Men's issues Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart

The Father Wound

bryce — Tue, 31 Mar 2026 01:22:29 +0000

Fathers play an important role in the development of children. A father’s ability to lead, play, teach and provide emotional nourishment has a profound impact on their sons and daughters. A father who does not provide this level of engagement also deeply affects children.

Fathers who only provide financially to their family but have limited emotional connection to their children will often create a woundedness that can last for a lifetime.

In sons in particular, boys who grow up without a significant emotional attachment to their fathers can be left with a deep lack of self-trust and real confusion about what it means to express their masculine side.

Emotional absence is as real and damaging as physical absence. The father who sits silently through dinner, who responds to your excitement with a grunt, who treats family life like a job to be managed rather than a relationship to be lived—that creates a wound. – Asher Miles

The Disengaged Father

The father wound is a psychic wounding that impacts children’s ability to make sense of themselves in relationship to their fathers and create a healthy, flexible integrated selfhood. It is a result of a father not being available emotionally. Often these types of fathers are stoic, show little emotion, work often and don’t engage their children beyond superficial directions. They will tell their sons to clean their rooms but they are not spending time with their sons catching a ball or wrestling. This really limits the child’s ability to understand themselves in relationship to their fathers.

For sons this is even more critical because it forces the child to imitate these types of behaviors do not allow the son’s full psychological experience. For example, stoicism is a lack of emotional expression that disallows a person to express what they are feeling. For many men, being stoic is in the face of pain. When pain arises, emotional or physical, the response is as if nothing happened. Men are often enculturated in our society to show no signs of weakness. For a boy growing up with a dad who is not allowed to show any pain the boy quickly learns that any expression of pain is not allowed. This forces the boy to limit access to any signals in his body that would give him a different sense of pain. Boys learn to not pay attention to their pain as well as not feel their pain.

As adult men boys who exhibit this kind of emotional control struggle in their relational life. They are not able to speak to relational issues that cause them to feel uncomfortable. In a professional relationship with a superior this man may feel dismissed, demeaned or even worse. Without the ability to speak to this and try to create a workable relationship a man with a father wound will often say nothing while hating his work life. This leads to resentment and pent-up emotional energy. The danger here is eventually this energy must release and it does in the form of rage and/or violence.

Earned vs. Borrowed Masculinity

When masculinity is constructed from fragments rather than developed through relationship, it creates what psychologists recognize as a “false self”—a persona that earns social acceptance while leaving the person feeling fundamentally unknown, even to himself. – Asher Miles

In order for a boy to develop a sense of being a man they need to imitate their dads. When the dad is not involved in any relational experience this transmission of what it means to be a man gets blocked. Boys are not learning what masculinity is through relationship but through their own construction based on guesses from what their dads and other men do. This leads to a constructed selfhood that is ultimately false. A false self creates a number of mental health issues. When you live in a false self you never feel like you know who you are or feel a connection to your life force. Instead you often feel as if you are just going through the motions without any real meaning or purpose.

The difference here for young boys is the difference between earned and borrowed masculinity.

Borrowed masculinity is a false masculinity that boys acquire out of their own experience. It is often a distorted masculinity because they are not clear about what it means to be a man and the values and expectations that come a long with that. When a man inherits his masculine understanding in this way he is often rigid in how he does things, lacks a clear sense of himself and looks externally for validation. This leads to defensiveness and an inability to work through relational issues.

Earned masculinity on the other hand comes through the father imparting on the son a sense of values, culture and clarity of what it means to be a man. When a son learns this from their father they are able to have a clear sense of who they are. This leads to a man being flexible because he feels a clarity between his internal integrity meeting his external expression. This is a man who knows who he is and is living out his values. Often men with earned masculinity have access to all of their emotions.

Boys who grow up with disengaged fathers lack the clarity of what it means to be a masculine being. Instead they are guessing at who their dad is or pushing their dad away. With nobody to imitate, as a way to understand who they are, boys are left to create a masculinity that is not grounded in authenticity.

This lack of attention from the father results in the son’s inability to identify with his father as a means of establishing his own masculine identity. – Guy Corneau

The Wounding Of Shame

For men who grow up without their fathers’ nourishment and direction they develop a sense that something is wrong with them. This is the shame that is foundational to the father wound. Sons need to feel their father’s approval and delight in who they are. When sons don’t get this they feel a longing in themselves and a sense that somehow they must be the reason their father is not bonding to them. Children, in the first 10 years of development, don’t have the cognitive awareness to see how limited their parents may be in relating to them. Children are, as the famous French psychologist said, “cognitive aliens.” Children cannot make sense of the nuances of life. Things are good or bad, up or down, there is no in between. A child will thus focus the pain of feeling separated onto themselves and assume that their father’s lack of relating to them is because they are unworthy.

This shame carries into adulthood and is, for many men, a foundation of their way of interacting with the world. Men with this shame wound will be in a constant fight to prove their worthiness through external expressions like work, physical strength, sexual prowess and many more. Men who carry the father wound rely on the crumbs of external approval because they are not getting the internal proof that they are good enough.

When fathers are emotionally unavailable, boys learn to mute their needs to avoid disappointment. The boy stops sharing excitement when Dad doesn’t look up from his phone. He stops asking questions when every question is met with “Not now.” Slowly, he internalizes the message: my inner world doesn’t matter. – Asher Miles

Healing The Father Wound

To heal this wound men must learn to engage their wounded child and re-father this part of them. This means learning how to access our hurt parts and developing a relationship with them. In this relationship we can begin to help the parts understand that they do matter and that the adult self can now be the father that these younger parts never had.

This may sound a bit strange to some wondering about inner child work. One way to think about it is to understand that psychically we never move out of our developmental stage completely. We physically grow up but psychologically we often have younger parts that still need to mature. This is what inner child work tries to address. It is a healing and maturing of the developmentally stunted parts of ourselves.

An example would be the child that was neglected by his parents. When a parent cannot attune to a child’s emotional needs a child’s authentic self is rejected and the child must create a false self in order to survive. The false self that is created leads a man to struggle in his relationship to himself and everyone else.

When I work with the father wound I support my client in building a relationship with the wounded part. Often clients can visualize that part and a memory of what was hard at an early age. Clients then enter into this memory and offer the part what the younger part never got as a child. It could be affection, compassion, understanding and other necessary emotionally attuned characteristics. We then work on the limiting beliefs that inevitably occur from the wounding. These beliefs are actively removed from the part and new beliefs and helpful qualities are brought in. A new belief might be “I can get the love that I need.” A new quality might be the ability to express vulnerability by asking for this love.

To heal the father wound, you have to be willing to feel what the anger is guarding so carefully. You have to risk the very vulnerability you’ve spent decades protecting against. You have to trust that being seen in your woundedness won’t automatically lead to abandonment—it might actually lead to the deeper connection you’ve been seeking all along. – Asher Miles

How This Shows Up In My Life

In many ways I’m luckier than most. My father was more engaged than fathers of the 70s and 80s. However, he had his own emotional limitations. My dad didn’t know how to be vulnerable and express his emotions consistently with my mom, me, or my siblings. He struggled to talk about things which led to explosive emotional outbursts.

