Change Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/change/ Relationship Coaching for Men Tue, 08 Jul 2025 13:55:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://i0.wp.com/brassballstenderheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/cropped-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 Change Archives - BrassBalls TenderHeart https://brassballstenderheart.com/category/change/ 32 32 151881966 In The Age Of AI – Relationships Are Critical! https://brassballstenderheart.com/in-the-age-of-ai-relationships-are-critical/ Tue, 08 Jul 2025 13:37:37 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=50350 “AI cannot replace compassion, empathy, or love. These are the domains of human relationships – our ultimate strength.” Kai-Fung Lee … Continue reading In The Age Of AI – Relationships Are Critical!

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“AI cannot replace compassion, empathy, or love. These are the domains of human relationships – our ultimate strength.”

Kai-Fung Lee

(AI expert, former president of Google China)The coming AI revolution will change our world in ways that most people can’t imagine.

 

What are the skills that will still matter? The relationship skills that we use in our work and the people we love.

This is the future of our world whether we want it to be or not. Our Virtual Men’s Group is committed to teaching the important skills of being in your relationships.

Are you a man navigating challenges in your romantic relationship? Join our Men’s Group for Healthier Relationships.

 

We are bringing a group of men together to challenge them in their relationship beliefs and help them to develop new skills and tools that will benefit them in all their relational challenges. The group will bring the masculine and feminine into the online experience to help the group understand those important dynamics. The goal of the group is to help men find a way to fully embrace their power and leadership in their lives while also finding the tenderness and care that they want to bring to the people they love. You can embrace your greatness as well as your gentleness.

 

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Men’s Group (Online)

Strengthen Your Relationships

Wednesdays | Every Two Weeks at 2pm Mountain Standard Time

 

Learn how to:

  • Regulate your nervous system
  • Repair issues that come up
  • Work with the feminine
  • Express your needs better
  • Communicate in a way that your partner can hear it
  • Lead the relationship back into connection
  • Show up with clarity and presence
  • Learn how to build emotional intelligence

 

For more information, click here: https://brassballstenderheart.com/denver-mens-issues-support-group/

 

To join,  or ask a question, Email me at bryce@brassballstenderheart.com or Text me at 720-935-2706

 

 

In an age of machines and speed, what becomes sacred again is human presence. Deep attunement is our medicine.

 

Thomas Hübl

(Spiritual Teacher and Author of Attuned)

 

 

Technology makes the illusion of companionship without the demands of intimacy. But only real relationships teach empathy.

 

Sherry Turkle

(MIT sociologists & Author of Alone Together)

 

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]]> 50350 Living in Uncertainty: Strategies to Help https://brassballstenderheart.com/living-in-uncertainty/ Mon, 03 Jan 2022 19:12:53 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49821 (Or: How To Dance In The Gray)   In today’s world there seems to be an inordinate amount of pressure … Continue reading Living in Uncertainty: Strategies to Help

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(Or: How To Dance In The Gray)

 

In today’s world there seems to be an inordinate amount of pressure to know the answer or have figured out our lives, our futures and every other major thing happening. We live in a world where information for most things is at our fingertips. Yet how much do we really know? When we don’t know what is that like? How do we learn to get more comfortable with the things that we are not sure about? How can be process healthily – living in uncertainty?

 

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When is not knowing actually helpful?

 

Often when we don’t know what to do we feel a sense of insecurity. This often comes up in our relationships. When our loved ones are struggling and not certain of what to do in their lives we can feel a responsibility to help them and make things certain again. Although this often comes from a place of love I do think we are also trying to manage our own anxiety by throwing out suggestions and solutions.

When we can stay in the unknown with our wife, husband or child and listen to their struggle we can help them feel less alone in their own uncertainty. This is such a powerful way to be loving. To be there when someone is struggling and just hold space for them.

 

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing…that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

Another place we gain from not knowing is being able to see the complexity of life. When things are not black and white we can feel confused. This confusion may cause discomfort and wanting to end the confusion by taking a side. In taking a side we lose out on how complex things can be in life. It is possible to feel both sadness and joy at the same time. It is possible to feel revulsion and compassion with what someone has done to us. When we jump quickly to one of those we lose the fullness of the experience.

 

Having an open mind doesn’t imply having no opinion. It often implies having both opinions. It means not denying the supposed contradiction that victims can be victimizers and vice versa…

Jamie Holmes
The Zen Of Not Knowing.

