The way in which men are raised in this society has become a increased consideration due to the emergence of mass shootings and pervasive sexual assault. The consensus, if you listen to the media, is that there may be something fundamentally wrong with men. But what is toxic masculinity? What are the ways for men to break out of this conditioning? How can men discover a healthier form of masculinity?

What Is Toxic Masculinity?

For many men society and enculturation tend to deny men their access to the feminine side of their experience.

Men are encouraged to nurture and be vulnerable with their emotions. These are not traits of women but traits of people who acknowledge their feminine characteristics. There are women who struggle with these as well and there are men who easily experience these traits.

When a man has denied this part of himself he has a difficult time feeling his emotions and connecting with other people.  When this gets to the extreme men can become so insensitive that they are willing to commit acts of cruelty. This shows up in the mass shootings (which is nearly 95% men) and sexual assault.

When a man has hardened himself to his feelings it is possible to completely shutdown our ability to care.  If this is coupled with an extreme desire to hurt others there may not be the normal human governance to have empathy for others. When this happens we end up with toxic masculinity.

Traditional masculinity often is explained as missing the elements of the feminine in men.  However, toxic and traditional masculinity are not the same thing. Toxic masculinity is an extreme form of traditional masculinity.

The Need For A Narrative

When we read in the media about this issue we may come to the idea that there is something inherently wrong with men who are committing these acts of atrocity. This seems to be the narrative that I see most often. What is wrong with men?

In my understanding, the problem is that we have created a form of masculinity that is no longer in step with our current culture. Men who exhibit this traditional form of masculinity are from a time when there was much less equality between the sexes.  Today, women are moving into the professional and leadership world. Although it is true that men still have a lot of control at the high levels of power, the number of women becoming doctors, lawyers and managers is starting to outpace men.  This has brought men to feel the loss of their role in society as providers and protectors.

In this loss men can start to see others as the enemy of their lives.  Without a job or a clear sense of purpose toxic masculinity can start to emerge.

In his book, Angry White Men: American Men At The End Of An Era, Michael Kimmel explains what is at stake for men:

Our enemy is an ideology of masculinity that we inherited from our fathers, and their fathers before them, an ideology that promises unparalleled acquisition coupled with a tragically impoverished emotional intelligence. We have accepted an ideology of masculinity that leaves us feeling empty and alone when we do it right, and even worse when we feel we’re doing it wrong. Worst of all, though, is when we feel we’ve done it right and still do not get the rewards to which we believe we are entitled. Then we have to blame somebody. Somebody else (Kimmel, 2017).

For some men they have moved to commit cruel acts to make sense of losing these traditional male roles. This is what has brought out the notion of toxic masculinity. When talking about the mass shooters of the past two decades Kimmel states:

These boys spent a good part of every day fending off a constant barrage of criticism of their masculinity. They were desperate to prove their detractors wrong and to exact revenge against their tormentors and the other kids who laughed, went along with it, or said nothing and allowed it to continue (Kimmel, 2017).

The Way Out For Men

For men who are looking to heal the answer lies in opening back up to the feminine.  It means no longer accepting the traditional view that vulnerability, being nurturing and feeling emotions is weak. From a young age, boys are often taught to keep these ways of being human in the shadow.

In his book, To Be A Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power, Robert Augustus Masters speaks to this denial:

So let’s consider other factors or qualities that ought to—but generally don’t—count for much in making a male a “real” man, factors that many men keep in the shadows: vulnerability, empathy, emotional transparency and literacy, the capacity for relational intimacy—all qualities more commonly associated with being female than male (Masters, 2015).

A healthier manhood is one that merges the nurturing of the feminine with the grounded mission of the masculine.

The masculine exists in all of us and we can nurture its healthy elements as much as we can express its shadow.  Healthy masculinity shows up as focused purpose while living in deep integrity.  Healthy masculinity is grounded in conscious awareness that isn’t attempting to express some conditioned idea of what a man is, but, as what is needed in the moment.  We need the clear direction of the masculine in our world today.

This healthier way of being for men is not just about reducing the amount of violence but also the reducing the suffering of men who have bought into traditional masculinity. When the denial of human connection is lost because of a need to exhibit strength at all cost men lose out on healthy supportive relationships.  Men who exhibit this form of masculinity miss connecting with their kids, partners and other loved ones. There is a great deal of suffering in a life this constrained.