I have discovered my own emotional limitations occur when things get heated in relationship. I often shut down and pull away. This is a learned response from my dad. What I needed as a child was some clarity around a better way of relating with people. My hope is that I can provide my sons more of what I didn’t get as a young boy.

In my own journey I have used inner child work as a way to understand these younger parts and build healthier and more supportive relationships with them. The part that shuts down is only trying to protect me from the pain of feeling hurt and misunderstood. Underneath this part is a more vulnerable part that carries the wound of shame. This part believes I’m not good enough.

Although I’m not healed I feel a much deeper sense of my own Self and who I am. I don’t seek external validation like I used to but feel a sense of safety within myself. This has led to greater flexibility and a depth of relationship that I’m truly grateful for with my loved ones.

If you struggle with the father wound or know someone who does please reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Corneau, Guy (1991). Absent Fathers, Lost Sons: The Search For Masculine Identity. Shambhala Publications, Berkeley, CA.

Miles, Asher (2025). The Absent Father Affect on Sons: How To Heal The Father Wound and Rebuild The Man Within. Self-published.

The post The Father Wound appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Displacement Aggression: Why Hurting Others Feels Good

bryce — Mon, 25 Aug 2025 12:20:54 +0000

“Humans excel at stress-induced displacement aggression – consider how economic downturns increase rates of spousal and child abuse. Or consider a study of family violence and pro football. If the local team unexpectedly loses spousal/partner violence by men increases soon afterward.”

– Robert Sapolsky

Nobody wants to hurt the people they love. That is obvious. However, there are certain elements in our biological responses that tend to increase the tendency for this to happen. We must bring awareness to this neurobiological response to stress in order to overcome our tendency towards it.

“I don’t know, I was upset and then I just screamed at my wife. She didn’t really have anything to do with what was happening but it was almost like I had to get the frustration out of my body. It happened before I could even think about it. I’m ashamed to admit that yelling at her did make me feel better.”

~Male Client talking about a recent outburst with his partner

Displacement Aggression

We’ve all done it. We felt stressed, or cornered, and lashed out at someone that wasn’t the culprit. Why do we do this?

The answer is that it actually reduces the stress load we are feeling in the moment.

In his book, “Behave: The Biology Of Humans At Our Best And Worst,” Robert Sapolsky explains the idea of displacement aggression.

“There’s an additional depressing reason why stress fosters aggression—because it reduces stress. Shock a rat and its glucocorticoid levels and blood pressure rise; with enough shocks, it’s at risk for a “stress” ulcer. Various things can buffer the rat during shocks—running on a running wheel, eating, gnawing on wood in frustration. But a particularly effective buffer is for the rat to bite another rat. Stress-induced (aka frustration-induced) displacement aggression is ubiquitous in various species.” (Sapolsky, 2018).

Displacement aggression is moving the discomfort we are feeling on to others. Sapolsky believes we do this to reduce the level of CRH (corticotropin release hormone). This hormone is excreted by our hypothalamus as a response to stress.

When we feel all of these neuropeptides building up in our system we want to move things to a different place. Sapolsky has a theory as to why we do this:

Little is known concerning the neurobiology of displacement aggression blunting the stress response. I’d guess that lashing out activates dopaminergic reward pathways, a surefire way to inhibit CRH release. Far too often, giving an ulcer helps avoid getting one (Sapolsky, 2018).

If Sapolsky is correct then the reason we lash out at our loved ones is that we get a helpful surge of dopamine to cancel the stress hormones in our body. Thus, it feels good to be shitty to our loved ones.

Are we screwed?

Does this show that we are biologically predisposed to being assholes? I’m going to go with…no. Let me explain that my two twin boys are currently learning how to go potty in the toilet. They don’t know how to do this naturally. Naturally or biologically they just poop or pee when the sensation comes along. However, over time, they are learning (through a lot of parental nudging) to hold it in and wait till they get to the potty.

I’m not saying that our ability to manage our aggression is the same as not pooping in our pants…but there is a similarity. Just like potty training we can train ourselves to be aware of incoming aggression or stress overload and to develop regulating responses.

Awareness, awareness, awareness.

I find I’m a bit of a broken record with my clients but the answer to most problems in my opinion is our level of awareness (or consciousness or whatever cliché spiritual word you want to use this week).

The truth is we can only change what we are aware of in the moment. If we are focused on the problem of our partner, child or colleague and not on our own biological intensity, we will most likely fail to regulate and then…presto, lots of displacement aggression.

However, through the power of mindful awareness we can start to slow down, bring our attention to what is happening in our bodies, and start to regulate our nervous system down. This allows us to bring our prefrontal cortexes back on-line and we can manage the stress response that is happening.

How this shows up in my life.

It’s kind of like this. I’m helping my wife with dinner and as I’m doing this she snaps at me. It isn’t a big thing at all, just a simple retort to a question or a slight annoyance she is having. This triggers in me stuff from past relationships and my body goes into a stress response. My body starts getting tight and my mind starts quickly into a narrative about how rude, annoying and unreasonable my wife is. This line of thinking increases the stress and I start to get more and more stressed releasing more of the hormones that are causing me to be upset.

Suddenly, without warning, like a superhero, my awareness kicks in. I start to notice the thinking in my mind and the tightness in my body. I notice what is happening and I also notice that I’m noticing (that’s a lot of noticing). As this happens my stress level starts to subside, my human brain comes back on-line and I start to realize the craziness of all these thoughts.

As my body regulates I feel myself slowing down, like a carnival ride before it comes to a complete stop. Eventually, I’m back to a more neutral regulated place.

My wife, sensing my discomfort, looks up, asks if I’m okay. I smile and say I’m okay. She says she’s sorry she snapped at me but she was struggling with one of our boys. I tell her I appreciate her apology and there is no harm done. She smiles back. I open my arms and we hug. We are back in connection.

What could have been a few hours of disconnection and upset is moved through in a much easier way. This is the power of emotion regulation.

This ain’t easy.

Learning how to regulate ourselves is hard work. I’ve done a ton of awareness work in my life. My example is not to dismiss the challenge but only to say that, if I can do it, you can do it.

It takes a commitment to paying more attention to ourselves and working hard to show up in our relationships as our best selves.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Sapolsky, Robert. (2017). Behave: The Biology Of Humans At Our Best And Worst. Penguin Books. New York City, NY.

The post Displacement Aggression: Why Hurting Others Feels Good appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

In The Age Of AI – Relationships Are Critical!

bryce — Tue, 08 Jul 2025 13:37:37 +0000

“AI cannot replace compassion, empathy, or love. These are the domains of human relationships – our ultimate strength.”

Kai-Fung Lee

(AI expert, former president of Google China)The coming AI revolution will change our world in ways that most people can’t imagine.