Today, in our divided world many people have staked their claim in certainty. On each side of the political spectrum or cultural divide are people yelling at the other side for being wrong and claiming the righteousness of their side.

In the Buddhist school of Zen there is a strong commitment to not knowing and staying present with uncertainty. The value of this state of openmindedness is to allow oneself to be able to see the perspective of someone else. A Zen practitioner can listen with an open mind and open heart when they practice not-knowing.

 

We all want to be the one who knows. But if we decide we “know” something, we are not open to other possibilities anymore. And that’s a shame. We lose something very vital in our life when it’s more important to us to be one who knows than it is to be awake to what’s happening.

Zenkei Blanche Hartman

The world needs more of this open way of being. In order to do this we have to learn to accept that we don’t know everything. This allows us to stay curious to political and cultural differences. When we grasp at certainty we lose our open mind and open heart.

 

Living with Uncertainty and Learning To Live With Gray

 

I think the real challenge in living in uncertainty is the issue of control. When we know what to do we have a sense that our lives are controlled which brings a sense of safety. When we don’t feel clear about something we feel a loss of control. Fear creeps in soon after we lose control.

In order to become more comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing we need to let go of the control we want to have in our lives. We do this by accepting the anxiety or uncomfortable feelings that emerge when we notice a lack of control.

When you don’t feel like you have control what happens? Does your anxiety increase? Do you want to get away from that feeling? Control is often a mirage that we use to override the anxiety that we are really feeling. Instead of being present with our anxiety we move to quickly manage the situation.

To live in the gray we must come into awareness of our lack of control and that we don’t really know much of what we tell ourselves is true or right. When we acknowledge this we can then feel the anxiety of not having control and allow this to be a part of our experience. When we are able to be honest with the feelings that emerge, when we are uncertain, we no longer need to be afraid. It can become a place to explorer with profound possibility.

 

How Living in Uncertainty Shows Up In My Life

I have lived a fake life of trying to be some wise sage who knows all. I took on that identity early in my childhood. Somehow I falsely appeared to be wiser than my age. I loved it when others would nod in agreement after I spoke. It pumped up my ego and made me feel like I was important. I guess that’s partly why I enjoy being a therapist. However, what I have discovered is truly helpful for my clients is not my ideas or wisdom on what they are going through. What helps is sitting with them in their own internal conflict.

I continually realize that really supporting people in my work is helping them to navigate what they don’t know. Is this the right partner for me? Am I being a good parent? What if I never get out of these depressive states? When there are no answers what is helpful is being in the grayness of it all. Feeling the fear, confusion and frustration for not having answers. Facing this fear is what helps us to find more resilience.

In my own life, when I jump to solutions, what I’m often doing is trying to avoid what I’m feeling. I want to ensure those around me that I am in control. This usually ends up going poorly. However, when I am true to what is happening in the moment I feel the pain of not knowing. As the pain is experienced I learn that not knowing is not as bad as I imagined it to be. Facing the gray with those around me often helps me to feel more connected and possibly create more creative solutions. It is in these moments that I feel a growing confidence that I can accept life as it is.

If you or someone you know is struggling with uncertainty I encourage you to reach out.

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

brassballs tenderheart, relationship coaching in Denver, relationship counseling, counseling for couples, couples counseling in Denver. Denver couples counseling

 

Mentioned Further Reading:

Hartman, Zenkei Blanche. “The Zen Of Not Knowing.”Tricycle. 9 March, 2019, https://tricycle.org/trikedaily/zen-not-knowing/

Holmes, Jamie. (2015). Nonsense: The Power of Not Knowing. New York, NY: Crown Publishing

Nouwen, J.M. Henri. (2004). Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life. Notre Dame, IN: Ave Marie Press

 

 

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]]> 49821 Ending Our Old Childhood Strategies https://brassballstenderheart.com/ending-old-childhood-strategies/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/ending-old-childhood-strategies/#respond Sat, 01 Feb 2020 18:23:43 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=49522 Kenny Rodgers Ain’t No Coward… One of the most difficult parts of being an adult is letting go of old … Continue reading Ending Our Old Childhood Strategies

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Kenny Rodgers Ain’t No Coward…

mens counseling, kenny rodgers, bryce mathern, therapy for men

One of the most difficult parts of being an adult is letting go of old childhood strategies.

 

These strategies come from having to survive in any family system. Everyone has some strategy that they bring out of their childhood into adulthood. As we recognize how these strategies impact our lives we can start to let go of how they influence us.