How Toxic Masculinity Shows Up In My Life

I must say that I have a biased opinion in how I see men today. Instead of buying into the media narrative that men are the problem I see how hard men are trying to become better. They are working hard at pushing against the conditioning of our culture and waking up to their tender hearts.

I named my practice brass balls tender heart for a reason. It is no longer necessary or acceptable for men to deny parts of their essential nature in order to fit into this old view of manhood.  We cannot accept the enculturation of boys into these traditional male stereotypes.

The good news is that this is changing all around us.

It is a quiet revolution that begins with men wanting to have more satisfying relationships with their partners.  It happens when fathers want to have a deeper more connected relationship with their kids.  I see it in the men who come to my men’s group.  Their commitment to being strong, powerful, emotional, conscious men fills me with hope.

True masculine power is rooted in this dynamic blend of “soft” and “hard” attributes—showing up as a potent alignment of head, heart, and guts. When head (thinking, rationality, analysis), heart (caring, compassion, love), and guts (resolve, resilience, bravery) all inform each other and work together, a truly healthy manhood cannot help but arise (Masters, 2015).

If you need want to work on your masculine conditioning please schedule a free 30 minute consult.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Kimmel, Michael. (2017) Angry White Men: American Masculinity at the End of an Era. Bold Type Books. Lebanon, IN.

Masters, Rober Augustus. (2015) To Be A Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power. Sounds True Publishing. Boulder, CO. 

Photo by Aaron Blanco Tejedor

The post Toxic Masculinity: What’s The Deal? appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Key To Happiness: Relationship Success

The key to happiness is crucial in everyone’s lives.

In our relationships, we struggle to figure out the proper communication techniques or when to say what or how to deal with the challenges of life. This is important, but often times the real issue is how we relate to the problems at hand. Can we meet our loved ones in a place of care and joy rather than creating a story about their incompetence and irresponsibility? How we show up in our relationships is a bigger factor in how successful they turn out than the content of the argument or conversation. When we focus on content without paying attention to our own internal experience we lose the ability to connect and be in relationship. 

Caring Is Primary

This is the first key to happiness. When we get into arguments with those we love we become committed to the outcome of the argument. We want to prove the other person wrong by explaining how our reality of what happened is more legitimate than their reality of what happened. We get caught up in the details of who did what and when. Conversations go something like this:

“I put the cap on the toothpaste.”
“Then why is it not on the toothpaste right now?”
“I don’t know, maybe you took it off.”
“I didn’t take it off, you did.”
“No I didn’t. This is just like you to accuse me.”

What really matters here?  What really matters is to acknowledge that you care for the other person. We step into the vulnerability of our fragile ego by letting our partner know that we don’t really know what happened but we are committed to showing them how much we love them by not arguing over something small. Our focus is on the care of the other.

Noticing The Story

When someone we love triggers us by saying something insensitive or disrespectful a story begins to form in our head about that other person. This story may be new or it may be familiar. It may read like this:

“He doesn’t respect me enough to even put the cap on the toothpaste. Why did I ever get together this person? He is such a slob? He never cleans anything up. I have to do everything.I can’t believe I have to put up with this. I have to leave this marriage and find someone who can treat me with respect.”

A good indication that you are in story is the use of words like, everything and never. Story isn’t necessarily rational. In my experience it is my bruised ego attempting to protect me from the pain I felt when this person triggered me. I can’t push them away physically so I do it mentally and emotionally.

When we are in story we tend towards self-righteous behavior. Personally, when I’m in this place I get very quiet and use a lot of patronizing body language like eye-rolling or staring and shaking my head at the other person. My goal is to make them feel demeaned in some way. It’s really awful.

The way out of the story is to notice it as it is happening. Once we notice we are in story, we can remind ourselves that this person we have made into a monster is the person we love more than any other.

Once we get out of the story we can start to come back into a more caring place and engage our partner/child in a more loving way.

Protecting Our Partners

When we commit to someone, whether in marriage or some other form of commitment we are committing to being in the care of that person. This is a very important key to happiness and this includes protecting them from both other people and ourselves.

In his latest book, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love, Dr. Stan Tatkin, a couple’s therapist, has this to say about it:

Secure functioning means that you and your partner can operate as a two-person psychological system as fully collaborative, cooperative, and mutually protective (Tatkin, 2018).  

Protecting our partners means we are not willing to put them in harms way of our family, friends or ourselves.  This means one of the primary things we intend in the relationship is making sure they feel safe.  Safe to express themselves in a way that is also safe for you.

