Living life from our values is one of the ways we can create meaning.   I find that many people I work with are stumped when they are asked what they value. Often people are not attuned to their values and how they are living them. Without awareness of our values we are making choices without a foundation of what brings meaning to our lives. When we are in harmony with our values we can make choices in our life that keep us aligned to our integrity and the person we want to be.

Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Joseph Cambell   Why does living your values matter? I think the main reason our values matter is that they give our life meaning. For better or worse humans are meaning making machines. We cannot experience the world without associating some kind of meaning to what is happening. In so many ways we, as humans, make this meaning up. Without having any values there is no meaning. If what you do in life has no value, not better or worse, then it is nearly impossible to find meaning. If you have ever done a job that you didn’t value it quickly becomes clear that you find yourself in place of meaninglessness. If there is no meaning in work it quickly becomes drudgery. If, however, we do find value in our work it is easy to find meaning in what we are doing. I believe it is important to be in touch with our values so that it can keep us in line with our integrity. Our integrity is the moral compass that directs us towards what we value. When we do things outside of our values we can immediately know this is not how we want to act in the world. This can lead to quickly course correcting our actions and choices so we can get back in line with our integrity.  Values are a way of informing our internal sense of who we are and directing us forward in our life. The last reason (I’m sure there are lots more) I think we should be more aware of our values is that we can then determine what is valuable to ourselves. Instead of living the values of your parents or some religion you can actually make sure that how you are valuing things is in line with what is important to you. Without making this conscious by exploring our values we might still be living someone else’s values.   Living a life in line with our own, personally chosen values, rather than pursuing others’ goals that may not be connected with our values, gives our life honor, meaning, and purpose. That is the well-lived life that ends with good tired. (LeJeune and Luoma, 2019) Living our values helps us in relationships. In his book, Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress, psychotherapist Steven Stosny explains how we can use our values to help us maintain emotional stability. “When we act out towards our loved ones we feel a sense of shame because we are often acting against our values system. This is a good thing. Many of the habits activated under stress violate our deeper values—for example, blaming, yelling, stonewalling, or devaluing loved ones.” (Stosny, 2016) By being aware of our values we can continually course correct toward our values. Once again, this keeps us in line with who we want to be in the world. We can use our values as a way to continuously change our unhealthy behaviors towards the people we love. It is also true that we can experience others as valuable. When we find someone or a group of friends as valuable we want to commit our time and energy towards these people. Often by doing this we are living out our values as well.   Finding self-value Not only is it important to value others but it is also critical for our relationships to find our internal value. Relationships are hard and often the people we love can lash out at us with criticism and blame. When this happens we must have the fortitude inside ourselves to tolerate the intensity of feelings that come up. This means we need to find our inner value that is not dependent on what others think or express. People in relationships often become overly dependent because they lack a sense of themselves. When we can find an internal value we start to stand on our own two feet. This allows someone to weather the inevitable storms of a relationship and not lose themselves in a cycle of self-aggression. When we can be in a relationship with a strong sense of our own individual value we won’t get caught up (as much) in the drama of our relationship. We can hold the space of the moment and acknowledge the hurt feelings of our partner but also be bolstered by valuing ourselves. This includes self-compassion, self-validation and self-empowerment. When we give this to ourselves we are much safer in our own skin and don’t project our emotions onto our partner.   Desire not emotional neediness When we are hurt, blamed, criticized or accused of something we often move to a defensive posture that demands retribution. This is a normal response from our nervous system’s need to protect us. However, in this often self-righteous place of feeling wounded we often get pulled into our toddler brain (overactive limbic system) which leads us to childlike behaviors. These behaviors are often not in line with our values. When we can move from our toddler brain to our adult brain we can reconnect to our values. Being attuned to our values allows us to move towards what matters to us rather than living from the moment to moment needs of our emotional experience. Living out our values provides a sense of living our purpose. We are either living a meaningful life or we need to refocus our lives towards what we value. Emotions are important but they are very momentary and are not necessarily about our purpose or values in the moment. Often we feel a sense of neediness because our emotions are telling us we have been unjustly hurt by someone.   Adults have only one emotional “need,” and that is to act consistently on deeper values. If we do that, all the preferences that seem like emotional needs will either be satisfied as a byproduct of meaningful living, or they’ll be deemed unimportant in the course of a purposeful life. (Stosny, 2016)   How this shows up in my life. The challenge for me is getting my emotional preferences confused with my values. This has led me to express my needs through the lens of emotions rather than something deeply important like my values. When I’m hurt in a relationship I often get overly expressive about repairing my hurt emotions rather than digging into what I value at that moment. I can spend a lot of time forcing the people in my life to rectify my internal space. In these moments I’m putting my personal emotions over my personal values and not acting in line with my integrity. I aspire to move out of this child-like thinking and instead find more of what I value in the moment. When I get hurt I can honor the need to establish a boundary with my partner while also not needing to beat her over the head with my hurt feelings. Instead I try to move out of the overactive child brain (limbic system) and connect with my adult brain (prefrontal cortex). Here I can connect to what I value which, may be finding compassion for myself and my partner and moving towards connection. Being stuck in emotional neediness doesn’t allow much movement towards what really matters. I often find myself feeling a sense of self-righteous disdain for my partner which is out of alignment with who I truly am. Who I truly am is someone who values connection and intimacy rather than being right. Take This Values Assessment For Free: Personal Values Assessment. If you or someone you know wants to connect with personal values please contact me!   Wishing You The Day You Need To Have! References: Stosny, Steven. (2016). Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress. Deerfield Beach, FL. Health Communications Inc EB. LeJeune, Jenna & Luoma, Jason. (2019). Values in Therapy: A Clinician’s Guide to Helping Clients Explore Values, Increase Psychological Flexibility, and Live a More Meaningful Life. Oakland, CA. Context Press.