What are the skills that will still matter? The relationship skills that we use in our work and the people we love.

This is the future of our world whether we want it to be or not. Our Virtual Men’s Group is committed to teaching the important skills of being in your relationships.

Are you a man navigating challenges in your romantic relationship? Join our Men’s Group for Healthier Relationships.

We are bringing a group of men together to challenge them in their relationship beliefs and help them to develop new skills and tools that will benefit them in all their relational challenges. The group will bring the masculine and feminine into the online experience to help the group understand those important dynamics. The goal of the group is to help men find a way to fully embrace their power and leadership in their lives while also finding the tenderness and care that they want to bring to the people they love. You can embrace your greatness as well as your gentleness.

Bryce Giron Mathern offers a virtual mens therapy group in Lakewood Colorado. Looking for Denvers mens therapy and want a virtual counseling option near you, sign up for Mens Virtual Therapy group at BrassBalls TenderHeart in Denver, Colorado.

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Men’s Group (Online)

Strengthen Your Relationships

Wednesdays | Every Two Weeks at 2pm Mountain Standard Time

Learn how to:

Regulate your nervous system
Repair issues that come up
Work with the feminine
Express your needs better
Communicate in a way that your partner can hear it
Lead the relationship back into connection
Show up with clarity and presence
Learn how to build emotional intelligence

For more information, click here: https://brassballstenderheart.com/denver-mens-issues-support-group/

To join, or ask a question, Email me at bryce@brassballstenderheart.com or Text me at 720-935-2706

In an age of machines and speed, what becomes sacred again is human presence. Deep attunement is our medicine.

Thomas Hübl

(Spiritual Teacher and Author of Attuned)

Technology makes the illusion of companionship without the demands of intimacy. But only real relationships teach empathy.

Sherry Turkle

(MIT sociologists & Author of Alone Together)

Brass Balls Tender Heart offers counseling for men in Denver Colorado as well as a virtual mens group for mens mental health support.

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What Is Mankeeping?

bryce — Tue, 08 Jul 2025 13:07:01 +0000

The deep social expectation that women will shoulder the exhausting mental and emotional work at home—a type of labor that goes largely unnoticed by those it benefits most—has made it all too easy for such insidious expectations to follow us into the world, as we step gingerly through a culture that has left us little choice in the matter.”

Gemma Hartley, Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward

Mankeeping describes how in relationships the more feminine partner takes on more of the emotional load. The emotional load is the invisible work of managing emotional dynamics. This isn’t out of laziness or entitlement. It happens out of a lack of emotional awareness and emotional regulation on the part of men. Many women are no longer willing to do this work in their relationships. Women who are currently in marriages and younger women hoping to find a long-term partner don’t want to to take care of their partner’s emotional and social well-being.

In this online men’s group we are teaching men how to manage, regulate and create more tenderness for their internal world. We want to break through the limitations we as men are conditioned through our culture to not engage in our inner life of emotions and bodily sensations. Our hope is to help group members find more wholeness and flexibility in moving into their emotional expression and awareness.

Are you a man navigating challenges in your romantic relationship? Join our Men’s Group for Healthier Relationships.

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Learn how to:

Regulate your nervous system
Repair issues that come up
Work with the feminine
Express your needs better
Communicate in a way that your partner can hear it
Lead the relationship back into connection
Show up with clarity and presence.
Learn how to build emotional intelligence

More information here: https://brassballstenderheart.com/denver-mens-issues-support-group/

Email me at bryce@brassballstenderheart.com or Text me at 720-935-2706

Women are taught to be emotional caregivers, to bear the weight of others’ feelings, and to prioritize relationships over personal well-being.”
— Bell Hooks

Women don’t get credit for emotional labor because it’s often invisible. It’s assumed that they just know how to do it and that they will do it, because they’re supposed to.”
— Sheryl Sandberg

Emotional labor is about making the effort to be emotionally attuned to the needs of others, but it’s exhausting when it is unbalanced and unreciprocated.”
— Dr. Jessica McCabe

Brass Balls Tender Heart offers counseling for men in Denver Colorado as well as a virtual mens group for mens mental health support.
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Managing Your Attention | Mental Health Tips for Men

bryce — Sat, 08 Feb 2025 13:48:31 +0000

Our modern digital era has caused a fundamental shift in how we think and work, and in how we focus our attention and achieve fulfillment. The technology we use on an everyday basis, our cultural and social environments, and our individual human nature together make it hard to focus. We now need a new paradigm for understanding how to keep ourselves happy, productive and fulfilled.

– Gloria Mark

Managing Your Attention

We live in an age where all of the world’s information is at our fingertips. In a moment I can look up information on any possible question in my mind. This is an amazing technological feat and one that still boggles my mind. However, there is a downside. We get caught up in these rabbit holes of information searching for meaningless information while not paying attention to the people we love. It is critical in these times to be aware and conscious of how we want to use our attention towards the things that truly bring us fulfillment.

Allowing attention to be pushed around by technological distractions can lead to feeling exhausted, or worse, burned out. It is important to take control of your attention to insure that at the end of the day you have the resources you need to be in a healthy state of mind with the people you care about. So how can you work on managing your attention? Let’s look at the whole picture first.

Constant Distraction

It begins in the morning. You wake up and immediately pick up your phone, checking your texts, email and social media. You read through a complex article about major events happening in the world. You click over to the highlights of your favorite sports team. All of this in the first half hour of your day.

As the day unfolds you are responding to the stream of notifications coming from your phone via text and social media. You are in a constant state of engaging what your phone wants you to pay attention to. In this state of “chaos” managing your attention can be incredibly difficult.

At work you are being pinged via email and texts about meetings, things to do and struggling to focus on what you actually need to prepare for the day. In our world today the average person checks their email 77 times a day. This leads to our attention being pulled away every 6 minutes in an 8 hour day. People are on social media over two hours a day which is most likely a constant checking of the latest response to a post or update from a friend. People last on average about 47 seconds on a screen before they shift to another screen. As I write this I can feel the constant pull to look at something else on my laptop.

This lack of attentional focus is one of the deep challenges of the 21st century. It makes the ability to do deep work more and more difficult because we all are allowing the world around us to pull our attention away. This world of distraction that we live in leads to days where a lot of things are done but nothing gets accomplished. This means that more tasks are piled onto the next day creating more tension and stress. Often we all leave work feeling exhausted and overwhelmed knowing we will start the next day with the same amount to do. This creates a lot of dissatisfaction in how we live our lives. It doesn’t have to be like this.

We need to reengineer the information age day. This means setting up the day so that we don’t experience the cognitive overload many of us feel at the end of the day. Managing your attention and integrating cognitive breaks is a huge help.

Managing Cognitive Load

A long-standing, well-accepted theory in psychology, with over fifty years of research behind it, is that the mind has a general pool of attentional, or cognitive, resources that we use in our everyday functioning. These resources can be thought of as your attentional capacity, or rather, as the amount of attention you have available. (Mark, 2023)

Every morning you start your day with a limited amount of resources to use up in your mind. As we go through the day, in order to have a more satisfying work/life experience, it is important that we learn to manage this cognitive load. If you can work on managing your attention and do this successfully it can allow you to stay more engaged in your life.

