“Holding space is what we do when we walk alongside a person or group on a journey through liminal space. We do this without making them feel inadequate, without trying to fix them, and without trying to impact the outcome. We open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control.” – Heather Plett

Often when our partners or loved ones need us the most we struggle to be with them in their distress. We take things personally, we get defensive and we shut down. The real healing comes in relationships when we can hold the space of the moment and let our loved ones know that they are not alone in their pain. But what does it mean to hold space? Why does this change things for the relationship? Let’s get into it.

“No one actually needs different circumstances, they only need greater support for the experiences they’re having.” (Kahn, 2022)

What Does It Mean To Hold Space?

As a therapist, my work is holding space for each client’s emotional and life challenges. I find this to be a sacred act. It is allowing another person’s truth to be given an opening for expression and then witnessed by someone with loving-kindness.

When someone is struggling we often want to change their situation, offer advice or a new way of looking at the problem. This is rarely helpful. Holding space is about a deep level of allowance that lets go of outcome and just accepts that what needs to be expressed will be expressed. We trust in the person we are holding space for by opening our hearts to their distress. I think this interpersonal relational field that emerges from held space mysteriously creates the healing that needs to happen.

When I am at my best when holding space, I am dropped into my body. This means that I’m not thinking my way out of what is happening. Instead, I’m noticing my inner sensational experience and also noticing the words that are coming from the person I’m holding space with. This allows me to witness whatever needs to be witnessed. I’m not trying to figure anything out. My confidence is in the power of this shared human intimacy to create something that heals. Neither I, nor the person I’m holding space for is creating this. It is our shared commitment to the space that allows the extraordinary to happen.

It is also much more difficult to hold space for a loved one that is upset with my actions. This is where the possibility for the maturation of the relationship exists. Being able to hold the container and not get pulled into the defensiveness that we often feel when someone is telling us we hurt them or did something wrong. We want to disagree, take exception to their experience and ask them to look at our perspective. When we do this we are saying, “I cannot hold this for your pain.”

When we hold space well it means we are tolerating our defensiveness and indignancy. It means not trying to force the person who is upset into some other place of attention. We hold the space by listening and not getting caught up in our ego. This means not giving into the thoughts that are saying “that’s not true, I didn’t do this.” When we give into our ego we don’t listen or accept the other’s perspective. We may not verbally say anything to the person we hurt, but our body language will tell the story.

The details of what happened is often where two people spend their time attempting to resolve who has the correct memory of what happened. “I didn’t say that,” one says. “Yes you did,” the other one counters with. Back and forth they go until they exhaust each other. This is a power struggle that resolves nothing.

When I do this well I am tolerating the angry energy in my body that wants justice. I hold this and continually move my attention to the pain that the other is feeling. The justice we often seek is to show we are not wrong. This is our ego not being able to face our human failing. If we can let go of our ego and focus instead on the other’s pain we can keep our heart open and show compassion for what they are feeling. This allows the other person to feel cared for and resolve the pain they are feeling inside. This means I have to let go of the right and wrong of what the person is saying. If I can focus on the pain of the person I can stay out of the power struggle.

“When we companion, we walk alongside the bereaved. We offer our open-hearted and gentle presence.” (Wright Glenn)

Feeling Less Alone

I believe that the outcome of holding space for someone is so that they can feel the relational connection that brings them to an inner space of communal resonance. Whatever they are going through they are now feeling less alone in that struggle. When we hold space for someone it is to let them know that you can’t change the outside circumstances…and they are not alone in the painful experiences of life.

I believe that most of my clients truly feel better because they aren’t alone in these painful life issues. This may or may not seem like a lot. However, in my experience, this is often a game changer for people. It means they are walking through this life with someone next to them. When we feel the connection and love of others we feel bolstered, held up with support, to get through whatever difficulty is emerging. For many people this is enough to get through it.

In this holding we are saying to our loved one, “I am in this with you and I can hold this pain with you.” I believe this is where the ultimate healing happens.

Sometimes all one can do to make things “all right” is to hold gentle space for the broken, painful pieces that will never be all right and will never be repaired, at least in this lifetime. (Wright Glenn)

Wanting To Help

One of the biggest challenges of holding space is the desire to help those we love. I often think about this as changing what it means to help. Have you ever gone to someone and told you their struggle and they gave you quick advice? “Just do this,” they said. I’m guessing for many of us reading this it wasn’t helpful. This kind of problem solving is what gets in the way of people actually being helpful.

To hold space means we have to believe that there is something more valuable than solutions or quick fixes. That a deep listening and heartfelt care are often more helpful than looking for “the” solution.

I do believe that when I go to solutions it isn’t for the person I’m trying to help it is to manage my own anxiety. When I see someone I love struggling I often want to get out of the pain I’m feeling and finding a solution seems like a good way to move on from what is unsettling me. The drive to fix is not one of selfless compassion but selfish concern for my own discomfort.

I also think that when we go quickly to a solution we are taking the decision making process out of the person we are trying to help. This is not helpful because in a way we are saying to this person, “you cannot figure this out so I’ll tell you what to do.” Instead of actually helping we can make this person feel incompetent. When we hold space we are providing an emotional container for the person we love to find their own solutions.