The post Live Your Values appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Sitting in the pain of your life is part of the therapeutic process. It is really uncomfortable and takes a lot of courage. But the goal of doing therapy is not to stop being in pain. The goal is to find your true self and, in that experience, a deeper connection to life and the people you love. It’s simply to find joy.

How can we find joy?

Positive Psychology. 

The aim of positive psychology is to catalyze a change in psychology from preoccupation only with repairing the worst things in life to also building the best qualities life.
Martin Seligman

If it isn’t clear from the above quotes the positive psychology movement has revolutionized the point of therapy. From the steely eyed psychologist of the 50’s and 60’s looking at their clients as objects to a relationally focused experience that brings the client and therapist into a field of interconnection today.

The shift has brought about the desire to create a growth experience for the client. This means helping the client to see their gifts and strengths through the pain they are currently struggling with.

Many clients tend to focus on what they are not doing well. It may be a lack of motivation, negative behaviors in their primary relationship, or problems being with their kids. It is important to help people to understand these behaviors and get a sense of what they can do to change them. However, it is equally important to identify how the client is successfully managing other parts of their lives.

The goal is to both illuminate the struggle while simultaneously magnifying the strengths.

The intrinsic self

A big part of helping the client is to get them in to a deeper connection with their intrinsic self. It is the basic understanding that we are, at the core, good and whole. Unfortunately for many years we have layered over this goodness with fear and psychological strategies to prove our worthiness. These strategies are what cause much of our pain and uncomfortable behavior in life.

Through increasing awareness these psychological masks are removed, and what emerges is who we are meant to be. This is the core of our being. We find this, not through effort, but through slowing down and listening deeply to ourselves.

What we find is that our awareness is who we really are and the emotions, thoughts and sensations that cause us so much suffering are only there to give us information but  not to be identified with. I love the following quote by John Wellwood a contemplative psychotherapist:

The discovery of basic goodness can be likened to clarifying muddy water – an ancient metaphor from the Taoist and Buddhist traditions.  Water is naturally pure and clear, though its turbulence may stir up mud from below.  Our awareness is like that, essentially clear and open, but muddied with the turbulence of conflicting thoughts and emotions. 

If we want to clarify the water, what else is there to do but let the water sit?  Usually we want to put our hands in the water and do something with the dirt – struggle with it, try to change it, fix it, sanitize it – but this only stirs up more mud.  “Maybe I can get ride of my sadness by thinking positive thoughts.”  But then the sadness sinks deeper and hardens into depression.  “Maybe I’ll get my anger out, show people how I feel.”  But this only spreads the dirt around.  The water of awareness regains its clarity through seeing the muddiness for what it is – recognizing the turbulence of thought and feeling as noise or static, rather than as who we really are.  When we stop reacting to it, which only stirs it up all the more, the mud can settle (Wellwood, 2000).