Cognitive load is very simply the amount of thinking energy you have throughout the day. As you push yourself into complex processes this amount starts to wear down. The more complex, challenging creative work we do takes away from that day’s supply.

The basics of Cognitive Load Theory is when we take things from working memory to long-term memory, which allows us to keep things stored up. However, doing this requires a lot of energetic resources and leads to a decline in our thinking resources. What is needed is a break that allows for memory integration time so we can move on to the next complex task. This is crucial for managing your attention in an efficient and energy protecting way.

We can manage this by first coming to understand that it is important to have some thinking reserves at the end of the day. Most people are aware that they have certain times of the day where they feel more sluggish or less capable. This shows how our cognitive load depletes. When we see how we are more capable at different times we can keep our most challenging work for those times. Some people are most sharp at the beginning of the day while others are night owls doing their best work in the middle of the night.

These resources can be replenished by becoming more aware of how we lose our cognitive resources and how we can gain them back.

When you use sustained attention with difficult activities, then it creates a cognitive load, and we know from laboratory studies that you can’t keep sustained focus for too long, as your performance then starts to decline. (Mark, 2023)

Rote Attention Can Replenish

My own experience is that rote activity is a way to back off and replenish, and since I started studying our attention with our devices, I realize that it does relax and calm me. (Mark, 2023)

Rote attention is highly focused attention on something really easy. Often this is something that we have done over and over again. It isn’t necessarily doing something mindlessly but actually being engaged in a task that has been done so many times in the past you don’t have to work hard at it. It’s brushing your teeth but more interesting (although I do really like making sure my teeth are clean).

It may seem strange to talk about doing less engaged work in order to do more engaged work but it appears this is helpful. It’s like going for a run and at times you slow down to a walk in order to replenish yourself and then start running again. Rote activities seem to replenish one’s cognitive ability to do the higher level tasks. This is a wonderful way to work on managing your attention.

Knowing this means that you can weave these rote experiences into your day more consciously. It seems as though people will feel overloaded and suddenly switch to playing Candy Crush on their phone (not knowing why they do this). The problem with doing this compulsively (without intention) is that it may be hard to get back to the more complex tasks that need to be done.

One can organize their day to work on complex tasks for periods of time and then pull out of them several times a day to replenish the cerebral capacity to go back into a more complex task again. By keeping this organized one can continually be getting the more difficult tasks done and not allowing the rote tasks to take up too much time.

Examples can include simple video games that are not challenging but highly engaging. Home chores like vacuuming and ironing can also be good things to do to restore your cognitive load. A card game like solitaire can also be restorative because of how easy it is to do the task. During rote activity the mind will start to integrate different pieces of information and can actually lead to sudden creative breakthroughs. Many artists, theorists and other complex thought leaders often describe their big insights coming during rote activities. The mind needs to move into a lower gear to rest so that it can come back into a higher gear.

Focused attention is a kind of resource utilization, whereas rote activity and boredom require far fewer resources. While we may think of focus as an ideal state where one can be productive and creative, rote attention (and even boredom) are just as important and play critical roles in our well-being. (Mark, 2023)

Using Mindfulness As A Way Out Of Distraction

Being in control of your attention means first of all developing a conscious awareness of how you use it. (Mark, 2023)

The other helpful resource for managing your attention is the ability to be aware of what you are doing from moment to moment. Mindfulness allows us to notice our loss of focus and to manage what we are doing in the moment. If you are able to recognize yourself doom scrolling it may be a way of restoring your cognitive resources so you can go back to more complex processing. This is a good use of time, if, and this is a big if, you are able to find your way back to the complex task. When a task is causing significant discomfort due to its complexity our subconscious processes will often push into procrastination strategies rather than short periods of brain replenishment.

When we are in a mindful state and we are procrastinating or avoiding our more difficult tasks we can ask ourselves why. Why don’t we want to do something? What are we avoiding? These are the questions that can be helpful. It does require some element of noticing where your attention is going. If you unconsciously flow from one attentional distraction to the next you can’t really notice that there is a pattern of shunning some activity or project.

How Attention Impacts Our Relationships

…it’s not just that people feel stressed when they multitask and are exhausted, but they may convey these negative emotions to others. (Mark, 2023)

One of the big challenges of cognitive depletion is being with others. When we feel drained at the end of the day it can often become difficult to manage our emotions, connect with others and be our best selves.

People will often describe this by saying “I’m done,” or “the tank is empty.” When this is the case it is necessary to move towards some kind of rote activity or to head for bed in order to rebuild your brain resources.

When we aren’t aware of how sapped we are we might become grumpy or short with people. This kind of behavior puts stress on our relationships and makes it hard for people to be around us. The lack of cognitive resources is okay but it is important to have the ability to name it and bring it to your loved ones so they understand why you are having a hard time.

One thing that can be helpful also is to take a short break. I often encourage some of my clients to just take a rest for 20 or 30 minutes when they return home. This can often feel refreshing and they are able to regroup and be more engaged with their people.

It is important to note that when our capacity to engage relationally is low we might divert ourselves with our phones or other digital distractions. This often can alienate the people we love. I can think of times where I felt this mind exhaustion and would want to get on my phone. I can recall my sons saying, “daddy get off your phone.” What I was avoiding was the complexity of my familial relationships. My phone offers an easier place to put my focus. However, I do this compulsively rather than with clear awareness. If I can recognize this behavior I can acknowledge that I need a cognitive breather.

Instead of getting to this point it is better to have a plan to take a break when you end work so that you can feel more refreshed entering the space with your loved ones.

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my personal and professional life, I find where I put my attention to be one that really affects how I feel and how connected I am to others. I love to learn new things and whenever I have a free moment I’m often plugged into some podcast, audio book or another way of taking in information. I used to think this was such a gift to have the privilege to learn so many things.

I have begun to think that this way of using my attention is not helpful. I think this constant stream of information actually does tend to tax my cognition and lead me to feeling somewhat cranky and irritable later in the day.

There is a real value to just sitting and not having some stream of knowledge coursing into my consciousness. In the sitting my mind is given the space to integrate what I just digested. This integration is important and one of the things that I don’t believe we consider as part of our capacity to stay fresh and engaged in the present moment.

It seems like the same lesson that I am continually learning: slow down, be present and pay attention to what matters most, the people in my life. When I have a plan to be resourced throughout the day it is much easier to do this.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Mark, Gloria. (2023) Attention Span: A Groundbreaking Way to Restore Balance, Happiness and Productivity. Hanover Square Press. Toronto, Ontario, Canada

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Cultivating A Quiet Ego

bryce — Wed, 06 Mar 2024 18:41:19 +0000

In our current times it might be obvious to say that having more self enhancement is not what our world needs. Instead, it may be that what we need is a way to be with ourselves that isn’t enhancing who we are or diminishing ourselves.