When we hold space, our task isn’t one of meaning-making. That is the work of the bereaved. That is their right. (Wright Glenn)

How This Shows Up In My Life

Traveling through life with clients who are grieving, traumatized, depressed and anxious is what I love about my work. It is hard work because I have to be fully in balance within myself in order to do this well.

It is so important in holding space for our loved ones that we let go of our own ego needs. When someone is in deep pain we must extend to them our care and compassion out of selflessness. If we come to this with our own emotional needs often people will feel more alone in their pain.

Holding space in many ways is about listening to another. However, to do it well requires that I also listen to myself. When I’m at my best I am noticing what is happening inside myself as well as validating the challenges of my client. Failure to do so can lead me to project my own pain onto them. This can come in many forms but often fixing or solving is at the top of the list.

I think the other important reality that comes up for me in the therapist role is the need for a great level of humility. As a therapist I can get caught up in the grandiose idea that I am the one who makes my clients better. This puts me in a very different space as one who is in charge of the outcome. With humility comes the recognition that I cannot solve anyone’s problems or heal them. That is their job. My job is to hold the space while they go through their process of finding relief for their pain. I’m called in those moments to liberate the person across from me to find their own deepest truth.

I don’t believe you need to be a trained mental health practitioner in order to hold space well for the people you care about. It starts with the desire to be of service for those who matter most. Once you want to be helpful you just keep trying to drop into yourself and say less and listen more. Overtime you too can be of great support for everyone in your life.

References:

Glenn Wright, Amy. (2017). Holding Space: On Loving Dying And Letting Go. Parallax Press. Berkeley, CA.

Khan, Matt. (2022). All for Love: The Transformative Power of Holding Space. Sounds True, Boulder, CO.

Plett, Heather. (2020). The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership. Bright Wing Books. Vancouver, BC.

The post Holding Space For Our Loved Ones appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Internal Family Systems is a psychotherapy modality that engages subpersonalities or what are called parts. These parts often come from our younger years and they continually force us into behaviors we no longer want to do or emotional states we no longer want to feel. Getting to know these parts can help bring significant change to how we show up in the world.

…how we think about and relate to the inhabitants of our inner worlds translates directly to how we think about and relate to people. If we live in fear of and strive to control certain parts of us, we will do the same to people who resemble those parts. (Schwartz, 2021)

Why Parts Work?

One of the first books I read when I considered becoming a psychotherapist was the book, Internal Family Systems Therapy, by the founder of this modality Dick Schwartz. It seemed strange when I first read about it but I was very intrigued about how this could work for clients. At the time I was more interested in the body-based therapy I was doing and also incorporating Buddhist psychology into my work. Still, I never let go of the ideas of that first book and its impact on me.

Recently, I was able to join a training for IFS (this is what most people call it). Since doing the training I have been amazed at how it has impacted my own life as well as my clients. I’d like to spend this post talking about the ideas and benefits of Internal Family Systems and how it can support anyone’s mental health issues.

What Are Parts?

It can seem strange to think of yourself as a bunch of parts. Often it feels safer to feel like one cohesive self that is in control of your life. Starting to understand ourselves as multiple parts that are often in control of us can seem unsettling. I often think of myself as having an inner and outer world. The outer world is the world that I’m more often focused on which involves everything outside of my body and mind. The inner world however, is also quite complex and whether I’m engaging emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories or visuals there is a lot going on in my inner world.

Since starting Internal Family Systems therapy I have begun to see my inner world as a bunch of parts trying to protect and support my survival. Parts are not an estimation of something wrong but another way of understanding ourselves by delving into how these “sub-personalities” impact our lives. All these parts are in service to my survival.

Parts do need to come into relationship with us, not because they are bad, but because they are misdirected. Often they are younger parts and they still believe that the person they are protecting is still the same age when the part came into being. When we come into relationship with a part we can help that part to learn what has happened since that younger time and the part can learn to trust that a person is now more capable as an adult.

What Is Self?

Self is how IFS defines one’s essential nature. It is the pure you that exists in all spiritual traditions. In Buddhism they call it Buddha nature. In Christianity some call it Christ consciousness. In Judaism the Self, or soul, is called Neshamah which translates to breath. The Self is not a part or a personality but the divine nature that exists in all of us. It is not something that lives or dies. It always was and always will be.

The Self is not affected by trauma or painful events in our life. We can always access the Self in our day to day lives. However, for many of us the parts of us that are trying to protect us keep getting in the way of being who we really are.

What IFS does that is unique to other modalities is that it recognizes Self as our natural way of being. It then offers a way to live more in Self. By building relationships with all of our parts we can begin the journey back to our True Self. As the parts feel more connected to you they start to ease up in their roles and it is easier to live more in Self energy. Self energy is when a person is being their best. There is a grounded, open, loving way of moving through the world when we are in Self energy.

I have always thought that my primary goal in working with clients is to help them rediscover their True Self. Some clients have found this for fleeting moments. I now believe I have a much clearer way to support clients in that goal.