Finding Your Joy

The joy of life comes from a deeper opening to our true self. When we find this place we can experience a more satisfying relationship to ourselves and to the people around us. It means letting go of the need to be something else and showing up as the person you truly are.

The joy of life is found in relationship with others. Even the desire to create something amazing can truly be felt in the sharing of the experience with someone else. How often have you accomplished something on your own but only felt its full glory when you could see it reflected in the eyes of someone who cares?

The irony is that in letting go of the need to be of worth to others we actually become of real value to ourselves and those around us. When we no longer have to be enough, but instead we believe we are enough, relationships flourish. This is the path to more joy in life.

How this shows up in my own life.

I personally know the pain of attempting to live my life through the needs and wants of others. I spent my childhood trying to be the good enough son and brother. After that it was trying to be the good enough partner and friend. My life was spent working hard to prove my worthiness.

As my inner work has continued some of these old strategies still pop up in my marriage and as a father. However, more and more I find myself watching the murky water of selfhood. In my awareness I can see that I’m not my thoughts, feelings or sensations and this provides an opportunity to be who I really am. I witness all that is happening and try to not identify with any of it. No longer grasping for happiness or pushing away the discomfort.

My connection to myself has continued to grow and I find my relationships flourishing. This isn’t perfection but a willingness to be in the joy and the discomfort of all that unfolds in my life. I don’t think I’m a failure when things go bad and a hero when things go well. I recognize that it is all fleeting and wonderful at the same time.

If you or someone you know wants to find a deeper connection to themselves I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Kotler, Steven & Wheal, Jamie. (2017). Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Scientists Are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work. Dey Street Books, NewYork, NY.

Wellwood, John. (2000). Toward A Psychology Of Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, And the Path Of Spiritual Transformation. Shambhala Publications, Boulder, CO.

The post The Goal Is Joy: Positive Psychology and Your Intrinsic Self appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

How People Change

Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are making their life difficult.  They know what they are doing but they don’t know how to change. Change is something that continues to allude the most disciplined. Why is this?

Automatic And Primitive Brain

Often times when we have a behavior we want to change we use our conscious mind to consider the reasons we do it, we make a plan for how to change and then we attempt to move away from that behavior.  However, when we the environmental stimulus comes at us again we find it impossible to not react in similar fashion.  What is happening here?

The conscious mind really only makes up a small portion of the things that help us to make decisions and our ways of reacting to the people in our lives.  Most of what creates this is our automatic mind, the mind below our awareness.  As a result of this we continue to react in the same way until we start to shift the way we perceive the world. This is how Richard O’Conner sees it in his book, Rewire.

The conscious self can certainly make mistakes, but it’s our automatic self that usually causes trouble; it’s guided by motives and prejudices we’re not aware of, our own unique frames of reference that are not in sync with reality, old habits of doing things in a particular way, feelings we try to deny. The automatic self directs most of our behavior, especially spontaneous actions. (O’Connor, 2014) 

How This Shows Up In Life

Let’s look at an example.  Let’s say the behavior you are looking to change is trusting your partner more.  Your conscious mind can’t seem to come up with real reasons why your partner is doing something untrustworthy, yet, time and again you find yourself doubting your partner’s motives and wondering if he or she is interested in someone else.  In a case like this, we first have to look at why there is some issue with trusting others.  Why is it difficult to trust others?  For someone who grew up with caretakers that were chaotic, self-absorbed and not emotionally available,  a child may start to get the idea that people can’t be trusted.  If someone, time and time again, were to be let down by their caretakers they will start to believe that it is hopeless to trust someone.

That same child now has grown up to become an adult.  He is able to differentiate between fantasy and reality as all his brain comes online.  When this person meets their partner they start to see their partner through a similar lens that they saw their caretakers.  The deep unconscious belief may be something like, “people are not trustworthy.”  This belief will then impact much of what this person sees in the world around them.  They will layer on reasons to believe this without anything really being there.

The automatic mind is going to be looking for things in the environment that validate the person’s belief.  They will see their partner talking to someone of the opposite sex as flirting. They will view any moment of a partner’s lack of sexual interest as evidence they are sleeping with someone else.  The automatic mind is organized to create the reality that it believes exists. The partner will find all of these suggestions of unfaithfulness bewildering.  They will wonder if their partner is slightly crazy.

