Internal Family Systems is a psychotherapy modality that engages subpersonalities or what are called parts. These parts often come from our younger years and they continually force us into behaviors we no longer want to do or emotional states we no longer want to feel. Getting to know these parts can help bring significant change to how we show up in the world.

…how we think about and relate to the inhabitants of our inner worlds translates directly to how we think about and relate to people. If we live in fear of and strive to control certain parts of us, we will do the same to people who resemble those parts. (Schwartz, 2021)

Why Parts Work?

One of the first books I read when I considered becoming a psychotherapist was the book, Internal Family Systems Therapy, by the founder of this modality Dick Schwartz. It seemed strange when I first read about it but I was very intrigued about how this could work for clients. At the time I was more interested in the body-based therapy I was doing and also incorporating Buddhist psychology into my work. Still, I never let go of the ideas of that first book and its impact on me.

Recently, I was able to join a training for IFS (this is what most people call it). Since doing the training I have been amazed at how it has impacted my own life as well as my clients. I’d like to spend this post talking about the ideas and benefits of Internal Family Systems and how it can support anyone’s mental health issues.

What Are Parts?

It can seem strange to think of yourself as a bunch of parts. Often it feels safer to feel like one cohesive self that is in control of your life. Starting to understand ourselves as multiple parts that are often in control of us can seem unsettling. I often think of myself as having an inner and outer world. The outer world is the world that I’m more often focused on which involves everything outside of my body and mind. The inner world however, is also quite complex and whether I’m engaging emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories or visuals there is a lot going on in my inner world.

Since starting Internal Family Systems therapy I have begun to see my inner world as a bunch of parts trying to protect and support my survival. Parts are not an estimation of something wrong but another way of understanding ourselves by delving into how these “sub-personalities” impact our lives. All these parts are in service to my survival.

Parts do need to come into relationship with us, not because they are bad, but because they are misdirected. Often they are younger parts and they still believe that the person they are protecting is still the same age when the part came into being. When we come into relationship with a part we can help that part to learn what has happened since that younger time and the part can learn to trust that a person is now more capable as an adult.

What Is Self?

Self is how IFS defines one’s essential nature. It is the pure you that exists in all spiritual traditions. In Buddhism they call it Buddha nature. In Christianity some call it Christ consciousness. In Judaism the Self, or soul, is called Neshamah which translates to breath. The Self is not a part or a personality but the divine nature that exists in all of us. It is not something that lives or dies. It always was and always will be.

The Self is not affected by trauma or painful events in our life. We can always access the Self in our day to day lives. However, for many of us the parts of us that are trying to protect us keep getting in the way of being who we really are.

What IFS does that is unique to other modalities is that it recognizes Self as our natural way of being. It then offers a way to live more in Self. By building relationships with all of our parts we can begin the journey back to our True Self. As the parts feel more connected to you they start to ease up in their roles and it is easier to live more in Self energy. Self energy is when a person is being their best. There is a grounded, open, loving way of moving through the world when we are in Self energy.

I have always thought that my primary goal in working with clients is to help them rediscover their True Self. Some clients have found this for fleeting moments. I now believe I have a much clearer way to support clients in that goal.

Within each of us is a wise, compassionate essence of goodness that knows how to relate harmoniously. In addition, we’re not one messed-up mind, but an internal system of parts. Sure, these parts can sometimes be disruptive or harmful, but once they’re unburdened, they return to their essential goodness. (Schwartz, 2021)

The Compassion Of IFS

The other thing that has really stood out for me in doing IFS is the level of compassion that I often experience when I do this work. When I work with a client I am noticing any parts that are getting away from my Self energy. This means I’m letting go of any agenda parts or irritated parts. By staying in Self energy I can bring compassion to the client and the parts he is getting to know in the session.

This modality also allows room for all parts. Nothing that comes up in a session is bad, unhelpful or unnecessary. Instead, everything is important to the maintenance of a client’s system. Every part matters and the client I am working with is not trying to get rid of a part but instead to bring compassion to it.

Connecting To Your Younger Self

In my last post I talked about how integrating the emotional brain with the thinking brain is an important part of all psychotherapeutic work. As I get more into the details of what IFS is doing for clients a big part is this integration.

Many of your parts are younger parts that are still acting out the painful experiences of childhood. A person who feels abandoned will have a part that may not be willing to engage in intimacy because of the fear of being abandoned. When this part is recognized suddenly this earlier way of experiencing the person’s life can change. Just by bringing this part into awareness allows for the part to settle down. It can reopen a person to new behaviors that were not accessible when the parts were actively engaging in these childhood adaptive strategies.