Within each of us is a wise, compassionate essence of goodness that knows how to relate harmoniously. In addition, we’re not one messed-up mind, but an internal system of parts. Sure, these parts can sometimes be disruptive or harmful, but once they’re unburdened, they return to their essential goodness. (Schwartz, 2021)

The Compassion Of IFS

The other thing that has really stood out for me in doing IFS is the level of compassion that I often experience when I do this work. When I work with a client I am noticing any parts that are getting away from my Self energy. This means I’m letting go of any agenda parts or irritated parts. By staying in Self energy I can bring compassion to the client and the parts he is getting to know in the session.

This modality also allows room for all parts. Nothing that comes up in a session is bad, unhelpful or unnecessary. Instead, everything is important to the maintenance of a client’s system. Every part matters and the client I am working with is not trying to get rid of a part but instead to bring compassion to it.

Connecting To Your Younger Self

In my last post I talked about how integrating the emotional brain with the thinking brain is an important part of all psychotherapeutic work. As I get more into the details of what IFS is doing for clients a big part is this integration.

Many of your parts are younger parts that are still acting out the painful experiences of childhood. A person who feels abandoned will have a part that may not be willing to engage in intimacy because of the fear of being abandoned. When this part is recognized suddenly this earlier way of experiencing the person’s life can change. Just by bringing this part into awareness allows for the part to settle down. It can reopen a person to new behaviors that were not accessible when the parts were actively engaging in these childhood adaptive strategies.

I like to think of being led by Self is a way to become the parent of our parts. In taking leadership we can allow these younger parts to be led by the compassionate parent that wasn’t always available when we were children. In doing this we can relax many of the internal divisions that often are unconscious. This is a way of describing the integration of the thinking brain and the emotional brain.

When our rational and emotional aspects are connected in this way, we don’t feel internal conflict, because there isn’t any. Free of inner conflict, we feel peaceful, open to joy, and open to giving and receiving love. (Paul, 2012)

How This Shows Up In My Life.

I have been doing the IFS training as well as doing my own IFS therapy over the last four months. I can honestly say that I have felt a significant shift in how I am showing up in my relationships and the level of energy I have. I am noticing I feel less stressed and more grounded. I have also started to sleep better.

In some ways IFS started as a way to provide a new modality for working with clients. As I end the training I can see it more as a way of life. Thinking in parts language allows me to be in touch with the adaptive strategies from my childhood. The blaming part that wants to find someone else for my internal struggle. The self-righteous part that wants to feel how much better I am than others. The impatient part that can’t believe my kids aren’t doing what I say.

As I engage my parts and build relationships with them they start to relax and I move more into Self energy. When I’m in Self energy I find I’m tapping into an inexhaustible amount of vitality.

I’m also noticing how much more compassion I’m feeling for myself and the people around me. When I’m in Self-energy those annoyed irritated parts are coming up and they settle down quicker.

It has only been four months but I can see my True Self emerging like never before.

If you want to explore getting to know your parts or know someone else who does please contact me here.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Anderson, Frank (2021). Transcending Trauma: Healing Complex PTSD with Internal Family Systems. Pesi Publishing. Eau Claire, WI.

Paul, Margaret. (2012). Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child. Harper One Publishing. San Francisco, California.

Schwartz, Richard. (2023). Introduction to Internal Family Systems. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

Schwartz, Richard. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True. Boulder, CO.

The post The Power Of Parts Work | Men’s Therapy appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

“No matter how much insight and understanding we develop, the rational brain is basically impotent to talk the emotional brain out of its own reality.”

Bessel van der Kolk

One of the most important shifts that happens in psychotherapy is the integration of the brain. When people struggle with overactive emotional systems like anxiety or depression it often means that there is a lack of integration in how the brain supports these emotional experiences. By bringing the emotional brain and the thinking brain into harmony people will feel a lot more freedom in how they can manage their feeling states. It often leads to less activation (less anxiety) and more vitality (less depression).

The fundamental issue in resolving traumatic stress is to restore the proper balance between the rational and emotional brains, so that you can feel in charge of how you respond and how you conduct your life. (Van Der Kolk, 2014)

Why Integration is Important

For most people growing up in even the most ideal family system there will still be some painful childhood moments that can lead to emotional dysregulation. If this happens enough it can permanently direct the brain’s chemistry to act in unhelpful ways.

For example, if you are continually harassed by a parent or sibling (who may think they are being playful) the brain can become hyper-vigilant to any kind of teasing or benign critical feedback. This means the brain can get activated by someone in your adult life joking around with you. Instead of being able to play along, the trigger initiates a defensive reaction.

What is happening in that moment is your unconscious mind is fighting back against the parent or sibling who may have disrespected your boundaries as a child. Even though you know in your head that the person in our adult life is being playful, our nervous system is still reacting defensively.  The defensiveness results from a brain that is not integrated enough to know the difference between what is playful and what violates our dignity.

Most triggers or big defensive reactions are due to a lack of internal integration. People who have been severely traumatized will have such a lack of integration they will feel dysregulated much of the time. For most people, the lack of feeling safe or opening up to creative or playful moments limit our overall life satisfaction. Often people don’t even know they are incapable of something better. Our triggers delude us into thinking the world is out to get us or that we are just broken.

How Do We Integrate?