The quiet ego is a concept that allows for the middle ground between shaming ourselves and being too self-absorbed.

This is not a silent ego but one that allows us to be attuned to our needs and the needs of those around us.

…the quiet ego constructs a self-identity that is neither excessively self-focused nor excessively other-focused. (Bauer, et. al., 2014)

What is a quiet ego?

We often think of ego as originating from the word egotistical or someone who is absorbed in themselves. Our egos are not good or bad but a necessary part of how we make sense of ourselves and the world around us. We don’t want to get rid of our ego. We need to have a sense of self.

The challenge in today’s world is that our society often is pushing people to continually focus on their needs, wants and desires. This creates an ego that becomes really loud wanting more and more without concern for our planet and those around us.

It is also true that some people grow up in very undernourished environments and come out of these childhoods feeling a deep sense of unworthiness. In some cases they don’t have a sense of self at all. These people look towards others for what they should want, need and desire.

Neither of these ways of relating to the world is healthy. A healthy ego is what Scott Barry Kaufman calls the quiet ego. This is an ego that has four main components.

1). Mindful Awareness: people with a quieter ego are living in the moment and aware of their judgments and personal viewpoints without the need to put them on other people. It is not a naive awareness, as people with this way of being in the world are aware of the downsides of things.

2). Inclusive Identity: the quiet ego is wanting to collaborate with others. There is an openness to working together and being equally focused on the relational experience as the outcome of the task.

3). Perspective Taking: those with a quiet ego find it easy to walk in other people’s shoes and provide empathy. It is not necessary to only assert one’s needs but to be aware of the process that all needs have importance.

4). Personal Growth: having a quiet ego comes with wanting to develop oneself for the good of the whole. A person with this more relaxed sense of self has a strong pro-social attitude and a desire to both improve oneself while also improving things around them.

The idea of healthy self-esteem is another way of describing the quiet ego. Unhealthy self-esteem would be a need to inflate oneself above others. When we cultivate a quiet ego we limit the need to be self-righteous. When we have a healthy sense of our strengths and weaknesses we feel less activated by other’s judgments and criticism. When our ego quiets down we can feel a different level of connection and peacefulness with those around us.

It is important to note that a quiet ego is not necessarily being quiet. This is not about quieting one’s personality. If you are expressive and full of energy this doesn’t mean you need to change those qualities. It means you can still be expressive while also being attuned to those around you and not asserting your opinions and points of view over others. Instead, you can take in others ideas and mindfully listen to what others are thinking. It also means allowing everyone to have a seat at the table, not just people that are agreeable to one’s point of view.

Having a substantial quieting of the ego is strongly related to having a strong, not weak, sense of self and with increased, not weakened, authenticity. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

Quieting Your Ego

Here are some ideas of how to create a softer presence in the world by cultivating a quiet ego:

Developing more self-compassion for yourself. Often when we struggle with others it is our own negative self concept that gets in the way. We have to assert our position strongly because our sense of self is on the line. When we have more self-compassion we are not triggered by another’s opinion because we know we are okay even when someone disagrees with you. You can practice self-compassion meditation here.
Gratitude practice can be a way of seeing the best in others by thinking of ways you feel gratitude in your life.
Assume positive intent. This is a life practice and it is one that can really be helpful in interpersonal relationships. It means that when we are communicating with someone we assume that they regard us in the best light. Often when someone disagrees with us we can feel defensive and irritated. When we assume that this person has a positive intention for us we can slow down and listen better.
Mindfully consider your interactions with others. Take an objective look at how you show up with the people you love and work with to understand better if you are coming with an ease or more anxious experience. Why are you anxious? What is it that gets in the way of feeling comfortable and safe with people? It is often this internal response that is out of our awareness that drives our defensiveness and self-righteous behavior.
Spend time in nature or experiencing awe. There is a lot of new science out there that encourages us to feel our connection with the cosmos. This means how you relate to things bigger than yourself. When we see the world as bigger than ourselves we can feel how limited we are and find a greater sense of humility. A quiet ego is a humble ego.

People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than working to help only yourself. (Barry Kaufman, 2020).

How this shows up in my life.

In my own life I think when I’m at my best my ego is much quieter. I can listen and not react to people’s points of view or even their critiques of my way of thinking. Instead I’m listening and assuming their ideas have nothing to do with me personally. In these moments I feel grounded in my body and open in my mind and heart.

This is when I’m at my best. Often my ego is very loud and I get defensive and annoyed by what others are saying. I find myself trying to protect my ego from anything that puts me in a bad light.

I believe that the quiet ego is something of an aspiration I have for myself where I can listen to people and not get reactive or self-righteous. I don’t think I’ll ever get “good” at it but maybe better and that is what will help me in my life and in my relationships.

If you or someone you know wants to work on quieting your ego please contact me!

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Barry Kaufman, Scott. (2020). Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization. New York, NY. TarcherPerigree.

Bauer, Jack, et al. (2014). The Quiet Ego Scale: Measuring The Compassionate Self-Identity. Journal of Happiness Studies, 15(3) 2-38. DOI 10.1007/s10902-014-9546-z

BRASSBALLS TENDER HEART | Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC

Relationship Coaching and Counseling For Men in Denver, Colorado

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Real Toughness as a Man

bryce — Mon, 01 Jan 2024 22:52:23 +0000

Toughness is a word often associated with the ability to endure pain and discomfort.

This view of toughness doesn’t give the word enough credit. This month I want to talk about how this old view limits the power of mental resilience and the ability to take on challenges.

Bryce Giron Mathern of Brass Balls Tender Heart discusses toughness as a man and how it affects our mental health as men.
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Fake toughness

The old idea of toughness still permeates our culture. My guess is it is still the predominant idea of what it means to be tough. This idea of toughness means having a thick outer shell that doesn’t let anything in. Tough means not feeling things and not being affected. Toughness in this way is about not showing any vulnerability. In many ways it means becoming cold and unfeeling.

Tough men are to be like robots often pushing ourselves to greater levels of achievement and riches. We cannot fear the consequences…the insomnia, anxiety and depressive symptoms. We just keep going without any awareness of how this makes us feel inside.

I see this old toughness mentality in my office quite often. Men who are confused when I ask them to notice what they are experiencing inside. At first, they don’t know what I’m talking about. As I explain to them how important it is to listen to the signals in their body they start to slowly allow these internal feeling states to emerge.

For too long, our definition of toughness revolved around a belief that the toughest individuals are ones who have thick skin, fear nothing, constrain any emotional reaction, and hide all signs of vulnerability. In other words, they are callous.

(Magness, 2022)

Fake tough is not tough.

The problem with the present view of toughness is that it is killing men in the United States at an alarming rate. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from 2001 to 2021 the suicide rate for men in the U.S. has increased by 36%. There are a lot of factors in why this has happened. I’m going to guess that one of the major reasons is the need for men to appear strong and invincible when inside they are falling apart.