I like to think of being led by Self is a way to become the parent of our parts. In taking leadership we can allow these younger parts to be led by the compassionate parent that wasn’t always available when we were children. In doing this we can relax many of the internal divisions that often are unconscious. This is a way of describing the integration of the thinking brain and the emotional brain.

When our rational and emotional aspects are connected in this way, we don’t feel internal conflict, because there isn’t any. Free of inner conflict, we feel peaceful, open to joy, and open to giving and receiving love. (Paul, 2012)

How This Shows Up In My Life.

I have been doing the IFS training as well as doing my own IFS therapy over the last four months. I can honestly say that I have felt a significant shift in how I am showing up in my relationships and the level of energy I have. I am noticing I feel less stressed and more grounded. I have also started to sleep better.

In some ways IFS started as a way to provide a new modality for working with clients. As I end the training I can see it more as a way of life. Thinking in parts language allows me to be in touch with the adaptive strategies from my childhood. The blaming part that wants to find someone else for my internal struggle. The self-righteous part that wants to feel how much better I am than others. The impatient part that can’t believe my kids aren’t doing what I say.

As I engage my parts and build relationships with them they start to relax and I move more into Self energy. When I’m in Self energy I find I’m tapping into an inexhaustible amount of vitality.

I’m also noticing how much more compassion I’m feeling for myself and the people around me. When I’m in Self-energy those annoyed irritated parts are coming up and they settle down quicker.

It has only been four months but I can see my True Self emerging like never before.

If you want to explore getting to know your parts or know someone else who does please contact me here.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Anderson, Frank (2021). Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems. Pesi Publishing. Eau Claire, WI.

Paul, Margaret. (2012). Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child. Harper One Publishing. San Francisco, California.

Schwartz, Richard. (2023). Introduction to Internal Family Systems. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

Schwartz, Richard. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

The post The Power Of Parts Work | Men’s Therapy appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Men’s issues are real. Read how self-isolation, panic, worry and stress are affecting men like you and me, right now.

Everyone’s experiences right now are unique to their situation, and if any of these “hit home” let’s work on it from home. Click here to book a virtual therapy session with me.

Focusing on men’s issues we have the following consequences:

Dating: Being and Feeling Alone in Social Isolation

Loneliness during social isolation is certainly prevalent right now. Were you previously trying to get back into dating or were actively seeing someone… that may be cut prematurely shut right now. Online dating seems to be a thing of the relatively recent past currently… when will things return to normal? We don’t know. And, if you were in a new relationship, and were physically connected, that lack of contact and sexual satisfaction could be doing numbers on your mental health. 

Partnering: Feeling Inadequate

If you’re in a marriage or partnership, you might be facing a whole different set of issues. If children are at home from school, your intimate relationship could currently be suffering. Being around each other all the time now (if you used to work outside the house) can also be fertile ground for arguments (both with your partner or your kids). If you recently lost your job due to the economic circumstances of the COVID-19 impact, your self-worth could really be taking a hit right now. 

Fatherhood: How to Be a Leader to Your Kids

You may not know, but I also have a practice called WholeHearted Dads that seeks to offer coaching for Dads who want better connections with their kids. It has evolved because my clients (and myself) are always seeking ways to be better at being a great Dad to their children. During times like these, just being the best man you can be (gentle, bold, strong, genuine) is the best you can do to be a leader to your family. 

Career: (Or, What Career?)

Maybe you were in transition before the pandemic began, hoping for a new career, but now no one is hiring. If you’re lucky, you’re still “stuck” at that unsatisfying job and employed at the very least. But if you were one of the guys that’s been laid off recently and don’t have work since hardly anyone’s hiring, well, I hear you man. Remember that you are not your work. Your work is not you. It can be a passion, a trade, but you are a human, and that is what we all are. 

Surviving Through Stress and Fear

Like cortisol, the chemical released when we are stressed, fear is equally toxic. It’s human to be afraid. As men, we don’t like to admit we’re scared. That’s where telehealth therapy and virtual coaching comes in. You can come out of this stronger, more resilient, healthier, and more confident than ever before – if you’re willing to break down to build up, first. 

Click to Book a Virtual Men’s Coaching Session

(a limited number of sliding scale options are available)

The post Men’s Issues During COVID-19 Pandemic appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Book a virtual therapy appointment by phone or video.

