the antidote may be learning self-compassion and developing what Brené Brown calls “true belonging”.

Finding True Belonging (Hint: It’s Inside You!)

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”  (Brown, 2017)

For me personally this has meant moving deeper into myself and witnessing the thoughts and feelings that consistently feed the beliefs about my not belonging.  My inner critic was and still is very strong.  But slowly I have allowed those thoughts to be less sticky.  They come and they go.  What this means is that I don’t believe I don’t belong.  Instead I step into my community with confidence and greater capacity for connection.

Fatherhood and Connection

Recently, with becoming a father, I have noticed more of these thoughts staying with me. My fears about failing as a father are very present to me.  I struggle to feel like I’m enough for my loving wife and two sons.

The challenge is not to see my family and loved ones as the cause of this struggle.  I must realize that the change can only happen inside myself.  I need to create true belonging in me.  I can ask my wife and others to help remind me that I’m enough and that they love me.  Still, the heavy lifting of developing this level of internal awareness is mine.

So how does one do this?   Disconnection from my community was what created this feeling of being on the outside.  When I felt this, my willingness to reach out and connect with others, showing the vulnerability of my loneliness, was one way I could start feeling more belonging.

Brené Brown goes on to explain this:

“The neuroscience researcher John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago has been studying loneliness for over twenty years. He defines loneliness as “perceived social isolation.” We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. Maybe we’ve been pushed to the outside of a group that we value, or maybe we’re lacking a sense of true belonging. At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction—an intimate relationship, friendships, family gatherings, or even community or work group connections.” (Brown, 2017)

… So we can find belonging when we reconnect with people in our lives.

Mindfulness and Meditation for Connection

The other resource is using mindfulness or a meditation practice as a way of coming into a deeper sense of self-compassion for ourselves.  When I feel disconnected I am usually in a place of judgment about myself or someone else.  When I come to the present moment and ask what is missing there usually is nothing missing.  There is only the self-aggressive narrative that I, or someone I want to be closer to, is not enough.

I believe that true belonging is something we can all strive for.  I don’t believe, personally, that I’ll ever get there.  I will likely feel moments of isolation and lack of belonging.  As I work on it I can feel it becoming less a part of who I am.

If you, or someone you know, is feeling isolated in their life please reach out to me.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Brown, Brené. (2017) Braving The Wilderness: The Quest For True Belonging And The Courage To Stand Alone. New York, New York: Random House Publishing.

Neff, Kristin, (2011) Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself. New York, New York: Harper Collins Publishing.

The post From Loneliness and Isolation to Self-Compassion and Belonging appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Our inner child is the strategies we developed at an earlier stage that are kept in the shadow of our awareness. When we bring this inner child into view, we start to see how we can limit ourselves from our best. By working on inner child issues we heal the wounds of our past and move forward into healthier and happier relationships.

Bringing Your Inner Child Out Of The Shadows

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Masters, Robert Augustus. (2018) Bringing Your Shadow Out Of The Dark: Breaking Free From The Hidden Forces That Drive You. Boulder, CO.  Sounds True. 

Bradshaw, John. (2013) Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child. New York, NY. Random House.

Diamond, Stephen A. (2008, June) Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy : The Inner Child. Psychology Today.
Retrieved From https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child

Photo by Samuel Zeller – Unsplash

The post How Your Inner Child Can Save Your Relationship appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

So much of our struggle in reaching goals we set for ourselves is having the consistent discipline to make it a reality.

Consistency Plus Time

If you wanted to play the guitar for example, how is it that you are going to learn to play a new instrument? The better question is what can you commit to on a daily basis to learning the guitar?

In his book, The Slight Edge, Jeff Olson explains how this works.  

You’re Either Going Towards Your Goals Or Away

 

Responsibility Vs. Blame

“The predominant state of mind displayed by those people on the failure curve is blame. The predominant state of mind displayed by those people on the success curve is responsibility.” (Olson, 2018).

“Taking responsibility liberates you; in fact, it is perhaps the single most liberating thing there is. Even when it hurts, even when it doesn’t seem fair. When you don’t take responsibility, when you blame others, circumstances, fate, or chance, you give away your power. When you take and retain full responsibility—even when others are wrong or the situation is genuinely unfair—you keep your life’s reins in your own hands.” (Olson, 2018).

How This Shows Up In My Life

If you need help moving towards your life goals schedule a free 30 minute consult.  

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Olson, Jeff. (2018) The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Happiness And Success. 

Photo by Alan Tang – Unsplash

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