The Coward Of The County

Growing up in Montana I had the pleasure of listening to a lot of Kenny Rodgers. My mom was a big fan and I recall her attending one of his concerts. One thing Kenny Rodgers could do was tell a good story.

One of my all-time favorite songs was Coward Of The County.

The story is of a young boy who grows up with a violent father who continually gets in brawls and eventually dies in a jail cell when the young boy, Tommy, is ten years old.

Before he dies Tommy’s father tells him to take a different path in life so that he doesn’t end up like his father. Tommy follows his dad’s words which leads him to become the coward of the county. Tommy continually backs down from conflict and doesn’t stand up to other boys.

Eventually, Tommy is pushed to the limit by the Gatlin boys for assaulting his love, Becky.

Tommy opened up the door, and saw his Becky crying
The torn dress, the shattered look was more than he could stand 

In this moment Tommy decides that he must let go of his father’s past and become the man he needs to become to protect the woman he loves.

In the end Tommy cleans up on the Gatlin brothers.

Twenty years of crawling was bottled up inside him
He wasn’t holding nothin’ back, he let ’em have it all
When Tommy left the barroom, not a Gatlin boy was standing
He said, “this one’s for Becky, as he watched the last one fall
Tommy speaks to his father to let him know that he still honors his desire for Tommy to live a different life but he must become his own man.

I promised you, Dad, not to do the things you’ve done
I walk away from trouble when I can
Now please don’t think I’m weak, I didn’t turn the other cheek
And papa, I sure hope you understand
Sometimes you gotta fight when you’re a man

Childhood strategies

Tommy was very aware of his father’s words and he chose to try and live a different life. He also was well aware of the moment he knew he couldn’t continue to live that life.

Childhood strategies are often not something we notice happening in our lives. This is because we often make these decisions out of our conscious awareness. They happen in our implicit brain based more on sensation and feeling than logical thinking.

A good example of a childhood strategy that I see often in my clients is the limitation of emotions. When kids grow up in a family system that is scary or repressive, they will often limit their full range of emotions. If a child is continually admonished for showing his anger this will lead the child to stop experiencing his anger.

A child does this by keeping his mind away from his inner experience through cognitive distraction. The child thinks about other things when he gets angry and acts like everything is fine. Other children, may actually dissociate from themselves in order to feel safe again.

This will then show up for adults. However, after years of doing this most adults are not aware it is happening.

Getting out of childhood strategies

The way that we end these childhood strategies is through awareness. When we can finally see how these strategies limit our humanity we can shift towards new behaviors.

For many of my clients this comes about from seeing how they repress their authentic experience. They start to realize how limiting this is in the rest of their lives and they commit to modifying it.

Being with the younger self.

Another part of healing these strategies is finding access to the 7 year old that still believes that this strategy is what is keeping them safe. Wether it is addiction or emotional repression or some other behavior that is no longer helpful, our younger self wants to keep the strategy going in order to control the environment they are in.

If emotional expression is not safe then the younger self will continually signal the adult self to not show or possibly even feel any emotions.

In order to change it is important to create a relationship with this younger self and help them to know that they are no longer in danger. The adult self soothes the younger self and helps them to experience the world differently.

As the younger self feels more safety the childhood strategy is usually no longer necessary.

How this shows up in my own life.

In my life, through therapy, I have learned about my own childhood strategies. One strategy that came up for me was the tendency to take responsibility for other people’s pain. As a sensitive kid I felt like I had to take care of the people in my family when they were feeling uncomfortable. I would try and distract them by being goofy and making everyone laugh. I still can remember a time when I was in a family therapy session and I was doing all I could to make my parents and sister laugh. The laughter made me feel safe. When they expressed their pain I felt scared.

So what is wrong with trying to lighten the mood and bring a little levity into the situation? The problem is that I wasn’t allowing myself to be in touch with how I authentically felt. I was trying to distract myself from my own discomfort and keep my family distracted as well.

As a result of this strategy I would take on co-dependent behaviors in relationships. I would be more attuned to the person than I was with myself. I was externally focused and trying to make them feel happy rather than dealing with what was really going on inside myself. This led to a lot of dissatisfying relationships.

By seeing this strategy and allowing my younger self to feel safe I don’t do this as much. It is hard to see the pain of my loved ones but I have learned that their pain is not my fault. This allows me to care for them — but not take responsibility for them.