Life was hard without a pandemic. Funny how the things we used to worry about have seemed to disappear now that we are living in a panic state during COVID-19. And you know, funny isn’t the right word. Ironic maybe. Bittersweet perhaps. Devastating, definitely. Lonely, for many. And, for those of us that have lost income or are battling with physical health symptoms, downright frightening.

Guys, we’re all in this together. Man to man coaching can help.

As a man, I know that we’re supposed to be keeping ourselves and our families in tact. The pressure pre-covid was often what my clients met with me about. It ran the gamut as far as life stressors:

• family discord, economic pressure,
• career dissatisfaction,
• relationship mismatches and the fallout,
• wanting to be a better Dad, a better partner.

On the flip side, men would also seek counseling and coaching from me to enhance their mental “game.” Men who seemed to “have it all together” (and needed an outlet to keep it appearing that way). 

Now, more than ever, we need to take care of our mental health.

E-counseling and telehealth are words that used to be faint, maybe even obscure adjectives when discussing mental health options.

We’re used to traditional talk therapy in person. Sitting on “the couch” and going over what wrongs we’ve experienced, how to deal with the unfairness of life, and making plans to get through upcoming difficult times, or coping with past traumas. Now, with self-isolation and working from home, virtual therapy can be an outlet to the world and an inlet to the mind. 

I also offer telehealth and e-counseling for men (and women) who need help with their relationships with each other and themselves.

If you are stuck at home with a partner or family unit that needs some relationship repairing, please make a virtual or phone appointment today. You can still create amazing relationships even while you’re self-isolating. 

And, if you want to come out of this scary time stronger, wiser, and an even better man than you were before, e-counseling, coaching, therapy (whatever word you want to give it) helps. 

Let’s get to work.

The post E-Counseling and Telehealth for Men and Women During COVID-19 appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Sexual intimacy can be a wonderful space for couples to find deeper connection in their relationship. However, far too many couples get lost in the details of making something happen. They get caught up in accomplishing something (orgasm) and lose contact with the playfulness and emotions that can be the foundation for a wonderful sexual connection. How can we create more connection before being sexual so that sex is not used for connection? How can couples communicate more clearly their needs so that these can be met by their partner?

Talk More About What You Want.

For many couples the lack of communication around their sex life is one of the biggest barriers to better intimacy during sex. Sexual performance is focused on physical needs rather than the emotional connection. Men tend to try and insure their partner has an orgasm to prove they are good in the sack. But is this really what their partner wants?

In order to find out it is important that these things are talked about before, during and after sex. This allows misunderstandings to be worked through.

For many women the desire comes not through their genital arousal but by the emotional connection they feel with their partner. When this is in place a greater ease and relaxing of goal can take place. This can be better accomplished by talking about how things feel and what our partner enjoys.

In his book, Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark: Breaking Free from the Hidden Forces That Drive You, Robert Augustus Masters expresses the need to change how we relate to sexual intimacy.

“Many of us employ sex to generate a sense of connection, but this eventually backfires as we get more and more reliant on sex for this. The key here is to connect first, then be sexual, so that sex is an expression of already-present connection.” (Masters, 2018)

Let Go Of Outcome

For many men their idea of sex is around the satisfaction of their partner. Men often experience sex as a desperate holding off of climax so that their partner can climax first. This creates a lot of tension in the man’s body as he attempts to stop his pleasure.

What if sex was not focused around outcome but around sensuality? Sensuality is defined as, “the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.” This is about pursuing pleasure for ourselves and for our partners but not necessarily orgasmic pleasure. This can mean rubbing our hands on their bodies, telling our partners how much we love them…and a thousand other ways of expressing and feeling satisfied.

Sensuality allows for more freedom to touch and be touched without getting anywhere. If or when intercourse happens it is the outcome of many deep sensual moments. If we let go of intercourse as the goal and especially orgasm as the outcome of intercourse we open ourselves up to more sexual play.

Play, by definition means doing things without any kind of purpose or outcome. It is done for the fun of it. Often times foreplay is just that. The play before the thing that is really supposed to happen. If a couple is not attempting to procreate there is no need for intercourse to be the goal of their sexual intimacy. Instead they can allow their desires to take root and just enjoy each other’s bodies.

Instead of going for orgasms, make heartfelt, emotionally vulnerable connection your priority; drop into being orgasmic, making moment-to-moment room for love-suffused sensuality and sexuality that’s not goal oriented. (Masters, 2018).