One of the challenges of our anatomy is that our thinking brain, in the prefrontal cortex (right behind our foreheads) and our emotional brain, in the limbic system (in the middle of our brain) are not joined very well. There isn’t a direct anatomical linkage. When we integrate our brains we need these two areas of our brain to talk with each other.

So how do we do this? We use a part of our brain called the Medial prefrontal cortex (knowing this brain name is not important). This part of our brain has connections to both our thinking brain and our emotional brain. The interesting thing about this area of the brain is that it is the place where self-awareness happens. When a person engages in interoception or the process of looking inward this part of our brain lights up.

For example, when you are noticing a bodily sensation or consciously feeling hungry the medial prefrontal cortex lights up. When this happens it helps to link the feeling brain (hungry sensation) to the thinking brain (“I should eat something”). It is in this process of self-awareness that we have the possibility of integrating our brains.

By developing more self-awareness we create the capacity to feel our emotions and thus we can counteract the triggering response. When you notice the sensations in your body of anger, tight forearms, contracted jaw and constricted belly you can  allow the thinking brain to come in and announce “I’m feeling angry.”  This  interrupts the habituated response in the brain. It is in this noticing you have the possibility of responding rather than reacting.

The more we use  self-awareness the more integrated these triggers become. We start to build new neural pathways and our brains become more flexible. Instead of one or two reactions we now may have 5 or 6 responses to the same environmental stimulus.

In the example above, where a friend teased you, the limbic system will pull the memory of being teased in your family system up into your unconscious mind. Then it will bring up the same defensive response you have expressed for years. However, with increased self-awareness you can sense your body getting defensive. You can tolerate these sensations and emotions and have your thinking brain in the background gently reminding you that your friend is just being playful. Over time this gets easier and it becomes less necessary to tolerate. The self-awareness has created a new more integrated brain that can flexibly handle being teased.

…the only way we can consciously access the emotional brain is through self-awareness… (Van der Kolk, 2014)

Finding Compassion For Ourselves

When we start to integrate our brains the intensity of emotional states start to relax. By having our thinking brains online when we feel a lot of emotional upheaval we have the opportunity to bring a level of care and compassion to our emotions. As we integrate we notice we are less in the emotion and more in the awareness of the emotion. When this happens we can acknowledge what is happening and bring a sense of care and appreciation for our nervous system responding to a perceived threat in order to help us survive.

When we have a better understanding of why we are reacting in certain ways (using our thinking brain) we can also know that why we are feeling triggered is based on a younger part of us that is in need of care and support. This can help to soothe our emotional brain and create more linkages within the brain structures.

When we have a greater capacity to soothe ourselves by understanding why we react to things we end the conflict that often shows up as judgment about ourselves. “I’m too anxious, too stressed, too sad…” Instead we can learn to nurture our younger parts and show compassion for how they are still trying to protect us.

When we “rest in awareness” we can sense that the lower area’s input is honored, and so it can be differentiated but it is not enslaving us…This is how an awakened mind* moves toward being more spacious and stable. It is this acceptance of our ongoing moment-to-moment experience that sets the stage for us to be present with what is and then move our internal state to a more integrated way of being. (Siegel, 2012).

How This Shows Up in My Life

Having spent the better part of nearly two decades doing lots of awareness work, meditation and other practices to know myself, it is really the embodied self-awareness that has been the most helpful. I often have an idea of why I get triggered or when I get triggered. However, this knowledge doesn’t seem to help me change my behaviors. What has helped me more than anything else is sensing in my body the emotional experience that is arising.

When I can notice in myself that I’m getting irritated, annoyed or frustrated I can actually be with this experience and redirect the habitual behavior. This self-awareness at the body level gives me a lot more freedom in how I want to respond in my life.

Although it is difficult to measure, I do believe that over time developing self-awareness has also created strong neural pathways in my brain that have helped integrate my thinking brain with my emotional brain. Creating these pathways by using interoception (noticing my internal sensations like heart rate, etc.) has made my life more satisfying by allowing these signals to get turned into different behaviors. I now have more capacity to find patience, compassion and presence with my loved ones.

If you want to develop a more integrated brain or know someone else who does please contact me here.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Siegel, Daniel. (2012). Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind. W.W. Norton and Company, New York, NY.

Van der Kolk, Bessel. (2014). The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind And Body In The Healing Of Trauma Penguin Books. New York, NY.

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 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References

Biswas- Diener, Robert & Kasdan, Todd. (2104). The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self–Not Just Your “Good” Self–Drives Success and Fulfillment. New York, NY: Avery.

Fogel, Alan. (2013). Body Sense: The Science and Practice of Embodied Self-Awareness (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology). New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company

Schwartz, Arielle. (2020). A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Childhood Trauma. Emeryville, CA. Rockridge Press.

The post Unresolved Emotional Pain: How to Cope appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

In the world of intimate partnership it is often the case that we are caught up in our emotions and placing them on our partner. This projective process is quite normal. However, it can be painful for our loved ones. Emotional Sovereignty is the ability to fully own our emotional experience without placing it on others. This requires internal emotional awareness and the ability to notice the dysregulation in our own bodies. When it comes to men’s emotions, our experience can be different from women’s.