If you or someone you know wants to change their childhood strategies I encourage you to reach out.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

 

 

About the Author, Bryce Mathern, Owner of BrassBalls TenderHeart, a counseling and coaching practice for men in Denver.

brassballs tenderheart, men counselor, counseling, men and shame
Bryce Mathern, LPC

Bryce believes that as men, we have to hide our emotions, according to society. Yet, when we break through that barrier, we become even bolder, more powerful, intuitive and emotionally intelligent. Coaching is a way for strong men to become even stronger and more clear on their lives. For more information and to schedule a consultation, click here.

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/ending-old-childhood-strategies/feed/ 0 49522 Learning How To Change Your Stuck Behaviors https://brassballstenderheart.com/learning-to-change-stuck-behaviors/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/learning-to-change-stuck-behaviors/#comments Wed, 09 Jan 2019 20:56:28 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=1184 How People Change   Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are … Continue reading Learning How To Change Your Stuck Behaviors

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How People Change

 

richard o'conner, richard oconner quotes, quotes for men, mens quotes, brassballs tenderheart, quotes on change

Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are making their life difficult.  They know what they are doing but they don’t know how to change. Change is something that continues to allude the most disciplined. Why is this?

Automatic And Primitive Brain

Often times when we have a behavior we want to change we use our conscious mind to consider the reasons we do it, we make a plan for how to change and then we attempt to move away from that behavior.  However, when we the environmental stimulus comes at us again we find it impossible to not react in similar fashion.  What is happening here?

The conscious mind really only makes up a small portion of the things that help us to make decisions and our ways of reacting to the people in our lives.  Most of what creates this is our automatic mind, the mind below our awareness.  As a result of this we continue to react in the same way until we start to shift the way we perceive the world. This is how Richard O’Conner sees it in his book, Rewire.

The conscious self can certainly make mistakes, but it’s our automatic self that usually causes trouble; it’s guided by motives and prejudices we’re not aware of, our own unique frames of reference that are not in sync with reality, old habits of doing things in a particular way, feelings we try to deny. The automatic self directs most of our behavior, especially spontaneous actions. (O’Connor, 2014) 

How This Shows Up In Life

Let’s look at an example.  Let’s say the behavior you are looking to change is trusting your partner more.  Your conscious mind can’t seem to come up with real reasons why your partner is doing something untrustworthy, yet, time and again you find yourself doubting your partner’s motives and wondering if he or she is interested in someone else.  In a case like this, we first have to look at why there is some issue with trusting others.  Why is it difficult to trust others?  For someone who grew up with caretakers that were chaotic, self-absorbed and not emotionally available,  a child may start to get the idea that people can’t be trusted.  If someone, time and time again, were to be let down by their caretakers they will start to believe that it is hopeless to trust someone.

That same child now has grown up to become an adult.  He is able to differentiate between fantasy and reality as all his brain comes online.  When this person meets their partner they start to see their partner through a similar lens that they saw their caretakers.  The deep unconscious belief may be something like, “people are not trustworthy.”  This belief will then impact much of what this person sees in the world around them.  They will layer on reasons to believe this without anything really being there.

The automatic mind is going to be looking for things in the environment that validate the person’s belief.  They will see their partner talking to someone of the opposite sex as flirting. They will view any moment of a partner’s lack of sexual interest as evidence they are sleeping with someone else.  The automatic mind is organized to create the reality that it believes exists. The partner will find all of these suggestions of unfaithfulness bewildering.  They will wonder if their partner is slightly crazy.

The sad reality is that by constantly punishing a partner for irrational actions and blaming them for things that are not true our partners will start to feel abandoned and lonely.  Sometimes those partners will seek intimacy with another.  When this happens the conspiracy that the person made through their automatic mind is fully validated.  They knew all along that their husband or wife was not trustworthy.

This can play out all too often.  So how do we really change these difficult behaviors?

 

How We Change

Unfortunately we cannot rid ourselves of unhealthy beliefs.  What we can do is develop new beliefs. In working with a belief around trust it would be important to explorer the pain of growing up in a world where the caretakers couldn’t be trusted.  Although it is impossible to change the events of one’s past the memory of the past is quite malleable.

By discovering moments when these old beliefs were created we can actually modify the beliefs by having a new experience. This experience can allow the inner child to start to believe that they can trust people.

 

 

Once someone is willing to see that their reality may have more to do with their past than their present it is possible to help them sort out what is real from what is false.  Once we know that we see things through the same lens we can question what we are seeing.

It takes time and commitment to feel the pain and grief of childhood and then to see how this may have impacted loved ones in the present.  But over time the unconscious mind can actually begin to develop new ways of perceiving the world.