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my own life I have found that it is difficult to not allow my sexual charge to push me towards intercourse. I can feel that drive when I’m being intimate with my wife. However, when I notice this impulse I try and drop into my heart and feel what is happening for me emotionally. This can help me to stay with the fun of the moment and not be so driven by my genitals. I find the emotional connection to be a more satisfying focus.

As I connect with my own heart I feel a deeper connection with my wife and we can sway with the delight of our bodies contacting one another. In this space we can breathe, gasp, and feel the other’s pleasure while being present with how they are feeling inside.

I have also let myself off the hook from performing in our sexual intimacy. And, I know I don’t have to make her experience happen. I know now that our connection is the point and whatever happens through that is what happens. We are free to explorer and play.

If you need help creating a deeper sexual connection with your partner schedule a free 30 minute consult.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Masters, Robert Augustus. (2018) Bringing Your Shadow Out Of The Dark: Breaking Free From The Hidden Forces That Drive You. Boulder, CO. Sounds True Publishing.

Photo by Kristina Litvjak – Unsplash

The post Finding Sexual Intimacy appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

How People Change

Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are making their life difficult.  They know what they are doing but they don’t know how to change. Change is something that continues to allude the most disciplined. Why is this?

Automatic And Primitive Brain

Often times when we have a behavior we want to change we use our conscious mind to consider the reasons we do it, we make a plan for how to change and then we attempt to move away from that behavior.  However, when we the environmental stimulus comes at us again we find it impossible to not react in similar fashion.  What is happening here?

The conscious mind really only makes up a small portion of the things that help us to make decisions and our ways of reacting to the people in our lives.  Most of what creates this is our automatic mind, the mind below our awareness.  As a result of this we continue to react in the same way until we start to shift the way we perceive the world. This is how Richard O’Conner sees it in his book, Rewire.

The conscious self can certainly make mistakes, but it’s our automatic self that usually causes trouble; it’s guided by motives and prejudices we’re not aware of, our own unique frames of reference that are not in sync with reality, old habits of doing things in a particular way, feelings we try to deny. The automatic self directs most of our behavior, especially spontaneous actions. (O’Connor, 2014) 

How This Shows Up In Life

Let’s look at an example.  Let’s say the behavior you are looking to change is trusting your partner more.  Your conscious mind can’t seem to come up with real reasons why your partner is doing something untrustworthy, yet, time and again you find yourself doubting your partner’s motives and wondering if he or she is interested in someone else.  In a case like this, we first have to look at why there is some issue with trusting others.  Why is it difficult to trust others?  For someone who grew up with caretakers that were chaotic, self-absorbed and not emotionally available,  a child may start to get the idea that people can’t be trusted.  If someone, time and time again, were to be let down by their caretakers they will start to believe that it is hopeless to trust someone.

That same child now has grown up to become an adult.  He is able to differentiate between fantasy and reality as all his brain comes online.  When this person meets their partner they start to see their partner through a similar lens that they saw their caretakers.  The deep unconscious belief may be something like, “people are not trustworthy.”  This belief will then impact much of what this person sees in the world around them.  They will layer on reasons to believe this without anything really being there.

The automatic mind is going to be looking for things in the environment that validate the person’s belief.  They will see their partner talking to someone of the opposite sex as flirting. They will view any moment of a partner’s lack of sexual interest as evidence they are sleeping with someone else.  The automatic mind is organized to create the reality that it believes exists. The partner will find all of these suggestions of unfaithfulness bewildering.  They will wonder if their partner is slightly crazy.

The sad reality is that by constantly punishing a partner for irrational actions and blaming them for things that are not true our partners will start to feel abandoned and lonely.  Sometimes those partners will seek intimacy with another.  When this happens the conspiracy that the person made through their automatic mind is fully validated.  They knew all along that their husband or wife was not trustworthy.

This can play out all too often.  So how do we really change these difficult behaviors?

How We Change

Unfortunately we cannot rid ourselves of unhealthy beliefs.  What we can do is develop new beliefs. In working with a belief around trust it would be important to explorer the pain of growing up in a world where the caretakers couldn’t be trusted.  Although it is impossible to change the events of one’s past the memory of the past is quite malleable.

By discovering moments when these old beliefs were created we can actually modify the beliefs by having a new experience. This experience can allow the inner child to start to believe that they can trust people.

