Couples Counseling Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/couples-counseling/ Relationship Coaching for Men Wed, 14 Aug 2024 13:56:07 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://i0.wp.com/brassballstenderheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/cropped-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 Couples Counseling Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/couples-counseling/ 32 32 151881966 How to Listen Better https://brassballstenderheart.com/how-to-listen-better/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/how-to-listen-better/#comments Fri, 09 Aug 2024 14:56:49 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50142 To listen is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved … appreciate. … Continue reading How to Listen Better

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To listen is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved … appreciate. Listening is so central to human existence as to often escape notice; or, rather, it appears in so many guises that it’s seldom recognized as the overarching need that it is.  – Michael P. Nichols

 

One of the best ways we can improve our relationships is to listen to our people better.

And yet it is really difficult to listen. Why is this seemingly obvious human skill so challenging? What are the keys to good listening?

 

Why Is It Hard To Listen?

Listening takes effort. When we hear someone talking this is a passive act. You may hear what they say but it is passing over you. Listening on the other hand requires slowing down and really considering the words that are coming between you and the other person.

 

In today’s world we are much more distracted with 24 hour news cycles, loud T.V.s blaring in the background, smart phones sending alerts constantly and our ability to be on for our jobs all the time. This creates a storm of inattention and makes listening nearly impossible. We have become accustomed to hearing all of these distractions but not really listening to any of it.

 

One of the most difficult challenges in our current times is to focus our attention. This is focusing on a project, an activity or another person. Due to the highly distracted environments we live in people are less and less capable of being able to focus their attention. This is one of the main reasons I believe it is difficult to listen.

 

Closeness-Communication Bias.

Our brains are not seeing the world as it is…they see the world as the brain predicts it. This happens because predicting what the world is like takes less resources than trying to make sense of each situation. Our brain’s capacity to do this is really helpful.

 

However, there are times when it makes errors. In listening, people often consciously or unconsciously assume that they know what their loved ones (the people they communicate with the most) will say before they say it. This makes it hard to track new information and create true empathy and understanding.

 

Be honest. Have you ever had this thought?

“Oh God, here we go again, this is what she/he says every time. I’ve heard it all before. They keep saying the same thing.”

 

As a result of what is called the closeness-communication bias we actually listen to the people we love worse than strangers. This is something that everyone in partnership and with kids needs to be aware of in order to improve their listening skills. The reality is that people are constantly changing and it is important not to allow your brain to predict what they are going to say but instead stay open to something new. In order to do this you have to really listen.

 

“…people in long-term relationships tend to lose their curiosity for each other. Not necessarily in an unkind way; they just become convinced they know each other better than they do. They don’t listen because they think they already know what the other person will say.” (Murphy, 2020)

 

What Is Good Listening?

I think a good listener is someone who is open to hearing someone else’s experiences and ideas and acknowledges their point of view. —Gary Noesner

 

Most people can tell you what it is to be a bad listener…distracted, not present, interrupting, etc. It may be more difficult to really understand what it means to be a good listener.

 

Here are three keys to being a good listener.

  • Presence
  • Curiosity
  • Understanding

 

Presence means we are fully with the person that we are listening to. If you have ever tried to meditate you know why this is hard. Try and stay present with your breath without being distracted by the list of things you have to do that day for more than six seconds. Like anything, being present isn’t something you do, it is something you have to continually practice all of the time.

 

Curiosity means we are intently interested in what the person across from us is saying. This requires us to take in what they are saying rather than thinking about what we are going to say next. This is one of the trickiest parts of being a good listener. Don’t think about what you are going to say. Stay focused on what the other person is saying. This may mean that after they are done talking you have to take a moment to consider what you want to say. We often are worried that our response will take too long or be fumbled. However, what would you rather want?…someone who is really listening and then takes their time to respond or someone who is not listening and then gives a quick response that has nothing to do with what you just said. Being able to really concentrate on someone’s words and expressions allows you to respond in a more thoughtful and nuanced way.

