“Humans excel at stress-induced displacement aggression – consider how economic downturns increase rates of spousal and child abuse. Or consider a study of family violence and pro football. If the local team unexpectedly loses spousal/partner violence by men increases soon afterward.”

– Robert Sapolsky

Nobody wants to hurt the people they love. That is obvious. However, there are certain elements in our biological responses that tend to increase the tendency for this to happen. We must bring awareness to this neurobiological response to stress in order to overcome our tendency towards it.

“I don’t know, I was upset and then I just screamed at my wife. She didn’t really have anything to do with what was happening but it was almost like I had to get the frustration out of my body. It happened before I could even think about it. I’m ashamed to admit that yelling at her did make me feel better.”

~Male Client talking about a recent outburst with his partner

Displacement Aggression

We’ve all done it. We felt stressed, or cornered, and lashed out at someone that wasn’t the culprit. Why do we do this?

The answer is that it actually reduces the stress load we are feeling in the moment.

In his book, “Behave: The Biology Of Humans At Our Best And Worst,” Robert Sapolsky explains the idea of displacement aggression.

“There’s an additional depressing reason why stress fosters aggression—because it reduces stress. Shock a rat and its glucocorticoid levels and blood pressure rise; with enough shocks, it’s at risk for a “stress” ulcer. Various things can buffer the rat during shocks—running on a running wheel, eating, gnawing on wood in frustration. But a particularly effective buffer is for the rat to bite another rat. Stress-induced (aka frustration-induced) displacement aggression is ubiquitous in various species.” (Sapolsky, 2018).

Displacement aggression is moving the discomfort we are feeling on to others. Sapolsky believes we do this to reduce the level of CRH (corticotropin release hormone). This hormone is excreted by our hypothalamus as a response to stress.

When we feel all of these neuropeptides building up in our system we want to move things to a different place. Sapolsky has a theory as to why we do this:

Little is known concerning the neurobiology of displacement aggression blunting the stress response. I’d guess that lashing out activates dopaminergic reward pathways, a surefire way to inhibit CRH release. Far too often, giving an ulcer helps avoid getting one (Sapolsky, 2018).

If Sapolsky is correct then the reason we lash out at our loved ones is that we get a helpful surge of dopamine to cancel the stress hormones in our body. Thus, it feels good to be shitty to our loved ones.

Are we screwed?

Does this show that we are biologically predisposed to being assholes? I’m going to go with…no. Let me explain that my two twin boys are currently learning how to go potty in the toilet. They don’t know how to do this naturally. Naturally or biologically they just poop or pee when the sensation comes along. However, over time, they are learning (through a lot of parental nudging) to hold it in and wait till they get to the potty.

I’m not saying that our ability to manage our aggression is the same as not pooping in our pants…but there is a similarity. Just like potty training we can train ourselves to be aware of incoming aggression or stress overload and to develop regulating responses.

Awareness, awareness, awareness.

I find I’m a bit of a broken record with my clients but the answer to most problems in my opinion is our level of awareness (or consciousness or whatever cliché spiritual word you want to use this week).

The truth is we can only change what we are aware of in the moment. If we are focused on the problem of our partner, child or colleague and not on our own biological intensity, we will most likely fail to regulate and then…presto, lots of displacement aggression.

However, through the power of mindful awareness we can start to slow down, bring our attention to what is happening in our bodies, and start to regulate our nervous system down. This allows us to bring our prefrontal cortexes back on-line and we can manage the stress response that is happening.

How this shows up in my life.

It’s kind of like this. I’m helping my wife with dinner and as I’m doing this she snaps at me. It isn’t a big thing at all, just a simple retort to a question or a slight annoyance she is having. This triggers in me stuff from past relationships and my body goes into a stress response. My body starts getting tight and my mind starts quickly into a narrative about how rude, annoying and unreasonable my wife is. This line of thinking increases the stress and I start to get more and more stressed releasing more of the hormones that are causing me to be upset.

Suddenly, without warning, like a superhero, my awareness kicks in. I start to notice the thinking in my mind and the tightness in my body. I notice what is happening and I also notice that I’m noticing (that’s a lot of noticing). As this happens my stress level starts to subside, my human brain comes back on-line and I start to realize the craziness of all these thoughts.

As my body regulates I feel myself slowing down, like a carnival ride before it comes to a complete stop. Eventually, I’m back to a more neutral regulated place.

My wife, sensing my discomfort, looks up, asks if I’m okay. I smile and say I’m okay. She says she’s sorry she snapped at me but she was struggling with one of our boys. I tell her I appreciate her apology and there is no harm done. She smiles back. I open my arms and we hug. We are back in connection.

What could have been a few hours of disconnection and upset is moved through in a much easier way. This is the power of emotion regulation.

This ain’t easy.

Learning how to regulate ourselves is hard work. I’ve done a ton of awareness work in my life. My example is not to dismiss the challenge but only to say that, if I can do it, you can do it.

It takes a commitment to paying more attention to ourselves and working hard to show up in our relationships as our best selves.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Sapolsky, Robert. (2017). Behave: The Biology Of Humans At Our Best And Worst. Penguin Books. New York City, NY.

The post Displacement Aggression: Why Hurting Others Feels Good appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.

To listen is to pay attention, take an interest, care about, take to heart, validate, acknowledge, be moved … appreciate. Listening is so central to human existence as to often escape notice; or, rather, it appears in so many guises that it’s seldom recognized as the overarching need that it is.  – Michael P. Nichols

 

One of the best ways we can improve our relationships is to listen to our people better.