The sad reality is that by constantly punishing a partner for irrational actions and blaming them for things that are not true our partners will start to feel abandoned and lonely.  Sometimes those partners will seek intimacy with another.  When this happens the conspiracy that the person made through their automatic mind is fully validated.  They knew all along that their husband or wife was not trustworthy.

This can play out all too often.  So how do we really change these difficult behaviors?

How We Change

Unfortunately we cannot rid ourselves of unhealthy beliefs.  What we can do is develop new beliefs. In working with a belief around trust it would be important to explorer the pain of growing up in a world where the caretakers couldn’t be trusted.  Although it is impossible to change the events of one’s past the memory of the past is quite malleable.

By discovering moments when these old beliefs were created we can actually modify the beliefs by having a new experience. This experience can allow the inner child to start to believe that they can trust people.

Once someone is willing to see that their reality may have more to do with their past than their present it is possible to help them sort out what is real from what is false.  Once we know that we see things through the same lens we can question what we are seeing.

It takes time and commitment to feel the pain and grief of childhood and then to see how this may have impacted loved ones in the present.  But over time the unconscious mind can actually begin to develop new ways of perceiving the world.

The trick in overcoming self-destructive behavior is not so much to strengthen the conscious self so we can “control” ourselves better, though that helps sometimes. Rather, we must train the automatic self to do things like make wiser decisions unconsciously, ignore distractions, withstand temptations, see ourselves and the world more clearly, and interrupt our reflexive responses before they get us in trouble.  (O’conner, 2014)

If you know of a behavior you would like to change please contact me.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

O’Conner, Richard (2015). Rewire: Change Your Brain To To Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior. New York, New York, Avery.

Photo by Kat Yukawa – Unsplash

The post Learning How To Change Your Stuck Behaviors appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

This is what nice guy syndrome is: Some men grow up in family systems that don’t allow them to be their full selves. These men then choose to meet the needs of others over themselves. In reality it has nothing to do with being nice and everything to do with being inauthentic.

Struggling With Nice Guy Syndrome

Men who have nice guy syndrome are usually living very unsatisfying lives. Their focus is on helping others rather than getting their own needs met. They spend their days considering how they can make their partner happy rather than on what can make them happy.

In his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Rober Glover explains what Nice Guys do:

“Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it “right.” They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled. (Glover, 2000).

For Nice Guys it isn’t okay to express who they are or to ask for what they want. This inevitably leads to a lot of anxiety, dissatisfaction and repressed anger. This repressed anger often becomes rage that eventually comes out at the people who they believe are supposed to meet their needs. Often times this is their partner.” – Glover, Rober.

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When we live our lives without any reflective quality our lives can start to feel somewhat valueless. Whether something makes me happy or sad may not be the greatest determinant for what one should do in life. When we are attuned to our values and what we really care about we have a better way to determine who we are and what we want out of life.

Walking Your Why

In her book, “Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work And Life,” Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, encourages her readers to be in touch with their values. She calls this “walking your why.” In a culture that is constantly feeding us with advertising and images that attempt to define our values and compare us to each other it is quite easy to lose ourselves in mindless decision making.

Thoughtless decisions are ones that are not made with any kind of reflective nature. Davis points out that we are much more influenced by the people around us than we think. In one study she cites people are thirty percent more likely to buy something on a plane if their seat mate buys something. This type of outside influence can lead to a lot of poor decisions.

Using Our Values

According to David the way to make better decisions is to constantly be in touch with what truly matters to us. The things we find valuable in our lives (relationships, career, being healthy) should be the sign posts that help us make good decisions.

To make decisions that match up with the way you hope to live going forward, you have to be in touch with the things that matter to you so you can use them as signposts. If you’ve never taken the time to sort out your values, you’re always winging it, which is how we wind up frittering away our time— surfing the Internet, forwarding pointless email chain letters, cycling through hours of reality TV— and feeling unfulfilled. You see this lack of clear intention played out in people’s choices (or lack thereof) in everything from romantic partners to vacations (David, 2016).

How Do We Live Our Values?

Sounds simple. Live by your values. However how do we do this?

First you have to define what you value. Taking the time to sit down and spend time analyzing the things in your life that are important to you is a big part of living your values.