What is emotional sovereignty? Put simply it means owning your own shit. It is someone who has developed enough internal awareness of their own emotional responses that they don’t put it on the people around them. Not having emotional sovereignty is someone who comes home after a stressful day at work and takes out their stress and frustration on their family. Nobody means to do this. They are lacking in emotional awareness and the ability to tolerate uncomfortable feelings inside them. As a result they behave in unhealthy ways and blame everyone around them. Let’s look at men’s emotions specifically, (as a Denver men’s therapist, this is in my direct line of work).   In his book Men’s Work, Connor Beaton describes it like this, “Emotional sovereignty is about you being in direct contact with your emotions—how they manifest physically and feel in the body, where they come from historically or in the moment, and what they are trying to tell you or teach you.” (Beaton, 144)   The toddler brain. I’m stealing the idea of the toddler brain from Steven Stosny from his book, Soar Above: How To Use The Most Profound Part Of Your Brain Under Any Kind Of Stress. I like the idea of the toddler brain because I think it explains how our limbic system (the emotional area of our brain) can get overwhelmed. When our limbic system is flooded we act out with blame, criticism and aggression. This is the opposite of emotional sovereignty. When we are pulled into our toddler brain we are just reacting and not responding to the world around us. In Dr. Stosny’s book he explains that our brains actually learn how to be in relationship when at the toddler stage (age 2 and 3). This is when our brains are less developed. Our limbic systems are pretty well developed by age three so we have access to our full arsenal of emotions. What isn’t fully developed is what Dr. Stosny calls the adult brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is the area of the brain that makes sense of things and helps determine what is really happening versus what we are making up. As toddlers, we all learned to use our emotions to get our needs met. This often meant yelling, pushing and throwing tantrums. This all makes sense when we are two and three years old. However, as adults this is not very helpful. When we are in our toddler brain (overactive limbic response) we see the other person as the reason for our reactions rather than being aware of our reactions. “If I’m angry it’s because you are being a jerk and if I’m anxious you are scaring me.” The toddler brain is overreacting to what the other person is doing which leads us to act out in our relationships.   Learning how to get out of the toddler brain. If you think about what we are reacting to when we are in a difficult discussion with a partner or friend is the feeling that we are being undermined, dismissed or put down. We are in protective mode and we are attempting to protect ourselves from what we perceive as slights to our self identity. For Dr. Stosny, the way to get out of the toddler brain is to hold on to our self value when we are in those difficult conversations (arguments). We hold that we are valuable no matter how we perceive the other person is perceiving us. This gives us immunity to what the other person says, not because we don’t care what they are saying but because we know that we have value even if we perceive them as devaluing us. It could go like this: Your partner: “You never help around the house.” Your inner voice: “I know I’m not perfect but I make a real effort to support my partner and my family because a core value is my commitment to the people I love.” Your partner: “You’re always late.” Your inner voice: “I sometimes get distracted at work and I need to be better at this but I know I’m getting better and I will be on time more in the future. I value being respectful to the people I love.” By connecting to our self-value we don’t have to get caught up in the other person’s narrative and know that we are not who they are projecting onto in that moment. This allows us to stay in the conversation and not get as triggered by their response. This is emotional sovereignty. Men’s Emotions and Holding Intensity For many men the challenge of a relationship is being able to manage their own internal activation when their partner gets upset. When our lover gets upset we often feel threatened by their response. The two most common responses to this activation is shutdown or defend. Shutting down is a nervous system freeze response. This is a rigid and checked out feeling. Defending is often a fight response. Either way leaves our partners alone and more angry and agitated. Holding intensity is being able to tolerate the internal sensations and emotions while also staying in connection with our partners. I’m going to be honest…this is really hard to do. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth working on. For me there are two things that can help with this. One is getting more connected to your breathing and staying with your breath. The more we can get into awareness of our body the more regulated we will stay. The second one that is helpful is by repeating mantras that remind you that you’re safe. “I’m okay and {insert name of partner} is in pain.” “Relax and connect.” “I love you and I’m here for you.” I would encourage you to use something like this and put it into your own words.   Training your nervous system to handle intensity and anxiety is the path to becoming less reactive.     (Youngblood, 2019)   How this shows up in my life. As I was writing this blog post I was thinking about how this idea of being sovereign could be taken the wrong way. It could be understood as a reason to isolate and not engage in a relationship. That’s not what sovereign means. The meaning of sovereign is to exercise power. Being able to be in charge of our emotions so that we can exercise our power in a healthy, respectful way. When we don’t have emotional sovereignty we lose ourselves in the reactivity of the moment and are lost in defensiveness or emotional stoicism. I have been working hard on this super power for a few years now and I have gotten better. I still fail often but I know that my failure is not a measure of my ability to be a good partner. What I have realized is that I am the one that has emotions. I’m the one that gets angry, happy or irritated. Nobody else is making me feel how I feel. Not my wife, my kids or the guy flipping me off in traffic. In realizing this I’m the one solely responsible for how I feel, think and experience the world. My job is to own this and not put it on anyone else. This to me is the real power of being emotionally sovereign. I don’t make other people accountable for my emotions. This is what brings more harmony into my relationships and allows me to feel more connected in my life.   If you or someone you know wants to feel more emotionally sovereign, I encourage you to reach out.   Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!   References: Beaton, Connor. (2023). Men’s Work: A Practical Guide to Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, and Find Freedom. Boulder, CO. Sounds True. Stosny, Steven, Soar Above: How To Use The Most Profound Part Of Your Brain Under Any Kind Of Stress. Florida. Health Communications Inc. Youngblood, G.S. (2019) The Masculine In Relationship: A Blueprint for Inspiring the Trust, Lust, and Devotion of a Strong Woman. Self Published.