And yet it is really difficult to listen. Why is this seemingly obvious human skill so challenging? What are the keys to good listening?

Why Is It Hard To Listen?

Listening takes effort. When we hear someone talking this is a passive act. You may hear what they say but it is passing over you. Listening on the other hand requires slowing down and really considering the words that are coming between you and the other person.

In today’s world we are much more distracted with 24 hour news cycles, loud T.V.s blaring in the background, smart phones sending alerts constantly and our ability to be on for our jobs all the time. This creates a storm of inattention and makes listening nearly impossible. We have become accustomed to hearing all of these distractions but not really listening to any of it.

One of the most difficult challenges in our current times is to focus our attention. This is focusing on a project, an activity or another person. Due to the highly distracted environments we live in people are less and less capable of being able to focus their attention. This is one of the main reasons I believe it is difficult to listen.

Closeness-Communication Bias.

Our brains are not seeing the world as it is…they see the world as the brain predicts it. This happens because predicting what the world is like takes less resources than trying to make sense of each situation. Our brain’s capacity to do this is really helpful.

However, there are times when it makes errors. In listening, people often consciously or unconsciously assume that they know what their loved ones (the people they communicate with the most) will say before they say it. This makes it hard to track new information and create true empathy and understanding.

Be honest. Have you ever had this thought?

“Oh God, here we go again, this is what she/he says every time. I’ve heard it all before. They keep saying the same thing.”

As a result of what is called the closeness-communication bias we actually listen to the people we love worse than strangers. This is something that everyone in partnership and with kids needs to be aware of in order to improve their listening skills. The reality is that people are constantly changing and it is important not to allow your brain to predict what they are going to say but instead stay open to something new. In order to do this you have to really listen.

“…people in long-term relationships tend to lose their curiosity for each other. Not necessarily in an unkind way; they just become convinced they know each other better than they do. They don’t listen because they think they already know what the other person will say.” (Murphy, 2020)

What Is Good Listening?

I think a good listener is someone who is open to hearing someone else’s experiences and ideas and acknowledges their point of view. —Gary Noesner

Most people can tell you what it is to be a bad listener…distracted, not present, interrupting, etc. It may be more difficult to really understand what it means to be a good listener.

Here are three keys to being a good listener.

• Presence
• Curiosity
• Understanding

Presence means we are fully with the person that we are listening to. If you have ever tried to meditate you know why this is hard. Try and stay present with your breath without being distracted by the list of things you have to do that day for more than six seconds. Like anything, being present isn’t something you do, it is something you have to continually practice all of the time.

Curiosity means we are intently interested in what the person across from us is saying. This requires us to take in what they are saying rather than thinking about what we are going to say next. This is one of the trickiest parts of being a good listener. Don’t think about what you are going to say. Stay focused on what the other person is saying. This may mean that after they are done talking you have to take a moment to consider what you want to say. We often are worried that our response will take too long or be fumbled. However, what would you rather want?…someone who is really listening and then takes their time to respond or someone who is not listening and then gives a quick response that has nothing to do with what you just said. Being able to really concentrate on someone’s words and expressions allows you to respond in a more thoughtful and nuanced way.

Understanding is what makes someone feel seen. When we are in a conflictual conversation, where things are heated, we are not trying to acknowledge what the other person is saying. We are waiting to hear things that bolster our side of the argument. When we listen to understand we are taking in the information and trying to make sure we are getting it. You might even ask, “so you are saying this because this is what you mean by that?” When someone takes the time to really understand what you said…how does that feel? Have you ever felt understood? It feels different than someone trying to construct a counter argument.

The best listeners focus their attention and recruit other senses to the effort. Their brains work hard to process all that incoming information and find meaning, which opens the door to creativity, empathy, insight, and knowledge. Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort. (Murphy, 2020)

How Can You Improve Your Listening?

You don’t need to become a daily meditator or a yoga instructor to be a good listener. What you first need is a desire to be better. I think there are people out there who are really good listeners. They are not the norm. Most people get caught up in the normal distractive, mindless ways of hearing the people in their lives. It’s okay if you’re not an amazing listener.

My suggestion is to start slowly. If you want to be a superior listener with your partner, bring them into Project Better Listening. Tell them you want to do this better and then practice over and over again. Notice when you get distracted. Pay attention when you feel an emotion come up. Notice when you start to concoct your response. The more you can stay in your experience while taking in the other person’s words the more your listening skills will grow.

To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. (Murphy, 2020)

How This Shows Up In My Life.

You would think that I, a professional listener, would be really good at this. Well, in my professional life I am pretty good. I sometimes get distracted but my job is to find understanding with my clients and my presence and curiosity is critical.

In the rest of my life I struggle with the same issues I’ve cited in this post. I get distracted, I want to check my phone and I plan what I want to say next rather than paying attention to what is being said. The reality is I’m just as bad at this as everyone else. I think I’m better with my kids than with my wife (I’m sure she would agree).

I’m not willing to accept my shoddy listening skills so I aspire to be better and I work on this skill just like any skill I’ve improved on. I don’t have a daily practice exactly but what I’m really working on right now is repeating back to my wife how I understood what she just said. It’s a work in progress and I know it will never be finished.

So take to heart one point and start today to become a better listener.

If you want to improve your listening skills or know someone else who does please contact me here.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Murphy, Kate (2020). You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters. Celadon Books. New York, New York.

Nichols, Michael P. (2021). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships.

The post How to Listen Better appeared first on BrassBalls TenderHeart.