This tough invulnerability often limits men seeking help or getting any support before they believe they have run out of options.

Fake toughness creates fragility, responding out of fear, suppressing what we feel, and attempting to press onward no matter the situation or demands. (Magness, 2022)

This idea of toughness is often a way out of the discomfort that is actually happening. Men will use substances, aggression, repression of emotions, positivity and other strategies to avoid the pain they are feeling inside. The real truth is that it is hard for men to handle the pain they are feeling and they often avoid it.

…in the old model of toughness, we’re told that emotions should be ignored or suppressed. We shun instead of embrace what we feel. The old model falls short. In order to navigate discomfort, we need to listen to the messages our body is sending. (Magness, 2022)

Real toughness

Being truly tough involves a much more nuanced way of being connected to ourselves than just avoiding the pain and discomfort we feel. As this strategy of fake toughness fails our bodies call us to turn towards what is happening inside us. We must learn to navigate the difficult emotional experiences we are having from moment to moment when challenges arise. This involves turning into the turbulent feelings that arise in our bodies as well as the rush of thoughts going through our minds. We learn to stop avoiding our inner emotional world and instead we confront it with gentle courage.

The more we learn to do this the more capable we become in being able to handle our lives. This allows us to make more informed decisions. We feel our head, heart and gut coming together to help us know what to do in the moment. We don’t feel like we are faking it but we connect with our intuitive nature and listen and feel what is true for us in the moment. This is what it means to be resilient. It means no matter the challenge in front we can handle it because we don’t have to run from the feelings inside or act inauthentic about what is happening. We can be fully honest and meet the moment with a sense of wholeness.

Over time, we gain the ability to pay attention to our inner world, navigate the experience without freaking out, and ultimately make better decisions. As adults, we all have the machinery and capacity to develop that ability. (Magness, 2022)

How this shows up in my life.

I can remember playing varsity football as a junior in High School. During one practice I was asked to block the All-state linebacker on our team. This guy probably outweighed me by seventy pounds. As I cut inside I slammed my right shoulder into his body and fell to the ground. I recall groaning on the ground because I hurt my shoulder. The linebacker looked at me and laughed. I got up and immediately ran back to the huddle ashamed of my pain. I would not seek any help. I would not tell anyone that day that I hurt myself.

These are the moments we face in our lives. Whether being shamed by a much larger man or being called out by our partners or kids, men are taught to run from the feelings that we experience. Whether this is emotional or physical pain it is the same response. Don’t feel it. “I’m fine.”

This training actually leads men to be much more vulnerable in their lives. This old/fake toughness makes it so much harder to live our lives connected to loved ones because we have to fake what we are feeling.

The truth is, everyone around us knows that we are bullshitting them.

I have changed so much since that time as a 16 year old kid playing football. I have worked hard to be honest with what is happening inside me and talk about it with the people who love me. I still fail all the time but I keep coming back to climb the mountain again and again. The more I try and be honest about my feelings, the more I realize that the only one that is shaming me is myself. Everyone else is just trying to love me. I have to let them in. I do this by really being tough and feeling what is happening inside me.

If you or someone you know wants to learn how to find real toughness I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:
Magness, Steve. (2022). Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness. Harper One. New York, NY.

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Ways to Find a Balanced Masculine Presence

bryce — Tue, 30 May 2023 17:27:50 +0000

The struggle in a man’s relationships can often be one of being fully present with the moment. When we can slow down and fully be there for the people we love, it changes everything.

For men, who are oriented primarily to their masculine energy it is imperative for intimate relationships to create a safe grounded presence for the feminine energy to thrive in. This creates room for intimacy to flourish. How can a more masculine oriented being find that presence? How does one lead the feminine? Let’s explore this more…

The evolutionary practice of patience entails standing straight, feeling your expansive nature, and recognizing that you are full. It’s saying to your partner, “No matter what you throw at me, I can be the one to say yes. I’m going to stay connected to you in this intensity we call love. (Robert Kandell, 2018)

What is Masculine Presence?

The call to masculine presence is in many ways a turning away from the toxic masculinity that is often unconscious and ego building. Masculine presence is asking men to show up differently, not just with their lovers but also their colleagues, children, friends and family. It means fully stepping into the moment to moment flow of life and being aware of what is happening both in ourselves and in those around us.

When a man is in his masculine presence it allows for the woman in the relationship to relax and move into their feminine. When a man is present in his body, breath and awareness he can be that force of strength that the feminine oriented person is longing for. So much gets easier in relationships when the masculine shows up fully.

Most women are craving for their man to be in his own power, as long as he is inclusive, collaborative, and not domineering. (G.S. Youngblood, 2019)

When we are present we are not considering the future or the past. We are in the now of life. This means we are focused on something that is happening right now. It may be the breath, the words someone is saying, our feet on the ground or even the sounds around us. It doesn’t mean our phones or social media. When we come into contact with the people we love it is important to step fully into that moment so these people can feel the depth of our presence.

Being present with your loved ones involves an open heart, strong spine and attention to them while also having enough awareness of where you are in the moment. This involves being very flexible because I need to toggle awareness from the person I’m with to my inner states quickly. My nervous system is calm and receptive and I’m ready to support and foster safety.

Now put all of these elements together in a dynamic meditation—legs grounded, belly full of the life force of breath, heart relaxed and open, body-mind awareness resting as infinite consciousness. Amplify each trait, as if you could fill every cell of your body and, eventually, the room with their textures. Be sure to scan your body for any tension and let each exhalation relax you even more. The end result will be a full, relaxed, grounded, heart-opened, and conscious presence that will have a very particular impact on anyone in front of you (especially a sexual partner). (John Wineland, 2022)

Fostering Safety and Trust

Being fully available and flexible with the people around us creates a sense of safety for those you love. When you are in an emotional state that keeps you away from your partner and children they will feel your lack of presence and the uncertainty that comes with this.

When we move into a presence and connection with our loved ones it allows the tension in the room to relax. The people around the masculine oriented being can feel the increased safety.

For the feminine to trust there needs to be a sense of the masculine showing up. When the masculine is lost in self-indulgence (TV, smart phone, porn) the feminine cannot trust that they are safe. It isn’t a bodily safety (although it could be in certain contexts) but more that things are not in order and the feminine and masculine polarity is not being expressed. Without this sense of masculine presence a feminine being will close and wilt. This will often show up as irritation and questioning if things are getting done correctly. This can be infuriating to the masculine oriented person. It is important to step back and realize what the feminine oriented being really wants.

…as masculine beings it is important to know that if we want to bring a relaxing and trustable presence to any moment, slowing down and grounding is paramount. In this way, we can impact any situation, person, or environment with the transmission of grounded strength and consciousness. (John Wineland, 2022)

The Power of Intimacy

Intimacy is the fuel of healthy relationships. It is what we long to feel with our partners. Intimacy is not a given, but something we work at everyday. When we feel a deep connection with our partners whether they are with us or not, that is deep intimacy. The way to cultivate this deep connection is showing up in your masculine presence.