Once someone is willing to see that their reality may have more to do with their past than their present it is possible to help them sort out what is real from what is false.  Once we know that we see things through the same lens we can question what we are seeing.

It takes time and commitment to feel the pain and grief of childhood and then to see how this may have impacted loved ones in the present.  But over time the unconscious mind can actually begin to develop new ways of perceiving the world.

The trick in overcoming self-destructive behavior is not so much to strengthen the conscious self so we can “control” ourselves better, though that helps sometimes. Rather, we must train the automatic self to do things like make wiser decisions unconsciously, ignore distractions, withstand temptations, see ourselves and the world more clearly, and interrupt our reflexive responses before they get us in trouble.  (O’conner, 2014)

If you know of a behavior you would like to change please contact me.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

O’Conner, Richard (2015). Rewire: Change Your Brain To To Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior. New York, New York, Avery.

Photo by Kat Yukawa – Unsplash

The post Learning How To Change Your Stuck Behaviors appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Searching for how to change habits? Habits, however maladaptive, feel right to us after doing them for many years. Oftentimes people wonder why they continue to behave in ways they know are not healthy. This is due to the brains preference for habitual responses. Luckily human beings are quite adaptable and we can make changes that create more satisfying outcomes. The struggle in changing is that people often cling to the familiar.

Habits Are Good

Our brains are designed to create habits.  This organ does this as a way of reducing the cost of having to think through things again and again.  As we learn a task, say, brushing our teeth, the brain slowly recognizes the consistency of this effort and begins to move it over to habit.  We can then brush our teeth with minimal conscious awareness.

This is good news.  Having to think through things that are difficult each time they happen would waste a lot of our time.  If we had to think through how to drive every time we got behind the wheel we would likely not want to go through that process very often. Instead we can drive for long stretches without having to think much about what we are doing. Habits are really helpful.

The issue is the habits that we don’t want to have.  The reactivity in our relationships or the habit of telling white lies to save face are things that we want to change.  These are developed much like brushing our teeth and driving a car.  We do them so often that it becomes automatic.  So how do we begin to change these habits?

Changing Our Beliefs

In his book, Change Your Habits, Change Your Life, author Tom Corley explains how our beliefs contribute to our bad habits:

“Our beliefs and emotions trigger habits. Negative beliefs and emotions trigger bad habits and positive beliefs and emotions trigger good habits. If you want to eliminate a bad habit, you need to eliminate the negative belief. In order to do this you must become aware of the negative emotions that trigger negative beliefs while they are occurring; then you must reprogram your belief system from negative to positive. This stops the ensuing bad habit in its tracks.” (Corley, 2016)

As Corley explains, the key to change is to become aware of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves and how this brings up negative emotions.  Once we identify these we are able to shift towards changing how we perceive ourselves.

An example in my own life is the belief that I’m only loveable for what I do.  This belief is not necessarily bad but it is limiting. I don’t believe myself to be valuable just for who I am.  As a result of this belief some of the habits I have picked up is focusing my energy towards doing and working and away from relating.  Instead of being in relationship with the people in my life, I have a strong habit of pushing myself towards accomplishments in order to prove to these people I’m worthy of their love.

As I have brought awareness to this limiting belief and started to build a more positive belief, “I’m loveable for who I am,” I have been able to focus more of my time on being with the people I care about and not habitually having to prove my worth by accomplishing tasks.

How to Change Habits? It’s All About Awareness

If you are in the beginning stages of wanting to change a habit it can seem daunting.  For example, a habit that may come up is being defensive in relationships.  Someone who has this habit may shutdown or get really upset whenever someone brings up a mistake this person made.  Over time this person may have started to realize that their defensiveness is getting in the way of their relationships.  They want to change but it may seem like a mountain to climb.

When we bring awareness to these habits we begin to notice how they arise in our minds and bodies.  For example, when a person becomes defensive all kinds of things happen that can alert them to this way of reacting.  They may feel angry and feel a tightening in their body.  By bringing awareness to this experience a memory of how they were treated when they were younger may come up.  This could help them then explorer how that experience led to some belief about themselves.  Maybe they remember feeling really unsafe with a caretaker who didn’t help this person understand that it’s okay to make mistakes.  The belief that came about was something like, “I’m unsafe when I make mistakes.”

Once the person realizes the belief they can then start to build a new belief like, “it’s okay to make mistakes.”  Coming from this belief the person will no longer need to be defensive when someone brings up a misstep they have made.