The trick in overcoming self-destructive behavior is not so much to strengthen the conscious self so we can “control” ourselves better, though that helps sometimes. Rather, we must train the automatic self to do things like make wiser decisions unconsciously, ignore distractions, withstand temptations, see ourselves and the world more clearly, and interrupt our reflexive responses before they get us in trouble.  (O’conner, 2014)

If you know of a behavior you would like to change please contact me.

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

O’Conner, Richard (2015). Rewire: Change Your Brain To To Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior. New York, New York, Avery.

Photo by Kat Yukawa – Unsplash

 

 

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/learning-to-change-stuck-behaviors/feed/ 2 1184 How to Change Habits For Good https://brassballstenderheart.com/change-habits/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/change-habits/#respond Fri, 07 Dec 2018 22:59:27 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=1157 Searching for how to change habits? Habits, however maladaptive, feel right to us after doing them for many years. Oftentimes … Continue reading How to Change Habits For Good

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]]> habits, changing habits, how to change habits, creating good habits, habits and relationships

Searching for how to change habits? Habits, however maladaptive, feel right to us after doing them for many years. Oftentimes people wonder why they continue to behave in ways they know are not healthy. This is due to the brains preference for habitual responses. Luckily human beings are quite adaptable and we can make changes that create more satisfying outcomes. The struggle in changing is that people often cling to the familiar.

 

Habits Are Good

Our brains are designed to create habits.  This organ does this as a way of reducing the cost of having to think through things again and again.  As we learn a task, say, brushing our teeth, the brain slowly recognizes the consistency of this effort and begins to move it over to habit.  We can then brush our teeth with minimal conscious awareness.

 

This is good news.  Having to think through things that are difficult each time they happen would waste a lot of our time.  If we had to think through how to drive every time we got behind the wheel we would likely not want to go through that process very often. Instead we can drive for long stretches without having to think much about what we are doing. Habits are really helpful.

 

The issue is the habits that we don’t want to have.  The reactivity in our relationships or the habit of telling white lies to save face are things that we want to change.  These are developed much like brushing our teeth and driving a car.  We do them so often that it becomes automatic.  So how do we begin to change these habits?

 

Changing Our Beliefs

In his book, Change Your Habits, Change Your Life, author Tom Corley explains how our beliefs contribute to our bad habits:

 

“Our beliefs and emotions trigger habits. Negative beliefs and emotions trigger bad habits and positive beliefs and emotions trigger good habits. If you want to eliminate a bad habit, you need to eliminate the negative belief. In order to do this you must become aware of the negative emotions that trigger negative beliefs while they are occurring; then you must reprogram your belief system from negative to positive. This stops the ensuing bad habit in its tracks.” (Corley, 2016)

 

As Corley explains, the key to change is to become aware of the negative beliefs we have about ourselves and how this brings up negative emotions.  Once we identify these we are able to shift towards changing how we perceive ourselves.

 

An example in my own life is the belief that I’m only loveable for what I do.  This belief is not necessarily bad but it is limiting. I don’t believe myself to be valuable just for who I am.  As a result of this belief some of the habits I have picked up is focusing my energy towards doing and working and away from relating.  Instead of being in relationship with the people in my life, I have a strong habit of pushing myself towards accomplishments in order to prove to these people I’m worthy of their love.

 

As I have brought awareness to this limiting belief and started to build a more positive belief, “I’m loveable for who I am,” I have been able to focus more of my time on being with the people I care about and not habitually having to prove my worth by accomplishing tasks.

 

How to Change Habits? It’s All About Awareness

If you are in the beginning stages of wanting to change a habit it can seem daunting.  For example, a habit that may come up is being defensive in relationships.  Someone who has this habit may shutdown or get really upset whenever someone brings up a mistake this person made.  Over time this person may have started to realize that their defensiveness is getting in the way of their relationships.  They want to change but it may seem like a mountain to climb.

 

 

When we bring awareness to these habits we begin to notice how they arise in our minds and bodies.  For example, when a person becomes defensive all kinds of things happen that can alert them to this way of reacting.  They may feel angry and feel a tightening in their body.  By bringing awareness to this experience a memory of how they were treated when they were younger may come up.  This could help them then explorer how that experience led to some belief about themselves.  Maybe they remember feeling really unsafe with a caretaker who didn’t help this person understand that it’s okay to make mistakes.  The belief that came about was something like, “I’m unsafe when I make mistakes.”