In committing to making sure our partners are safe requires that we commit to not lashing out, patronizing or berating them for mistakes or triggers that come up.

Managing Your Anxiety

I know, this all sounds great, but, it is so hard in practice.  Here is what I want to say about successful relationships. When two partners have enough awareness to manage their own anxiety they can easily get to this place of care when one or both are triggered.

How do we manage our anxiety? We feel it.  Once we are aware that we are feeling anxious or overwhelmed we have a much better shot at finding a way to stay connected to our partner.

The way I manage my anxiety is that I will continue to remind my body to relax while I’m being triggered or feeling attacked.  As I remind myself to relax my body and mind can absorb more of the other person’s hostility. Instead of moving into story and self-righteousness I can stay connected and decide how to respond.

When we absorb our loved one’s distress it actually helps them feel more regulated.  It is hard to be angry at someone that is validating your experience and taking responsibility for how you are feeling.  This way of co-regulating is one way we can keep our partner feeling safe.

How This Shows Up In My Life

Although I understand all of what I have written I hope it is also clear that I fail at this continuously. We don’t need to be perfect at this stuff to have a healthy relationship. The goal is also to commit to getting better at it over time.

The key to happiness is to keep practicing. Keep working on bringing awareness to your emotions so that you can realize your nervous system is dysregulated and you can take steps to get regulated.

Just like with your partner, be kind and caring to yourself.

If you need help finding ways to working with these issues schedule a free 30 minute consult.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Tatkin, Stan. (2018) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love. Boulder, CO. Sounds True Publishing.  

Photo by Duy Pham – Unsplash

The post The Key to Your Happiness: Finding Relationship Success appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Kombucha іѕ аn асtіvе thеrареutіс “functional beverage” made bу fermenting tеа аnd sugar wіth thе kоmbuсhа сulturе. Thе еffесt can tаѕtе lіkе ѕоmеthіng bеtwееn ѕраrklіng аррlе сіdеr and сhаmраgnе, dереndіng оn whаt fоrm оf tea уоu apply. It’s nоt whаt уоu’d rесkоn fеrmеntеd tеа tо tаѕtе lіkе. It tastes great if you don’t mind a bit of tart. And, it’s great for your energy levels and digestion throughout the day.

Benefits of Kombucha

Kombucha hаѕ unԛuеѕtіоnаblу bееn соnvеуеd tо hаvе аntіbіоtіс, аntіvіrаl and antifungal рrореrtіеѕ іn lаb tests. It’ѕ also been shown tо рrоtесt аgаіnѕt ѕtrеѕѕ аnd іmрrоvе lіvеr funсtіоn. Thеrе іѕ a tоn оf existential evidence from реорlе whо hаvе bееn tаkіng kоmbuсhа оvеr vаrіоuѕ years too. For myself, I have more energy and focus, and I feel lighter. It’s also a good alternative to sugary teas or sodas clearly.

Other lesser knowns benefits from kombucha are аllеrgy relief, aid for digestive рrоblеmѕ, chronic fatigue, аnd arthritis to name a few. It ‘ѕ also uѕеd еxtеrnаllу fоr ѕkіn рrоblеmѕ аnd as a hair wаѕh among other thіngѕ. It’s a natural tonic for so many ailments and health boosts.

Taking a Kombucha Detox Cleanse

Whіlе ѕоmе реорlе ѕwеаr thаt kоmbuсhа еnhаnсеѕ mental acuity and focus, оthеrѕ mау еxреrіеnсе “brаіn fоg” or сlоudеd thinking аftеr іtѕ соnѕumрtіоn.  Though it іѕ unсlеаr аѕ tо whу fоggу thіnkіng may оссur аѕ a side еffесt оf kоmbuсhа, thеrе are many possible explanations.  Some thеоrіzе thаt the SCOBY (symbiotic соlоnу оf bасtеrіа аnd yeast) within kоmbuсhа may overtake the preexisting bасtеrіа wіthіn your gut rеѕultіng in a bасtеrіаl “die оff” analogous to thе Hеrxhеіmеr Reaction.

Thе bасtеrіаl die-off mау last аnуwhеrе frоm ѕеvеrаl dауѕ tо multiple weeks and іѕ аѕѕосіаtеd with dеtоxіfісаtіоn.  Until thе body hаѕ fully еxсrеtеd thе dеаd bасtеrіа аnd dеtоxіfіеd іtѕеlf, brаіn fog mау be еxреrіеnсеd.  Onсе thе dеtоxіfісаtіоn рrосеѕѕ іѕ соmрlеtе, brаіn fog mау cease аnd mеntаl сlаrіtу mау improve lіkе wаѕ initially іntеndеd.