The post Emotional Sovereignty and Men’s Emotions appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Men’s issues are real. Read how self-isolation, panic, worry and stress are affecting men like you and me, right now.

Everyone’s experiences right now are unique to their situation, and if any of these “hit home” let’s work on it from home. Click here to book a virtual therapy session with me.

Focusing on men’s issues we have the following consequences:

Dating: Being and Feeling Alone in Social Isolation

Loneliness during social isolation is certainly prevalent right now. Were you previously trying to get back into dating or were actively seeing someone… that may be cut prematurely shut right now. Online dating seems to be a thing of the relatively recent past currently… when will things return to normal? We don’t know. And, if you were in a new relationship, and were physically connected, that lack of contact and sexual satisfaction could be doing numbers on your mental health. 

Partnering: Feeling Inadequate

If you’re in a marriage or partnership, you might be facing a whole different set of issues. If children are at home from school, your intimate relationship could currently be suffering. Being around each other all the time now (if you used to work outside the house) can also be fertile ground for arguments (both with your partner or your kids). If you recently lost your job due to the economic circumstances of the COVID-19 impact, your self-worth could really be taking a hit right now. 

Fatherhood: How to Be a Leader to Your Kids

You may not know, but I also have a practice called WholeHearted Dads that seeks to offer coaching for Dads who want better connections with their kids. It has evolved because my clients (and myself) are always seeking ways to be better at being a great Dad to their children. During times like these, just being the best man you can be (gentle, bold, strong, genuine) is the best you can do to be a leader to your family. 

Career: (Or, What Career?)

Maybe you were in transition before the pandemic began, hoping for a new career, but now no one is hiring. If you’re lucky, you’re still “stuck” at that unsatisfying job and employed at the very least. But if you were one of the guys that’s been laid off recently and don’t have work since hardly anyone’s hiring, well, I hear you man. Remember that you are not your work. Your work is not you. It can be a passion, a trade, but you are a human, and that is what we all are. 

Surviving Through Stress and Fear

Like cortisol, the chemical released when we are stressed, fear is equally toxic. It’s human to be afraid. As men, we don’t like to admit we’re scared. That’s where telehealth therapy and virtual coaching comes in. You can come out of this stronger, more resilient, healthier, and more confident than ever before – if you’re willing to break down to build up, first. 

Click to Book a Virtual Men’s Coaching Session

(a limited number of sliding scale options are available)

The post Men’s Issues During COVID-19 Pandemic appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

Sitting in the pain of your life is part of the therapeutic process. It is really uncomfortable and takes a lot of courage. But the goal of doing therapy is not to stop being in pain. The goal is to find your true self and, in that experience, a deeper connection to life and the people you love. It’s simply to find joy.

How can we find joy?

Positive Psychology. 

The aim of positive psychology is to catalyze a change in psychology from preoccupation only with repairing the worst things in life to also building the best qualities life.
Martin Seligman

If it isn’t clear from the above quotes the positive psychology movement has revolutionized the point of therapy. From the steely eyed psychologist of the 50’s and 60’s looking at their clients as objects to a relationally focused experience that brings the client and therapist into a field of interconnection today.

The shift has brought about the desire to create a growth experience for the client. This means helping the client to see their gifts and strengths through the pain they are currently struggling with.

Many clients tend to focus on what they are not doing well. It may be a lack of motivation, negative behaviors in their primary relationship, or problems being with their kids. It is important to help people to understand these behaviors and get a sense of what they can do to change them. However, it is equally important to identify how the client is successfully managing other parts of their lives.

The goal is to both illuminate the struggle while simultaneously magnifying the strengths.

The intrinsic self

A big part of helping the client is to get them in to a deeper connection with their intrinsic self. It is the basic understanding that we are, at the core, good and whole. Unfortunately for many years we have layered over this goodness with fear and psychological strategies to prove our worthiness. These strategies are what cause much of our pain and uncomfortable behavior in life.

Through increasing awareness these psychological masks are removed, and what emerges is who we are meant to be. This is the core of our being. We find this, not through effort, but through slowing down and listening deeply to ourselves.

What we find is that our awareness is who we really are and the emotions, thoughts and sensations that cause us so much suffering are only there to give us information but  not to be identified with. I love the following quote by John Wellwood a contemplative psychotherapist:

The discovery of basic goodness can be likened to clarifying muddy water – an ancient metaphor from the Taoist and Buddhist traditions.  Water is naturally pure and clear, though its turbulence may stir up mud from below.  Our awareness is like that, essentially clear and open, but muddied with the turbulence of conflicting thoughts and emotions. 