 

Once the person realizes the belief they can then start to build a new belief like, “it’s okay to make mistakes.”  Coming from this belief the person will no longer need to be defensive when someone brings up a misstep they have made.

 

Although it is challenging to change our habits it is not impossible. I personally see it every week working with my clients.  Reactivity, emotionally shutting down, losing tempers or having panic attacks are all ways our nervous systems respond to certain stimulation.  By bringing the power of awareness to how this happens in our experience we can make important changes to our lives.

 

About BrassBalls TenderHeart, Men’s Therapy in Denver

bryce mathern, bryce giron mathern, brassballs tenderheart, relationship counseling in Denver, relationship counselor in DenverBryce Giron Mathern is the founder of BrassBalls TenderHeart, a counseling practice in Denver, Colorado that offers therapy for men. Oftentimes our habits are a block between our marriage or relationships. By mindfully regaining control over good and bad habits, we can heal our relationships and find authenticity. As a Denver men’s counseling practice, BrassBalls TenderHeart offers individual and couples counseling from a men’s perspective.

If you know someone who is struggling to change their habits please reach out to me.

 

 Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

References:

Corley, Tom. (2016). Change Your Habits, Change Your Life: North Loop Books. 

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/change-habits/feed/ 0 1157 The Illusion Of Control https://brassballstenderheart.com/the-illusion-of-control/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/the-illusion-of-control/#respond Tue, 20 Nov 2018 20:29:28 +0000 https://brassballstenderheart.com/?p=1123 What would happen if we started to focus only on what we can control and let go of what we … Continue reading The Illusion Of Control

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What would happen if we started to focus only on what we can control and let go of what we cannot?

 

It is so normal and common to want to control what happens around us. We want so desperately to know that we can count on people in our future. We want to know what is going to happen.

 

However, this illusion of control can lead to a lot of painful disruptions in our life. What would happen if we were able to step into that vulnerable place and accept that we are not as in control as we want to be?

 

 

Locus of Control: External or Internal

It is true that we do control part of our lives. We can decide what to eat for breakfast, how much time we spend with loved ones and the color of shoes we wear today. In the world of psychology, this is often called the locus of control. It is the perceived view of what we can manage in our lives. Some people tend to have an external locus of control and there are those with an internal locus.

 

Those people who see their world through an external locus of control look to external happenings as controlling their lives. They don’t believe they can make things happen because of what is happening outside of them. On the other hand, those with an internal locus of control believe that if things are going the way they want them, they are the ones who can control them.

 

There have been many psychological studies done on those with an external vs. internal locus of control and it is true that the internal locus of control leads to healthier outcomes.

 

When we believe we have more control we feel less anxious and our stress levels come down. When we feel anxious about things we want to control we are left with little motivation and increased stress levels.

 

Feeling Out Of Control

It is so uncomfortable to feel as though things are not happening the way we want them to. It may be a relationship or some planned event. Suddenly, it feels as though things are falling apart around us. Our anxiety increases and we begin to demand from others that they respond to the uncomfortable feelings we are experiencing. The narratives in our head go something like: “this shouldn’t be happening, it wasn’t supposed to go like this, this unacceptable.” It is a feeling of being out of control.

 

But really, what is out of control in these moments? For most of us it is the illusion that how we want things to be should be happening and not what is actually happening. Our expectations are not being met by the people around us. We feel as though the world is failing.

 

If we can slow down in these moments and take stock of the situation, what is really hard is the fear that is arising. It may be fear of failing (ourselves or someone else). It may be the fear of not getting what we want and the disappointment that comes with this as well. This fear can lead to us putting our discomfort on to those around us in the form of blame and demands.

 

Is it possible to acknowledge the vulnerable part of us that is afraid? The part of us that wants so badly for things to go the way we want?

 

In her book, The Blind Spot Effect, Kelly Boys has this to say about being with that vulnerable place:

 

“What if, by acknowledging uncertainty and ambiguity and opening ourselves to the truth of it, we can free ourselves to be in a flow state, deeply in touch with our intuition and inner knowing? What if — even though we think it’s the scariest thing to let go of control — it’s the wisest thing to do?” (Boys, 2018)

 

Reality Wins Over the Illusion of Control

 

No matter how much we want to be in control of our lives, the reality is that we have very little control over the actions of those around us.

 

Our partners, children, friends and family cannot be counted on to meet our expectations. In fact they are continually failing at this. It is in these situations that we can fall back on our ability to accept what we can do.