David offers some helpful questions to do this.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself in order to start identifying your values:

Deep down, what matters to me?
What relationships do I want to build?
What do I want my life to be about?
How do I feel most of the time?
What kinds of situations make me feel most vital?
What would my life look like, and what new things would I pursueIf a miracle occurred and all the anxiety and stress in my life were suddenly gone? (David, 2016).

By answering these and other questions you can begin to get clear about the things you want to put your energy towards. It also can help you to stop putting energy towards things you don’t care about.

My Personal Values

In my own life I have developed a clear sense of the things that I value in life. My wife and two young boys are the most important people. My friends and extended family are also people I continually reach out to and prioritize.

As I go through my life it is easy to get distracted in outside relationships or other activities that don’t matter to me. In order to really make my life have meaning I continually come back to what I value.

One thing that is really important to me is protecting our planet. I am always looking at ways that I can have less of an impact on our planetary resources. This means that I ride my bike to work, I drive an electric car and I have reduced the amount of meat I consume. This value helps me to make decisions that are more satisfying for me because when I make them they are connected to what I care about.

Things I Value As A Counselor

Another important value in my life is my work as a counselor. I love this work and, although it is difficult, I get a lot of satisfaction out of helping my clients. With this value in my mind I continually work to prioritize things that help market by work (writing this newsletter for example). And, I also take new trainings to improve my skills and I read books to help me be a better counselor. Instead of watching mindless Netflix shows (admittedly I do this on occasion) I prioritize reading at night after spending time with my wife and young boys.

By connecting to my values I have found an easier time sifting through the many distractions that come up in our technological culture. It isn’t always easy. I want to work as a counselor and I want to be home with my family. These are difficult decisions and when I choose one the other one is denied. I think there will always be a feeling of loss on both sides. It will never be simple. In the end it is about living my life more consciously.

As David says:
By knowing who you are and what you stand for, you come to life’s choices with the most powerful tool of all: your full self (David, 2016).

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

David, Susan (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive In Work and Life. Westminster, MD. Avery.

Photo by, Riccardo Annandale – Unsplash

If you’ve been struggling to find what values are important to you, contact me.

About Bryce Giron Mathern, Founder BrassBalls TenderHeart

BrassBalls TenderHeart is a men’s counseling practice in Denver, Colorado. Owner Bryce Giron Mathern, LPC seeks to help men reconnect with the valuable relationships in their lives, while becoming both more bold and authentic. Men’s therapy can help you regain balance and remember the values you hold close. Counseling for men is a place to turn when you want to become more of “you” again, get closer in your marriage or relationships, and find peace.

The post How Our Values Impact Our Life appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Our inner child is the strategies we developed at an earlier stage that are kept in the shadow of our awareness. When we bring this inner child into view, we start to see how we can limit ourselves from our best. By working on inner child issues we heal the wounds of our past and move forward into healthier and happier relationships.

Bringing Your Inner Child Out Of The Shadows

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Masters, Robert Augustus. (2018) Bringing Your Shadow Out Of The Dark: Breaking Free From The Hidden Forces That Drive You. Boulder, CO.  Sounds True. 

Bradshaw, John. (2013) Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child. New York, NY. Random House.

Diamond, Stephen A. (2008, June) Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy : The Inner Child. Psychology Today.
Retrieved From https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child

Photo by Samuel Zeller – Unsplash

The post How Your Inner Child Can Save Your Relationship appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

What would happen if we started to focus only on what we can control and let go of what we cannot?

It is so normal and common to want to control what happens around us. We want so desperately to know that we can count on people in our future. We want to know what is going to happen.

However, this illusion of control can lead to a lot of painful disruptions in our life. What would happen if we were able to step into that vulnerable place and accept that we are not as in control as we want to be?

Locus of Control: External or Internal

It is true that we do control part of our lives. We can decide what to eat for breakfast, how much time we spend with loved ones and the color of shoes we wear today. In the world of psychology, this is often called the locus of control. It is the perceived view of what we can manage in our lives. Some people tend to have an external locus of control and there are those with an internal locus.

Those people who see their world through an external locus of control look to external happenings as controlling their lives. They don’t believe they can make things happen because of what is happening outside of them. On the other hand, those with an internal locus of control believe that if things are going the way they want them, they are the ones who can control them.

There have been many psychological studies done on those with an external vs. internal locus of control and it is true that the internal locus of control leads to healthier outcomes.

When we believe we have more control we feel less anxious and our stress levels come down. When we feel anxious about things we want to control we are left with little motivation and increased stress levels.