It requires a level of getting to know someone by really listening to their words and considering their point of view. In order to do this it is imperative that one is present in the moment and paying attention to their partner.

…you only feel utterly fulfilled in intimacy when you and your lover trust each other so much that you are willing to let down your guards, open your hearts, and love.

(David, Deida, 2008)

Not Being Knocked Off the Ground

In order for the feminine to feel safe the masculine must be able to handle the storminess of the feminine essence. When a woman is upset and is wildly expressing herself this is the time to find your masculine presence. It is to hold the space for the feminine and not move into reactivity and defensiveness. When this happens the feminine oriented being is lost. They can’t find the ground of their masculine oriented partner. This means the feminine must leave their feminine energy and move into their masculine in order to manage the situation. This ends the polarity. It often means the woman loses her sense of being in her energetic nature. For most women who are oriented towards the feminine this is maddening.

If she’s throwing wild emotion at you, LEAD her out of emotional chaos by being grounded and holding space for her intensity. (G.S. Youngblood, 2019).

This is easier sad than done. I get it. It starts with getting out of our little boy brains and stepping up and tolerating our impulse to defend and react.

How This Shows Up in My Life

I never really understood what it means to be a man. I have never felt a clear definition. What I have come to over time is this: the ability to hold the tension of the moment with the people we love and not do anything that punishes them because of our own discomfort.

Life is challenging and being a partner and raising children adds more complexity. Being our best selves must involve being there for the people we care about. What, “being there,” means is tricky. I believe that it means really stepping into the moment with our fullness of masculinity, breath, body and awareness. When I do this I feel like I’m being my best self. It isn’t perfect and I often fail at it.

Masculine presence isn’t something you become, it is a daily practice. It is a commitment to being in the discomfort, joy, confusion and love of those we care about. When we can truly hold the ground and allow our people to feel trust and safety we are expressing the healthy masculine this world has been longing for.

If you or someone you know wants to explore the practice of masculine presence I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References

Deida, David. (2008). Blue Truth. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Kendall, Robert. (2108). unHIDDEN: A Book For Men and Those Confused by Them. Independently Published.

Wineland, John. (2022). From the Core: A New Masculine Paradigm for Leading with Love, Living Your Truth, and Healing the World. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Youngblood, G.S.. (2019). The Masculine In Relationship: A Blueprint for the Trust, Lust and Devotion of a Strong Woman. Independently Published.

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Emotional Sovereignty and Men’s Emotions

bryce — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 18:35:28 +0000

In the world of intimate partnership it is often the case that we are caught up in our emotions and placing them on our partner. This projective process is quite normal. However, it can be painful for our loved ones. Emotional Sovereignty is the ability to fully own our emotional experience without placing it on others. This requires internal emotional awareness and the ability to notice the dysregulation in our own bodies. When it comes to men’s emotions, our experience can be different from women’s.

What is emotional sovereignty?

Put simply it means owning your own shit. It is someone who has developed enough internal awareness of their own emotional responses that they don’t put it on the people around them.

Not having emotional sovereignty is someone who comes home after a stressful day at work and takes out their stress and frustration on their family. Nobody means to do this. They are lacking in emotional awareness and the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings inside them. As a result they behave in unhealthy ways and blame everyone around them. Let’s look at men’s emotions specifically, (as a Denver men’s therapist, this is in my direct line of work).

In his book Men’s Work, Connor Beaton describes it like this, “Emotional sovereignty is about you being in direct contact with your emotions—how they manifest physically and feel in the body, where they come from historically or in the moment, and what they are trying to tell you or teach you.” (Beaton, 144)

The toddler brain.

I’m stealing the idea of the toddler brain from Steven Stosny from his book, Soar Above: How To Use The Most Profound Part Of Your Brain Under Any Kind Of Stress.

I like the idea of the toddler brain because I think it explains how our limbic system (the emotional area of our brain) can get overwhelmed. When our limbic system is flooded we act out with blame, criticism and aggression. This is the opposite of emotional sovereignty. When we are pulled into our toddler brain we are just reacting and not responding to the world around us.

In Dr. Stosny’s book he explains that our brains actually learn how to be in relationship when at the toddler stage (age 2 and 3). This is when our brains are less developed. Our limbic systems are pretty well developed by age three so we have access to our full arsenal of emotions. What isn’t fully developed is what Dr. Stosny calls the adult brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain that makes sense of things and helps determine what is really happening versus what we are making up. As toddlers, we all learned to use our emotions to get our needs met. This often meant yelling, pushing and throwing tantrums. This all makes sense when we are two and three years old. However, as adults this is not very helpful.

When we are in our toddler brain (overactive limbic response) we see the other person as the reason for our reactions rather than being aware of our reactions. “If I’m angry it’s because you are being a jerk and if I’m anxious you are scaring me.” The toddler brain is overreacting to what the other person is doing which leads us to act out in our relationships.

Learning how to get out of the toddler brain.

If you think about what we are reacting to when we are in a difficult discussion with a partner or friend is the feeling that we are being undermined, dismissed or put down. We are in protective mode and we are attempting to protect ourselves from what we perceive as slights to our self identity.

For Dr. Stosny, the way to get out of the toddler brain is to hold on to our self value when we are in those difficult conversations (arguments). We hold that we are valuable no matter how we perceive the other person is perceiving us. This gives us immunity to what the other person says, not because we don’t care what they are saying but because we know that we have value even if we perceive them as devaluing us.

It could go like this: Your partner: “You never help around the house.”

Your inner voice: “I know I’m not perfect but I make a real effort to support my partner and my family because a core value is my commitment to the people I love.”

Your partner: “You’re always late.”

Your inner voice: “I sometimes get distracted at work and I need to be better at this but I know I’m getting better and I will be on time more in the future. I value being respectful to the people I love.”

By connecting to our self-value we don’t have to get caught up in the other person’s narrative and know that we are not who they are projecting onto in that moment. This allows us to stay in the conversation and not get as triggered by their response. This is emotional sovereignty.

Men’s Emotions and Holding Intensity

For many men the challenge of a relationship is being able to manage their own internal activation when their partner gets upset. When our lover gets upset we often feel threatened by their response.

The two most common responses to this activation is shutdown or defend. Shutting down is a nervous system freeze response. This is a rigid and checked out feeling. Defending is often a fight response. Either way leaves our partners alone and more angry and agitated.

Holding intensity is being able to tolerate the internal sensations and emotions while also staying in connection with our partners. I’m going to be honest…this is really hard to do. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth working on.

For me there are two things that can help with this. One is getting more connected to your breathing and staying with your breath. The more we can get into awareness of our body the more regulated we will stay. The second one that is helpful is by repeating mantras that remind you that you’re safe.

“I’m okay and {insert name of partner} is in pain.”

“Relax and connect.”

“I love you and I’m here for you.”

I would encourage you to use something like this and put it into your own words.