 

Developing a more internal locus of control allows us to understand that no matter how things are in reality, we can still connect to what we do have control over – our own behaviors and choices. When we get caught up in the process of wanting to control others and focusing on what we don’t control we end up losing ourselves in stress and anxiety.

 

 

How This Shows Up In My Life

In my personal experience, I can recall a time in my life where I used to throw a lot of dinner parties as a way to keep in touch with my community. I loved the opportunity to share a meal with people I care about. Oftentimes the people I invited would be late for the time we agreed upon. Sometimes it would be several minutes late. As the food I prepared got cold I would seethe with resentment at their ingratitude. How could they be so disrespectful?

 

Over time I began to realize that what time people showed up was not in my control. What was in my control was to invite people, make a good meal, and enjoy my friends at whatever time they arrived. When I let go of the need to control when the party started I let go of all of the anxiety that I originally felt. I also got in contact with the vulnerable place in me that felt hurt by people coming late. At some level, I felt like people didn’t really care about me if they chose to be 30 minutes late. In reality, people came with immense gratitude and appreciation.

 

Letting go of what we can’t control can be a wonderful way to find more flow in our lives.

 

I encourage you to consider what you can and can’t control. How much time do you spend struggling with the things in your life that you can’t control? Consider if you want to continue feeling anxiety about these things.

 

If you want to increase your internal locus please reach out for a free 30-minute consultation.

 

 

Wishing You The Day You Need To Have!

 

Boys, Kelly. (2018) The Blind Spot Effect: How to Stop Missing What’s Right in Front of You. Louisville, CO. Sounds True.

Photo by Mikail Duran – Unsplash

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/the-illusion-of-control/feed/ 0 1123 How Can I Change My Behavior? Two Minds at War. https://brassballstenderheart.com/people-change-two-brains-war-mind/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/people-change-two-brains-war-mind/#respond Thu, 14 Sep 2017 19:05:32 +0000 http://www.brassballstenderheart.com/?p=600 Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are making their life difficult. … Continue reading How Can I Change My Behavior? Two Minds at War.

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Most people that come into my office can articulate the behaviors they are doing that are making their life difficult. They know what they are doing but they don’t know how to change.

They ask me, “How can I change my behavior?” Change is something that continues to allude the most disciplined. Why is this?

Oftentimes when we have a behavior we want to change, we use our conscious mind to consider the reasons we do it, we make a plan for how to change and then we attempt to move away from that behavior. However, when the environmental stimulus comes at us again we find it impossible to not react in similar fashion. What is happening here? And, you may ask yourself yet again, “How can I change my behavior?” And, change it for good?

The conscious mind really only makes up a small portion of the things that help us to make decisions and our ways of reacting to the people in our lives. Most of what creates this is our automatic mind, the mind below our awareness. As a result of this we continue to react in the same way until we start to shift the way we perceive the world. This is how Richard O’Conner sees it in his book, Rewire.

“The conscious self can certainly make mistakes, but it’s our automatic self that usually causes trouble; it’s guided by motives and prejudices we’re not aware of, our own unique frames of reference that are not in sync with reality, old habits of doing things in a particular way, feelings we try to deny.

The automatic self directs most of our behavior, especially spontaneous actions.” (O’Connor, 2014)

Let’s look at an example.

Let’s say the behavior you are looking to change is trusting your partner more. Your conscious mind can’t seem to come up with real reasons why your partner is doing something untrustworthy, yet, time and again you find yourself doubting your partner’s motives. You may wonder if he or she is interested in someone else.

Firstly, we have to look at why there is an issue with trusting others. Why is it difficult to trust others? For someone who grew up with caretakers that were chaotic, self-absorbed and not emotionally available, a child may start to get the idea that people can’t be trusted.

If someone, time and time again, were to be let down by their caretakers they will start to believe that it is hopeless to trust someone.

That same child now has grown up to become an adult. He is able to differentiate between fantasy and reality as all his brain comes online. When this person meets their partner they start to see their partner through a similar lens that they saw their caretakers. The deep unconscious belief may be something like, “people are not trustworthy.”

This belief will then impact much of what this person sees in the world around them. They will layer on reasons to believe this without anything really being there.

The automatic mind is going to be looking for things in the environment that validate the person’s belief. They will see their partner talking to someone of the opposite sex as flirting. They will view any moment of a partner’s lack of sexual interest as evidence they are sleeping with someone else. The automatic mind is organized to create the reality that it believes exists. The partner will find all of these suggestions of unfaithfulness bewildering. They will wonder if their partner is slightly crazy.