Although it is challenging to change our habits it is not impossible. I personally see it every week working with my clients.  Reactivity, emotionally shutting down, losing tempers or having panic attacks are all ways our nervous systems respond to certain stimulation.  By bringing the power of awareness to how this happens in our experience we can make important changes to our lives.

About BrassBalls TenderHeart, Men’s Therapy in Denver

Bryce Giron Mathern is the founder of BrassBalls TenderHeart, a counseling practice in Denver, Colorado that offers therapy for men. Oftentimes our habits are a block between our marriage or relationships. By mindfully regaining control over good and bad habits, we can heal our relationships and find authenticity. As a Denver men’s counseling practice, BrassBalls TenderHeart offers individual and couples counseling from a men’s perspective.

If you know someone who is struggling to change their habits please reach out to me.

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Corley, Tom. (2016). Change Your Habits, Change Your Life: North Loop Books. 

The post How to Change Habits For Good appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

With so many things to distract us in our hyper-technological world we miss out on the necessity for our minds to relax and decompress.  This time is important for our brains to process through all of the stimulation that is hitting us throughout the day. 

Default Mode Network vs. The Task Positive Network

For many people the thought of slowing down and taking time to “do nothing,” may seem incomprehensible.  Some may feel like there is already too much to do as it is.  How can I just do nothing.

Let me introduce two rather complex sounding neurological terms.  The Default Mode Network and the Task Positive Network (DMN and TPN for short).  Although they sound complex they are pretty simple. When our brain is in a more neutral state, not doing anything, it is in the DMN.  When we are reading, working, surfing the web or on our phones it is in the TPN.  There are great advantages to both areas of our brains.

The problem is that in our society we tend to keep our brains in the TPN most of the time.  We only give ourselves a little bit of time in the DMN.  We tend to take downtime by reading, listening to audio book or watching TED talks.  The downtime that is being researched is less about being focused on a task. It has a more day dreaming quality to it. In their book, The Self-Driven Child, Ned Johnson and William Stixrud talk about the importance of this in neurological research.

In the mid-1990s, neuroscientist Markus Raichle noticed that certain parts of the brain go dark when we are focused on a task or goal.  In 1997 he and his colleagues at Washington University grouped together and analyzed these parts of the brain and gave them a name.  The Default Mode Network.  It wasn’t until 2001 that Raichle published a study that shows what the DMN light up.  A brain that is alert but not focused on a task.  Over the past decade Raichle has led a new wave of research that suggests that the unfocused downtime that activates the Default Mode Network is absolutely critical for a healthy brain(Johnson and Stixrud, 2018).

When we allow the task oriented parts of our brain to have a break and activate the DMN a lot of important things happen that help our brains have greater well-being.

Self Reflection

Taking time to reflect on our lives can be thought of as part of radical downtime.  It is a way to just think about how things are going.  Are we doing well, struggling, managing things?  When we take time to self reflect three things are enhanced.

Emotional Intelligence: By listening to ourselves and taking time to notice how we are feeling we increase the possibility of being more aware of our emotions.  We can notice both the bodily sensations (tightness in our chest for example) and the idea of what that means (I’m feeling anxious right now).

Integrity: When we self reflect we can take stock of our core values and consider if our current decisions are in line with what is important to us.

Confidence: Self reflection can help us to know that we are on track and if we aren’t we can easily course correct.  We can sense that we have control over our lives.

When we are more self-reflective we can start to make better sense of things.  For example, if someone says something that hurts your feelings you might hold that in your body for a long time.  However, when we think and reflect on the event we might find more empathy for the person who said it.  We might find ourselves acknowledging the hurt and feeling relieved.  This allows us to move through challenging emotions.

How This Shows Up In My Life

I find it so hard to take time for myself. With two young babies, three businesses to work on and the daily duties of a household, I rarely stop.  However, over the last few months I have been taking time to lie down and do nothing.  I allow thoughts to come up and I notice what happens.  It isn’t really meditation but just being.  I’m not trying to do anything. What I have come to notice is my sleep has improved, my emotional regulation has gotten better and I’m feeling more energized and productive.

I believe that it is in resting our minds we find the rejuvenation to be our best selves. The constant pushing to get more done and have more experiences leads us to feeling overwhelmed.  I felt this for several months after the babies were born.  I couldn’t seem to do enough.  My new approach is to do less and experience more downtime.  So far it seems to be improving my well-being.

If you need help radicalizing your downtime schedule a free 30 minute consult.