 

Understanding is what makes someone feel seen. When we are in a conflictual conversation, where things are heated, we are not trying to acknowledge what the other person is saying. We are waiting to hear things that bolster our side of the argument. When we listen to understand we are taking in the information and trying to make sure we are getting it. You might even ask, “so you are saying this because this is what you mean by that?” When someone takes the time to really understand what you said…how does that feel? Have you ever felt understood? It feels different than someone trying to construct a counter argument.

 

The best listeners focus their attention and recruit other senses to the effort. Their brains work hard to process all that incoming information and find meaning, which opens the door to creativity, empathy, insight, and knowledge. Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort. (Murphy, 2020)

 

How Can You Improve Your Listening?

You don’t need to become a daily meditator or a yoga instructor to be a good listener. What you first need is a desire to be better. I think there are people out there who are really good listeners. They are not the norm. Most people get caught up in the normal distractive, mindless ways of hearing the people in their lives. It’s okay if you’re not an amazing listener.

 

My suggestion is to start slowly. If you want to be a superior listener with your partner, bring them into Project Better Listening. Tell them you want to do this better and then practice over and over again. Notice when you get distracted. Pay attention when you feel an emotion come up. Notice when you start to concoct your response. The more you can stay in your experience while taking in the other person’s words the more your listening skills will grow.

 

To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. (Murphy, 2020)

 

How This Shows Up In My Life.

You would think that I, a professional listener, would be really good at this. Well, in my professional life I am pretty good. I sometimes get distracted but my job is to find understanding with my clients and my presence and curiosity is critical.

 

In the rest of my life I struggle with the same issues I’ve cited in this post. I get distracted, I want to check my phone and I plan what I want to say next rather than paying attention to what is being said. The reality is I’m just as bad at this as everyone else. I think I’m better with my kids than with my wife (I’m sure she would agree).

 

I’m not willing to accept my shoddy listening skills so I aspire to be better and I work on this skill just like any skill I’ve improved on. I don’t have a daily practice exactly but what I’m really working on right now is repeating back to my wife how I understood what she just said. It’s a work in progress and I know it will never be finished.

 

So take to heart one point and start today to become a better listener.

 

If you want to improve your listening skills or know someone else who does please contact me here.

 

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Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Murphy, Kate (2020). You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters. Celadon Books. New York, New York.

Nichols, Michael P. (2021). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships.

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/how-to-listen-better/feed/ 1 50142 Considering Divorce: Should I Get a Lawyer? https://brassballstenderheart.com/divorce-should-i-get-a-lawyer/ Mon, 03 Jan 2022 18:18:52 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49811 (Don’t Lawyer Up… Yet.) Read This First… Points to Consider Before You Lawyer Up Should I get a lawyer…. you … Continue reading Considering Divorce: Should I Get a Lawyer?

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(Don’t Lawyer Up… Yet.)

Read This First… Points to Consider Before You Lawyer Up

Should I get a lawyer…. you may be asking yourself this right now after a particularly bad event or fight. It is natural to want to defend ourselves when we feel threatened. When the people we love are being critical, blaming or outright hostile we want to deny their opinion of us. In this defensive posture we act as lawyers, not listening or caring for the other but finding reasons they are wrong. What if we changed our defensive posture to one that allowed for a more present openhearted response? What if we were able to listen to understand rather than plan our response as a way to fight back? What if these interactions stopped being about winning and started being about understanding?

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When Your Relationship or Marriage Feels Like It’s Over

Our primitive response to threat comes in a flash. We can feel our face, arms and hands tighten and our mind focuses energy towards the person we perceive as attacking. Immediately we want to defend against what they are saying. We want to turn the argument around and put it on our partner…accuse them for what we are being accused.

If this sounds familiar it is because we all do this. We all get defensive when we feel we are being barraged with aggressive energy. The thing we do next is often start to listen for reasons the other person is wrong. This is why I liken this to being a lawyer. A person who is steeped in the law is often engaging a witness not to understand them but to find out the mistakes in their testimony. By doing this they are strengthening their case.