The sad reality is that by constantly punishing a partner for irrational actions and blaming them for things that are not true, male partners start to feel abandoned and lonely.

Sometimes those partners will seek intimacy with another. When this happens the conspiracy that the person made through their automatic mind is fully validated. They knew all along that their husband or wife was not trustworthy.

This can play out all too often. So again, “How can I change my behavior?” Here’s my .02.

Unfortunately we cannot rid ourselves of unhealthy beliefs. What we can do is develop new beliefs. In working with a belief around trust it would be important to explorer the pain of growing up in a world where the caretakers couldn’t be trusted.

Although it is impossible to change the events of one’s past the memory of the past is quite malleable.

By discovering moments when these old beliefs were created we can actually modify the beliefs by having a new experience. This experience can allow the inner child to start to believe that they can trust people.

Once someone is willing to see that their reality may have more to do with their past than their present it is possible to help them sort out what is real from what is false. Once we know that we see things through the same lens we can question what we are seeing.

It takes time and commitment to feel the pain and grief of childhood and then to see how this may have impacted loved ones in the present. But over time the unconscious can actually begin to develop new ways of perceiving the world.

The trick in overcoming self-destructive behavior is not so much to strengthen the conscious self so we can “control” ourselves better, though that helps sometimes.

Rather, we must train the automatic self to do things like make wiser decisions unconsciously, ignore distractions, withstand temptations, see ourselves and the world more clearly, and interrupt our reflexive responses before they get us in trouble. Hopefully by understanding the automatic and conscious minds, you can no longer be at war with yourself and positively answer the question: “How can I change my behavior?”

If you know of a behavior you would like to change please contact me.

O’Conner, Richard (2015). Rewire: Change Your Brain To To Break Bad Habits, Overcome Addictions, Conquer Self-Destructive Behavior. New York, New York, Avery. (Note: I get a slight percentage of the sale if you click this link, just being honest with you. You’re welcome to click this click and support my site, or head over to Smile and support a cool charity too.) Thank you for reading – Bryce

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]]> https://brassballstenderheart.com/people-change-two-brains-war-mind/feed/ 0 600 How to stop the violence against women and children? https://brassballstenderheart.com/stop-violence-women-children/ https://brassballstenderheart.com/stop-violence-women-children/#respond Wed, 27 May 2015 15:00:13 +0000 http://www.brassballstenderheart.com/?p=324 Gary Haugen speaks to one of the major issues holding future gains: violence. There are still two billion people struggling … Continue reading How to stop the violence against women and children?

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Gary Haugen speaks to one of the major issues holding future gains: violence.

There are still two billion people struggling on two dollars a day. Correspondingly, despite all of the efforts of sponsorship, foreign aid and micro loans, aid haven’t stopped the incredible amount of violence that happens around the world everyday. As a result, this violence limits the chances people have at getting out of poverty. So then, how to stop the violence against women and children especially? And how can we encourage men to stand up for integrity?

Gary’s solution is to develop successful criminal justice systems in developing nations. His theory is that violence, which we in the more developed countries are privileged not to face, can end with better systems.

Although I agree that this is a viable solution, the other question that comes up for me is, why are these men (and many of them are men) committing these unspeakable crimes of assault and rape towards women and children? What is happening in the psychology of men that brings them to a place where they believe they can do these things.

The work I do with men is to help them become more connected to themselves and thus open them to more of who they are.

My belief is that channeling anger, sadness, shame and grief in healthy ways allows men to move through these energies and not express them in violence. Furthermore, I also believe that the system of enculturation that is in American culture and in cultures around the world must change so that boys are no longer seeing women in unhealthy ways.

I agree with Gary and believe that creating criminal justice systems is an important step. Even deeper to the issue is challenging our views about what it means to be a man on this planet. We need to teach young boys that one of the most fundamental ways they can show respect to themselves is by respecting the people around them. We need to teach boys about how to live in integrity.

I want to make it clear that the violence Gary is speaking of is not a developing country issue. It is a planetary issue.

The difference, according to Gary, is that in the more developed world, there is a way of protecting ourselves from the greed and violence of others. Men (who choose these behaviors) in Africa, South East Asia or Central America are not more prone to this violence. They just have less in their way.

Maybe this is the TED talk that I want to give. With this in mind, we need to have more of this conversation on how to stop the violence against women and children. And, how to help men, young and adult, live in integrity, Contact me.

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