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Johnson, Ned and Stixrud, William. (2018) The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense Of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. New York, NY. Viking. 

Photo by Ales Me – Unsplash

The post Radical Downtime: Unplugging and Living appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

It is natural to move away from being vulnerable. 

It is very natural for all of us to not want to feel discomfort.  We are setup to stay away from that.  This is one of the reasons that we stay away from being vulnerable with our loved ones.  Vulnerability is going to be uncomfortable and we cannot change that.  Showing our soft underbelly leaves us open to getting hurt.

Yet, the reality is that not being vulnerable also causes pain as well. And, when we deny our feelings we limit our connection to those we love.

So then, how does this work? When we are in relationship with someone and they want to connect to us better they will ask us how we are feeling.  Usually we give the easy answer of, “I’m good.”  There is a brief pause to make sure this statement is accurate and then the couple can move on.  These are moments that are missed.

What is missed is to share the depth of feeling that may connect to one’s vulnerable self.  To respond to the earlier question with something like, “I’m feeling pretty ‘off’ today and I don’t know why,” allows our loved one to share in our struggle.  They can then provide support.  When this happens we get a deepening of intimacy.

Intimacy is the shared closeness that I believe we all long for in our lives.  It is why we sign up for the challenges of long-term relationships.  In order to form intimacy we need to learn about each other. We need to share our secrets and our longings. We need to be vulnerable.

By not going into our vulnerability we limit the degree of intimacy we have in our relationships. Furthermore, for many couples, this lack of intimacy can be described as feeling off with each other. There isn’t a connection or a closeness.  Often times they don’t really know why.

In my work with men and women, their dissatisfaction with their relationships often times lies with this lack of intimacy.  However, for years they have bolstered their childhood strategy to remain safe and not express anything vulnerable.

This is the challenge we face with being vulnerable.

We must move out of the safety of not sharing out true emotions and step into risking hurt by showing our true self.  The pay off is big.  A deep intimate connection with another person is one of the great satisfactions in the human experience.

The hurt we are all trying to avoid is really just someone not fully engaging with us and being there for us when we do express our pain.

Maybe, in that moment, they don’t have the bandwidth to fully support you.  Or maybe they aren’t used to having someone share deeply with them.  But when we step off the plank of vulnerability and nobody is there to catch us it hurts.

My experience is that this is momentary and something that a loved one will want to repair immediately.  When we really share our vulnerable self with someone it is rare that they can’t feel the sacredness of that moment and want to meet us there.  And if for some reason they don’t we can talk through what happened and express our discomfort and they can express their regret at not being there for us.  This is also vulnerable and creates more intimacy. Thus, we limit our relationships by not risking a minor hurt for the pay off of intimacy.

I encourage you to check-in the next time your partner asks you how you are feeling.

Really notice how you are doing and if you are “okay.”  Not looking for some drama but your actual emotional experience. At that moment you can decide if you are willing to share this.  Notice how uncomfortable it is and then see if you can take the risk.

If you or someone you know is looking to increase intimacy in their relationships please reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

The post Being Vulnerable appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

First Comes Love, Then Comes the Baby

Many of us fall in love, and some of us fall into responsibility. Whether you had a long relationship in marriage with the mother of your child or kids, or a shorter relationship and an unexpected pregnancy, when the breakup involves kids, there’s not a lot of help for Dads. It’s devastating, but there are ways you can handle it like the professional gentleman that you are and can be.

When the Breakup Involves Kids, Dads Can Remain Poised

So, the last thing you want to do right now is let your emotions get the best of you. That’s not to say they are not incredibly important. Yet, getting into counseling asap can help you diffuse the immense amount of anger toward your partner that is surely there, or anger towards yourself if you feel you were to blame. It helps you focus on the real issues at hand instead of the factors outside your control.

Try Not to Date For a While

You might want to try to rekindle a past crush or reach out to a woman for support when your partner has dumped you. The rejection is so hard to bear, it can be physically debilitating. And, when the breakup involves kids, the loss of their constant physical presence feels like your heart is actually being ripped out of your chest. Try if you can not to rebound. Look inward. Get healthy. Lift weights or get your running practice going again. Try meditation or a yoga class. Read and educate yourself on any and everything. Take your mind off things and try to hold back on a new love for both yours and their sake.