Kombucha Reduces Stress

Yes, this freaking miracle drink relieves cortisol too. It acts as an adaptogen which is essentially a substance that is non-toxic and soothing to the body. It helps calm the endocrine system which is responsible for stress (and sensitivity medical issues like eczema and allergies). However, you do want to use kombucha in moderation because it essentially suppresses your “fight or flight” emotions and sometimes you need them. So, maybe reserve your kombucha moments for stress-free days as maintenance. Water with lemon on days you don’t want your digestive system doing things.

Lastly, it’s a healthy drink guys. The soda, the lack of drinking water, the “healthy” teas, they’re just not great for you. But, switch one of them out for a kombucha every couple of days or once a week and you can kind of clear your mind and body as the effects start to work on you. Give it a try if you haven’t before (there are plenty of flavors), and if you do drink it regularly, nice. Keep on.

… like this read? There’s more here.

The post My Current Health Go-To: Kombucha appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

In our relationships, we must work to allow our partner to be who they are in this lifetime.  We must work towards reducing judgment and refrain from trying to make them the way we wish they were.  

In this way, we move towards allowing their sovereignty. Sovereignty is a word used to describe the legitimacy of nation states. Sovereignty can be defined as a self-governing state. However, it is also a wonderful word for understanding what people want in their lives. This is what we all want in our lives; the freedom to be who are.

So much of the challenge of raising children or being in intimate relationships is the ideas we have about them. Reducing judgment of them can bring you closer.

When our child acts out or our partner is triggering us, we can create the story that the loved one in our life is the problem. If only they would change our life would be better.

So we begin to demand that they give up parts of themselves. Not only that, we tell them they have to talk different or prioritize things differently. We can’t seem to understand how it is that they don’t take the things we take as serious. And, we also don’t understand why they take other things so seriously.

In all of this, we are seeing our loved ones as wrong in the best of terms and possibly crazy in the worst. We set them up to fail because we wait for them to do what we have decided is unacceptable.

What gets lost in all of this control and judgment is their sovereignty, to be who they are, to be self-governing person.

Unfortunately for our mental health, this passive aggressive strategy works. We can get our loved ones to submit to our way of doing things. By continually pointing out how they are doing it wrong, we can begin to make them feel as though they are the problem in the relationship. Reducing judgment of them right now though, can steer your relationship away from breaking down later.

In my own life I see how I do this with my wife.

I continually force her to doing things the way I want her to. Subsequently, I don’t listen to her needs because I demand that she say it in a way that feels good to me. As a result, I force her to lose parts of herself in order that I can feel more comfortable.

So what is to be done for reducing judgment and accepting others where they are at today – imperfectly perfect?

There is no doubt that what your partner or child is doing is triggering and uncomfortable.  Maybe your partner is really unorganized and isn’t as focused on her finances. Maybe your child is shy and doesn’t have the kind of social ease that you are used to.

I think the first thing that is important is to realize that your discomfort does not mean they are doing something wrong. Feeling triggered is not your partner or child doing something wrong it is you being triggered. We need to own that.

Second, can we start to slow down and see that our loved ones may not have it all wrong. The unorganized partner may be able to really take in the moment and be present with you because she or he isn’t so focused on getting things in order. The shy child may have a rich inner life, filled with fantastical stories, that would blow your mind, if you took the time to listen to them.

As we begin to see the benefits of their ways, we start to find compassion for who they are and what they bring into the world, reducing judgment of them.

In my life, I see how my wife is helping me to work through many of the triggers that I developed as a child. She triggers me by expressing hurt and frustration. I’m feel the deep shame of being a disappointment. Instead of acknowledging her hurt I try to avoid it by pointing out her flaws.

I have been getting better.

Now I’m able to see that her struggle with something I’ve done is not really about my failure as a partner. Rather, she is just hurt and needs comfort and a way towards repairing the hurt. The trigger still comes up but I don’t allow it to run the show. Sometimes, I can acknowledge her hurt, and offer a sincere apology.

I believe that we can all bring more joy into our relationships if we can reduce the amount of control and move towards allowing others to be sovereign individuals.

Contact me if this is something you would like to work on.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

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