Feeling Out Of Control

It is so uncomfortable to feel as though things are not happening the way we want them to. It may be a relationship or some planned event. Suddenly, it feels as though things are falling apart around us. Our anxiety increases and we begin to demand from others that they respond to the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. The narratives in our head go something like: “this shouldn’t be happening, it wasn’t supposed to go like this, this unacceptable.” It is a feeling of being out of control.

But really, what is out of control in these moments? For most of us it is the illusion that how we want things to be should be happening and not what is actually happening. Our expectations are not being met by the people around us. We feel as though the world is failing.

If we can slow down in these moments and take stock of the situation, what is really hard is the fear that is arising. It may be fear of failing (ourselves or someone else). It may be the fear of not getting what we want and the disappointment that comes with this as well. This fear can lead to us putting our discomfort on to those around us in the form of blame and demands.

Is it possible to acknowledge the vulnerable part of us that is afraid? The part of us that wants so badly for things to go the way we want?

In her book, The Blind Spot Effect, Kelly Boys has this to say about being with that vulnerable place:

“What if, by acknowledging uncertainty and ambiguity and opening ourselves to the truth of it, we can free ourselves to be in a flow state, deeply in touch with our intuition and inner knowing? What if — even though we think it’s the scariest thing to let go of control — it’s the wisest thing to do?” (Boys, 2018)

Reality Wins Over the Illusion of Control

No matter how much we want to be in control of our lives, the reality is that we have very little control over the actions of those around us.

Our partners, children, friends and family cannot be counted on to meet our expectations. In fact they are continually failing at this. It is in these situations that we can fall back on our ability to accept what we can do.

Developing a more internal locus of control allows us to understand that no matter how things are in reality, we can still connect to what we do have control over – our own behaviors and choices. When we get caught up in the process of wanting to control others and focusing on what we don’t control we end up losing ourselves in stress and anxiety.

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my personal experience, I can recall a time in my life where I used to throw a lot of dinner parties as a way to keep in touch with my community. I loved the opportunity to share a meal with people I care about. Oftentimes the people I invited would be late for the time we agreed upon. Sometimes it would be several minutes late. As the food I prepared got cold I would seethe with resentment at their ingratitude. How could they be so disrespectful?

Over time I began to realize that what time people showed up was not in my control. What was in my control was to invite people, make a good meal, and enjoy my friends at whatever time they arrived. When I let go of the need to control when the party started I let go of all of the anxiety that I originally felt. I also got in contact with the vulnerable place in me that felt hurt by people coming late. At some level, I felt like people didn’t really care about me if they chose to be 30 minutes late. In reality, people came with immense gratitude and appreciation.

Letting go of what we can’t control can be a wonderful way to find more flow in our lives.

I encourage you to consider what you can and can’t control. How much time do you spend struggling with the things in your life that you can’t control? Consider if you want to continue feeling anxiety about these things.

If you want to increase your internal locus please reach out for a free 30-minute consultation.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Boys, Kelly. (2018) The Blind Spot Effect: How to Stop Missing What’s Right in Front of You. Louisville, CO. Sounds True.

Photo by Mikail Duran – Unsplash

The post The Illusion Of Control appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

So much of our struggle in reaching goals we set for ourselves is having the consistent discipline to make it a reality.

Consistency Plus Time

If you wanted to play the guitar for example, how is it that you are going to learn to play a new instrument? The better question is what can you commit to on a daily basis to learning the guitar?

In his book, The Slight Edge, Jeff Olson explains how this works.  

You’re Either Going Towards Your Goals Or Away

 

Responsibility Vs. Blame

“The predominant state of mind displayed by those people on the failure curve is blame. The predominant state of mind displayed by those people on the success curve is responsibility.” (Olson, 2018).

“Taking responsibility liberates you; in fact, it is perhaps the single most liberating thing there is. Even when it hurts, even when it doesn’t seem fair. When you don’t take responsibility, when you blame others, circumstances, fate, or chance, you give away your power. When you take and retain full responsibility—even when others are wrong or the situation is genuinely unfair—you keep your life’s reins in your own hands.” (Olson, 2018).

How This Shows Up In My Life

If you need help moving towards your life goals schedule a free 30 minute consult.  

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Olson, Jeff. (2018) The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Happiness And Success. 

Photo by Alan Tang – Unsplash

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