When You Do Date Next, Try Not To Carry Your Heartache

It’s arguably true that when guys have been loyal and faithful in a relationship, that when they are rejected, they feel more pain than a woman may feel. Women carefully think about their decision long before it is communicated, having already processed some of the pain. Men, on the other hand, are more present in their emotions, and may not have expected the rejected. Not understanding why the rejection happened fully can lead to self-esteem issues for the next few relationships. Try not to. You deserve better and you definitely deserve a fully integral relationship. Of course, if goes without saying that once you know the relationship is really over, try to refrain from reaching out and trying to win her back. Take your dignity and move on.

Help for Dads During the Breakup

First of all, make sure you’ve contacted all the correct people to assist you in how custody exchanges work, and of course make sure you’ve gotten your documents all set up. This is different in every state, but you can reach out to places like the National Father’s Rights group that offers assistance and direction in many different legal areas affecting dads.

You’ll want to make sure you document as much as you can, including paternity, and follow all the steps required for the best possible outcome. The only advice as a counselor for men that I can give you during this time is to try to breathe and think positively. And, go with the flow, while still asking for what you need and holding your ground. You can do it.

Help For Dads After the Breakup

Surely it will be strange to have a new life, but it can also be incredibly awesome too. You get to do what you want. You’re on your own time, mostly. You have more freedom to be yourself. Why not rediscover yourself? Find out what really makes you tick and the passions you want to explore in your life. You might be amazed at how quickly you can find pleasure in life again. And, remember your friendships. They are there to be there for you when things are hard in life. And they are great “uncles” and “aunts” to your kiddos which is always great for kids to have lots of good adult role models in their lives.

The post When the Breakup Involves Kids: Help For Dads appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Excuse Me for Interrupting…

.

“Did you even hear what I said?”

“Mmmm hmmm.”

“I said I am going to break your phone if you look at it one more time.”

“Sounds good babe.”

Insert fuming husband or wife, “neglected” child or dog, and a whole bunch of relationship and health issues. Phone addiction is a modern day problem. We created it to make our lives easier, yet as similarly as gravity, what goes up, must come down. And, with the ease of finding information and directions, the cost has been personal disconnect, eye strain and a new form of digital addiction.

Types of Phone Addiction

Okay, beyond the “scroll,” what do we have? Alright, how about this one. Has your girlfriend, wife or partner been posting ridiculous videos of you not paying attention, then looking up to find yourself a Snapchat squirrel or some other embarrassing filter? In new relationships, or in rocky relationships, women can tend to completely overpost and overstep their boundaries of respect to you. This is something that maybe crosses from addiction into something else, but regardless, you can try a few ways to address it.

How to Get Your Partner to Break Her Phone Addiction

If you’re dealing with overposting, try humor first. Humor with a tad of seriousness, if it works, can be the easiest and smoothest way to address it. If that doesn’t work, have a serious conversation, but only when both of you are completely relaxed. Anything done under stress can have unwanted and unexpected results.

If it’s scrolling or constantly checking emails, think about your part too instead of just theirs. For example, is your partner on their phone while you guys are watching TV at night? Maybe you need some more activities to keep you active and busier. Or, if your spouse or partner is constantly doing work on their devices, maybe they need support. Are they going through a stressful time at work or in their career? Counseling can help. And, maybe try doing the dishes or helping with the kids a little bit more this week and see if that can help relieve their stress. Asking if you can help because you’ve noticed them “checking out” on their phones lately, can bring the tone from accusatory to supportive. Worth a try.

Modern Solutions to a Modern Problem

So, as stated, this whole phone addiction stuff is a modern day issue for men and women alike. We need grounding to deal with the digital age. If you can consciously train yourself to step away from your phone for a few hours a day, that will take you a long, long way. If that’s difficult though, there could be other issues that are unresolved. Do you feel anxious when you check your phone? Counseling, exercise and diet can all help with anxiety. Are you worried about your reputation online? Deep breathing can help you let it go. Whatever it is, taking a look inside can help with repetitive, compulsive behaviors. Need support? Ready for you.

About the Author

As a counselor to the 21st Century man, Bryce Mathern created Brass Balls Tender Heart to help men find integrity in an ever complicated world. Relationships, fatherhood, stress, depression and anxiety all affect the modern man. To deal with the physical and mental strain of relentless pressure, men’s counseling and relationship coaching can provide stability where none can be found. It’s a rock when things around you are slipping. And, it’s a place to toss ideas around without fear of judgment. If this article spurs some action, try meeting with me to add counseling into your overall plan.

The post Your Partner’s Phone Addiction: Over-Posting and Scrolling, Scrolling… appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.