In some ways we are all defense attorneys attempting to protect ourselves by coming up with reasons the other person is wrong. The problem with this strategy is that we aren’t in a court of law. We are in our home with someone we love.

Trying to avoid or control other people doesn’t resolve your reactivity.Michael P. Nichols

So what is a better solution?

Awareness Is Key

I feel like a broken record talking about awareness because I talk about it a lot in these blog posts. The truth is nothing really can improve if we aren’t aware of what’s happening. When we are aware of how we are experiencing someone’s intrusion into our mental space then we have more options. We can begin to manage what is happening inside us and move out of the anxiety/anger by being aware of it and naming it.

We do this by being aware of the tension in our chests and the difficulty in our breath. We may even have enough resilience in the moment to say “I’m feeling anxious and upset.” Once we have started to feel it and name it we have already started to shift our primitive response out of fight flight and into a more manageable set of nervous system responses.

Being Generous

One of the challenges of really listening is that it takes energy and focus. It means we have to work to be a good listener. It means giving generously of ourselves. Often when we are being attacked by someone the last thing we want to do is be generous.

 

Often it’s a burden. Not, perhaps, the perfunctory attention we grant as part of the give-and-take of everyday life. But the sustained attention of careful listening—that takes strenuous and unselfish restraint. To listen well we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person’s need for attention.

Michael P. Nichols

 

It is important to acknowledge that in order to be a better listener we need to be very generous with our mental resources. So how do we become more generous with our mental energy so that we can listen better? We have to decide to do it. We have to be intentional. Set an intention each day that you will be generous with your partner/loved one and work to be more present with them. The intention will continually focus you towards doing the thing you are intending more often.

Acceptance

The value of acceptance is that it allows us to stop fighting what is. It doesn’t mean we can’t have boundaries and encourage our loved ones to treat us better. Acceptance is allowing, in the moment, what is happening. I think it also comes into play in how we listen to each other. For a long time I wanted my partner to talk to me in a certain way. I would groan and send all kinds of non-verbal feedback to her that her way of saying things wasn’t okay with me. I wasn’t listening to her words often I was just pissed that she talked to me a certain way.

What I have tried to do (sometimes successfully and sometimes not) lately is accept that she sometimes expresses herself in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. I may offer some boundary if it feels extreme but mostly I’ve worked to be okay with her voice inflection and volume. What this has done is it has allowed me to settle into the conversation more without trying to control her way of talking. This has allowed her to feel more seen and listened to and actually changed the way she talks to me. Funny isn’t it? When we accept people as they are they start to feel safer around us and they don’t need to express themselves in ways that feel uncomfortable.

 

A relationship matures when you can allow the other person to be who he or she is. If your mother criticizes everybody and you can’t accept this, your life may be dominated by your attempt to stop her (and everybody else, for that matter) from criticizing anything or anyone. Once you can let your mother be a person who’s critical—in other words, accept that she is who she is—you don’t have to fight it or organize your life around it.

Michael P. Nichols

 

How This Shows Up In My Life 

 

Ohhhh…I wish I could say that I’ve become a successful listener and really do this most of the time. The truth is that I struggle with being present with my loved ones all the time. I get triggered and instantly start to lawyer up.

The shift in me is that I can sometimes notice when I’m doing this and slow down and open my heart. When I do this the energy in the room changes and there is a much better chance that what ever is being argued or fought about will find a resolution.

The most common strategy I see in my practice is people organizing around their partner’s behaviors and trying and get them to change so that they can then be good partners.  I also did this for much of my marriage. Now my goal is to focus on me. I intend each day to listen with a present open heart for the good of my partner and the good of our relationship. My goal is not to win the argument but to understand my partner and learn more about who she is as a person.

As I type this all I can think about are the times I have failed. I also can recall times that have gone well. I believe we are always doing the best we can with the resources we have in our lives. Don’t let yourself off the hook…and be patient. Little micro changes over a long time bring you to a new way of listening.

If you or someone you know is struggling with how to listen effectively I encourage you to reach out.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

Nichols, Michael, P. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening, Second Edition: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

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