If we want to clarify the water, what else is there to do but let the water sit?  Usually we want to put our hands in the water and do something with the dirt – struggle with it, try to change it, fix it, sanitize it – but this only stirs up more mud.  “Maybe I can get ride of my sadness by thinking positive thoughts.”  But then the sadness sinks deeper and hardens into depression.  “Maybe I’ll get my anger out, show people how I feel.”  But this only spreads the dirt around.  The water of awareness regains its clarity through seeing the muddiness for what it is – recognizing the turbulence of thought and feeling as noise or static, rather than as who we really are.  When we stop reacting to it, which only stirs it up all the more, the mud can settle (Wellwood, 2000).

Finding Your Joy

The joy of life comes from a deeper opening to our true self. When we find this place we can experience a more satisfying relationship to ourselves and to the people around us. It means letting go of the need to be something else and showing up as the person you truly are.

The joy of life is found in relationship with others. Even the desire to create something amazing can truly be felt in the sharing of the experience with someone else. How often have you accomplished something on your own but only felt its full glory when you could see it reflected in the eyes of someone who cares?

The irony is that in letting go of the need to be of worth to others we actually become of real value to ourselves and those around us. When we no longer have to be enough, but instead we believe we are enough, relationships flourish. This is the path to more joy in life.

How this shows up in my own life.

I personally know the pain of attempting to live my life through the needs and wants of others. I spent my childhood trying to be the good enough son and brother. After that it was trying to be the good enough partner and friend. My life was spent working hard to prove my worthiness.

As my inner work has continued some of these old strategies still pop up in my marriage and as a father. However, more and more I find myself watching the murky water of selfhood. In my awareness I can see that I’m not my thoughts, feelings or sensations and this provides an opportunity to be who I really am. I witness all that is happening and try to not identify with any of it. No longer grasping for happiness or pushing away the discomfort.

My connection to myself has continued to grow and I find my relationships flourishing. This isn’t perfection but a willingness to be in the joy and the discomfort of all that unfolds in my life. I don’t think I’m a failure when things go bad and a hero when things go well. I recognize that it is all fleeting and wonderful at the same time.

If you or someone you know wants to find a deeper connection to themselves I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Kotler, Steven & Wheal, Jamie. (2017). Stealing Fire: How Silicon Valley, the Navy SEALs, and Maverick Scientists Are Revolutionizing the Way We Live and Work. Dey Street Books, NewYork, NY.

Wellwood, John. (2000). Toward A Psychology Of Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, And the Path Of Spiritual Transformation. Shambhala Publications, Boulder, CO.

The post The Goal Is Joy: Positive Psychology and Your Intrinsic Self appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

The Winter Solstice 

This day is one that I always appreciate. I love how the Northern Hemisphere is so bleak and at its darkest and suddenly the planet magically shifts back towards the light. Having lived in the Pacific Northwest for many years the days were so short during this time. Now, in Colorado, there is a bit more light but it always feels bleak around this time of the year.

I often hear people expressing dislike at the cold and lack of sun. I continually remind myself that we only have a few weeks and things will start to get better. Somehow the knowledge that the light will come back makes it easier for me to be in those darkest days.

Allowing the shadow in.

In my work with clients I’m often struck by how willing they are to step into their shadow parts and show their own darkness. Our shadow is the rejected parts of ourselves that show up in the form of grief or anger that were not fully expressed, These are the things about ourselves we don’t pay attention to and often don’t know are there.

Because of this lack of awareness it is our shadow that is running so much of our behavior.

An example is my own life is a feeling of intellectual inferiority. Growing up with a group of friends who often seemed to be my intellectual superior created in me a shadow part of believing I was not good enough in the realm of academics, processing thought and general debating. I had this fear that when I was talking, people around me were annoyed by my lack of knowledge.

In order to meet the needs of this shadow part of myself I began to obsessively work on becoming a “good enough thinker.” I read incessantly and when I’m not reading I’m trying to listen to audio books. This obsession comes out of an earlier wounding of feeling inferior.

Many of my friends would not agree with my interpretation of myself. However, since I didn’t deal with this feeling of not being good enough I am forced to live out certain behaviors to make up for it.

Stepping into the dark to find the light.

When I work with clients I often encourage them to go to places that are quite painful. I ask them to stay with memories, sensations and emotions that they find troubling. I do this because in bringing up their unacknowledged shadow they begin to free themselves from these unconscious behaviors.

In my case I began to see that my desire to learn was not about learning at all. I was attempting to prove to myself that I had intellectual value. As I began to bring awareness to this I started to find,  underneath my shadow, a deep confidence in my ability to think that had been masked over by my insecurity.

This is the light that lives in all of us. At our most basic essential self is our core goodness. This is who we are and who we also long to be. My core goodness had always been one of confidence.

When we commit to allowing the shadow to arise in us and let down our defensiveness we are committing to the soul work of coming home to ourselves.  This is not an easy journey but it is also the healing work that is done in psychotherapy.  Miriam Greenspan, in her book, Healing Through The Dark Emotions, explains this:

By learning how to attend to, befriend, and surrender to the energies of grief, despair, and fear, we create the conditions for something new to arise in ourselves and in the world. We discover an unexpected gateway to healing and transformation. We release ourselves from the strangled grip of pain into an amazing alchemy by which grief, despair, and fear are transmuted to gratitude, faith, and joy (Greenspan, 2004).

