Hi Katt,

I think that you need to make it clear to your partner that it is in his best interest to work with you to create a more connected intimate relationship. Often times men fear working on themselves. When emotions are not a big part of our experience we don’t want to go into this realm because it will just show our limitations. Let your partner know that you are doing this together and not creating any shame around his limitations. Try and stay encouraging. Let him know that he has a lot to gain in having a healthier relationship.

Hi! Reading this comment and your reply sounds exactly like what I’m going through with my partner. I actually take the steps you suggest, yet he just keeps going and refuses to acknowledge that what he is doing is hurtful to me and therefore he doesn’t remotely show a willingness or awareness to address his behaviours. I feel that in a relationship it’s part of intimacy to know and understand each other’s triggers and to work together to live. Adaptive growth mindsets is what I think of
Any suggestions on what I could try?

Thank You Bryce, She means everything to me. If it’s the last thing I do, It will be resolved. Much appreciated. Brent

Hi Brent, this sounds really difficult. For me, the key to handle these issues is setting clear boundaries. For example, one of my important values is being respectful towards people. I don’t like it when people express themselves in disrespectful ways towards me. When this happens I get triggered. I don’t always express my boundary clearly but I try to let them know that talking to me in a way that is disrespectful is not okay. I do believe that our feelings are our responsibility. I also think that we can let those around us know, that it would be helpful if they did things in a way that wasn’t triggering. This is what a healthy boundary is. Your sister may not get it or even acknowledge it at first. However, keep setting the boundary. “It’s not okay when you talk to me like that.” It is also a good idea to sit her down when you both are in a good place and tell her how it feels when she does certain things. Ask her if she would be willing to work on these things with you so that you both could establish a healthier relationship. See if she is open to this. If someone continually disrespects your boundaries you need to decide how you want to be in that relationship going forward. I’m going to guess your sister will be more than open to working on this with you. Warmly.

These are great questions Sophie. I wish I had an easy answer. In all of this is our own growth and opening to more compassion. When I think in my own life I find that my ability to find compassion is something that I have worked to build. I have done this through healing my own wounds, developing a mindfulness practice and learning how to experience my emotions. When I’m hurt I sit with the hurt, the tension in my chest and the constriction in my jaw may be what I’m noticing. I make meaning of these sensations that I’m pissed. My first instinct is to fight back to hurt the one who hurt me. If I can get through that I’m able to allow myself to feel the discomfort of being hurt. The next instinct is to distract myself or to dismiss my feelings as “no big deal.” If I can get through that I can actually start to feel the pain of being hurt. My emotions want to let me know that this wasn’t okay and also some insight, possibly, into why I’m hurt. As I continue to stay with all of it I start to notice a lessening of the discomfort. It usually doesn’t all go way in a few minutes but it becomes much more bearable. Slowly I’m able to find myself again. Then I notice too the story I’ve created about the person…”they are always or never this.” As I notice the story I’m able to soften my identification with it. As that happens I can see the person who said this hurtful thing as just a person. They are doing the best I can. The next step could then be to acknowledge to this person how it felt to hear their words. The trick is to not say it from a place of blame or acquisition but from a place of open honesty. “I’m just letting you know the impact of your words.” “When you said blank, it hurt my feelings.” The person may be able to respond in a healthy way or they may not. That isn’t what is important. What is important is to let them know and thus let your nervous system know that you are respecting your boundaries.