Training your nervous system to handle intensity and anxiety is the path to becoming less reactive. (Youngblood, 2019)

How this shows up in my life.

As I was writing this blog post I was thinking about how this idea of being sovereign could be taken the wrong way. It could be understood as a reason to isolate and not engage in a relationship. That’s not what sovereign means. The meaning of sovereign is to exercise power. Being able to be in charge of our emotions so that we can exercise our power in a healthy, respectful way. When we don’t have emotional sovereignty we lose ourselves in the reactivity of the moment and are lost in defensiveness or emotional stoicism.

I have been working hard on this super power for a few years now and I have gotten better. I still fail often but I know that my failure is not a measure of my ability to be a good partner. What I have realized is that I am the one that has emotions. I’m the one that gets angry, happy or irritated. Nobody else is making me feel how I feel. Not my wife, my kids or the guy flipping me off in traffic. In realizing this I’m the one solely responsible for how I feel, think and experience the world.

My job is to own this and not put it on anyone else. This to me is the real power of being emotionally sovereign. I don’t make other people accountable for my emotions. This is what brings more harmony into my relationships and allows me to feel more connected in my life.

If you or someone you know wants to feel more emotionally sovereign, I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Beaton, Connor. (2023). Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, and Find Freedom. Boulder, CO. Sounds True.

Stosny, Steven, Soar Above: How To Use The Most Profound Part Of Your Brain Under Any Kind Of Stress. Florida. Health Communications Inc.

Youngblood, G.S. (2019) The Masculine In Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman. Self Published.

The post Emotional Sovereignty and Men’s Emotions appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Considering Divorce: Should I Get a Lawyer?

bryce — Mon, 03 Jan 2022 18:18:52 +0000

(Don’t Lawyer Up… Yet.)

Read This First… Points to Consider Before You Lawyer Up

Should I get a lawyer…. you may be asking yourself this right now after a particularly bad event or fight. It is natural to want to defend ourselves when we feel threatened. When the people we love are being critical, blaming or outright hostile we want to deny their opinion of us. In this defensive posture we act as lawyers, not listening or caring for the other but finding reasons they are wrong. What if we changed our defensive posture to one that allowed for a more present openhearted response? What if we were able to listen to understand rather than plan our response as a way to fight back? What if these interactions stopped being about winning and started being about understanding?

Should I get a lawyer for my divorce? Should I get divorced? Some points to consider before you decide to lawyer up.

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When Your Relationship or Marriage Feels Like It’s Over

Our primitive response to threat comes in a flash. We can feel our face, arms and hands tighten and our mind focuses energy towards the person we perceive as attacking. Immediately we want to defend against what they are saying. We want to turn the argument around and put it on our partner…accuse them for what we are being accused.

If this sounds familiar it is because we all do this. We all get defensive when we feel we are being barraged with aggressive energy. The thing we do next is often start to listen for reasons the other person is wrong. This is why I liken this to being a lawyer. A person who is steeped in the law is often engaging a witness not to understand them but to find out the mistakes in their testimony. By doing this they are strengthening their case.

In some ways we are all defense attorneys attempting to protect ourselves by coming up with reasons the other person is wrong. The problem with this strategy is that we aren’t in a court of law. We are in our home with someone we love.

Trying to avoid or control other people doesn’t resolve your reactivity.Michael P. Nichols

So what is a better solution?

Awareness Is Key

I feel like a broken record talking about awareness because I talk about it a lot in these blog posts. The truth is nothing really can improve if we aren’t aware of what’s happening. When we are aware of how we are experiencing someone’s intrusion into our mental space then we have more options. We can begin to manage what is happening inside us and move out of the anxiety/anger by being aware of it and naming it.

We do this by being aware of the tension in our chests and the difficulty in our breath. We may even have enough resilience in the moment to say “I’m feeling anxious and upset.” Once we have started to feel it and name it we have already started to shift our primitive response out of fight flight and into a more manageable set of nervous system responses.

Being Generous

One of the challenges of really listening is that it takes energy and focus. It means we have to work to be a good listener. It means giving generously of ourselves. Often when we are being attacked by someone the last thing we want to do is be generous.

Often it’s a burden. Not, perhaps, the perfunctory attention we grant as part of the give-and-take of everyday life. But the sustained attention of careful listening—that takes strenuous and unselfish restraint. To listen well we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person’s need for attention.

Michael P. Nichols

It is important to acknowledge that in order to be a better listener we need to be very generous with our mental resources. So how do we become more generous with our mental energy so that we can listen better? We have to decide to do it. We have to be intentional. Set an intention each day that you will be generous with your partner/loved one and work to be more present with them. The intention will continually focus you towards doing the thing you are intending more often.

Acceptance

The value of acceptance is that it allows us to stop fighting what is. It doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and encourage our loved ones to treat us better. Acceptance is allowing, in the moment, what is happening. I think it also comes into play in how we listen to each other. For a long time I wanted my partner to talk to me in a certain way. I would groan and send all kinds of non-verbal feedback to her that her way of saying things wasn’t okay with me. I wasn’t listening to her words often I was just pissed that she talked to me a certain way.

What I have tried to do (sometimes successfully and sometimes not) lately is accept that she sometimes expresses herself in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I may offer some boundary if it feels extreme but mostly I’ve worked to be okay with her voice inflection and volume. What this has done is it has allowed me to settle into the conversation more without trying to control her way of talking. This has allowed her to feel more seen and listened to and actually changed the way she talks to me. Funny isn’t it? When we accept people as they are they start to feel safer around us and they don’t need to express themselves in ways that feel uncomfortable.

A relationship matures when you can allow the other person to be who he or she is. If your mother criticizes everybody and you can’t accept this, your life may be dominated by your attempt to stop her (and everybody else, for that matter) from criticizing anything or anyone. Once you can let your mother be a person who’s critical—in other words, accept that she is who she is—you don’t have to fight it or organize your life around it.

Michael P. Nichols

How This Shows Up In My Life

Ohhhh…I wish I could say that I’ve become a successful listener and really do this most of the time. The truth is that I struggle with being present with my loved ones all the time. I get triggered and instantly start to lawyer up.

The shift in me is that I can sometimes notice when I’m doing this and slow down and open my heart. When I do this the energy in the room changes and there is a much better chance that what ever is being argued or fought about will find a resolution.

The most common strategy I see in my practice is people organizing around their partner’s behaviors and trying and get them to change so that they can then be good partners. I also did this for much of my marriage. Now my goal is to focus on me. I intend each day to listen with a present open heart for the good of my partner and the good of our relationship. My goal is not to win the argument but to understand my partner and learn more about who she is as a person.

As I type this all I can think about are the times I have failed. I also can recall times that have gone well. I believe we are always doing the best we can with the resources we have in our lives. Don’t let yourself off the hook…and be patient. Little micro changes over a long time bring you to a new way of listening.

If you or someone you know is struggling with how to listen effectively I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Nichols, Michael, P. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

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