How this shows up in my life.

I don’t relish bringing up painful, sometimes traumatic, experiences for my clients. It is always hard to witness their anguish. Yet, I also hold them to this because I know of the, as Miriam Greenspan says, alchemy that being with our pain allows us to change.

In my life I continue to struggle with my own set of issues. My inability to handle my own pain and not want to project it on to others. My struggle to fully prioritize the relationships in my life that mean something to me. Getting lost in work and other silly things rather than being with those I truly care for.

The way through all of my issues is to turn towards them admit they are there with a vulnerable heart and to move towards my true self. I try and do this with patience.

If you are struggling right now with deep darkness in your life as a result of mental illness, aging, disease or loss I encourage you to be patient with yourself. Slowly, when the time comes, you can begin to turn towards your own darkness and bring forth your inner light.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the darkness of winter I encourage you to reach out.

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Resources:

Greenspan, Miriam. (20011). Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair. Boulder, CO: Shambhala.

Masters, Robert Augustus: (2018) Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark: Breaking Free from the Hidden Forces That Drive You. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. 

The post Tilting Towards The Light: How To Accept The Darkest Days appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

So often we create quick narratives about people that we feel are causing us discomfort. Someone cuts in front of you in traffic and the narrative is that they are an entitled jerk. Someone snaps at you and you immediately assume the worst about them. This is how the fundamental attribution error works. We make stories up about people based on their character rather than the context of the situation. This also happens in our relationships and can have painful results.

Why we commit the fundamental attribution error.

Imagine yourself stuck in a traffic jam. You are feeling frustrated and hopeless about making it to your appointment. As this happens someone drives by you on the shoulder of the road. Immediately you feel as if they are unjustified for moving their vehicle forward when you are stuck. The frustration you were feeling now starts to create a story about the driver of this car. That person is wrong and they are the kind of person that doesn’t care about what is fair and right in the world. Can you relate to having done this at some point in your life?

The reason this happens is that our brains have a hard time taking in situational and behavioral information at the same time. Instead we choose one and often we focus our attention on the behavior rather than the situation. Once we are focused on the behavior it is not a far leap to start to characterize the person who committed the behavior as the problem.

The trouble with this type of reaction is that there are assumptions being made about someone’s character based on very little information. We assume broad personality traits based on one event.

It reminds me of a joke. A man is driving along a steep mountain road when another car comes by and the driver yells “pig,” at this man. The man is taken aback and cannot believe this person called him a pig. He begins to think of all the reasons the people in the passing car are terrible people. As the man goes around the next curve he runs into a pig.

It is not wrong to feel mistreated when someone commits a behavior that impacts you. By this I mean, takes the last cookie, or says something you find hurtful. The feelings are a natural response to what happened. However, when we go from the feeling to the narrative we get into some difficult territory.

Adding in more context.

As we walk into a store a person suddenly bumps into us. We are startled and our mind immediately wants to look to see the perpetrator. They may look back at us and apologize which only minimally reduces our outrage. As they walk away we begin to create a narrative of this person…clumsy, dumb, jerk, etc.

But is this a true picture of someone just misjudging the width of a door and assuming they could easily get through it as someone else is passing through? I’m guessing most people have accidentally bumped into someone at some point.

When we are aware of the fundamental attribution error we can add in more context. We can remind ourselves that most people are not trying to make our lives difficult. We can also provide better understanding when we recall having done similar things (e.g. bumping into people, cutting in line).

Give your partner a break.

Where I think awareness of this sociological issue can be helpful is in our partnerships. I know that for myself when I am hurt by my partner it is quite easy to create a story about something they did. If my wife is short with me I immediately start to form a narrative about the type of person she is. “She doesn’t get it, she is so unfair and rude…”

My goal is to slow down and notice my tendency to build this narrative and not actually believe it. I wish I could say I do this all the time but that would be a lie. The truth is that I am working on being more mindful of how I do this and letting the error I am believing pass through me without grasping on to it.

I have found that reminding myself of all of the wonderful characteristics of my partner can neutralize this momentary event. This is difficult in the moment but slowing it down helps me to see how unfair my overreaction is.

So take note of the fundamental attribution error and pay attention to how you may commit this. The next time your partner or child makes a snide remark give them a break. They may just be having a bad day.

If you or someone you know is struggling with relational issues I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Photo by Tyler Nix -Unsplash

About the author:

My name is Bryce Giron Mathern and I’m the owner of Brass Balls Tender Heart. I am a licensed therapist in the Denver Metro area. Being passionate and committed to helping my clients have amazing relationships with their partners, children and other family members is my thing.

I have spent a big chunk of my life learning the skills necessary to create healthy relationships. If you are struggling in a relationship I encourage you to reach out for help. I believe that through a process of healing old wounds and learning new skills people can build relationships that are nourishing and supportive.

The post Give Your Partner A Break: The Fundamental Attribution Error appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.